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Author Topic: My Story Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy

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My Story Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#60: December 11, 2020, 03:07:39 PM
Hello,

I am really glad you are doing well and your thoughts, feelings, and actions are positive.

Its nice to be wanted, to be appreciated,  to have a true friend. 

After all you have been through, you are going to have a truly special holiday!

(((((Ready)))))
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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#61: December 11, 2020, 08:34:52 PM
Hey Alvin!!

Good to see you  8)

Following along (as always)  ;D

-SS
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Together 25 years, M 22
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BD - 27th April 2019

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#62: February 15, 2021, 08:31:23 AM
Time for a bit of journaling...

End of 2020 was one big joyride of ups and downs, but I've been following one of the important lessons learned during divorce: there are things you control and things you don't.  Don't resist the change on things you cannot control, but instead embrace the change and ride the wave on things you do control.  And it's brought number of good things into my life. 

I lost my flat.  Ouch... The good news is that I found a new one somewhat immediately.  The cost of two moves within a year is more than enough to make me grind my teeth.    But a bigger flat (with separate room for the kids) with MUCH better view (I can watch the sunrise over ocean every morning)...  I'm lost for words for what I got.

I lost my job (thanks to COVID).  Ouch.... The good news is that losing my job allowed me to focus on making the move on such fast pace. And it allowed me to fall back to running  my own business (once again) full time. It may mean bit less money short term, but OTOH I have no doubts I would not make it financially.

And last but not least.... ms.H moved in with me to our new home.....  Or as the romans would say Alea iacta est ("the die is cast").  I think PJ wrote it so well in his story
But opening the door to her means closing the door to xw. This shouldn't really be so hard. I mean, she divorced me a year and half ago, has shown no signs of wanting me back and I'm 5 years post-BD. But it does still feel sad and kind of weird to abandon the last thread of hope for reconciliation. Up until this Fall, I probably would have taken xw back if she would have had some road-to-Damascus moment. Even if I was dating someone, the door to my xw was open from my side. But I'm making my own choices and I've chosen to close the door on my side.

XW did have her chance of working for our marriage.... but she chose not to. And now I have made the decision to embrace another kind of future.  Where this road leads me into time will tell.   

Alvin.
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« Last Edit: February 15, 2021, 08:42:07 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#63: February 15, 2021, 09:03:47 AM
Hey Alvin!!

Wow, a whole world of change.  :)

You sound really good, happy for ya man!!

-SS
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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#64: February 15, 2021, 05:07:03 PM
Hello,

Quote
I lost my flat.  Ouch... The good news is that I found a new one somewhat immediately.  The cost of two moves within a year is more than enough to make me grind my teeth.    But a bigger flat (with separate room for the kids) with MUCH better view (I can watch the sunrise over ocean every morning)...  I'm lost for words for what I got.

Well, I would have you beat as I get to watch the Disneyland fireworks every night, but unfortunately Covid has closed it down since last March. Honestly, the fireworks are not even close.  View of the ocean is awesome, I'm just jealous, that's all. LOL

Quote
And last but not least.... ms.H moved in with me to our new home..... 

Nice, I only hope the best for you two as a couple.

Keep moving forward,

((((Ready)))))
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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#65: February 15, 2021, 05:58:57 PM
Dude! Congrats. What a roller coaster of a year. I hope you're able to take some time to reflect on things and process all the changes. Even positive changes are stressful.

Hope all goes well with Ms. H.

Insanely jealous of your new place. Especially as I'm looking out at the frozen tundra of Northern Siberia. I mean the Midwest. If things don't work out with Ms. H, can I move in with you? j/k

To life!
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27. Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA  |  BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019 | OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019 | Divorce final - September 2019 | Moving on

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11537.new#new

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#66: February 16, 2021, 07:17:13 AM
Thanks guys.   The view from my window is really awesome (frozen as I live way up north - but still quite amazing).

Standing did sent me a PM asking one very essential question  "Total life change, amazing. Any thoughts looking back at it all?"

Well.... Lots of thoughts. There's been so many changes that I will likely keep pondering them for the next 3-6 months.

For starters a new relationship gives the possibility to (re-)review what was good/bad in previous relationship because of my own behaviour.   A new relationship is always a new relationships, but there also some 'same old' situations and patterns (part of everyday life, sharing homechores etc). I can much more easily see "that behaviour was because of me" and "that behaviour was because of XW" because there is now a totally new player on the field who plays differently.  This moment is a good possibility to breathe for a while and ponder whether or not some things that previously escaped my radar are worth keeping or changing. 

This sitch also raises the possibility to review the quality of previous relationship in new light.... All in all I would say that my relationship with XW was not  a bad one.  Sure it did have some issues, but I do believe that every interpersonal relationship always has got some room for improvement.  No doubt I was very happy with XW before BD, but apparently she was not feeling the same way.  And thus I crashed high and fast when she droppend the bomb.... Maybe, just maybe, if I had been way less anxious straight after BD (easier said than done), allowed XW to keep doing what her heart desired, then  our story might have followed another kind of path. But that ship has sailed off long time since.

I've had lots of deep talks with ms.H.  Her personal history reflects the path of MLCr recovered to extend that at times I do silently ponder whether or not she's been through MLC or MLT despite her young age. She had very troubled childhood  and she did run away from it in ways I could not have even imagine. Keeping it all within her, hidden, until a major crisis at her workplace pushed her deep into her personal crisis when she hit thirty.  This was followed by years of withdrawal during which her then fiancee did cheat and run off,  pushing her further into abyss with heavy drinking, failed relationships (broken attracts broken) etc. All of that took 8 long years of her life to progress (and the change started within herself as she hit the bottom- she started reading proper books, going into therapy etc), and only for the last two years she's been "okey" and rebuilding her life one piece at a time... What can one say, life happens to all of us, and each of has got unique ability to deal with the $h!te hitting the fan.

