[MyBrainIsBroken]

It's probably a bit odd but I agree with Terra. If my wife makes it through her MLC and wants to reconcile, I would find it easier to trust her than somebody new. Before my wife's BD we had 30 years during which I never had any reason not to totally trust her. I consider MLC to be an anomaly. Once it's done, it's done.

[Marchingforward]

It's probably a bit odd but I agree with Terra. If my wife makes it through her MLC and wants to reconcile, I would find it easier to trust her than somebody new. Before my wife's BD we had 30 years during which I never had any reason not to totally trust her. I consider MLC to be an anomaly. Once it's done, it's done.

I agree with both of you. I’ve thought about this a lot. I know my H and it would be mush easier and for me safer to trust him once he’s out of this MLC then to try and trust someone new.

[Standing Strong]

Um... I feel a little weird in saying this...... but does any else feel this way (in theory)?

We LBS's think about all the different possibilities, how can we not?
In my case.... I know W could collapse, relapse big time and become even worse..... D me, hurt me, wreck me. All possible.
Let's say the worst happens and I find myself alone, D'ed and there's no going back.
Assuming I ever give someone else a chance (which would be so hard as I promised to be loyal until the end). Assuming there could ever be someone else..... at this age almost everyone who is single is D'ed.

I just find the thought of being with someone who used to be someone else's so unnerving. So unnatural. Is that weird?
I also don't like the idea that I belonged to someone..... promised someone, and could be with someone else. That feels like betrayal, and I'm no traitor. How to be not married when you're not the one who choose to end a marriage? It is perplexing to me. Such a paradox.

I guess it sorta like old people I'd see when I was very young. They be married to someone for 50+ years and then their spouse would pass away...... and then within a year or two they were remarried again!!! I would look at that and think "Why? Isn't that unfaithful to the one you were with? What about their memory?". And then in a few years the new couple would pass on too...... in those cases I'd always see the H be buried next to his 1st wife, and the W being buried next to her 1st husband. And then I'd think.... "why did they M? To not be alone in their last years? What was their love like if they always knew they'd be next to the love of their life and not next to the new spouse", "What is this all about?". And now... with MLC and the potential for losing the love of your life...... what IS a next R? Is it like those old people? Is it just not wanting to be alone? Is it a replacement? What happens to the memory and the love you have/had for your MLC'er before they had MLC?
I hope I never find out, I don't want to know the answer (not 1st hand anyway).

-SS

[nah]

Is shutting the door to the idea of another love about loving our spouses or about fear?

[Jackolar12]

Milly, better the Devil you know than the Devil you don’t I suppose. I tried dating in earnest but decided the ones I met just did not measure up so I gave up on it. It is lonely but after the injustice of MLC it is a safer bet IMHO.

[Jackolar12]

Nah it’s a defensive mechanism in my case, I can’t face another failed relationship at my age. If I did meet someone I haven’t got the same prospects of long term I had decades ago so any relationship would be short term to me at the moment, perhaps I will change in the next few years who knows.

[Thunder]

Standing, there are various reasons why an old person would remarry, could be just for companionship, or for financial reasons.  A lot of older people are on a fixed income, which is hard.
Besides I doubt their loved one would want them to be alone.

However I feel the same way you do.  I am divorced but I have no desire to be with someone else.
It would just feel weird.

I didn't feel this way after my first divorce, but I was so much younger and still had kids at home.
Plus he was a womanizer so he didn't deserve my loyalty.

[megogirl]

I think it would be weird too, Standing.  Sadly, we’re considered “old-school” now.  But I’m fine with that.   

I spent half of my life kissing frogs until I found my prince.  I am really too old to kiss any more, and have no desire to anyway.

[Treasur]

Is shutting the door to the idea of another love about loving our spouses or about fear?

Neither for me.
I really enjoyed most of the old We but find it hard to visualise being part of a different We perhaps bc I am still working out what the post-trauma me looks like. But for sure, she isn't the same....so the old kind of We would be impossible for me now. Just haven't got to the point where I can imagine it, that's all.
And the 'devil you know' principle? Doesn't fit me either. The 'devil' version of my xh is a broken, cruel, deceitful person that I simply couldn't do any kind of We with that would feel good....just nothing close to who I chose to build a We with. And in the unlikely event that he popped up as something close to who he used to be, wanting a new We bc he suddenly remembered alll the good qualities of the old one? Well, unfortunately, I'm not the same now so that wouldn't work either.
When I get to the new Me, I'll trust that if i want a different kind of We, I will find one with a different kind of person. And none of that changes the reality that I valued much of the old We and still sometimes miss both the old We and the old Me before this life experience....but both are gone and can't be recreated imho. I don't always like it but it feels truthful to me....shame though bc some chap has lost out on a very good We-er lol.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

SS, I feel much the same as you. I find it difficult to consider being with somebody else. I know lots of people do it and I'm ok with that, but I can't figure out how it would work for me. I don't think it's fear. Maybe it's just a lack of vision.

Maybe I was too attached to my wife. My oldest brother has been married 5 times. I said to him about 6 months after BD that he must think I'm a little ridiculous for not kicking my wife to the curb and finding somebody else. He said he was jealous of my ability to love my wife so much. He said he's never been able to get close enough to anyone to be bothered about losing them. He told me that for him replacing a wife is a lot like replacing a car, fairly routine except for a little inconvenience until he gets used to the new model.