[MadLuv]

Dragonfly/Pacman- Right? I told him that I can say I want you to be happy, because your the one leaving becauae your unhappy, but do not ever tell me you want me to be happy, because you are are the one doing everything to make it impossible . SNAP moment 😂

Remember some more

When I look at you all I see are my failures
I’m the worst person I know

[Thunder]

Torn now THAT is the proper way to deliver a "truth dart!"   

[MadLuv]

It was a good moment and he never says that anymore to me!! 😂😂

[Nas]

I don't want to be a killjoy, but doesn't telling an MLCer "you're making my happiness impossible" not only sound guilt-inducing (giving credence to their "My spouse will never forgive/get over this") and give them power over you/your happiness, but also infer that other people can affect your happiness, which reinforces their extremely misguided belief that the spouse makes them "unhappy" and the AP makes them "happy"?

When they say "I want you to be happy" it's as empty a phrase as saying "pardon me" to a complete stranger you accidentally ever so slightly bump against on the subway - actually, even emptier. It's a statement void of anything genuine whatsoever. I wouldn't even acknowledge it in any way. When the LBS gets to a point where they exude genuine contentment with life regardless of where the MLCer is, that's to me the real dart.

[Dragonfly33]

Good point NAS. I think what Tornup is trying to say is that her husband actions have made her unhappy because it hurts her. Of course, we are responsible for our own happiness. But it is also true for me personally, that my H‘s behavior have contributed to my unhappiness. Do I even make sense ? Lol

[Nas]

Do I even make sense ? Lol

Yes, makes total sense. "Unhappy" doesn't even begin to describe how we all feel after BD.

I guess I'm making a few points. 1) Not all statements from the MLCer require a response/retort. In fact, most don't. Often not responding at all conveys much more, and leaves much less room for confusion. The MLCer can't twist words that are not spoken (though even then, some do sometimes try  .)

But I'm also saying 2) we are unhappy with their actions (and hurt, devastated, frightened, anxious, confused, the list goes on) but they're our feelings. That's the part where removing codependent beliefs comes in for us. We own our feelings: we own responsibility for identifying what we're feeling and why, and then we consequently get to own the pride of sorting through them and continuing to live and going on to experience good things in life.

Everything we say about the MLCer, the inverse is true for us. The MLCer blames the spouse for their unhappiness and leaves, and we know their unhappiness was not our fault. So we have to also flip that around and say the MLCer causes us pain that we have to work through, but whether we feel happy or unhappy throughout the remainder of our lives is not on the MLCer, it's on us. After the initial "event" that is BD, we, being individual people with agency and free will, get to choose how to proceed, hopefully by taking our eyes off the MLCer, working through the pain and then deciding on a path forward, whether that includes (includes, as part of a full life) standing for a while, standing forever, or moving on. Deciding to carry the pain around with us for years/decades would be our choice, not the person who hurt us.

I'm not trying to diminish the pain that this causes at all. I never imagined in a million years that my former H could do the things he's done, and I'll never "forget" it - my particularly "special" brand of ex-spouse made choices and took actions that infected every part of my life, some of it virtually insurmountable. No matter what happens next, a part of me will always be affected by what he did, but not in an active way where I'm present-tense "in pain." And I recognize that I'm past the 5 year mark so this may not ring true right now for some, but eventually, it will. It takes a while to get to where you're not hurting in the present tense, but it does come. (And admittedly, I do still actively hurt to varying degrees and it's my own pain - not something being applied to me but something I'm feeling - that I have to confront and work through, which can be hard still sometimes.)

Anyway, apologies for the total sidebar - back to the actual purpose of this thread, which is to share (often common/scarily similar) script statements/WTF moments.

[MadLuv]

It was early on. Right st BD actually. Very beginning when he said he was leaving.  It was a massive trigger. I felt by setting that right at the beginning it let him know What would cause me an issue and him. IMHO. He remembered and never said it again. I didn’t feel he frankly had a right to wish me happiness. Like he was making that happen. By my statement I was saying you are not creating my happiness. Dont wish me it. From here out if I am happy it wont be due to your actions, but my own!!

[OffRoad]

We don't live in bubbles where nothing around us affects us. Do we own our own feelings? Sure. But when someone beats me with a baseball bat, I also own those bruises. I cannot will them away, they have to heal over time, just like emotional bruises do. So taking someone to task with words for verbal abuse is perfectly valid. Letting them slide by allowing them to say stupid things (like "I want you to be happy" when they are cheating and how on Earth could that make any spouse "happy"?) does no one any favors, IMO.  Unless they mean "I want you to be happy and I am being a total jackhole to you so I'm going to leave.", then they are not being honest with themselves. If they cared about your (the generic "your") happiness, they would not cheat, lie to you, lie about you, steal, and abandon. JMO. Stuffing your feelings and your opinion is not necessarily a good thing. Also JMO.

[MadLuv]

Agreed! It was a statement to relieve his guilt while walking out the door. No, you want to leave to be happy. Fine. Don’t tell me while your taking my options away on working on the marriage that you want me to be happy. If that was the case dont cheat, tell me whats wrong. Start communication, because when you leave with never telling your spouse there was a problem and not be willing to work on it after 30 years then there is nothing in that screaming I want you to be happy ! That my H is just another gut punch.

[Thunder]

This makes a case for sites like HS.  Support groups that can help people who are grieving the loss of a loved one.  Not people who are trying to cheer the griever up, but people who are understanding what these people are going through and just being there for them.  Let them grieve.  Grieving can take a very long time, so to tell them to just get on with their life is not helpful.  They are not capable yet.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm