[in it]

Now Lp

If you take him back you know what will happen. There may be a slight honeymoon lovey dovey period and then his abuse would start all over again and this time the end of that may not be a very good conclusion for you.

Each time they are given another chance the abuse gets worse. Could you really emotionally and spiritually afford to deal with him again?

This kind of man is never baked, done, healed, cured whatever his problem is. He will carry the abusive behavior over into every relationship he ever has.
They are cowards at their core.

[Anjae]

Thank you for the update on J. Hope he manages to change job.

Being someone's plan b is not a good thing. Some MLCers return/want to return for the right reasons, others not so.

Chosing us not for us, but because their MLC life turned into a mess? No, thank you.

Agree, even if we may want the MLCer back, if they are not ready to return, they will run again.

Lets see if, at some point, a double decker karma bus finds its way to Mr J. Not because I want to reconcile, more for him.

[lawprofessor]

Now Lp

If you take him back you know what will happen. There may be a slight honeymoon lovey dovey period and then his abuse would start all over again and this time the end of that may not be a very good conclusion for you.

Each time they are given another chance the abuse gets worse. Could you really emotionally and spiritually afford to deal with him again?

This kind of man is never baked, done, healed, cured whatever his problem is. He will carry the abusive behavior over into every relationship he ever has.
They are cowards at their core.

What?
Did I type something wrong and suggest I'd take him back?

I know the screen is screwy with a glitch, and I'm typing on my phone without my glasses on but I don't think I even suggested I'd take him back anywhere. 

Lp

[in it]

No you didn't.
But if your thinking if you did he would just run again.
I don't think that's what might happen..
Yes there are some glitch's on the site.
I know you are a very smart strong woman who wouldn't ever let a coward abuse her again.

[Treasur]

Sorry to hear about J's hip surgeries but perhaps it is good if it pushes him to find a different job. And glad to hear too that he has found some peace. I hope his wife and kids have found some too.

[Mortesbride]

In past history, I was never angry with the Little Girl.
-She owed me no loyalty
-She took no vows with me
-I was never jealous of her.  She really and truly was a child in appearance and emotional maturity, right down to her pig tails and Hello Kitty backpack.  She was about 22 if I recall correctly when they got together.   -same mine is very similar. 22...obsessed with Disney Princesses 
-She was no threat to me in any way. 
-She was always a drama queen .. that someday she'd find out she got a booby prize and did me a favor. Oh yes I politely said something similar in the 1 conversation on the phone I had with her.
-Simply they had nothing in common and yet everything in common.  The same weaknesses, insecurities, fears, depression, mental weakness, Foo issues, and immaturity. They became one broken mess of a person until she changed some and grew up some. I think some of the appeal is they are weaker more maliable women too...easier to control and feel superior to. Or so mine has said in not so many words.

He craved sameness.  He got it.  In spades.

Yes, Little Girl contacted me in the beginning, and once even threatened to "beat me up" for being mean to Genius.  That was a one off because she finally saw a picture of me and I gave her my address to come see how that worked out for her.  She declined. Oh my god you are my soul sister! This is literally something I would do. I never went after her (though I wanted to at the start) but I know..even now...if she showed up to my house looking for trouble I would mop the floor with her.

Prior to this, the last comment I made to her was, "I don't want the Midlife Crisis Old Trainwreck and wouldn't take him back if he came to my home sporting a solid gold Pen!$ so quit bothering me with your teenage drama. -Brilliant 

I didn't hear more until last night, when she said everything i forecast had come true. She said she contacted me to sort of begin her new marriage with a clean karmic slate.  I said, thanks for the update.  I didn't wish her well or wish her poorly.  As always she is just an immature and irrelevant little girl. -Guilt still eating her. Good.

Well, karma just keeps slapping the crap out of the big old Galapagos turtle.  He is progressing nicely as always but slowly.  He says karma just keeps smacking him because he has a lot to make up for.  He's likely correct. -Almost makes you feel sorry for them. Almost but not quiet.


- That he had learned although almost too late, that family was more important than money, that he had no idea what it meant to be a man correctly before this. -I think this is the riddle for a lot of them. Learning how to grow up, and what is really important in life. So many places I have seen this play out, not just in MLC. I count myself grateful that I can see that family is everything. I am glad he at least realises this now.

He admitted to having thought of his ex and the kids a lot, maybe even daily while he was in Replay but he just ran from those thoughts with more activity.  That he knew Ex would take care of them.  He just knew.  -They all emulate a good gingerbread man don't they lol.

