[terra]

Also agreeing with Milly: no wishing, no happiness, no gentleness from your h to ow.

My h has said things like “I don’t think I should be a d!ck about it?” <— complete with question mark.

My answer used to be that no, you don’t “should” be a d!ck about it. But you don’t “should” be *nice* about it, *either*. I seem to be in the midst of some kind of perceptual sea change, though, so I don’t know what my response would be now.

You sound so well and so strong, even if you still tremble or shake. It means a lot to me that you included that physical detail, because I have that too and don’t think I’ve seen it commonly written about. And the visceral involuntary stress response is both the vulnerability and persevering strength that our spouses really do need to see.

I’m so glad for your account and gosh, am sending prayers for blessings and clearings for these next weeks.

[LBS_Les]

Sorry to hear about OW contact.  Seems like a 5h!tty price to pay as the LBS, wondering when they will try and pop in (and they will)

I think your H has to send her the note, and because he caused this mess, it would only seem fair that he write the message to her, with the sole intent of shutting the door on their relationship/communication/friendship etc

I'm not sure what stage your H is in, so are we allowing him to protect OM because he's still not fully back?  Are you able to share how it makes you feel that he would consider her needs above yours that won't cause him to retreat?

[hopeandfaith]

I agree that he needs to write that e-mail if the OW pops her head out again and the content you suggested is perfectly neutral but to the point.  The question is whether or not he'll have the doodads to write and send it.

If he does, it WILL "flare the drama" regardless and he is going to need to suck it up and deal with it, preferably by blocking her from contacting him.  There are ways... like sending mail from a certain sender direct to the trash folder & so on but this is something HE needs to WANT to do, to close the freaking door forever, lock it and toss the key in the key in the river.

I totally agree Ursa.  I know he has the doodads to do this because he's done it before.  He had a lil stalker friend in 2014 and he handled that well.  She was reaching him everywhere and he eventually reported her to HR (they worked together) and he called me every single time she called him.  The question about whether he wants to throw away the key to this liaison will be answered soon I feel.  Thanks for the info on blocking emails.  I won't lie, I am fantasising about doing this behind his back because his trusting little soul has all the same passwords as me.  I won't get in the way of this process though.  I know better than to do that 

A few of you mentioned that you thought the wishes for a good future were too much and it got me thinking that they were only there because I thought he would need them there.  He is a people pleaser from way back.  It is also true that he has been truly vile to her in the past so while the tone of their recent exchange has been described as "polite" it might not make him really uncomfortable to be mean.  Maybe I am the only that gets uncomfortable with it.  What we do know is that no matter what he says, she doesn't go away. He has also blocked her in the past and that didn't last long but he also didn't want it to.  This will be ended somehow - if he wants it.

Thunder it would be interesting to see what he would write on his own.  I think he would be reluctant to show me but not because of any need for secrecy or protection of her, but more so embarrassment and shame of this 'other life' (which was probably way less pathetic when it wasn't being overseen by THE WIFE).

Thankyou for your prayers and blessings Terra, they mean alot

Are you able to share how it makes you feel that he would consider her needs above yours that won't cause him to retreat?

I don't feel like he is considering her needs over mine.  I think the bigger part of him wants this all to go away and a tiny part still wants the attention from her.  The bigger part feels like it is in charge but I sense a sadness in him because he knows he has to kill this off properly now.  I don't think she will go away (and therefore keep this tiny seed/question mark alive) I think she will probably ramp up and force his hand and I will remind him how very good he is at being firm when he needs to.

He is now in the town where I suspect she lives.  He called me after he checked into his room this morning and he didn't tell me that he hadn't seen her sister, which probably means that he did.  I didn't ask and I don't plan to.  I am trusting him to prove that "it doesn't matter anyway".  He didn't sleep well last night - I am not surprised.  He seemed better than I thought this morning though.  I kind of expected him to seem distant but he wasn't.  He was good yesterday too - not strong but trying.

[31andcounting]

Honestly H&F....
Did it have to play out exactly the same as mine??
My H returned and of course reconnected to OW.
It wasn’t until he totally got it that I and our kids were going to be done and we would be okay without him.
If OW was who he wanted than okay.
I was not okay with OW in our life,
Sending you  strength and love my friend!
Up to him!
(((Hugs)))
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[hopeandfaith]

It is comforting to see the similarities 31.  Thanks for sharing.  This sure is tough.

I found out that H met ow last week for a coffee.  First time he has seen her since Sept.  I found out cos I snooped and I know it was a coffee and a kiss because I read an email from her that ironically talks a whole lot about building an honourable future based on what he does next    These chicks are honestly firetrucking delusional but I bet she likes the sound of her own voice.  A whole lotta stuff about being sorry that she might mess things up and that she understands if he turns his back on her for the sake of his family because she only wants happiness and peace for him.

She might be a better option because he sure as hell didn't get happiness and peace from me yesterday afternoon AFTER I sent her an email chewing her out.  The first he knew that I knew about the meeting was when I showed him this email.  I will post it here for full disclosure but discourage anyone saying anything negative about it because its done.  Who'd a thunk it would be me startin the drama?

