[barbiedoll]

My H would have thought I was just not believing him that he was unhappy and wanted a divorce, it would have looked manipulative.

I would have looked like I was in denial and not believing what he felt was real.  To him it was!
"Oh no your are wrong feeling this way, we better take you to a doctor, there is something wrong with the way you feel"
That would go over like a lead balloon and he would just have resented me more.
I would never have done this.

They already think we are the enemy.
What you are proposing is making us more of an enemy.
.

.

I tried to "make" him go to the doctor , twice in fact. I saw the doctor myself and he said  " get him in here ".  What happened? Every single thing quoted above. Insane to say we were somehow irresponsible.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

No offense, OffRoad, but I think you've redefined done.

I'll try again. The only thing we know for certain is that there will be no chance of reconciliation once you decide that you're absolutely, positively, no chance of changing your mind, for all of eternity, until he!! freezes over, cross my heart and hope to die, done, done, done!!!! And even then, there's still a chance of reconciliation until one of you dies.

[Velika]

Telling people not to seek medical attention because you know someone who refused to go, it didn't work —

It's completely irresponsible and reckless! Those are anecdotal stories.

Of course someone should attempt to do what they can to help if in their own circumstance they feel it warrants it. If it didn't work out for you, that's unfortunate, but that doesn't mean it won't work out for someone else.

(I myself was unable to persuade my ex to see a doctor or convince others to help, but I can see now this was in part because I just didn't have the language to describe what I was seeing.)

If we are on a forum for heart pain, would you write, don't seek medical attention because my aunt's friend had chest pain but it turned out to be indigestion? Of course not. Would you say, don't bother checking on Ebstein anomaly, it's rare, if someone thinks they might have finally figured out what is going on?

The brain is a physical organ.

This forum is about as relevant as a discussion of "humours" if people cannot discuss this in medical terms.

Our exes aren't all a bunch of jerks. Some are very unwell and at least deserve our compassionate attempts to understand, and if possible, help.

[Jackolar12]

Mine wouldn’t believe she was in crisis, there was nothing wrong with her and she could see everything clearly according to her. I didn’t ask her to go to the doctors as she was resolute in her decision to divorce me and even had a big smile on her face while she said it.

I did notice herbal tablets she was taking and when I looked them up they were for the Menopause. She never mentioned she was having problems health wise or I would have taken her to the doctors, in fact she looked the picture of health.

I did some online research (as you do) about her behaviours and they matched a cheating spouse. I downloaded the article and brought it to her attention. She looked at it briefly then screwed it up into a ball and threw it at me. I didn’t bother looking further into it as all hell started to break loose within days. My head still spins from this even today as it was bizarre. Looking back in hindsight I can see she was executing her plan and being unaware of her affair I walked straight into her trap.

I don’t think I could have lived with her behaviour if she was a stay at home Wallowers, I’m just not made that way.

[Whyus]

My XW dropped the bomb after I had asked her a simple Question. Babes, do you still love me? (I had had a bad Feeling all day and knew that something was up.) She said no and that was that!!!

She stayed at home and 6 Weeks until i discovered her OM, a gymnerd 15 years younger than her. I asked to to leave for a while and think of whats Happening to us. She left and never came back. She wanted to come back at one point but sill wanted to "go my ways". I wouldnt allow it. I stood for another 6 months but i just couldnt take it anymore.
i couldnt have her in our home whilst she was leaving to see OM, no way. Not in a thousand years.
We sold our house, split the Money then I filed for Divorce. We hardly see each other, last time was S20s Birthday in August. She has totally changed her apearance and her circle of Friends. Her old Hobbies Arent interesting anymore though she has taken doggie back and rebuilt her R with our Boys.

The best thing that I ever done even though it was hard and hurt like hell was to just let go and admit defeat. I am not telling anybody to do this but I felt so much better for it. Sure I still have my WTF? moments but generally I am doing well and i am happy. I wouldnt be where I am today if I had continued my stand whilst she was running around with OM.

IF there was no OM then I would have stood for eternity, I could have found the strength for that but OP is NOT just a SYMPTOM! The OP is very much real and we have NO CHANCE of competing against them and believe me, I am so much more of a man than OM is! FACT.

[Treasur]

I don't know the answer to the Thread question.