He said he ran from the guilt of not being there.  Until one day when he felt driven like a migrating bird to return home.  He said he had been scared to return but never felt like he had another choice but to return.  And so he did within 2 days of deciding, just as quickly as he left when he ran. I asked him why it was necessary to just burn it all down, his life and all he accomplished.  He said it was absolutely necessary at the time, to begin again, to start over.  Yet he couldn't do that with ex clinging to his coattails, holding him back.  The more she clung, the more she assured him she would be there for him, that he could return home, the more necessary it became to cut all ties and burn down entirely his old life.  Why?  Because he could never go back to being that man that he was while married to ex.  He wanted to make sure of that, that there was no way back to being that man.  Which is different than going back to ex.  He held that possibility open for years until he was sure she was still the same, no growth or changes, and still wanted the old him back.  Then he gave up and walked away from that idea. I wonder if things would have played out differently if his LBS had done the work and sorted herself out.

Even if I wanted him back, he wasn't done and would have just run again after he got reassured he was welcome and loved. -Mentally noted. I think this may be part of why I was freaking out a bit at the thought of Beast constantly moving closer...Thanks.

We can treat this MLC experience as a growth opportunity or the worst thing to ever happen to us.  High energy or wallow.  Our choice in how to respond.  At least we get a choice in that aspect. Focus on ourselves or focus on the MLCer.  Achieve or wallow. -I agree with this 100 percent. Not just with MLC but every pile of poo flung at us through life. The principle is always applicable.

Great posts!

[Trustandlove]

Lp, I'm curious -- What was it about the man he was whilst married that he didn't like?  I hear that he wanted to make sure he was never that man again, what did he want to be?   What does he mean by "the guilt of not being there"?

Do you know his ex and children?  Do you agree with his assessment?  Does he want to be a father?

I ask, as ever, partly just out of curiosity and of course partly thinking about my own situation; my H definitely didn't want to be who he was whilst with me, but has never said who or what he DOES want to be, I do of course understand that this is immaterial to my self, but it does make a difference to our children. 

In my own case I tried to ask how he wanted to be a parent, what he wanted from me in that regard, I never got an answer, I did finally understand about not even asking the question.  I've done my best to be the best person I can be for my self and our children, regardless of what he is or isn't doing. 

And I recognise that my own situation is different, these were just a few things that jumped out at me. 

[UrsaMajor]

Well well well...

If THAT isn't a case of  the karma bus showing up for a FULL stop......

And as Mort noted, LG has a BIG heaping plate of guilt steaming on the table in front of her... Clean off her karmic slate? Yeah, good luck with that one toots.....

Focus on the prize and that is the person in the mirror, not some deranged Mid-Lifer doing stupid stuff..... By doing one's own work, living life like they are not coming back, and getting one's own doo-doo into one sock, the LBS is the one that takes back their own power and uses it for their own benefit....

Why is the rear view mirror in the car smaller than the windshield? Because you are NOT DRIVING BACKWARDS!

[Bewildered survivor]

Thanks LP fr sharing the karma bus sighting.  It came at the right time for me when I was despairing about the fact that there is currently no sighting of any karma bus and MLCer and OW seem to just keep landing on their feet. 

Just found out H is now paying for her house to be extended.  They have the drawings and are planning to start the work this summer and was quite happy to share this with the girls (knowing it would get back to me).  Just before BD we had been planning an extension (H’s idea) with builders booked and drawings done.  I had been planning it for quite some time.  From what I hear all MY ideas are now being incorporated into THEIR extension. OW is very excited.   

I know its early days and hopefully one day I can share a similar up date....probably when he’s spent all his money on OW with extension done and she is done with him 

I'd hope anyone who reads this would take their eyes off their MLCer, forget all the mental masturbations as to the whys and how's, focus squarely and only on themselves and their children, and make their lives beautiful and however they define successful. Once one has a basic understanding of MLC, just look forward and move forward. The rest will take care of itself.  Stop playing kids games.  Stop wallowing.  Stop wasting time.  Stop wasting energy.  Face your demons and move forward.  Grow up and find your calling in life. 

I do need to take this advice and keep looking forward. Ive started packing the house up and this weekend without the kids I came across some old cards from H- declaring his undying love for me.  Had a good healthy cry.  But today after hearing all this from girls I just feel silly reading old cards and wasting my tears all while H is happy and excited planning new extension and future with OW.  Cant wait for a sighting of that karma bus. 

[Mortesbride]

Bewildered I can hear their argument already..

''Why did you have to give me an extension that your ex wife wanted! It isn't good enough! You should have asked what I wanted!''

Mlcer confused and...bewildered  .... standing there mouth agape as his pockets are dusty....