“I need you to be honest with me and with H&F as from the moment we kissed on Thursday afternoon we were doing the wrong thing.”  You think???  How about when you emailed him after you’d heard we were together again? You have mastered the art of ignoring my existence and disrespecting my family and you think that NOW you can do the honourable thing?  There is no part of me that thinks you would understand if H decides to stay with the family. If you truly wanted peace and happiness, you would have stayed away.  You would be aware by now that any life you have with H would not include his kids as they have most definitely made their mind up about that.  How can you actually think that a life as fractured as that would make him happy?  This is about building your fairytale and it has always omitted a number of very important facts – such as me.  Your life experience over the past 3 years should have demonstrated that H has not just stayed with the family out of duty. 

At the end of the day, it was his choice and it has always been his choice and yet here we are.  We all know you wouldn’t have gone to London if he’d told you to stay.  I am frustrated and saddened that a fellow female would be so broken as to try and ignite something that was so toxic and dysfunctional.  I really hope you stop wasting your time and find a Prince Charming that wants kids.  My tolerance has run out and I am feeling very protective of my family.  I do exist.  I do have feelings and you have trampled all over them over the last 3-4 years.  Shame on you.  H and I have had a lot to work through and obviously still do.  For the moment, the ball is in his court.


I used a couple of fairytale/prince charming references in there to unseat her a bit because I know that H has used them with her too.  I then gave H 24 hours to decide what he's going to do and that expires in about 2 hours.  I really pushed him hard yesterday and he got a bit defensive but fought the urge to bolt.  I reminded him where his suitcase and the front door were nonetheless.

In true H&F and H style, we were nice to each other for the rest of the evening, which I could tell he was super grateful for.  He slept on the couch and I heard him launch his phone at a wall at one point which he tells me was related to a work email.  I did hear D20 asking him what the hell the noise was at the time and that's what they discussed.  He was also drunk by then - way to cope H!!

He has been out most of the day running an errand for his dad and I am pretty sure we are both relieved to have the space.  Evermore came to the rescue with a solid shoulder and some sage advice so the 'so what are you going to do' chat will be a lot less aggressive.  I think I know what he's going to do even if it's just because he hasn't got the balls to actually leave and upset everyone again.

My gut feel is that it was the right thing to intervene, turn the lights up bright and point out the door.  H said he wouldn't be surprised if she emailed be back and I said that part of me would rate that.  She hasn't.  She may have emailed him but as of mid evening last night, he offered that she hadn't.  I know I definitely ruined her day though  .  Her birthday is on Friday and it's either gonna suck or be a birthday miracle.  Funnily enough, H said yesterday that he knows the problem is him and its not just a me or her thing.  One of his options is to leave and be on his own (I was in b!tc# mode then so you can guess what I said to that!).

The kids don't know anything yet.  They will obviously find out if he decides to leave.  They are suspicious though which is not surprising.

H is like a cat on a hot tin roof.  I have decided that I want this still so I need to stay firm but also create a safe space for the dude who shat all over mine.  Other than that, I just have to take this one day at a time.  Not regretting becoming a visible character in this fairytale nightmare yet though.

[Milly]

Hope, I think you acted perfectly. We know these opportunities with the OW can arise and how difficult it is for our MLCers to let go of the dream/illusion. I think it was the right time to insert yourself. And your tone came off as determined, but not b!tc#y or crazy as far as I'm concerned.

I hope your H does do the right thing for all your sakes.x

[UrsaMajor]

Hope,

OW is just lucky you didn't decide to go all



on her nightmare.....

[hopeandfaith]

Not ruling it out Ursa!!

Thanks for your support Milly, it really helps to hear that it sounded determined but not crazy.

As yet, ow has not replied to me.  I am not sure if H has had any contact with her.  We have not really been able to talk because of the kids being around all the time.  This morning he told me that he didn't want to leave and I told him that I didn't want him to.  I apologised for my aggressiveness and he said I had nothing to be sorry for.  I just said that I didn't think it helped our situation.

He has been very loving so I wasn't surprised that he said he wanted to stay. I also know that our next talk (probably tomorrow) is going to contain the nuts and bolts about what happens next.  I would like him to email/text her to let him know his choice because she would also be waiting to see what he's decided to do with this ball that has been left in his court.  She made it clear that she wanted him to be honest with me so that they could build an honourable foundation so I am going to capitalise on that and point out how violently opposed she is to doing the wrong thing again (in other words, leave H&F and get a divorce).  I am going to ask him to copy me into that email so that she knows that I have seen it. 

For once, we will both be hearing the same message from him (it's what she wants right?)  It is her birthday tomorrow so I am going to be kind an let him have until Sat midday to send it.  That is when he is planning on going away for a boys night so I need to know it's done before he adds alcohol and distance from me to this damaged situation.  Will it stop him texting her that night anyway - who knows? 

I am grateful that he had come home before this happened because otherwise, it would have put that likelihood back a great deal. It makes it so much harder for him to leave.  I really don't think he is enough of a bastard or as lost as he was to try and do both.  I think he is grateful to have been caught out and as painful as a group email would be, it might be his best chance to really stump up and then heal.

Things have a habit of not going the way I thought they would at all, so the above plan is a very loose guide.  Wish me luck!!

[Evermore]

Wishing you loads of luck. I hope he does the right thing. xx

[31andcounting]

H&F
You are strong and steady. You’ve handled all of this extremely well but I’ll go ahead and wish you luck anyway 😉
At this point you have done all the right things. It’s still his crisis and as you know it ain’t over til it’s over!
Stay true to yourself and you’ll have no regrets.

(Hugs)
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