[KeepItTogether]

I think most of us DO NOT focus on the OW. But, if we have interactions with our MLCers, and certainly if we have kids, we do have some kind of  contact, albeit mostly indirect, with the OW. And I think it is important  that we talk it out. It isn't focusing on it any more than talking about what we did over the weekend. The OW is a part of our lives so long as the MLCer is. And even more so when we have kids--no matter what age they are. It's a fact. We can dismiss it and "ignore" it all we want. Or choose to focus on other things. But it is still there. 

I personally WISH I could forget she exists. I pray for that day to come. And maybe it will. But wow, in early days, and even as I begin year 4, it is pretty raw when you have to watch another person living what used to be your life.  Sure we all get a life. A new life. One without our "person" who chose to discard us without much (if any) explanation, and seemingly replace us with a downgraded model. I like the anecdotes and stories of OW. They are damaged for the most part. I am not being clinical. But well, in my case, this person entered into a relationship with a married man whose wife was in the middle of chemo.  She knew him for 9 months--worked for him. And I truly cannot wrap my arms around the kind of person that could do such a thing. I'm not dismissing H from the blame. But, I took vows with him.  I don't focus on her. But I see her. Hear about her. Hear stories of "them" together at events or on social media.  And it sucks. And I don't really want to talk about it in RL either b/c then I look like a bit of a stalker.

Anywho, just my 2 cents. I, for one, am happy this thread is here.  Thank you 1T!

[Anjae]

XYZ.....if name calling was against HS policy then there would be hardly any posters including those who reconciled like seekingpatience, rainbowgal, offwhitelily and many more!

It is and always was. In the past some things passed, mods can only read so much. Since March 18 2019 RCR posted on the sticky part of the board clear guidelines, rules and sactions for those who break the rules: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10725.0

It may be a good idea to read RCR's The Hero’s Spouse Code of Conduct. You already broke it a few times on this thread alone. This is RCR forum, we all have to follow her code of conduct.

[megogirl]

Well.......you're in the Army now, 1Trouble!

[1trouble]

A couple more thread links for those who are interested, these links include not just the dynamics but
situations where the MLC'er has a child with OW and meeting the OW

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2420.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2649.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5632.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4043.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5689.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8570.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10550.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5881.0

[Onward]

Just a couple of observations.

This is an interesting thread title. It's a discussion thread, without a clear discussion direction. (Not a criticism; just an observation.)

I don't post very much anymore. My thread would be really dull because I don't have kids, don't like to talk about my work or hobby and H has vanished. So life would be summed up as  "Work, ride, eat, sleep, repeat." B-O-R-I-N-G.

But I do still read a fair amount, and I would also say that there have been some changes to 'the way things used to be' on HS. My 2 cents, for what it's worth, is not so much that the topics have changed, or what can or cannot be said has changed, or the focus on standing or not has changed.

My perception of what has changed is the filter through which posters receive each other. My sense is that posters are quicker to perceive a comment as negative. That there is a little less room for grace. That differences of view become positional and personal - sometimes very quickly. 

It might be because this is now a community where many have been here quite a while and think they know each other enough to assume what someone will do next. Old arguments get hashed and rehashed, and the gems of diverse experience and opinions (because that's mostly what is on offer) get lost in personality skirmishes. It's one of the sadder aspects of human nature.( And it's only my perception, so others will see things differently.)

ANYway, getting back to the subject at hand.

I don't think there's been any implicit or explicit direction not to talk (or trash talk) the OW/OM so much as there has been encouragement to think upon why one might need to?

In some cases, it is because the OP is in one's face. In many cases, probably most, it's because it is easier to feel anger toward the OP than the MLCer because our feelings are less conflicted about the OP.

I think others on this thread have said it well. Realize that putting the focus on the OW/OM.....puts the focus on the OW/OM. Is that where you want your focus to be?

No doubt, it is helpful to have a healthy outlet for unprocessed feelings toward the OP. Just stay aware that what one feeds is what grows.  Anger may not be what one wants to feed, because anger can turn us on each other, too.

For me, venting rarely makes me feel completely better. Yes, it releases the pressure. But the need to process whatever the underlying emotion is is still usually still there, waiting to catch me the next time. For me, I find it better not to give them much attention at all -- which is SO very much easier with a vanisher.

