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Author Topic: My Story My third thread: Still living in interesting times

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My Story Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#10: February 11, 2020, 04:59:21 AM
Moon,

My Atomic "I want a divorce" BD was 3rd Advent so "Merry Bah-Freaking-Humbug Christmas"

Yep, they sure can pick the dates....

My BD was two days before Valentine's Day, while she was preparing to model several new pieces of lingerie for me. Something she had never done before in our 13-year marriage.  After the somewhat dispassionate "I've been thinking of getting a divorce," she said "Which one would you like to see on me first?"

I said incredulously "You just said you wanted a divorce!" And she said "So? We're still married right now."

She filed for divorce two days before our 15th wedding anniversary.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#11: February 12, 2020, 02:09:56 AM
My BD was two days before Valentine's Day, while she was preparing to model several new pieces of lingerie for me. Something she had never done before in our 13-year marriage.  After the somewhat dispassionate "I've been thinking of getting a divorce," she said "Which one would you like to see on me first?"

I said incredulously "You just said you wanted a divorce!" And she said "So? We're still married right now."

She filed for divorce two days before our 15th wedding anniversary.

I think this really shows what a disjointed world that the Mid-Lifer lives in when they are in the initial high-energy stage....

I mean, seriously... "I want a divorce but I want to strut my stuff in front of you in sexy undies first" Who, if their elevator really does still go to the top floor, does THAT?

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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Re: My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#12: February 24, 2020, 01:49:56 PM
Thanks all
Yes, it’s not that just the awful timing but the matter of fact way they tell you, like they’ve reached a decision on a new pair of shoes, not the end of your marriage- likes it all perfectly normal, nothing to see here.  And your left standing there in complete shock, feeling like the worst spouse in the world because you must have been missing something massively wrong for so long for them to reach this point. 

Anyway, just a brief update.  Two years since BD2 come and gone, W took the girls away on holiday for a week.  I got messages from D9 most days, and W sent me pics of the girls most days.  Then towards the end of the holiday she texts me about a day trip they’d been on, and how it reminded her of a time when we went to the same place.  We exchanged a few texts and reminisced about some of our best and worst holidays, in particular one awful one in Tunisia before the kids came along.  But she admitted that we ‘had a laugh’ on it tho.  It was the first time in quite some time that I can recall her admitting we had had fun together in our relationship.  Quite different from her view 2 years ago that, once the girls have grown up, we’d have nothing in common.  Maybe a bit of light at the end of the tunnel?
Moon
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#13: February 29, 2020, 03:40:17 PM
Moon

Good update.

Nice to hear her realising things were not as they seemed 2 years ago.  Probably not light at the end more a period of reality. It’s encouraging and much better than before but see it for what it is and continue as you were.

Who knows what will happen. You are going really good and that’s all you can do. Glad you are past the anniversary and now into the third year,

Do you feel stronger? Happier? More content?

How lovely that D9 keeps in touch, you must miss them terribly. It’s so much worse for the LBS fathers that live without their children because of the MLC mothers actions.

Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#14: March 09, 2020, 02:56:30 PM
Hi Rose
I hope you’re keeping well.

Do I feel stronger, more happier?  I’m not sure about that.  More settled maybe.  I still have moments when I think it must be all a bad dream.  I still have too many fond memories and then BANG, I snap back into reality and you realise how bittersweet those memories have become.  Like the words to that Talking Heads song ‘Well, how did I get here?’

The girls do live with me part of the time.  We did agree joint custody, although she does push it.  But they do stay here with me at least 5 nights out of 14, and I usually do the school runs two more days a fortnight so it’s very rare that I go more than a couple of days without seeing them.  Still, as someone who was always a full time dad, even that is quite tough. 

I told W the other day that I was taking the kids to Eurodisney.  I’ve not said anything to the girls yet as I want it to be a surprise (and it may yet get cancelled anyway).  She took it very cooly, but then later invited me round for dinner with her and the girls.  Another example of how odd things are atm.  But I realise that I need to start making memories with my girls.  They say you only have your kids for a short period of time - between when they’re a baby and when they become a moody teenager.  I don’t want to look back at these years and regret wasting them waiting for W to return.  Yes, doing these things as a family would have been great but that option is not available to me at the moment, perhaps it never will be again.  It’s a real shame but they’re only young once, so I feel I have to make the most of being they’re dad while I can. 
Moon
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

T
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#15: April 09, 2020, 05:12:44 PM
Just a spot of venting.  Having thought W and I were getting a bit closer (I was even asked around for lunch this coming Easter Sunday), W phones me today to say she has a cough.  It just so happens it should have been my weekend with my daughters starting today but suddenly she gets a cough, and lo and behold, she’s in self isolation now for 7 days and the girls can’t leave her house.  We FaceTimed together to tell the girls (both cried) and I never heard her cough once!  What can I say or do though, it might be real, but it’s mightily convenient timing (for her). 

