[marvin4242]

I've finally got to a place in my life where I don't see reconciliation as the ' be all and end all ' I no longer analyse every word and action , it's taken a huge amount of time and emotional pain to arrive here . I'm no longer waiting at the platform for the MLC train my wife is riding to arrive , I'm now sitting in a station cafe drinking a coffee and watching the world go by and thinking about me and my future .

When you get here you'll understand .  all we can do is detach and be there as a lighthouse should we called upon , but not to the detriment of ourselves .

Wow you sound like you are finding your footing and are in a good place. I am so glad for you. No matter how awful this experience its a good reminder that we can find a place for ourselves away from the disorder. Wishing you continued peace in this new year.

[MadLuv]

Great to hear an update John T- I feel the same. It is a much better place to be. Enjoy your coffee and what the future brings to you.

[FaithWalker]

When you get here you'll understand .  all we can do is detach and be there as a lighthouse should we called upon , but not to the detriment of ourselves .

Nodding along

[John T]

Hello all
I'm still here I've come to realise there's a tunnel I'm going through at the same time as her , I now see how easy it is to misunderstand what's going on during an MLC , jump to conclusions try to put everything in neat boxes when the truth is that its like trying to heard cats .
Time is the real tool we have on our side , other people's opinions can help us see things but we must form our own opinions  to move forward.  Calmness is a great unseen comfort that's not to be taken lightly.   

I've stepped away from motorbikes in favour of golf ( I'm rubbish at it but laugh ) I now listen to audio books on my drives to the sites I'm working at, instead of analysing what's gone on with my MLC wife.  She's reconnected with my daughter ( not  blood relative)and enjoys making clothes for my granddaughter which I'm pleased with . Her contact with me is quite frequent and she's telling me about her life increasingly , I just listen and reply accordingly

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I'm still here I've come to realise there's a tunnel I'm going through at the same time as her ,

It is often stated here that there are always two journeys- the journey of the MLCer and the journey of the LBSer. In fact this site doesn't really chronicle the journey of the MLCer as very few document or journey their story as they attempt to blow up their lives and create a new identity. Instead, the forum really documents your journey to recovery and moving forward with or without your spouse.

I would venture that you are not in a tunnel as you are not focused on the light at the end nor are you trapped in darkness desperately trying to find a way out. Instead, your journey has been purposeful and meaningful as you work on becoming.

Calmness is a great unseen comfort that's not to be taken lightly.

Absolutely true. I even often have to remind myself when I am in a hurricane, to seek the eye. Keeping yourself centered and grounded not only helps you with healing, it helps you deal with many things that come your way.

Her contact with me is quite frequent and she's telling me about her life increasingly , I just listen and reply accordingly

Good and I wish I had your mindset of just listening and responding. I was too emotional and did not respond well. Looking back, I was more clinging in my responses and that doesn't make things better- it made things worse. You sound much stronger and even. You sound like you can live with or without her and either way, you will be just fine. It's a great mindset. Continue to think of your growth and progress as a sense of always becoming. That there is always room for growth and determining your next steps.

You are a great inspiration and you have traveled far in your journey.

Have an awesome day,

((((Ready))))

[John T]

Thank you ' Ready ' (well every one who takes the time comment)for your kind but honest words they are really important to me , as I sometimes get left in a haze of confusion , my tunnel analogy could well be wrong ,but with each passing interaction with her I get more clarity and look back to my mistakes at the start of this .

I've taken the lesson of not being ' needy and clingy ' and to a degree not reverted to type ,to help cope with this process , im really glad i found this support site so early on otherwise I'd have made many mistakes.

[Standing Strong]

Excellent!!! Right on JT 

I'm so glad things are calmed down, and she's moving. Good, good, good.

No pressure, but you know that now.

Very nice update.

-SS

[UrsaMajor]

Thank you ' Ready ' (well every one who takes the time comment)for your kind but honest words they are really important to me , as I sometimes get left in a haze of confusion , my tunnel analogy could well be wrong ,but with each passing interaction with her I get more clarity and look back to my mistakes at the start of this .

I've taken the lesson of not being ' needy and clingy ' and to a degree not reverted to type ,to help cope with this process , im really glad i found this support site so early on otherwise I'd have made many mistakes.

I know that I didn't stumble on HS until I was already 5 months after ABD and, when I look back, if there was a check-list for actions "Do NOT do this" I checked off every single one of the boxes as "Did it - didn't work." Now, 7 years later, I look at the mess the MLCxW has in her life and see that this was her choice and the mess is the result (consequences) of her actions. Unfortunately, those consequences have affected and are still affecting our kids negatively as they have a somewhat less than stellar role model in MLCxW for taking responsibility and pushing through the difficult times instead of rolling over and being a victim.  Now though, MLCxW has to find other perpetrators because I'm no longer available as the source of her misery....

So, in that vein, you are doing much better at this point in time than I was at the same point after BD.... Keep it up!

[MadLuv]

I also didnt find this site until 8 mths after BD and made many many mistakes yhr first year. I look at it now as just how it has to play out. As they are compelled to leave we are compelled on out handling of it. All the words and advice some times only hit after you have went against the grain and learned from your own actions. Then somehow that advice comes back as a truth dart of our own. In the end we really cant apologize for how we handle the damage they inflict on us, but we do learn and grow. You are are starting out much better than I.

[John T]

I think the reason for my understanding of MLC is lots of reaseaching and following the advice given which felt wrong but is proving to be correct .

Thanks to all of you for the continued support