[sachat3]

I enjoy threads like this. Not because I love calling Ow a POS Wh@re or whatever else. But because me personally, I enjoy seeing people post about their Ow/Om and for me to go “Oh hang on. My Ow does/did that”. It’s not just me. I know for me personally certain things “pop up” about her and things she said and I forgot them last week but now I remember.

Now. I suppose I’m different because I guess in my heart of hearts I don’t believe their was an actual affair. I have a gut feeling, I kicked H out before the affair could start. So I think had I not kicked him out when I did. There would have been an affair. I could be wrong ofcourse but there are so many factors that lead me to believe thing. But I guess that’s for another time. So Ow being with my H. Isn’t much of an issue. Technically neither of them actually did anything wrong. I guess morally they did as they started up less than a month after BD. But yeah.

My issue comes from Ow and the things she knows. For example, she knew AAAAALLLLL about me. H uploaded some pics of me and him on FB. She liked and commented them. We had chats in his comments on his social media. And I was told from a work friend, that Ow told H after I kicked him out, that H needed to find someone to make me jealous. Ow goads me constantly online. And I mean CONSTANTLY. It used to be quotes that would slag me off and H must have told her to take them down or whatever. Because she would eventually delete them. Whereas now she goads me with comments she makes to her friends, which are in direct relation to things I’ve posted on my social media a hour or two before her comment. I don’t rise to her. I don’t retaliate. But as of yet she’s not stopped. There was even a point where she called my children feral. However, H doesn’t believe she did. Typical. Her main aim, it seems right now is to keep me and him away from each other. I believe she’ll do just about anything to keep her claws firmly dug into him. I mean I could go on and on and on really and use up the whole thread on her.

[Keep believing]

I for one hate other woman. I think she is a ow. Before my h ( a married man) she was with another married man.  She is/ was desperate .  He told her so many lies about how we were getting a d , i was served papers and we had gone to court.  When she found out all this was a lie , she must have given h an ultimateum( spelling wrong).  She also had fear for her children. ( of course i was crazy per h)   But rather than end an affair with a married man she got a restraining order against me.  What normal person would do that.
These woman are evil. Sure these woman supposedly mean nothing but they definately are manipulative.   To hold on to these mlcers. No matter how many lies ow caught my h in , she is still with him.  The fn nuts. He has proved he is unfaithful, not responsible, lies, left his kids .  I cant understand why she stays with him.  Not to mention he is broke af.
As far as im concerned , regardless if im divorced from h, he is still having an affair.  If he marries her , it will still be an affair in my book.  Because that is how it started.
H is demented and needs help. She is just plan desperate , stupid, greedy, selfish . I cant wait til the day she hurts like all of us here on hs.   If karma exists ( which i do not believe in)  that what i hope karma brings her.

[Ready2Transform]

I always saw the "name calling" rule here as something we're not to do to each other. I think it's human nature to position the OPs in our minds as something, especially during the anger phase. I certainly did. And it passed. Now I have no feelings for either of them. Maybe pity? But that's just how it manifested for me. It's hard telling how I would feel if I still had to deal with them. Also knowing they both started out as affair partners (she was also married) doesn't validate their marriage to me and "un-affair" them. In their own lives, they can frame themselves however they want, but I only see them from my own perspective, which is my ex-husband who cheated emotionally, physically, and financially with this other man's wife. That's not anger, that's just the truth.

[sachat3]

Keep believing - my Ow is the similar. H is her (minimum) fourth person she’s been with that was someone else’s man. She also knows H lies. She know he cheats - he’s cheated on her and she knows. She knows it all. That said, I do believe it will be Ow who ends it and I think shr will end it for another man

R2T - I also feel pity for my Ow. It shows how damaged she is and how little self respect she has to still be with him. Had she been a young naive 18 year old. I would accept that. But this is a fully grown adult. She’s older than me!

[Keep believing]

Quite honestly , if you dont like the discussion of this thread , dont read. Others can do/ say what they want with this thread.   No opinions from any one who disagrees with this thread is needed. There are many other threads people can read. Stay off this one