[willitgetbetter]

Happy to have found this thread. I believe we are in reconnection now, or at least very close to it.

I am having a difficult time with my H wanting to hang out with his friends and visit his mom on his days off. He is extremely loving and affectionate at home and wants to spend time with me all day at home. Sex is great, frequent, no monster, he is even better than his pre-BD self. Very thankful to me for everything. And he is even open to having another baby now, where as before his "no" was written in stone.   

But he just can't seem to bring himself to say "Hey lets get a sitter and go to the movies". I know that if I were to make plans he would go. But as a woman, who had been somewhat neglected until the past 6-9 months or so, I would like to see him put the same energy into taking me out. As well as we get along now, I really do struggle with figuring out why he can make outing plans with everyone else. If you want to spend time with me at home, why not outside? And I know I can initiate but I feel afraid and don't want to appear desperate. And I am wounded from all of this. For some reason I feel very vulnerable and the thought of even asking him to go out makes me anxious. So for now I guess we will just date from the couch.

I am grateful for how far he has come. This is my main complaint now, following behind his financial recklessness, which combined is nothing compared to before and what many still go through. So not really complaining. Just venting and trying to understand this.

[crazyjourney]

Hi

Just caught up with this thread today and just wanted to say it is so inspiring to read people at more or less this stage all helping each other along.

Awesome  x

[justasking]

Willit

For some reason I feel very vulnerable and the thought of even asking him to go out makes me anxious. So for now I guess we will just date from the couch.

This is also how your H feels. He knows so much is riding on this that it frightens him also. Home is comfoprtable and safe. The big world is scary and challenging.

Your H is still moving through his journey. He is still cycling through what he needs to learning as he goes. But you are too. So you both end up to scared to ask each other.

IMO air your views in a friendly way and ask for his too.  If he would rather stay in at this time then you will know. But he may identify what his concerns are at the moment. Talking about them about them together is part of you both getting to know each other again 

Hugs

[willitgetbetter]

Crazy Journey,

Yes. It is a blessing. Even this far along it is still a challenge because instead of fully disconnected, which is uniform and you know what to expect, now you are connected but not fully. Its a different kind of rollercoaster, just not a big one.

Just Asking,

Thanks so much for your comments.

I never thought about it that way. I guess because he has come so far and will initiate kissing and affection. Will regularly walk over and give me a hug or say "come here and give me a kiss". Since he can do that, I would think saying "Hey lets go to the movies" wouldn't be a feat. Especially since I said "It would be nice if you wanted to stay home sometimes or if we could spend a day off together." His response was "Don't worry. We will when I'm on vacation in June". I asked in APRIL!!!  ;/ However, his mom and his friends get each of his weekends. From about noon to 9pm. More details in my thread.

I, on the other hand due to being wounded, can't even bring myself to initiate a kiss or a hug. So I commend him being able to even do that to me. And despite him being open to another baby, the thought of asking him to go out is paralyzing. Clearly, the fact that he is now open to a baby means he wants to stay. And he knows it is a deal breaker for me...yet he stays and continues to be affectionate.

He hasn't said "I want to stay."  But with other words when I have said for him to go ahead and find the better life he thinks he can have without me. Then he will say "No." or "What do you mean??!?!?" or "I'm very happy with you". And he shows it through his affection.

But despite all of this, I feel like I don't want to expose myself yet, until I have a "guarantee" that he is really in. LOL. I feel empty in the attention department and feeling like a male wants to spend time with me. So I crave male attention, not sexual at all, but friendship. I have an old fireman friend I have known for 20 years and am always looking to go out with him. When I do I feel re-energized. So the male attention thing is not about chemistry for me, I guess its about being appreciated and a male desiring to go out and have fun with you.

H sometimes seems bothered by it but doesn't really say anything. He will make a passive aggressive joking comment here or there. Like "Don't be givin my stuff away out there." LOL. I do recognize that a part of me does go out to say "Well...if you took me out, I wouldn't have to do this." But he still doesn't ask me out. LOL. However, me going out, even with girlfriends, helped tremendously in waking him up. Before we started reconnecting he would be like "Why are you always going out?" or "Who are you going out with now?"  He works nights so should be asleep when I leave, but instead on nights when I was going out, he would stay up to see what I'm wearing, would comment, and then stay awake until I came home. LOL. I got a kick out of it. But since reconnecting I haven't gone out as much because I haven't been as stressed or felt as much need to go out and "have fun". I was seeking attention in a more sexual attraction way back then because I was wounded and fully rejected. But its different now. I just crave male friendship. Maybe if I start up my going out again, I might just get a date or two.

[OldPilot]

Merged this thread in with a SUPERDOG thread on the same subject from last year.

It is also a continuation of a thread we already had on this subject.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=26.0

Hope this helps to answer some questions for more people.

[willitgetbetter]

Posting so I can follow. Thanks.

[OldPilot]

Posting so I can follow. Thanks.

Well you already had posted on the thread

Welcome again.....

[willitgetbetter]

Haha. Did I? Guess I'm really fishing hard today. Sorry. LOL

[alwayshope]

Me too

[31andcounting]

Thanks Me three
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