The quote (by PJ) I shared few posts up highlights one important demon .... Ms. H was (and to some extend still is) feeling fear that XW would recover, apologize and I would run back into her arms. Maybe she does recognize some of her own story of what I've told about XW (they are very much alike in number of ways). For myself the fact that we moved in together was closing that door.  I have chosen ms.H as my partner and will stick to that choice unless she otherwise decides some day.  Sure,  It is hard to let go and move on over something that was for decades and something you fought hard for. But I (as well as ms.H) do give myself the chance to both mourn/grief and rejoice of what was.   Both of us have got a past life, and it is okey to talk about it, and feel over it. ... I've talked with XW a couple of times in recent months.  Strictly official business where she's said "everything is okey" (for example her sister bought her brand new car so she can drive the kids hereAndThere etc)...  One night I phoned to S5 and XW had been reading a bedtime story to him. Throughout the whole talk she kept there,  holding S5 on her lap, silent, her eyes closed.  Maybe she felt tired and was resting; maybe she was listening to my voice and thinking what could have been. IDK but it left me pondering. Anyway, I wished both of them (and other kids) a good night...   And during Valentine's I did send a shared (very neutral) greeting to kids and XW, and she replied with more traditional heart-greeting to all of us....   All in all my only remaining goal with XW is to create working human relationship (preferrably friendly-one) with mother of my children.  But it is a long road ahead.

Likely I am forgetting a lot of things, but these were on top of the list right now.

Alvin.
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Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#67: February 23, 2021, 01:06:27 AM
Possibly bit off-topic, but here's a study that caught my radar through local news:

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-09-27/parents-of-teenage-daughters-more-likely-to-divorce-study/8992744
In nutshell.... Parents of teenage daughters are more likely to divorce. They studied more than 2 million marriages in the Netherlands over 10 years.  The key finding is that parents with teenage daughters face 5 per cent higher risks of divorce than parents with teenage sons, and the effect peaks at age 15, when the risk faced by parents with daughters is almost 10 per cent higher than the risk faced by parents with sons.

A local family researcher pushed this into local news by proposing a thesis (and I apologize for poor translation of this)...   "Teenage years are rough for many parents, and dealing with teenage daughter is especially rough for mother. We know that females often times (70-80%) initiate the divorce process, so maybe these two are connected.  When children enter teenage years,  many parents are often times are in middle of so called midlife crisis that makes them evaluate their choises and life so far in  a way that may influence decision to file for divorce".

To be honest... I never thought that sex of a child could contribute into divorce or crisis....  The way human mind works is really :o

Other stuff... I'm now officially two years from BD.... To large degree this feels like I have felt a year or two after a person I have cared for has passed away. I know it is the anniversary, and I feel fading faint echoes of grief. But I'm good the way I am. And life's good.  There is lots to be grateful. 

Alvin
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« Last Edit: February 23, 2021, 01:14:47 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD ("I don't love you"): Feb 2019, 
BD2 ("I don't want to fix this marriage."... D filed May 2020
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** You're not going to master the rest of your life in one day. So relax. Master the present day. Then just keep doing that every day. ***
*** Without trust fear is the only possibility. Place your trust in your own wings. ***

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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#68: February 23, 2021, 03:58:36 PM
"Teenage years are rough for many parents, and dealing with teenage daughter is especially rough for mother. We know that females often times (70-80%) initiate the divorce process, so maybe these two are connected.  When children enter teenage years,  many parents are often times are in middle of so called midlife crisis that makes them evaluate their choises and life so far in  a way that may influence decision to file for divorce".

It was interesting, but this really is anecdotal regarding teenage daughters being "rough on the mother" (had a teenage daughter, not remotely rough on me) and the part about females more often initiating the divorce may only have to do with being forced into initiating the divorce for their own health or safety. How many MLC men do we have here who gaslighted, lied, cheated, etc and never filed for divorce? The average woman would file for divorce if she were cheated on. (People here are not the average) IMO, trying to connect those two has no basis in facts at all. Kind of a weird extrapolation.
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Alvin's 8th: I'm the Bad Guy
#69: February 24, 2021, 09:24:25 AM
That's an interesting suggestion.... "Teenage girls are especially difficult on mothers".
Is this right? Why?

I know 1st hand it can be difficult with teenage sons and fathers, but I haven't seen the opposite side of the coin.
The sons and fathers is easy to explain and understand....... young men becoming independent as young men do and fathers remaining dominant in their castle. The sons grow and leave, which is the natural way of things.

What is this dynamic with moms and daughters? I haven't witnessed this, very interesting idea.

The 80% of divorces being filed by women however is spot on, and not something which is talked about in detail. I don't (personally) believe this is just due to "women file when they are cheated on". I would actually think that men would be much more likely to file when cheated on. Maybe I could believe that hurting the children by abandonment would motivate a larger percentage of women to file, but that doesn't come close to explaining the filing numbers.
What I have noticed is that women are much more likely to file when they stray (MLC or not), and men are more likely to not file when they stray (MLC or not). To me, this is a much more likely explanation for the disparity of filing percentages. If 50% of 1st marriages end in D........ and of those total D's around 80% are women and 20% are men....... and we know that upward of 50% of spouses cheat at some point in the M....... and women are very likely to file when they find someone else but men don't...... we're really darn close to explaining the bulk of filings. The rest can be chalked up to abuse or whatever other reason people D.

This aspect of moms and daughters is very curious to me in the area of MLC. I see this in my MLC'er. How much is passed from one generation to another via damage? How much is learned behavior? People make fun of "Mommy and Daddy issues" but it's a real thing (sadly).

Very interesting topic.

-SS 

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