[1trouble]

When I first joined this site I remember seeing discussion threads dedicated to discussing the OM/OW.
I also devoured anything I could get my hands on, here and elsewhere, about not only MLC behaviours BUT the OW/OM dynamic.

There were LBS's openly discussing their experiences and thoughts about the OW/OM.
Some of the threads were serious, some slightly comical, I learnt a lot from those threads and others.

In REAL LIFE, MLC is not understood, even derided and so all of us have found it hard to talk openly about what has gone on, or is going on, because people in RL don't understand and we run the risk of sounding crazy ourselves, with some of the MLC behaviour we have to deal with.

So this discussion board has to be a place of safety and somewhere, where we know we wont be judged.

Today I have read comments that I feel may stifle this openness...…..comments saying things like 'not to focus on the OW'....
how 'name calling is wrong'.....

Why is it?...........who says it is.?.........Its my opinion that you have to get to a point of acceptance and detachment and to do that you have to understand and that may mean going round and round talking about something until you understand it. It may mean name calling and venting and anger, but why is that wrong if it helps someone to get it out there...…?
No-one is calling YOU names so relax and let them vent...….I have seen plenty of LBS's over the years with very derogatory names for the OW/OM....so what!

Also for some their OW/OM is a constant in their lives because of children, they may be being baited by an OW/OM......they maybe relatively new to this, they maybe struggling with self esteem issues.......part of sharing and talking helps......

SO lets accept everyone is different, if this thread isnt your bag, dont post here...…….leave it to the people who need to post..

we all are different with different situations and we all heal in different ways and we all have different coping strategies and some will heal quicker than others.....and some will have absolutely nothing to do with the OW /OM and some have to deal with them a lot because they have kids and some will have to deal with the OW/OM because they are trying to drag them into the drama.

This thread is for those people...…..focus and discuss all you want.....if this thread dies without anyone posting on it, then maybe I misunderstood the need for it.....

But if you feel the need to rant, name call, compare notes  about OW/OM do it. if you want to give guidance/support to others in your situation or a similar situation, pass on your experience of what worked for you. etc etc....

 then use this space to do it and I hope others let you without judgement......because years ago on here thats exactly what would have happened... ….

[megogirl]

YAY!  I love this thread!

Because I have been personally derided by people for calling OW a hooker, et al.  Well, this homewrecker only appeared after XH became a high-powered executive, earning over $300k a year.  Would she still have been interested when he was 23, and BROKE?!? 

Sorry but if you can't vent here, you can't anywhere.  And I just call it like I see it.   

[1trouble]

Here are a couple of the old threads too for anyone interested

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=30.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1454.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=423.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1593.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1859.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1946.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2088.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2649.0

[xyzcf]

comments saying things like 'not to focus on the OW'....
how 'name calling is wrong'.....

The "basics" of understanding MLC is that it is not about the LBSer and not about the marriage.

The OW/OM is part of the crisis and most MLCers have this in common. But they are not to "blame" for the crisis.

The problem with venting our rage/anger and hatred towards the OW/OM is that this takes the focus off our work that we need to do to heal.

The idea of this thread, to allow a place to vent and "scream" makes me think of mob mentality...to whip everyone into a frenzy of name calling and hate...that's what I see name calling..hate.....

Is Hero's Spouse a place of HATE or a place of healing and growth?

If you need to vent in this way, perhaps a personal journal is a more appropriate place to let out your anger and rage, or a gym or going for a long walk....MLC is going to last for a long, long time....the LBSer gets to choose how they will spend that time. Spending it condemning the OW/OM and calling him/her names will increase the biological stress responses that are already in overdrive in your body, causing physical and emotional harm.

I'd rather see people use other techniques to calm their nervous system so they can go about life and securing their financial and legal issues in a calm and efficient matter. Spending that energy into being a single parent to their children and showing our children how we handle difficult situations...without name calling which to me is a violent act would be much healthier.

[Milly]

I'm here and I'm going to post something I'm sure is going to get attacked.

I'm one of those people who has really struggled with the OW. I don't say too much about it on my thread because I will get the usual don't focus on her, don't hate her, don't name call her, forgive her, she's a person with problems, well she's the person who contributed full on to blowing my world up.

I don't vent here about it, because I'm scared to but when I talk with some LBSs privately, I let them vent and I vent too. You know what, I feel better afterwards. If I'm to say that I'm ok and don't care one bit about the OW, that she means nothing to me, that she's below me, that I'm superior, I would be lying. I hope to reach that place one day, but I'm not there yet. I still hate her with all my guts because she knew what she was doing.

I am still doing my mirror work and focusing on my future, but my feelings are my feelings.

[Nas]

Well, Milly, your H's OW is a special brand of evil. 
BUT what I see from you is you living your life, working on yourself, moving forward and growing.
I think your feelings about OW are valid and I think xyz's concern for people is also a valid one.  Most of the time, when people say they are concerned about those who have too much hate for the OW/OM, it's directed at people who blame the OW/OM almost totally for the affair, as if the OW/OM used some kind of witchcraft to lure their spouse away.  Or they are so consumed by rage and anger, they can't get started on GAL and moving forward.  They get stuck in a cycle of hate and anger and stay there so long it's detrimental to them.

In reality, at a certain point after the initial pain and anger of learning about her existence, the OW didn't matter.  I blocked her on all social media and chose not to even acknowledge her existence.  (Again, this is just MY opinion) My H did what he did, is doing what he's doing, all of his own volition.  I don't like the OW by any stretch or think she's a decent human being, but I don't spend any time thinking about her.  She only enters my thoughts peripherally, as in if I think about "Oh, today is H's bday," I also know he's spending it with her.

I don't forgive her.  Hell no.  I just don't consider her at all.  I don't have kids so she's really not a part of my life at all.  (I honestly don't know how those of you who have to deal with having an OP in your kids lives handle it because it just seems awful.)

[Nas]

I'd also like to add that for ME (not everyone, but ME), looking at OW's social media and seeing her pictures, etc, would impede my healing.  I know some people can handle looking at pictures and knowing all about the OP, but I just can't. 

[megogirl]

What Milly said......X 1,000,000

I am so tired of feeling like I need to apologize for anything I've said/done re: OW.

Whenever I look at their social media, I am actually quite offended.....you really blew up your family for THAT?!?

[Anon]

I’ve had my own issues regarding the ow.   My h was having a MLC otherwise he wouldn’t have even glanced her way.  But he WAS having a midlife crisis which made it oh so easy for him to fall into her trap, otherwise he wouldn't have glanced her way.    She knew he was in an intact marriage when they met at an out of town function involving alcohol.  She didn’t care and they proceeded jointly to get me out of the picture and get him divorced after spending all 3 nights with each other.   By then he was gone.  Hard not to have some negative feelings about her.   She can’t be in her right mind either because MLCer’s are no catch in any of the ways that matter - character, integrity, loyalty.   Often personality disordered or having a MLC themselves so is it no wonder they don’t care? 

On the other hand I realize that if it wasn’t her it would eventually be someone else who was ready and willing because that’s what most MLCer’s do.   Somehow the ow is an important factor in resolving his issues and the presence of someone to have a affair with is just how it goes with MLC.   

I stopped ages ago calling her awful names, not because she didn’t deserve it but because it kept me focused on what they were doing instead of what I needed to do.  I kept me stuck and delayed my own growth.  My ongoing anger was wearing me down and doing nothing to either of them.  I had to stop.   If she has to be mentioned to anyone for any reason I never use her name, she is just his girlfriend.   Not at all the same as a wife.  In fact that’s pretty disgusting as it is for a married man to have a girlfriend and other people will smell the yuck without me having saying anything more.

I recently just started doing this when posting here.   Whenever I refer to h or his ow, it’s lowercase, not caps.   Small thing I know but I’m saving the Caps for people that deserve it.   

I’m not offended at all if other posters want to rant some about it.  We’ve deserve to vent what we feel.   Suppressing is no good either - how long before the lid really blows off?   The only way I managed to stop was when I became aware of what all that anger and negative energy was doing to me and the trade off was simply not worth it in the end.

[in it]

Well the second time I ended up here I am thankful people allowed me to vent and get out my anger. It did help me heal.
Again my situation was different. I didn't need to vent about the OW/ EXOW.

In 2013 it was about what happened to me and how mad that made me feel. That was the focus.

But I'm pretty sure back in 2010-2011 I had a few choice names for her and no one stopped me from expressing myself.

However full responsibility is put on the ex. She was a catalyst-that's all- nothing more. And if it wasn't her it would have been somebody else.
I have a question for anyone who reads this:

Can anyone recognize their anger as a possible step/stage in the grieving process?