[The Moon’s a balloon]

Thank you Ready, PJ
I recall reading that, all things being equal, there is only one person that can make you happy or unhappy- and that’s yourself.   And for MLCers, rather than accepting that, they’ve sought to blame someone else for their unhappiness.  Given that the closest person in their lives tends to be the spouse, it’s the spouse that gets the blame - usually for something that was set in motion long before the LBS and MLCer ever met.   I realise that now, this was something that was bound to happen given my W’s family of origin issues.  That her brother has done the same to his marriage only reinforces it.

I’m happy with the knowledge that I was a good husband, and would be again someday - whether to W or someone else.  My only sadness is that it’s come so soon in my daughters lives.  That D7 might not remember much about a time when mummy and daddy we’re together and we’re happy together is heartbreaking.  I only hope that history doesn’t repeat itself when they grow up and find some one. 

Hope you are all keeping well, and 2021 does bring a new phase for us all.
Moon

[rosetintedglasses]

Moon

Can you remind me briefly of W’s brother and what has happened with his marriage.

I find it an interesting part of this puzzle.
(It’s ok if you’d rather not)
Thanks
Rose 🌹

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi Rose
That’s fine.  It’s not painful for me, indeed I’d have to confess in its own way I found it reaffirming that W’s MLC is a MLC.  Same FOO issues, same result.  The MIL said to me at the start she thought it would be the brother not W who would have a MLC. Turns out both have.   

Not much to report.  He turned around one day to his wife, and gave her the old ‘not happy, not been happy for while’ spiel. Unfortunately lockdown has prevented me getting all the gory details but I know he moved out and stayed with W for a while before finding a place of his own.  I know his wife was so angry that she’s already changed her surname back to her maiden name by deedpoll.  She messaged me before Xmas to say she was pretty sure that he wanted them to get back together but that she had already met someone else and had moved on.  I can’t blame her but I didn’t say that it’s probably far too soon for any reconciliation to be meaningful anyway- and she was still clearly as mad as hell with him. 
Moon.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi Moon,

How's life in orbit?

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi UM
Hope you’re keeping well.   Same old, same old, here.  The other week, D7 asks again about why mummy and me broke up.  Before I get chance to answer D10 responds ‘because of all the arguments’. Which surprised me, as W and I never really argued that much (indeed I can remember wondering, after BD but before I discovered MLC, whether the lack of arguments had been one of the problems, that I didn’t take charge enough).  Still, it was interesting to hear what W was still telling our daughters about the brake up, still rewriting the history of the marriage.  I tried to put them right best I could (without letting them have all the details).  D10 thought it quite unfair that W demanded we separate without giving me the chance to do anything about it, to which I could only respond ‘tell me about it’. 

Then just last weekend, W asks me around to help put a mirror up in the hallway.  I go round and dutifully do so, and we manage to share a few jokes.  Yesterday, she tells me about her toothache and asks me to touch her jaw where it’s swelled slightly.  All nice and normal, for a married couple,  but all so bizarre for a separated one .  Par for the course now though.

Anyway, I was meaning to post, so thank you UM for asking after me.  I spotted this below article in the paper.  Nothing to do with MLC, but about 10 year anniversaries.  It reminded me that BD happened barely 4 months after our 10 year anniversary.  We went away for a long weekend to a resort in Spain, just the two of us, for our anniversary.  No mention then of any trouble, or that she wasn’t happy.  The article reminded me of what we should have been looking forward to (kids a bit more independent, more time to ourselves, etc), instead of the wasteland that is MLC.  Such a pity. 

https://www.msn.com/en-gb/lifestyle/family-relationships/why-10-years-of-marriage-is-a-milestone-worth-celebrating-and-not-just-for-royals/ar-BB1g8eTA?ocid=spartan-ntp-feeds

Hope everyone else is keeping ok in these still trying times.  As we come out of lockdown, here’s hoping for better days ahead.
Moon

[FaithWalker]

The rewriting of history is so frustrating, isn't it?

So sorry you and your girls are going through this.

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Hi FaithWalker
Yes, but given W never had any real reason to end the marriage not unsurprising.  Whatever it takes to convince herself she was right I guess. 

