[Treasur]

I’m not angry really, I am upset though and really it is my own stupidity for still thinking he will be reasonable at some point or show me any respect or empathy.

I did the same, RP, most of us do especially if we are not contesting their divorce so from our POV they have what they say they want.
And then we slowly learn that there is no reason or decent adult stuff in them, so we adjust accordingly that's all.

[Bewildered survivor]

RP- I advise to not apply for absolute until fianances are sorted. My solicitor advised not to as once absolute is done he will drag his feet even more especially if it’s not in his best interest financially to sort a settlement.

As for texts and any written communication Witt your MLCer I was always very carful about this. The exchanges actually worked in my favour as me being the sane one out of the two of us did not just rant and always kept in mind what will make me look better in court eg- no mentioning OW, no name calling and always showing that I am encouraging contact with the kids. Monster however could not contain his anger and would spew back- which I used against him in court. Maybe manipulative on my end but mamma bear took over and I knew I had no choice but to use it to win custody of my kids. I tried to be the bigger person by initially not including incriminating messages from his mum and sister but his sister stabbed me in the back so I included it- only necessary things not everything. My dignity remains in tact and I don’t believe I played dirty- just did what I had to do to protect me and my kids.

Aus- I’m not sure about turning up at court. I’m not convinced it will give you closure. May just cause you more distress. Unless it helps you legally and emotionally I would avoid.

[Nas]

I'm sorry you are all dealing with such stress from these fools.

Aus, I agree, I don't know that showing up in court will bring closure, but only you really know if that will be better for you.  I think for me, I would do whatever I could remotely.

I also wouldn't worry about your words in email making it appear that you knew there were problems in the marriage.  You can explain that you were in essence walking on eggshells and avoiding talking about your marriage in terms of reconciling because you were aware he would react with either anger, blame or escalating bad behavior of some kind.

I'm starting to feel like I have a unicorn MLCer.  A lot of them go years without divorcing or talking about it, but most times they're clingers, not vanishers.
A lot of them don't start the D, but when the LBS finally starts it, they deal with it in some way, even if it's just arguing and
Some of them are vanishers who go years and years without divorcing, but they do take action and make a show of at least somewhat dealing with divorce (i.e. Anjae's Mr. J and his foolish crazy court cases).

I have the one who vanished and even before I had cancer when I spent all my money doing all the D work and he didn't have to do anything to get it, he still avoided and hid away and stuck his head in the sand.  Like the old story of the guy who went out to get cigarettes and just never returned. 

I chased him from Dec 2015 to June 2016 for his financial disclosure form.  Only got it after one day before he moved 1100 miles away.  It was handwritten in chicken scratch penmanship.
Email after email about legal issues sent to him in 2017 went ignored.  Texts about legal issues would be ignored or he's respond that he was working and would respond when he had time, which he never did. 
I texted him in spring 2017 to tell him the actual date the D would be filed.  No response, not even an "Okay."  Then two weeks later I got a random text with a picture of my dog and said something about how he'd taken the dog to the beach and the dog loved the waves, etc, but nothing about the D.  (And then I found out that the day he sent the picture of the dog was when OW's exH got remarried.  )
And then we all know how it turned out, I got diagnosed with cancer and he faded into the ether and the rest is history...

[Tyks]

So I posted on my own thread but thought I would post something different here.

Nah, YOU ARE SO RIGHT!

Exh and I had a bit of an email discussion on Friday. I posted some of it in my own thread but what got me was something else he said. He said that I once posted (whatever it was, can't think of the words right now) and the only place he would have ever seen that would be Fakebook. Guess what? We are not friends there lol. I have never looked at his social media, he doesn't post much anyway. 

THEY ARE WATCHING even when you don't think they are. Why are they watching? Hmm... Some of my xh's words on Friday were " I still love you. I will always love you. We did some amazing things together but now it is time to experience new things with new people and new partners'

🤢

Gag me with a spoon. 

[BrenM]

 

THEY ARE WATCHING even when you don't think they are. Why are they watching? Hmm... Some of my xh's words on Friday were " I still love you. I will always love you. We did some amazing things together but now it is time to experience new things with new people and new partners'

🤢

I know that they watch, they always know what is going on.  How?  Why?  I am unsure....I guess somewhere in the MLC head they still care....we the LBS still matter.

"We did some amazing things together but now it is time to experience new things with new people and new partners'".....guess this is how the MLC justifies to themselves that what they are doing is Ok...hmmmmm

[Treasur]

Well, haven't been using FB for a while but will make sure I post some gorgeous pics from my Christmas in Barcelona then lol 

[Nas]

I know I always say this, and of course I have no way to verify, but I really, really don't think my H is watching in any way, shape or form. 

[Tyks]

Nas, I have always said the exact same thing

Honestly, I don't really care anymore, lol. I just wanted to let nah know that she's right.

[Nas]

Well, maybe one day I'll see something that makes me think otherwise.

Honestly, I don't think he could handle checking up on anything to do with me.  How can he keep living his shiny new life and look at my social media and be reminded of what I'm going through.  Unless he has pure ice water running through his veins.  Who knows.

[In the valley]

I was curious about something, figured I'd ask here since it's a discussion.  Is the vanisher because they are trying to avoid anything that would remind them of reality.  Is it that they think it'll help block memories of LBS.  Just curious to hear ideas why the vanishing.  I've heard of periods maybe 6months to 1 year with no contact then calling and in distress.  Anyone have that experience?