[LearningIamOk]

Quite the update,LP, but I am confused. I thought he tried to kill you, or threatened to kill you. How is he even able to contact you?

[Treasur]

Bewildered I can hear their argument already..

''Why did you have to give me an extension that your ex wife wanted! It isn't good enough! You should have asked what I wanted!''

Mlcer confused and...bewildered  .... standing there mouth agape as his pockets are dusty....

Or more likely....lots of stress and mess, angry MLCer argues with builders, plans go way over budget....ff a few years, ow refuses to repay the money he spent on HER house when R hits the buffers,(no legal paperwork bc y'know 'their love is real' etc)  cue more L's and lots of mr sadz.....
Meanwhile BS is now in charge of her own life, no crazy in it, enjoying a peaceful time with her kids and too busy with good humans to care much while xh bleats about poverty.....but BS comes back to update about the karma bus 

[stillbaffled]

LP - thanks for dropping by and posting an update. 

Airmid - so good to see you also drop by.   

[limitless]

This is the third place that I have added this post....sorry for the many duplications.

Anjae asked that I add this to the Old Timer's thread...and yes...I am an old timer.

I will share with you portions of a very long email that I recently received from my Ex recently....almost 9 years post BD.

To briefly explain how this email came about - it stemmed from another email (from Ex to me) - where he contacted me to tell me how well our adult kids were doing and how it all was due to me.  He went on to tell me was a great Mother I was and how I had been the positive role model they needed.  He ended the email by thanking me "for being there."

I found myself more than bit annoyed at receiving this email.  It seemed to me (now that my Ex is now firmly involved with the OW1 (back from 2009 - after OW2, OW3....)) and now, it seemed to me, he was ready for us to be on more friendly terms.  This bothered me...as I in no way wish to give my Ex the slightest idea that I think what he had done was "ok" in any sense or that we could now be friends. 

So, after much thought, I responded.  I thanked him for the email and his compliments on my parenting, I went on to say that I truly needed something else from him.  I reminded him of the devastation that he had caused to me and our family back at BD.  I told him that I needed him to own what he had done and apologize.

I sent this email with zero expectations. 

The response that I received was beyond my expectations. 

"Limitless - …... it was my responsibility to make sure you had the truth from me. Yes I do owe you that. I have learned a lot about myself over the past years. Where I went wrong, where parts of me got lost, my recovery, my choices and my lack of being total honest and up front. One thing first and foremost, as much as you were and still are, a great mother to the kids, you were also just as great as a wife.

But looking back over the years, I never gave you enough space to be that. I felt I cut you short of being who you wanted to be with me. ... There is a lot of things in a relationship to know, learn and grow within. Truthfully, I had no clue.

How and what I did, the chain of events, and my choices, were not in the best interest for you. I am truly sorry. I apologize.

...To put that on a level to understand, I basically was frazzled, burnt, lost. I basically lost myself,   Being who I become at that point, I could only implode. To come out and talk how I felt, thought or explain where I was, I only felt I had myself. I left you in the dark, I’m sorry. 

In 2009 I tried sort out what I was going through. I tried to figure what I needed to do to sort us out, figure out how to be better at being a husband. Truly and honestly help us. I took my focus on us, be more at what you wanted from me and our marriage. Also at the same time figure out how to put me back with some normalcy.

You acknowledged my changes, and felt it made a difference. What hurt me was you felt I needed to change, and the problems were everything I brought on. You never acknowledged you could use some help/change. You were okay, and I was the problem.

... I was falling apart, and I was at fault, so I was on my own. I’m sorry I didn’t sit you down and tell you I was heading to a dead end. I felt, it wouldn’t matter, I was always wrong and you were always right. I’m not here to blame you, or say you were the base of my problems, I am the base of my problems and habits. I put you through decades of hell, I gave you every reason to lack trust in me, and baffle you with BS to cover my inner self. In the end, I didn’t learn from my mistakes. I still have my problems within, my demons and comfort zone.

...I love our kids and I understand I lost a lot of respect from them. I can only truly be open and honest with them, I learned it doesn’t work any other way.

...I was lost and someone heard me  cry, and offered to help. Yes we (OW) kept in touch my emails for years. I’m sorry and apologize for my actions after I left. For what ever reason, I just wanted to have people like me. I had no friends anymore, they all left. What friends I did have, were all yours, mostly work. It seems I could only have friends you would approve of.

What I did on our 30th anniversary (BD), was another one of my $h!tety ways of treating you. Revenge for not taking me seriously, or what ever, I felt I didn’t matter. I was always wrong. I apologize big time.  It was all wrong, very wrong. I’m sorry!

I tried to find some peace within myself. That took years to find, and see my ways of wrong doing.

One thing, I truly loved you, through and through,

I have no regrets in meeting you, getting married and having 3 great kids.

I do regret my selfishness, I regret the lies and hiding. I regret I didn't allow you to be Limitless. 