Anyway, it was W’s birthday today (8th).  She had the girls for the day, naturally. I sent a card and got the girls some presents for them to give their mum.  I get a thank you text from W mid afternoon, I wish her a happy birthday but get nothing back.  Things seem to have moved from civil to just plain cold now between us.  I found that difficult today, although it’s her birthday.  Maybe I’m not as detached as I thought,  but then the last three or so years still seem so unreal.  I found myself looking at some pictures of my daughters thinking how improbable all this still seemed, but then I looked at some recent pics of W and found myself thinking that this person is a stranger to me. 

D7 asked the other day if she could FaceTime W.  I said no, as she was going to her mum’s in an hour or so anyway.  D7 started to complain but then D10 commented that she does the same at W’s, telling W that she wants to stay with me or phone me.  D10 added that mummy says no, and gets quite upset when D7 asks.  I feel so sorry for D7.  She still longs for me to move back in, and keeps asking both me and W when it will happen.  Heartbreaking is the only word to describe it.   It’s almost 3 and a half years since BD.  I’m thinking it’s less and less likely to happen now.  I can live with that.  It just makes me so sad that D7 will probably never really come to terms with it. 

Moon.

[The Moon’s a balloon]

Just looking for some quick advice on setting boundaries.   

At short notice my two daughters and I were invited to share a holiday lodge for the weekend at a holiday park about 45 mins from here.  The weekend is my weekend with my daughters, so I’m not looking for any more time with them, but the caravan park is where my MLCer took our daughters a couple of weeks ago for a full week. 

I never said anything to my MLCer but our daughters were excited and obviously said something to their mum.  Next thing I know I’m getting texts from her saying how upset she is (that I’m taking them there so soon after they had been), that she wants their memories from their to be ones of time with their mum, that I had been ‘thoughtless’ in agreeing to go, and that she would prefer I didn’t take them there.  She would never take the girls, she says, to any special places I took them to.  I’m taking the girls away for our weekly holiday together a bit later in the summer. 

I apologised and assured her it wasn’t deliberate.  I had had an invite because someone else couldn’t make it and the girls would love showing me around where they had been with their mum, so it wouldn’t affect their ‘memories’.   I also said I would look around to see if there was anywhere else I could take them.   Unsurprisingly, at such short notice, I’ve not been able to find anything affordable. 

So, what do I do?   Should I refuse to go as it upsets by MLCer?   Or should I set a boundary here - which may negative consequences down the line - by making it clear that she doesn’t get final approval on where I take my daughters when it’s my time with them?   I haven’t made the point yet, that her feelings are no longer my priority.  That’s a consequence of her decision to end our marriage.  She can hardly expect me to prioritise her feelings now can she? 

And to be frank, she hasn’t been that bothered about my feelings of late.  She took both daughters to have their ears pierced recently and never asked if I agreed to it.  And the holiday at this holiday site she took them to, they came back on the day of my birthday, so I didn’t have them with me in the morning.  Apparently they could have come back the night before and I know I would have never taken them on holiday near her birthday. 

Grateful for any thoughts?  Am I right to set this boundary? 
Moon

[xyzcf]

 

by making it clear that she doesn’t get final approval on where I take my daughters when it’s my time with them?

Am I right to set this boundary?

You are absolutely right! She cannot tell you where you can take your daughters and the girls can also form "good memories" with you in the same place. Actually it is healthy that they do.

How are they supposed to live a healthy life if anyplace their mom takes them is off limits for you to take them? What message does that give them?

 

that she wants their memories from their to be ones of time with their mum,

This really sounds dysfunctional to me. I enjoy time with our daughter and those times are good because the two of us are together..it doesn't matter where and I am actually glad when her dad pays enough attention to "make time for her at all". Our daughter is an adult but it is still really important to her that she is able to enjoy time spent with both parents.

She doesn't get to tell you what to do, she really doesn't, so go and enjoy yourself!

[Treasur]

Or should I set a boundary here - which may negative consequences down the line - by making it clear that she doesn’t get final approval on where I take my daughters when it’s my time with them?

A Yes from me too.

As long as your kids are not at risk, it is simply not her business what you do with them. It is silly to think otherwise in the circumstances.
And please don’t let your fear of her reaction influence you. Don’t discuss it anymore....just take your kids away and have a good time. Live your boundaries rather than discuss them. You’ve heard her out, that’s good enough. (And i’m sure you notice that all her reasons why not are entirely about her....and her feelings are no longer your responsibility to prioritise, are they?)