But I recognise what WHyUs said about the courage of letting go.
In a way, it's a different kind of love I think...to say I don't get this and it looks like destruction to me but I respect your right as a human to choose for yourself as I have the right to choose to protect myself.
Time usually shows all of us the good choices or not doesn't it?
I honestly don't know if my xh lost himself or found himself or a bit of both.
My perception is based on my perspective; his may be quite different and I may never hear his story.
But I couldn't survive too much more of the abuse and contempt and WTFness....for most of us it really is a crushing bewildering experience to be discarded and diminished and deceived in this way....and my xh seemed to be choosing that as part of his path....so all I could do was let go. In a funny way, it is a win-win really...he got the new life/wife he wanted without dealing with the mess he made for others; I got to choose to say goodbye to people who don't value me or think my life matters.

I suppose a path to reconciliation is possible if something changes in both people but I have no idea how one could predict that in advance.

[Jackolar12]

Whyus, I get what you mean about no OP and the incentive to stand long term, it would seem mine had multiple transgressions in our marriage and used my daughters to cover her tracks. She will never tell me I know so I guess I will have to just try to forget about who and when, 8 years later it shouldn’t really matter I suppose.

I agree with you and Treasures point of view regarding not putting up with their wayward behaviours, I’m exactly the same. I wonder sometimes if she will ever recover from MLC as friends say she still acts like a teenager, perhaps this was an enjoyable phase in her life which fuels the crisis. I wish I had her energy but not her guilt. It’s sooo strange when your former Stepford wife morphs into Cruella Deville.

[Disillusioned]

I did some online research (as you do) about her behaviours and they matched a cheating spouse. I downloaded the article and brought it to her attention. She looked at it briefly then screwed it up into a ball and threw it at me. I didn’t bother looking further into it as all hell started to break loose within days. My head still spins from this even today as it was bizarre. Looking back in hindsight I can see she was executing her plan and being unaware of her affair I walked straight into her trap.

I don’t think I could have lived with her behaviour if she was a stay at home Wallowers, I’m just not made that way.

Ha!  I did the same thing!  Found a checklist of cheating behavior online and she ticked 29 of 30 boxes.  I showed it to her and she said "You're the cheater. You're probably cheating on me!"  (I've never come close to cheating on her, by the way.)  She was able to make it about 6 more months before she bd'd me.  Our physical intimacy was at an extremely high amount that had never occurred during our marriage,  so I was placated for awhile but I could tell there was no emotional connection; something I had been craving for years.  Prior to bd, I was treated to such loving phrases as "Let's just firetruck.  I dont want to make love,"  "I'm only having sex with you to keep you quiet" and "How does it feel to get used for sex?"

After bd,  I was told that having sex with me always felt like she was being raped.      Good times!  She's still the only woman I've been with in two decades and I'm wearing my wedding ring.  The D was filed  by her 6 months ago and nothing else has happened.  I think she's dating, but we've recently become amicable (through supreme effort on my part.) Not sure where this will end up, but I know it's the most difficult thing I've ever undertaken in my life.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Thread title:

How are MLCers who reconcile different than those who do not?

The most apparent difference I can see is that those who reconcile have an LBS who is willing to reconcile. That's a pretty fundamental requirement and I suspect it's pretty rare since MLC lasts for so long.

I haven't heard of any MLCers who have successfully worked through their MLC and didn't want their old lives back but I'm not sure how to identify an MLCer who has successfully worked through their MLC. It seems like the only criteria we have for identifying the successful completion of an MLC is that they want to reconcile.

How do we identify an MLCer who has successfully worked through their MLC? I'd really like to know. In the early days of my wife's MLC one of my biggest fears was that she'd come out of her MLC without wanting to come back. It's been more than 5 years, she still shows no signs of wanting to come back, but I'm still seeing some MLCish behaviors. So how do we know when the MLC is over?

[Thunder]

Oh boy MB, those are $64,000 questions. 

I do think it's different for everyone.  SS came out of hers pretty well and seems better, but she has an LBS who got married.

Acorns H came out of his crisis pretty well, and seems better.

I see a lot of MLCer's come home but they are not completely out of their crisis.
I'm seriously starting to think even 5 years isn't enough time to get through it.
It sure lasts a long time, doesn't it?

"How are MLCers who reconcile different than those who do not?"

That one might be worth $100,000.