[Treasur]

H&f, I don't know what to say that you don't probably already have in your mind. Other than I am sorry for the rollercoaster. I suppose I just think reading along 'actions vs words' bc he did choose to interact with her and that him thinking he can take own sweet time doesn't mean that you have to go along with that. I suppose I'm not sure what is really different or what you are trying to achieve for yourself given how things seem to be. But I hope you find whatever feels like solid H&f ground to you again bc it sounds as if that is what you want.

[hopeandfaith]

Rollercoaster is a great description Treasur. I feel quite psychotic at times so I am just trying to level out a bit.

You’re right, the actions aren’t matching the words. It’s something he has had constant feedback about from all the ow’s. I have had less of an issue with it because he’s been careful with his words with me, other than me always knowing that he longed for home. His positive actions around that have moved at glacial speeds.

Covid19 has definitely been a challenge for him and I am sad to see that he hasn’t really found healthy coping mechanisms for stress.

[9393roo]

Seriously, are our H’s the same person?? 

Everything here rings true.  My H is trying so hard to get that feeling back with the OW, trying to get his double life back and trying to get me to comply while he does it.  Not happening for me and he is angry and confused. 

I was so completely upset yesterday that I too jumped on that stupid Roller Coaster.  My emotions were all over the place and he made a call to me at the wrong time.  We got into a R talk that left my head spinning.  I tried to explain that every time he lets the OW into his life in ANY way she sees it as an invitation.  He disagreed.  I reminded him of the people he put between them so she didn’t report to him that he was now circumventing (who hate her and will tell me if they think somethings up). I reminded him that I’m not going to stay through all of this crap again.  He tried to gaslight, project and get angry.  I’m having none of it now because I understand what is happening.

I was more upset with myself than with him.  I allowed myself to step back into his messed up world and I had a rotten day.  The longer this goes the more I see and some days it doesn’t look promising. 

You said on a previous post: I don’t know if he is strong enough To fix himself and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to leave him.  That is me right now.  Covid has for sure made me pay more attention to him because I can’t leave to get a break.

Know that you are not alone in your thoughts.  Our H’s have one foot in the tunnel and one foot out, I wonder if which way they are going to make their next step? 

Hang in there.   

Roo

[hopeandfaith]

Your day yesterday sounded like my day on Tuesday Roo.  They suck and I totally understand the disappointment in yourself when you let things overtake you.  By god we have to work hard to manage that...way harder than they seem to be working on anything.

I was fortunate enough to have a 2 hour chat with Evermore last night and she really helped me pull back from thinking from a place of fear.  As I result, I slept really well and today has been quite calm.

Our phone bill cycle ends today so I downloaded the recent calls list last night so that I can check to see if there has been any contact since Sat (last contact).  The activity doesn't actually show up on our bill, it is only accessible by going into our account to see current calls and then drops off when the next billing cycle starts.  I haven't checked it yet and won't until I know what I want to do with the information.  Before I have even seen whats there I get cold and shaky, which is completely related to past shocks so I don't want to do it to myself unnecessarily.  At least I have the info if I want it.

H has not pulled away at all and we have started using Facetime a bit more which is makes the distance less pronounced.  That is probably a gift of the COVID experience because I am so used to seeing people that I am talking to now.  I had to host a quiz for work this morning so I ran all the questions by H first as he lay in bed.  We wouldn't have done that if we'd just been talking on the phone.  Awkward silences don't seem to matter on Facetime. 

[Evermore]

So glad you were settled enough to get a good sleep. You're doing so well.

[9393roo]

Ah the walking the tightrope of trust and attachment.  I know it well.  You start to think that maybe, just maybe, they “get it” then it comes back to hit you in the face!

I’m so glad you have someone to turn to that “gets it”. It does help to talk/write it out with someone who has been there!

I too have a barrage of things I can check.  Email passwords, phone records, employees that would be more than happy to share info.  (I’ve asked them to stop unless it was a glaring piece of info. -so far quiet). I know the punch in your gut feeling when you start to snoop.  It’s so hard.  I told my H once that I cannot spend the rest of my life checking on him, it’s too exhausting. 

We walk a fine line of Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.  I feel it often. 

This morning I feel a better sense of detachment.  I’m back to focusing on me and what I can control.  I’m looking into getting a new puppy, something my H does not agree with.  But oh well.  I got my first dog when he was in OW withdrawal and it saved my life.  She is now his constant companion, and he loves her just as much.

Forward we trudge, so very slowly.....

Wishing you detachment and the peace that it brings.

Roo

[hopeandfaith]

Thought I would pop in for a quick update while I can.

H was home on the weekend between trips and I found him to be very attentive and 'us' focused but without any fanfare.  That's just where he is.  Having said that, he also drank a lot and battled the urge to smoke - which he lost.  He said that he'd been very self destructive lately and it has to stop so he is about to commence another 28 challenge.  The start of that did not go well...more details later.

