[Mortesbride]

You acknowledged my changes, and felt it made a difference. What hurt me was you felt I needed to change, and the problems were everything I brought on. You never acknowledged you could use some help/change. You were okay, and I was the problem.

... I was falling apart, and I was at fault, so I was on my own. I’m sorry I didn’t sit you down and tell you I was heading to a dead end. I felt, it wouldn’t matter, I was always wrong and you were always right.  I put you through decades of hell, I gave you every reason to lack trust in me, and baffle you with BS to cover my inner self. I still have my problems within, my demons and comfort zone.

...I was lost and someone heard me  cry, and offered to help. For what ever reason, I just wanted to have people like me. I had no friends anymore, they all left. It seems I could only have friends you would approve of.

The whole letter was very nice to read. It would be good for every LBS to get something similar if not the reconciliation they hope for. At least some measure of peace, acknowledgement, or apology...for whatever it is worth at the time.

But the bits I cropped above really struck me deep. As if my own MLCer was talking to me. Making me reflect on what may have made him feel the way he did I guess.

[Anjae]

Song, Limitless said she asked her husband for what she needed, and it include an apologie.


What do I see in the letter? Many apologies, I see him saying where he is now, I see him say he messed up, I see him saying it was not Limitless fault, I see his regret, etc.


I do not doubt the sincerity of the letter. I think it is genuine and heartfelt. It is what Limitless wanted.

I understand your feelings, Limitless. It is a lot to process.

Agree it is what he did, not what happened. It just didn't happen. Precise actions were necessary.

His he still running? He is still with OW, I would say, he is still running. A bit, at least, maybe he still needs the comfort of escaping and OW. He also has awareness and is no longer blaming his LBS.

Regardless of what they say, or evew do - in the case of those who take actions, they still broke a family/marriage, caused much hurt and damage. That is always the sad reality of MLC, even if there is reconnection/reconciliation.

Yep, DGU would be right, he is still in crisis. Going by the letter, a little less dark crisis than before.

Personally, it would not be enough for me, because it wouldn't make a difference to me. I don't want an apology letter, I want restorative actions. I do not mind a "I'm sorry, I messed up", but alone it has no meaning to me. I heard a few of those over the years, nothing practical changed.

I have tons of e-mails with Mr J's feelings, etc. I have his letters to OW1 and OW2. I know his pre-MLC self loved me, I know I was a good wife and his best friend for 20 years. I have heard and read plenty MLCers saying similar things to Limitless' husband, in real life and HS. It is another script, not the BD one, the awakening one, so to speak.

To me, the only thing that makes a real difference is a very big fat check. Apologies are just words.

Mr J is not happy. He remains angry, sad, at times monsters. He looks terrible. Like we say around here, not my circus, not my monkeys. He has the life he choose.

As for the MLCers feeling, respectfully, I don't care. The MLCer had the chance to sort his/herself out long ago. The MLCer's feelings are the consequence of their actions and their problem. Not mine.

I know, I know, I can be quite hard. However, like Thunder pointed, nothing changes the MLCer broke everything. Not their feelings, not their apologies. For most, not even their actions.

Each LBS should have what they think they need, be it an apology, a big fat check or any other thing. Hope we all get it.

[in it]

 Me too Anjae  ...Yep I agree.

Not a damn thing that could be said to me that would make one bit of difference, just a big fat check. One the size of the original divorce settlement (which was 50 grand short of what I wanted).

Seems to be all this is about in the end anyway is money.

They suffered nor suffer loss without us in their life. We were the problem, it was all our fault. Best be rid of us then they can be happy. Do whatever they want to do.

In my case he just lost his favorite thing to abuse- that's all. And I do know abusers are lazy, so he probably wouldn't spend the energy to groom someone all over again to take his crap.

So money works for me.

The ex once said the only way you can hurt a man is in his wallet. So I guess it was really easy for him to cause all this destruction. Didn't bother him one bit.

Turns out it was the best thing that could have happened to me..but for the money I got?  Uhh nope.

[Mortesbride]

Perhaps I am the odd one...but I do not think any amount of money Beast could give me...would make up for what was done/is lost.

There are much more important things that could be done..than write a check. 

[in it]

Well you'd think so Morte.
And the best apology is a changed behavior and it's all what you are willing to accept at this age.
Money can't make my loss any easier..but it gives me some more freedom.
That doesn't mean in any sense there would be any reconcilation..

[Anjae]

It is not always about the money in the end, In It. Some LBS divorced or had a legal separation and suffered no, or little, financial loss. Also, most LBS do not have a physically abusive MLCer.

I agree Mr J suffered no loss without me in his life. He suffered no quality of life loss, the opposite. He has more money, a bigger flat, etc. He also didn't lost a social circle, etc. I can't see anything that he had lost.

Not that I wanted to live in the big fancy flat with a drunk MLCer.

Mr J did not groom me. He was only physically abusive while having psychotic episodes after BD. I don't anyone to have the wrong idea, Mr J is not a serial abuser that grooms women to abuse them. His abuse come with MLC.

Perhaps I am the odd one...but I do not think any amount of money Beast could give me...would make up for what was done/is lost.

You're not the odd one. Most LBS want an apology and/or reconciliation. At least early on. Mr J left mid October 2006, Morte, not a couple of years ago.

No amount of money will ever make up for what the MLCer did, but money is a practical thing than can help a LBS. What exactly would I, or In It, do with an apology from our MLCer? Nothing.

Personally, nothing is more important than a big fat check. There is nothing else Mr J can do that would even start to make amends for all the horrendous things he did. You and I have totally different situations/MLCers, Morte.

There are much more important things that could be done..than write a check. 

Like what? Financial restoration is the only legal restoration for things which damages can never be fully repaired: war, loss of life, rape, malpractice, slader, divorce, adultery (in my country the Supreme Court decided that adultery is painful and impacts a person's life and, therefore, the cheater must pay a certain amount). The law cannot quantify feelings or pain.

[in it]

I'm curious too, like what Morte?

[Mitzpah]

Perhaps I am the odd one...but I do not think any amount of money Beast could give me...would make up for what was done/is lost.

There are much more important things that could be done..than write a check. 

I agree with you Morte.

Of course, if I had more money, life would be easier, however, it would not be any kind of compensation for what I feel we have lost.

Money is not very important to me at all. The lack of it makes life more difficult, the fact I have to fend for myself is hard. On the other hand, money is no real comfort, is it?

[Anjae]

Mitz, can you explain to me and In It what other thing, aside from money, could compensate for what Mr J and Mr In It have done? Money is a huge comfort. It buys comfort, security, freedom, etc. It does not bring happiness, but it is a practical help.

I am not aware of any other way of compensate for MLC  damages aside from money, unless people want to reconcile and even so ... What exactly is Mr J to do as amends? Write a "I am sorry" note? That has no value and no practical use.

[xyzcf]

There is absolutely no amount of money that could "compensate" for the heart break and the permanent damage that he has done to me and to our family.

Money would not heal the wounds. It doesn't even make life "easier" as much as it might appear to....