[Anjae]

Today I have read comments that I feel may stifle this openness...…..comments saying things like 'not to focus on the OW'....
how 'name calling is wrong'.....

Why is it?...........who says it is.?...

RCR for a start.

Also, name calling is not being open, is just name calling and it goes agains HS rules and code of conduct.

Do you think it makes sense to focus on OW/OM and call them names? What purpose does it serve?

The person responsible is our MLCer, not OW/OM. There are people on this site that have end up in court because of name calling to OW/OM in real life and doing other things againt them.

Hard to see how that served the LBS.

I understand that, in the initial shock, a person may say a dirty name. However, if it carries on, it means we are placing our energy in the wrong place.

Yes, some OW/OM are really problematic. In such cases a LBS must protect his/herself, including legally. Name calling and being angry is not going to protect the LBS. It may, in fact, it may lead to the opposite.

The problem with venting our rage/anger and hatred towards the OW/OM is that this takes the focus off our work that we need to do to heal.

This. Also, in some cases, OW/OM is no longer OW/OM, but married to the MLCer, which means they are now the spouse, yet some LBS still keep invested in that person and still call names. As soon as there is a marriage, regardless of how it started, the person becomes a spouse, there is no more affair.

Is Hero's Spouse a place of HATE or a place of healing and growth?

A place of healing and growth.

May I ask why such investement on OW/OM, 1trouble? You're not a newbie, out of BD, still in shock. Your ex-husband is married to is OW, he is no longer your husband. Yet, you remain too focussed on his wife. Why?

As I said above, HS has rules and a code of conduct. Name calling is not allowed. Hate also isn't. Therefore, a thread to name call and to use hate, if that is the purpose, goes against HS rules.

As posted by 1trouble, HS already have several threads on the OW/OM issue. Why the need for a new one? And everyone talks about the matter on their own threads and received adequated help for their situation.

[OldPilot]

The problem I see is what does focusing on the other person do for you?

The other person is just a prop in this play, they are not the main character.

[1trouble]

comments saying things like 'not to focus on the OW'....
how 'name calling is wrong'.....

The "basics" of understanding MLC is that it is not about the LBSer and not about the marriage.

The OW/OM is part of the crisis and most MLCers have this in common. But they are not to "blame" for the crisis.

No they are not to blame and no-one is saying that BUT they are part of the hurt and part of not being able to accept the crisis.
Its what a lot of LBS's struggle with.

The problem with venting our rage/anger and hatred towards the OW/OM is that this takes the focus off our work that we need to do to heal.

There is a huge difference, IMO opinion between rage/anger and hate...……
and to talk about the OW/OM also IMO can actually aid healing...….this is part of what we a lot of us  face, the crisis and the AP.

And the AP is what causes a lot of LBS's the most pain....maybe not you, but then XYZ you had a long time dealing with your MLC'ers crisis without even knowing about an OW....so your pain came in stages, its not the same for everyone

The idea of this thread, to allow a place to vent and "scream" makes me think of mob mentality...to whip everyone into a frenzy of name calling and hate...that's what I see name calling..hate.....

Is Hero's Spouse a place of HATE or a place of healing and growth?

Again the Hate word XYZ why is that?

This is to get this site back to what I saw it was years ago when I went back in the archive and how it was when I joined, which is an inclusive and supportive non-judgemental place...where those who are dealing with like minded situations can share, support and not judge.....

And yes sometimes vent...vent at the craziness of some of the AP's, vent at the injustice and the spitefulness thats coming their way...vent their kids have to go to stay with the MLC'er and OW.

 you need to vent in this way, perhaps a personal journal is a more appropriate place to let out your anger and rage, or a gym or going for a long walk....MLC is going to last for a long, long time....the LBSer gets to choose how they will spend that time. Spending it condemning the OW/OM and calling him/her names will increase the biological stress responses that are already in overdrive in your body, causing physical and emotional harm.

I'd rather see people use other techniques to calm their nervous system so they can go about life and securing their financial and legal issues in a calm and efficient matter. Spending that energy into being a single parent to their children and showing our children how we handle difficult situations...without name calling which to me is a violent act would be much healthier.

Name calling maybe a violent act in your opinion but I have seen on a huge amount of threads the OW referred to as 'pondlife 'pondscum' 'parasite' 'tool' 'Sasquatch'  and many more.....this is from LBS's before me and it never stopped their healing.....
Name calling may be a violent act to you, to me it helps others get the anger out there.....

AND what dismays me is that you pick up on one point....the name calling.....when that's a very small part of what this thread is about

What I want to do is let those who need it be able to discuss stuff and help each other without judgement, like they were able to do years ago.

Like it or not some LBS's are dealing with particularly nasty divisive AP's...…. this is now those LBS's every day reality
AND some LBS's really struggle with the AP and need to be able to discuss this and to share HERE...why are they not allowed to do that without judgement?

It actually helps healing in my opinion to be able to know those people oepaoniWhy

[Nas]

With regards to anyone who feels they aren't able to talk about the OW on their own threads without having to apologize for it, my feelings are, as I said to Milly, venting when you have a cray cray OW who is seeking you out, getting in your face and being nutso is different than just continuously screaming "OW is a ow!!  OW lured my H away!!  OW broke up my family!!" and never moving past that intense blind rage.

Everyone has vented to some degree about the OP.  When people indicate that they are checking the OP's social media or things like that, it's a logical question for others to ask how it's serving them and to suggest they focus on themselves and not engage with the OP at all.  Especially an OP who is presenting characteristics of a PD.  They want you to engage so why give them anything they want?  And absolutely, when you are doing things to vent your rage that land you in jail, that's a huge problem and not something anyone here or IRL would champion. 

We all say all the time, we can only control ourselves.  We can't change anything about the situation.  Giving energy to the affair won't change anything.  Whatever the reason for our spouse being with the OP, they are with them and will be until they decide not to be anymore. 

[Helpingme!]

I've called my wife's OM names, and called om/ow on other people's threads names.
I don't see anything wrong with it. I don't hardly ever mention ON anymore but I did at first.  I think it's part of our(LBS) healing process. If we can't come let our anger out here??? Then where can we?? That's what we are here for us to help others heal and get past our pain. Hell I've called my wife names on here. I think it's just part of it. 
10 years down the road u will still think OM is a POS!!! I understand my W is the cause and I'm sure she pursued him, but in my book he's crap too. JMO. 
Are we saying no names at all, like skank, or tramp, or just no bad names like @#$!# or @#$%!?

If someone is hurting or angry and want to call OM/OW a name? Oh well!! JMO.

[megogirl]

Name calling is not allowed. Hate also isn't. Therefore, a thread to name call and to use hate, if that is the purpose, goes against HS rules.

Could you please stop being the HS [police]? [RCR Edited for rude inappropriate and uncalled for reference]

Because between this & "lariwriter, you don't belong here!", it's grown really tiresome.  This thread was formed to vent - not "hate" - and indicated to be such a thread.  So if you don't like it, don't look at it!

But while we're on the subject, RCR's very own words were, "I get it....she really is a wh*r^."

So, did RCR break her OWN "rules" when she wrote that?
No, what I have said is that I understand why an LBS would call an alienator that. I have not said you should call anyone that. My understanding is not an endorsement.

[Father5]

    I know I am new but this is my two cents.

   I had real anger issues with the other man. I Wanted him and her dead, I didn't want to do it myself but I did wish the plane would fall out of the sky when they were visiting each other. I still have never seen a picture of him and I am glad for that. He lives 2000 miles away and I am glad for that. I called my wife a Wh23re and said I wanted to beat this guys a$$, but I wanted her to watch.

  All of that being said, I really didn't start to heal emotionally until I started praying for the OM. I found God and it really elevated my thought process. I prayed for his safety and that he could find his way back to his wife.

   I didn't want to go through life being the angry resentful man. That I was in such a dark place that i had nowhere to go but up. I have my moments and I cycle occasionally were I am still angry. But overall I could and wouldn't begin to heal until I changed my thought process. I wish now that I could take back all of the angry words I have said. I am better than that !

[Anjae]

Anjae


I had a sweepstake with someone how long it was going to take you to show up!

You what?

a) this is a discussion thread

b) what you did goes agains what RCR request LBS not to do

c) what I said is either fact - HS rules, being RCR who says it, etc., question to you, that you did not adress or common sense.

d ) that was rude and uncalled for.

Name calling is not an opinion. It is name calling. Your for the supposed lack of openess of HS involves the fact that LBS are told not to name call OW/OM.

Opinion is also not hate. What some LBS write about OW/OM is hate. Also, some LBS medically diagnose the OW/OM with a personality or mood disorder = mental illness. Unless the LBS knows from the OW/OM doctor that OW/OM has a personallity or mood disorder, saying "the OW/OM is borderline/narcissist, etc." is wrong. Saying "I think OW/OM may be borderline/narcissist" is not. The "I think" makes all the difference. 

HS always told LBS not to focus on OW/OM and not to name call. Always, since it existed back in 2010.

Everyone can share their experience with OW/OM and people do it daily. You are bringing up a non-issue and saying people who advice agains name calling OW/OM and LBS not to focus on OW/OM are being judgmental, when those are part of RCR way, that is, HS way.

Discuss what exactly? What people already do everyday on their threads? Did anyone said LBS were not allowed to talk about OW/OM? I don't think so.

Now, can you kindly answer my questions? Properly, if you please. Thank you.

[xyzcf]

but then XYZ you had a long time dealing with your MLC'ers crisis without even knowing about an OW....so your pain came in stages, its not the same for everyone

Actually 1 trouble I knew about OW 10 days after BD. It was and always will be very painful so please do not dismiss my pain as being less than others. 

Name calling is against the guidelines for this site. You are free to be abusive outside of HS. Please respect the mission of HS.

[1trouble]

JEEZ...…..

This thread is meant to be a chance for THOSE WHO NEED TO AND WANT TO to discuss the OW/OM without judgement...
ITS NOT ABOUT NAME CALLING persae....!!!!

This thread is for those people...…..focus and discuss all you want.....if this thread dies without anyone posting on it, then maybe I misunderstood the need for it.....

 then use this space to do it and I hope others let you without judgement......because years ago on here thats exactly what would have happened... ….

This is my answer...............

XYZ.....if name calling was against HS policy then there would be hardly any posters including those who reconciled like seekingpatience, rainbowgal, offwhitelily and many more!


I was not dismissing your story, as if I would!!
I think you know me well enough XYZ to know I am not like that! I have never been dismissive of anyone's story or pain, even if I have (lately ) been accused of it!
If I got your story wrong I apologise

Now can we STOP the arguing that seems to go on here...ALL the bloody time and let this thread be a thread for those who are struggling with the AP and the stuff they have to deal with because of their spouses MLC choice of AP

BECAUSE the way this is going is not how I wanted it to be

THIS IS ABOUT LBS's WHO ARE STRUGGLING with the OW/OM concept AND dealing with the OW/OM intervention in their lives, their contolr over the MLC'er and the OW/OM seeing their children etc. etc...

And about allowing them a space to be able to do that ..the name calling is a way of depersonalising the AP IMO it is a part of healing FOR SOME

ITS NOT about anything else and despite me being vilified (which btw I don't care about, because HEY I have done my mirror work and I dont have issues !)
I started this thread because I wanted to give those LBS's a safe place!!

Though TBH the way this has gone off...which seems to be the norm lately ...it would be a brave LBS, especially a newbie who does post on here!!!

Thanks to all who have been brave thoughxx