I haven't been able to check the phone bill again because of a problem with our provider which doesn't concern me at all.  I am obviously not meant to.  What I saw of it last week showed occasional contact - not daily.  Funnily enough, I had a sense on the weekend that if he had been in contact with her at all, it would have been a bit mean.  That idea gained traction yesterday when H text me to say that someone had anonymously complained to the police to say that he was going through a breakup, was unstable and they thought he would fly a plane into a cliff.  The police called the company and the company called  H.  He was stood down and had to speak to a CASA (Civil Aviation Safety Authority) Dr and his own GP for a fairly informal assessment which will be finalised today.  In the meantime, he has been sent home and is on his way now. 

H has NO idea who might have made that call except that it was made to the crimestoppers hotline in the the state that OW lives in.  H is adamant it has nothing to do with her and thinks it might have been done by a guy he had problems with 6 years ago (don't think so H).  I am very confident that he is not a danger to himself or others and anyone that has worked with him recently would likely say the same thing.  For all the $h!te that H has been through, he seems to be able to pull rabbits out of a hat at work.  He runs that part of his life from a different tank. In the family we call it the "Green zone" after D did work experience with him once and noticed that his eyes go really green when he is in work mode.  Other D, who now works with him has noticed the same.  So, this was a vindictive and serious act and we are grateful that his medical has not been removed while he undergoes an examination.

Interesting times for us because the massive fat arse elephant in the room now is that I think ow or her team had something to do with it but he doesn't.  It annoys me that he could be that naive but I can understand the embarrassment that would come from thinking it might be her.  D20 is now in the loop about what has been happening recently and she summed him up really well.  She said he's in really rough water at the moment, made worse by COVID and that its probably good for him in the long run but it sucks now.  There has been a strong theme of being attacked, stolen from or lied about around us lately so the world really has been subtly and not-so-subtly delivering a lot of blows this year.

I have a strong feeling that I need to really step back now and just support where I can.  It would be way too easy to accidentally become an enemy now and I am not gonna let that happen.

Hope those puppy plans are coming along Roo.  MASSIVE doggie lover here 

[Treasur]

Yup, has textbook ow written all over it. I remember my then h denying ow had sent the first nasty anonymous notes 'bc he asked her and she said she didn't', even when much later he found out she had lied and stolen from him, he married her a couple of months later. Not sure why but the kind of folks who have affairs seem given to both drama and delusion in the face of the obvious.

I'm not sure what your goal is with your h right now, H&f, but yes standing far far back would seem wise. And perhaps having a contingency plan if things get worse or indeed his job becomes at risk.

[Milly]

Hope, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this possible nasty interference from the OW (really starting to sound like Basic Instincts now) and the uncertainty of your H's job. This might be a good lesson for your H, though. He might be trying to convince himself that this has nothing to do with OW, but I bet inside there are doubts. Our Hs convince themselves that the OW, who was willing to split up a marriage, is a very nice person. In spite of many times the OW is blatantly not a good person, our Hs ignore it, they don't want to see it. I hope he has an awakening regarding the OW from this experience. I hope it doesn't ruin his career, though.

You are doing amazingly considering the stress you must be feeling. Thank you for continuing to post to show us all how hard it is to have a MLCer come home.

[9393roo]

Hi Hope,

The high drama never ends does it?  I’m getting the same thing here.  Our company is imploding and my H is trying to run back into the tunnel.  I decided to check his email because an employee reached out to me needing something that my H would not get back to her on.  He is traveling to replay town(where original OW was ) and I found emails to another employee who is in her 20’s trying to get her to have dinner with him.  She was trying to get out of it and he was creepily pursuing.  I don’t know how much longer I can stay in this marriage.  I have no respect for him right now.  He is a creepy stranger again.  This was after a really great weekend with the family. 

As KIT said on her thread, I wish I could run far far away this morning.  It almost feels like he is trying to make me run.  It’s too hard to face himself so he is going to dive into the tunnel with both feet.  My son said to me this morning that maybe it was time for me to separate.  He might be right.  I am thinking I may need a lawyer.  It’s weird because I feel very calm about it.  I have been through so much crap the last 4 years and have held on to what I thought we still might have in our marriage.  I think he needs to see me leave.  I think I need to leave for my own sanity.

Puppy is on hold for now until I find my balance again!  I have my MLC pug who has been my constant companion the last 2 years. 

I feel  like I am being tested to my core today.  It may be time for me to make a bigger move.  Staying is like watching a slow moving train ruin my life and our life together for the last 35 years.  It just keeps coming forward and I’m trying to stay ahead of it. 

Sorry such a downer, today MLC can kiss my a$$.