So now I face a week or more alone, with only the occasional FaceTime with my daughters. I can’t even give them the Easter eggs and gifts I bought them.   To say I’m sick of all this BS at the moment is a massive understatement.  Now you may say it’s genuine, but frankly the only thing I trust her to do is put herself first and eff everyone else. 
Moon
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#16: April 09, 2020, 11:11:04 PM
Fwiw I think this is one of those high ground moments......
Do MLCers lie? Of course. And is it also possible that your w is concerned and trying to protect you and the kids? Maybe. I understand your disappointment and your suspicion. But why not choose to take the high ground bc this virus is so serious.....what would you do if you believed your wife? Would you be asking how you can help? Dropping off groceries and Easter eggs at the door? Giving her advice about medical stuff? Checking in every day to see if your w is ok? Doing online things with your kids to entertain them? Discussing with your w what you can do if she does get really ill?

Imho you lose nothing by taking the high ground and acting 'as if', you just look like a decent husband and father. The truth tends to come out on its own. If she lied....and you'll know from the kids bc she won't be properly self isolating if it's a lie tbh....let that be her shame to carry. You do the right thing, what you would do to safeguard and support your family in these strange times. Behave 'as if' with go faster stripes and let your w be the one who is embarrassed if it's a lie or feel supported if she is genuinely worried. Take the high ground....you can always do Easter Mk2 on another weekend if it turns out to be a a 'false alarm'.

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H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#17: April 13, 2020, 03:43:05 PM
Many thanks Treasur
I think your absolutely right.  Making any accusations will do no good, and probably do a lot of harm.  I’ve been FaceTiming the girls over the weekend and offered to do some shopping.  I’ve spoken to the girls a few times as I’ve dropped stuff on the doorstep and then stood a couple of metres back.  I have to say though, i’ve not heard W cough once.  She now says the cough only really comes on in the evening.  Convenient that.  And W is now talking about me not getting the girls to the 25th April, which is longer than the two weeks their supposed to self isolate.  I’m putting a brave face on it for now and trying to be supportive but I’m already missing my kids so much.  The next week and a half are going to be quite difficult. 
Stay safe
Moon

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“It matters not how strait the gate,
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I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

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Just a light spot of journaling (I hadn’t realised it had been a month).  Anyway, following W and the girls coming out of self isolation, things have been, well, ok.  As lockdown rules here in the UK allow people out to pass children between separated parents the girls have been going back and forth as normal.  We’ve also had two or three meals together, as a family.  W even agreed to come out for a walk and a picnic with me and the girls over the recent Bank Holiday weekend.  Things were fine between us, and the girls loved it.  I even had a couple of Sunday meals round at W’s (although the first one evolved me agreeing to help put up the hot tub first).

I note W is spending a lot of lockdown redecorating the house.  A lot of the rooms I decorated are being done first.  Not sure whether to read anything into that, but I try not to think about it.  I just enjoy the moments we get to spend time together as a family.  I think, or hope, it’s good for the girls.  That said, D6 asked me recently- presumably on the back of the meals, etc, when I was moving home.  I said I didn’t know.   She then asked W (when W was dropping off some donuts) the same question.  W told her - nicely- that we weren’t moving back together but we’re still friends and would still do stuff together.  Poor D6 burst into tears.  It must be really confusing for her (it’s still confusing for me tbh). We both gave her a hug as she sobbed, but I just wonder whether we’re just sending her mixed signals.  I have to confess, it hurt me a bit when W said what she said, but I found that I got over it quite quickly, which I took as a positive at least. 

Anyway, hope everyone on here is keeping safe, or staying alert, or whatever the latest message is.
Moon.
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

T
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My third thread: Still living in interesting times
#19: July 08, 2020, 03:17:27 PM
Hi.  It’s been a while since I’ve posted.  To be honest lockdown has been pretty quiet.  I hope everyone else has been keeping ok.  I thought though I’d update by posting with some news.  It’s seems W’s brother is now having his own MLC.  His wife messaged me last week to say he’d done a W.  Suddenly, out of the blue announcing he ‘no longer felt it’.  And then this week telling her that it was over, and she should take her rings off as he wasn’t coming back.  She’s shocked and devastated naturally.  As with W this came out of nowhere.  They have four kids together. 

It’s very sad, but it reminded me that way back at the start of W’s MLC, her mother said she thought it would be the brother who had a MLC.  Well, it appears now he has!   Should it be a surprise though?  I’ve read in several places that MLCs may stem from some unresolved family of origin issue, especially where the parents of the MLCer separated during their adolescent years.  W’s and her brother’s parents split while they were around that age, so if one had an MLC I suppose it was always more than likely that both of them would.  Does anyone else have a similar experience of a sibling of their MLCer also having a MLC?   
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“It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul”.

 

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