[Jackolar12]

Gman, I remember in University reading an academic Midas study 2004 if memory serves me correctly. The qualitative interviews gathered identified 26% of Americans who took part in the study stated they had a MLC. There was insufficient data to convince me though as I think a lot might have mistook a midlife transition for a crisis.

To date I have found nothing accredited that supports MLC and if you ever find some please post it.

[Jackolar12]

I don't know the answer to the Thread question.

But I recognise what WHyUs said about the courage of letting go.
In a way, it's a different kind of love I think...to say I don't get this and it looks like destruction to me but I respect your right as a human to choose for yourself as I have the right to choose to protect myself.
Time usually shows all of us the good choices or not doesn't it?
I honestly don't know if my xh lost himself or found himself or a bit of both.
My perception is based on my perspective; his may be quite different and I may never hear his story.
But I couldn't survive too much more of the abuse and contempt and WTFness....for most of us it really is a crushing bewildering experience to be discarded and diminished and deceived in this way....and my xh seemed to be choosing that as part of his path....so all I could do was let go. In a funny way, it is a win-win really...he got the new life/wife he wanted without dealing with the mess he made for others; I got to choose to say goodbye to people who don't value me or think my life matters.

I suppose a path to reconciliation is possible if something changes in both people but I have no idea how one could predict that in advance.

From what I have heard off people who work alongside my Mlcer she is sort of happy and takes regular holidays with her OM2 who she thinks the world of apparently. So it looks like I might have been holding her back unintentionally and cramping her true self. I guess I will never know...

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Jack, that's something that many of us wonder but have no way of knowing.

[OffRoad]

No offense, OffRoad, but I think you've redefined done.

I'll try again. The only thing we know for certain is that there will be no chance of reconciliation once you decide that you're absolutely, positively, no chance of changing your mind, for all of eternity, until he!! freezes over, cross my heart and hope to die, done, done, done!!!! And even then, there's still a chance of reconciliation until one of you dies.

You might be right. I can guarantee I see shades of most definitions. But I buy your definition above 100%

[OffRoad]

As my opinion, mlcers who properly want to reconcile need to have figured out that the fault was within themselves. They don't blame others for their own shortcomings. They try to figure out how to make it right. (from what I read, Barbies husband tries in his own way. She needs something more, yet he has not given up) And yes, they must have a willing LBS to come back to. Willing does not equate to doormat, either.

I don't think it has anything to do with if they left home or got divorced. I think some stay at home if they can do as they like and it's easy and some stay at home because they are afraid to leave and some stay at home because they don't want to leave. We can't know which is which until they get to the end, if they ever do.

Same with those that leave.  Heck, same with the LBS! Some go fast, some get stuck, some go slow, some don't go at all. We all get where we are going in whatever time it takes for us to get there.

[Not Applicable]

Part of the problem here is that everyone is assuming their spouse is in MLC.

In some cases here, it is probably obvious to everyone but the LBS who hopes for reconciliation that their spouse is NOT in MLC and really just has left a bad marriage.

Perhaps the reason some MLCers leave and don't come back is because they were never MLCers in the first place.

[Jackolar12]

NYM, if we didn’t think they were in MLC we would all be on the Chump Lady site throwing bricks at the cheating fire truckers. Most people are self-aware and know when something’s not right in a situation, here we gather in numbers to discuss our boggles and hopefully by networking together gain a global understanding of what seems to be an increasing problem in our times.

[gman242]

NYM, At least in this thread, I think we're talking generally about MLC and not in specific cases. People have to process in their own time, all you can do is either be nice or move on.

Jackolar12, It seems like to me over the last 20 years all we've heard about is mid, mid quarter, early 1/3rd crises and so ons. I personally, don't see any difference between a transition and a crisis, other than the crisis involves a a catastrophic "break". Things like quitting a job without having a new one lined up, cheating. I think in a crisis, the person gives into impulse and creates damage in their lives that may be irreparable.

I see it as the MLT being the tip of the iceberg.. I think the person in MLT has enough sense of self and emotional functionality to realize something is wrong. They may over compensate for a while and then realize this is an indication that they haven't been taking an inventory of their life and direction of it, mental health ect. due to an overall poor sense of self or healthy coping mechanisms. One may come out more positive on the other side.. a career path change and so on.

I think a person in crisis is just further down the pole, or below the water line to use the iceberg metaphor. I think the people in crisis have a more severe lack of coping, critical thinking skills and emotional awareness than the person in MLT. I think the "break "event is needed because their main coping skills have been avoidance and projection. The can't separate a stressful time at work from another wise good job and they quit, thinking everyone was against them, for instance.

This is just my armchair thinking.. I think everyone goes through transitions all the time. So you're right and I'd agree that most people would respond to a survey would sound like they were in a transition. Maybe the people doing the survey hadn't heard of transition or they had their own bias or lack of understanding when they did the research.

Again, I think everyone transitions. I think the pendulum just swings from gentle course change to full on crisis, based on that persons support system, how developed their sense of self is, emotional intelligence and coping mechanisms.

[Jackolar12]

Gman , I would agree with what you have said and everyone transitions throughout life. Some transition smoothly while Mlcers have the inability to cope with the transition and make knee jerk decisions in panic. I read about the Amygdala’s ability to override the brains normal control systems of evaluation and reasoning while in threatening situations activating the fight or flight systems. The stresses of transition in Mlcers might be causing some to run from
the LBS if they are viewed as a threat.

[Jackolar12]

Thanks MIB it’s nice to talk to people who understand my pain. I know you were married longer than I was so I feel your pain too. Some think men have no feelings and we just dust our self off and march on to the next conquest. In the aftermath of MLC the reality of life becomes uncertain relationship wise, at least to me it does....