[Jackolar12]

Hi Acorn, I wonder what made him stay, perhaps your good at cooking😀 was he very attached to your home and considers it his liar or womb to keep him safe while he’s navigating his issues.

That’s what’s great about Shock Sis as we get to hear from the other side of MLC. It’s a phenomenon that few people outside of these cyber walls understand. I wish more former MLCers would drop by to chat to us all and increase our knowledge.
Jack

[Anon]

https://www.emotionalaffair.org/empower-sarah-interview/

This is a very interesting interview.  Follow the link then scroll down a bit to find the audio link.   It doesn't talk about MLC but it talks about affairs and wow, there are so many similarities to MLC.   The interviewer had an affair but has since reconciled and the interviewee is a betrayed spouse/therapist.   

They cover a lot,,, affair addiction, shame, not about the marriage, fog, and lots else.   Very interesting.   Shock Sis,,, do you have any comment about this?  I'm curious how closely you can relate to what is discussed here. 

[Jackolar12]

Yes your right RTG nothing makes sense and it is so damaging for all concerned. I wonder if anyone here has up to date information about the amount of MLC prevalent in this decade, it would be interesting to find out. My Mlcer was high energy and disappeared very quickly and hasn’t surfaced in the best part of 8 years and the event haunts me daily.

[Thunder]

My Brain,

I agree with you completely.

[OffRoad]

Does anyone else find it interesting that this debate about a stay at home MLCER being more likely to reconcile being on a thread where one who LEFT wants to reconcile, even though circumstances make that impossible?  Right out of the horses mouth (not that you are a horse, SS).

So there it is. Left, divorced, wants back. I often wonder if the difference is whether or not the MLCER wanted to be divorced. (Because SS said she didn't )  If we could all just let them eat cake until they got sick of it, might that work? Not for me, because that is MY line in the sand (everyone else's miles will vary), but I honestly wonder if that would work for some MLCers. (I'm more about setting them free and if they figure themselves out and we like each other at the end, see what happens then, kind of person. But I would not, could not be with someone I knew was cheating on me. That's just me)

[Not Applicable]

My memory could be in error, but weren’t you just strongly advocating for debate on another thread?  Why so defensive?

I was advocating for the RIGHT to debate. Not for debate itself. If I don't want to debate something, it's also my right NOT to engage in a debate.

[Not Applicable]

In RL I can't tell anyone about my stand because they'll tell me I'm in denial, H has moved on and that I'm stuck.

Yes, out there in the more general world beyond this forum, most people do think that. Which is precisely why I think in most cases where the MLCer does what your H did, there is no hope for reconciliation, because the vast majority of people would NOT stand or even think to do it.

You can't come up with statistical probabilities based on the members of this forum, because it is a self-selected group and this group encourages behavior among LBSes that is not considered normal in the wider society.

[Not Applicable]

And anyone who insists that what we're dealing with is a marriage problem simply does not understand MLC. And understanding MLC is the reason for this site -- not to convince anyone to stand. It is here because what LOOKS like "just a marriage problem" is not.

I am assuming this is directed at me but if it isn't, then never mind what I am about to say. I did not say we are dealing with marriage problems, I said we are dealing with a difficult time in our marriage. That doesn't imply that the marriage is a problem, simply that we as a couple are going through challenging times. I also am not in denial that MLC is different. I am simply saying that adjusting our attitude to see it as a difficult time makes it a little easier to relax and just get through the whole horrible thing. I see people desperately looking for signs of "reconnection" or "reconciliation." They are looking for "actions" not "words." They are looking for the OW to be completely gone. In other words, we are told there is this list of milestones our spouse must meet in order for us to reach some sort of goal. And if our spouses don't then people here are left feeling there is something missing. It's just too much pressure.

Someone who was both a recovered MLCer and an LBS recently said to me that they wished they had trusted the process less and trusted their intuition more. I think this is very wise.

The support and advice can be helpful at some level in the beginning. But the faster we can stand on our own feet and think for ourselves, the better off we are going to be in my opinion. And thinking for ourselves can mean questioning the support and advice we got in the beginning and whether it actually helped or hurt us and/or got us to a place where we are content to be today.

[Nerissa]

It stands to reason that if an mlc spouse remains in the home then no matter how superficially, he/she is making a statement of some kind about being  committed in some measure to the  marriage, even if in name only.  And to the outside world it is a troubled marriage and that’s not unusual.

I intuitively agree with Off-road - that if they have left but are not putting divorce proceedings into action there is ambivalence of some kind.  It may be due to cynical financial or other manipulative reasons or there is (more likely imo) some deeper more unconscious ambivalence.  What it is we can only intuit as they may not know themselves.  Insight into themselves isn’t usually prevalent as far as I can see. 

Actually I think they are all unconsciously ambivalent, divorce or no divorce,, otherwise they’d do this in a grown up way.

[marvin4242]

Well considering how many MLCers have destroyed their lives with the statement that they are trusting their intuition or their feelings, and how the “normal” intuition for most LBSers at the start, when they have no idea what is going on, is to try to talk to, explain to, bargain with, engage in deep conversation, and essentially all the things one would do with in a relationship with a rational/empathetic partner I’d say to go with your intuition alone can end pretty badly.

Nothing about MLC is intuitive or rational to a more coherent normal state of being and attachment. In fact for me the sooner I started to learn and understand and take the counter intuitive advice to “leave them alone” the better off I was.