[superdog]

This is very interesting to go back and re-read. I started the first bit nearly a year ago !

Now looking back i can see it for what it was. It was a crisis reaction to my leaving him at that time. He was panicking and i think that he had a meltdown. After all the apologies etc he went back to his usual bad behaviour when i came home, then got worse, then moved out, then came back and 1 year later he is just the SAME!!!!

Still projecting, still blaming, still wallowing in self pity, still in contact with OW  Still, still still.............

A year in the life of an mlcer wouldn't swap ya !!!

SD
x

[Albatross]

Awwwwwww...

Very interesting tread, indeed !

[Wildfire]

Hi everyone,

I have a question that has been bubbling up in my mind:

If an MLCer returns and eventually enters into reconnection and reconciliation, how do we know whether they are simply settling (i.e. the grass wasn't greener so I guess I will come back to this because no better option seems apparent)?

I ask because I read so much about MLCers coming back with guilt, but not true remorse in their hearts. They are not necessarily on their knees begging for our forgiveness for all the pain, devastation, and shattering they have inflicted on us that was a direct result of the choices they made. They are not saying they are 100% committed to us, the marriage, etc. and  will do whatever it takes to make things right. It sounds like if/when they do come back, they are moody, ambivalent, depressed, etc.---almost like a defeated, pouty teenager who didn't get his/her way.

So, are they just coming back because their flight to freedom, happiness, etc. didn't go they way their fantasy mind thought it would and just think something (us) is better than nothing?

I realize I may sound cynical and jaded. That's just where I am right now. I guess dealing with an MLCer will do that to a person.

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Wildfire

[OldPilot]

I have a question that has been bubbling up in my mind:

Adding this to an existing thread - see my post #30 above for more info.

[UnconditionalLove]

I would like to read this but I don't know what see my post #30 means

[Albatross]

Go there: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=26.0

[OldPilot]

I would like to read this but I don't know what see my post #30 means

If you look at the reply # on your post it says #40.

This post is #42 but if all that fails do what Albatross said right above.

[Wildfire]

Hi everyone,

I have a question that has been bubbling up in my mind:

If an MLCer returns and eventually enters into reconnection and reconciliation, how do we know whether they are simply settling (i.e. the grass wasn't greener so I guess I will come back to this because no better option seems apparent)?

I ask because I read so much about MLCers coming back with guilt, but not true remorse in their hearts. They are not necessarily on their knees begging for our forgiveness for all the pain, devastation, and shattering they have inflicted on us that was a direct result of the choices they made. They are not saying they are 100% committed to us, the marriage, etc. and  will do whatever it takes to make things right. It sounds like if/when they do come back, they are moody, ambivalent, depressed, etc.---almost like a defeated, pouty teenager who didn't get his/her way.

So, are they just coming back because their flight to freedom, happiness, etc. didn't go they way their fantasy mind thought it would and just think something (us) is better than nothing?

I realize I may sound cynical and jaded. That's just where I am right now. I guess dealing with an MLCer will do that to a person.

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Wildfire

Thanks for attaching my thread to this one, OP. I read through this one and Superdog's and I see a lot about the stages of MLC and Awakening, but not much specific to my question.

My question pertains to concerns about being second choice if/when MLCer returns and how others cope with that.

I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I don't want to be what anyone is settling for because the fantasy didn't work out. I am wondering if others experience those feelings while standing and how they cope with them.

Thanks!

Wildfire

[MyBrainIsBroken]

I agree with you , Wildfire. I've told W that I'm waiting for her but that I don't want her to return unless she decides she loves me and wants to be with me. I hope someday to have the opportunity to try and figure out whether her return is sincere. So far it's not an issue.

[The lighthouse]

Attaching to follow