[John T]

Thank you ready a nice uplifting reply.
No matter what happens I've now got the inner strength to carry on ,it's in part due to the unending support I've received.

[Kimber]

The MLCer decides to raze the entire house and start from scratch.

Difference being, the new one they put up has an even bigger crack in the foundation, same leaky roof and same lack of attention to the squared corners.

It's just gonna take a little while to notice, what with the new wood floors and fancy front door.

[John T]

I went around to my mlc wife's  house to get her vintage moped going . We got into a chat and I said she'd part exchanged me for someone else she wouldn't answer at first but said well not really it was crushing her to admit what has happened in the last 18 months
She admitted she's had/having an mlc the perimenopause stage has lead to her depression this all came out without me saying anything. I could sense massive regrets in her tone and body language.

She has made my granddaughter some booties ,and me some sunglasses bags

[Disillusioned]

My STBXW placed a lot of blame early on after BD on menopause.  She certainly was experiencing perimenopausal symptoms for several years after the birth of our daughter.

I posted an article from Oprah Winfrey a year or two ago about female MLC and there was a section about menopause in that article, as well.

It's a possible contributing factor, but I think many women without FOO issues can go through menopause without going off the rails.  Character and integrity are far more important than hormonal changes, IMO.

[marvin4242]

My STBXW placed a lot of blame early on after BD on menopause.  She certainly was experiencing perimenopausal symptoms for several years after the birth of our daughter.

I posted an article from Oprah Winfrey a year or two ago about female MLC and there was a section about menopause in that article, as well.

It's a possible contributing factor, but I think many women without FOO issues can go through menopause without going off the rails.  Character and integrity are far more important than hormonal changes, IMO.

I in no way intend to "defend" MLCers and their actions. We all know how they are selfish, incorrect, harmful and wrong in so many ways. But I do have to take issue with the idea that is it about "character" and "integrity." I am not talking about all MLCers, as it has been said many times there are people who become a**holes when MLC hits, and there are a**holes who have MLC. There is no one single answer. But assuming the person was NOT a narcissist, did have value systems and acted with care and compassion for others before MLC then I have to say its not about integrity and characters. In my opinion MLC in these cases is a major psychological event. I don't mean a singular diagnosis or disease. Rather something that they have been papering over, working around, hiding, and even pretending is not there comes to a crises and they tend to have a fracture. The most visible element is the pain, the anger, the lack of empathy and the memory issues. They also tend to spend a lot of their time in a form of dissociative state (shark eyes, confusion, lack of caring). I do not believe that this would be avoided by saying if they have more character or integrity it would not happened. And yes, hormonal changes and maybe even depression of life events may accelerate this process but I do not believe it can cause it.

However if you spouse is not actually having a crises, if they are simply walk away, were tired of the relationship, or had to integrity and compassion and just were faking it then yes, character and integrity defines it well. But then in my world they are not having what we call "MLC" here.

And I'll emphasize NONE of this to me absolves them of the responsibility for the damage they do to their families and others. I for one believe the LBS needs to detach, protect themselves and their families emotionally and financially immediately, whether they want to stand or not. And hold their MLCers fully responsible for their actions. Both for their own sake and for the sake of MLCers. Because it is not a kindness to try to "protect" them from what is happening, you can only protect yourself.

[John T]

So a little update my w is emailing me frequently and talking about things we would have talked about as a couple . She making a quilt for my granddaughter her choice to make it , I got a heavy cold she bought medicine and a golf magazine around despite me saying I was fine .

I've recently started looking at myself again and starting to look at how I handle stress.

[John T]

Well all contact has stopped rather suddenly with no apparent reason.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

When a person is in a state of emotional reactions and emotional upheavals expect the unexpected. Just keep moving forward and focus on you and your actions. Then the randomness of your w won't impact you as deeply.

Enjoy your day,

((((Ready))))

[John T]

Thanks Ready  your words help me steer a steady course.

[OffRoad]

It's been said on other threads, and in my case at least was true, that there is no point in trying to second guess what your MLCER is doing. Anything we think of is what WE would be thinking or doing. It could be accurate or not.

If we have taken monkey braining about other people out of our situation, then we are left with ourselves. What works for you when you are stressed? What doesn't? Are you one to bury your head in the sand and hope it passes, meet something head on, or somewhere down the middle?  How do you want to live YOUR life, knowing that at this time you cannot depend on your wife for anything, but also knowing she may pop up from time to time? Do you want to set some boundaries around what you will allow for your own sanity?

A lot of times, people think they are just going with the flow and don't realize that what is good for them might be being trampled on including trampling on one's self. Example from other stories I have read over the years at various places :waiting for phone calls from the mlcer instead of going out with a friend. Letting the mlcer insult, yell, devalue you because they are "unwell" or you are afraid you will "push them away" (call people on bad behavior or they will keep doing it. Calling people on bad behavior does not have to be harsh, either.). Trying to be "the nice guy" and losing what you deserve or legally should have. Placing any importance on mlcer small talk, other than it keeps communication open. Letting your enjoyment of life slip away while waiting for the mlcer to decide what they are going to do.

Getting derailed from time to time does allow us to stop and think before getting back on the track. When you think about YOU and what you need, there can only be an upside, imo.