The lack of respect to our marriage after I left wasn’t right, I apologize, self centered, selfishness and stupid. I have always wanted to write you and explain, I just never did, but I do keep the thoughts I had, the feeling I went through forever, I can’t forget, and I don’t forgive myself for what I did to you and the family. I will never blame or draw excuses that you were the problem. I can’t put my problems out there and blame you. I own up to my faults and that’s what I live with. I still bury feelings, I am still unable to share at times, and do my best, not to lie to myself.

I never had intentions to go part way and leave, I wanted the long haul for us. I loved you and in ways I always will.

I only wanted the best to you  and I could not do that. I failed as a husband for many years and left you with a bitter taste. I want you to be happy and allow yourself to be Limitless, be that person who I met many years ago, with a bright smile and a great heart. You still have it, be happy, you deserve it more than you know"

[Songanddance]

This is interesting Limitless.

How did you feel once you had read that? 

My gut feeling is that whilst he is saying all the right words how authentic is the emotion behind it?  Call me suspicious or jaded or cynical.
I read that whilst he knows he can't blame you for his actions he still feels as though "fate made him do it" or " it was all beyond his control" and whilst he knows that what he did was wrong he still buries his feelings and is possibly still running.  OW is still the sticking plaster.

I find his comments about having no regrets about marrying you and being in it for the long haul a little annoying or even patronising.   

[Anjae]

My gut feeling is that whilst he is saying all the right words how authentic is the emotion behind it?  Call me suspicious or jaded or cynical.

I am worst than you.  This was my reply on the other thread: "I'm thinking what I would do if Mr J would sent me a similar e-mail. Probably: yeah, mate, whatever, thanks. Are you ready to sign me a large check? No? Sorry, your words mean nothing. When you're ready to truly make ameds, let me know.

Why would my reply be so meh? Because I no longer need a a heartfelt response. I need/want actions/amends, not words."

For me, it is literally, show me the money. Words? Lovely, but they don't mean a thing unless solid, consistent words and the amends each LBS needs exist.

I find his comments about having no regrets about marrying you and being in it for the long haul a little annoying or even patronising.

I saw those more like him saying when we married Limitless he thought it was for the long haul, I think he meant it and was not being patronising. When we married our MLCer both we and the MLCer thought it was for the long haul. Having no regrets marrying the LBS is relevant because at BD they are "it is your fault. I have not loved you for X years. I regret marrying you/marry you was the biggest mistake of my life". I think he was being genuine there.

[serenity]

Hi Limitless

I found that quite hard to read and rather emotional. Some of it was identical to things my H has said to me!

It does sound like he’s still running away though and still avoiding looking at himself! So has a different life so he can pretend to be that new person!

Thank you for sharing

X

[Songanddance]

I saw those more like him saying when we married Limitless he thought it was for the long haul, I think he meant it and was not being patronising. When we married our MLCer both we and the MLCer thought it was for the long haul. Having no regrets marrying the LBS is relevant because at BD they are "it is your fault. I have not loved you for X years. I regret marrying you/marry you was the biggest mistake of my life". I think he was being genuine there.

Anjae - I have no doubt that he didn't regret marrying her and that he was in it for the long haul. But why say it now? It's empty and it's pre-supposition on his part that that is what Limitless needed to hear as if it would make it "easier" for her - so still assuaging his guilt.

It's a bit like saying to somebody whose car you have just crashed into "Sorry that this has happened - When I set off today I had no intention of crashing into your car and, had I known that I was going to crash into you, I would have tried to avoid it but I couldn't it just happened. I hope that you understand why I did though"

[in it]

Anjae
Love the part about the check

[Treasur]

To be fair to limitless' h, she did ask him to own what he did and apologise.
And it's important that we don't apply our own filters too sharply bc it isn't our situation.
I saw plenty of apologies. I saw him owning some things at least in the sense of no longer blaming limitless. I saw him being a bit third party 'this happened' as opposed to 'I did' in other bits. I saw him trying no matter how clumsily to understand some of how limitless might have felt and to reassure her that she was loved, that he did not mean some of the things he has probably said and that - although he felt differently in the past - he wants her to know it was not her fault. Are some bits slightly patronising like the 'I want you to be happy' and 'I stopped you being you' bits? Maybe. A few me-me bits? Maybe. But I don't get the sense he is trying to rug sweep much or manipulate her into forgiveness. Only limitless knows how true or valuable it all feels to hear.

Overall, does he feel entirely cooked? Maybe not. Or reconcile? Maybe not...I suspect writing this was hard though and probably made him a bit thinky so who knows what will unfold. Does he want to make amends? Maybe not or maybe he just thinks it is impossible to do. And let's face it, some of this stuff is pretty hard to make amends for after so long isn't it?

Imho, limitless is the best judge of how honest or useful the email is bc she knows her h and her situation best. And she will hopefully take her time and decide what she wants to take from it.