[Thundarr]

Greetings and Salutations all.

This month will mark 11 years since BD and 12 or more since XW's symptoms first started.  Since then it's been a journey of very high highs and very low lows but I can now foresee the point where the family that was will truly be gone.  Things are great with XW despite the fact that she still lives with her loser boyfriend and claims to be "happier than she's ever been" but we did have a heated exchange a couple weeks ago wherein I loosed the cannons and shot truth missiles at her after she refused to take our son to the eye doctor due to having to pay a co-pay.  We both got a lot off our chests and were fine afterward, and I credit myself with being very matter-of-fact and not judgmental or accusatory but rather pointing out uncomfortable facts.  She did admit to having made terrible financial decisions such as taking on a car payment that's equal to what she brings home in a given week along with other poor choices and was surprisingly candid and honest with me, but also did make a point to bring up things from our marriage and blame me for abandoning me and the kids.  Her journey is her own though and I'm glad I'm not on it anymore.  She did to to our son's orchestra concert last Sunday and sat with us, then went out to eat "as a family" without any conflict and even had some nice conversations so that's good.  Realistically I can't see things ever being any better.

As for me, I'm still single and have been hitting the dating scene but my heart's not in it.  There are two women I've gone out with who are definitely interested in me but I'm not in them and I wonder if that's my destiny.  The one I've gone out with and hit it off with lives in another state about an hour away and indicated this past weekend that this and her work demands (she's a Chief Accountant) make it hard to impossible to have a relationship with anyone who doesn't live close so that's probably over.  I'm not going to get into anything with anyone and fee like I've settled or just got into a relationship just to be in one.  And I have enjoyed the single life over the past year but grow tired of it and would rather be in a relationship with someone.

The kids are doing phenomenal and S17 is being offered a full ride scholarship to a local private college for band.  The college is very respected and established but he wants to go to the state university where his friends are going even though they are not offering him close to a full ride (yet, at least) so I told him if he rejects the full ride he will be responsible for paying the difference at the university.  Tough love, lol.  D21 will also be joining him at the university and is being offered scholarships but not quite sure how much yet.  I anticipate D21 moving out in January and S17 next summer.  This has been hitting me very hard as I will be alone for the first time ever other than a month when XW and I separated in 1993.  I can't imagine the house being empty and not hearing their conversations down the hall anymore, or having someone to go to the grocery or shopping with me (teens are easily bribed with food, lol).  I never had to come home to an empty house on a regular basis since they've almost never spent the night with XW so it's alien to me.  I don't want to say I fear being alone but I dread it like the plague.  I could always bury myself into work and take on more on-call shifts which would boost my income, or get into working out regular to tie up some free time, but that would still leave me waking up alone every morning. 

While I'm super happy for the kiddos and grandson who is also doing amazingly well, I'm becoming very depressed about my own future. If I had a partner then empty nesting would still be hard but we could look to travel or have that extra time to ourselves.  As it stands, I will have a ton of alone time unless I force myself to go out and be social and that gets old quickly.  This may well be the first time I've felt the pain of the family breaking up and also may be the first time it was real as the younger two have always lived with me.  My house will be like a tomb and my memories will be all I have left.  I don't aspire to climb any higher in my career or go back to school or take on any new hobbies so I don't know what I'll do.  Of course I worry whether this is how MLC's start but I have no desire to run from my responsibilities and would not if I did.  I remind myself that none of us know what's going to happen even five minutes from now, and that no one who ever met the love of their life knew they were going to the day before, but as it stands my future looks very bleak indeed and I can't get that feeling out of the back of my head even when enjoying myself.  Time will tell if any of my worries come to pass or if I actually enjoy what comes when it does.  But, for now......

Peace to you all.

[MadLuv]

Wow, what an update Thundarr. 12 years…. Having smaller children helped fill your life, but wow what you xw missed on never having them full time or sounds like not really part time either. My children are grown, but adult s29 lives with me. Sometimes I feel if he moves on it may make it easier for me to date in the future. I am older ( getting ready to turn 60 in a couple months) and that makes it even more scarier. I am with you however. I am not looking . It would have to hit me organically.

I feel the hero spouse needs to have meet up groups just for us that are int eh same area to go do things. Who understands us more than each other. Last most of us need is another relationship, but friends to eat or socialize that have been when we have would be a pretty good thing

Thanks for the update. Glad you were able to throw some much needed truth darts out there. Hope some stuck after all this time

[PJ Ames]

Thanks for the update Thundarr.  I really feel your pain with the kids moving out.

My kids stayed with me for a year after xw moved out. They moved out about the same time - my son and his wife bought a house and my daughter went off to grad school. Having the kids at home gave me a family at home and a sense of normalcy. When they were gone, I had a big empty house full of painful memories. Driving my daughter to college and driving home alone was one of the loneliest days of my life. I definitely missed the family more than I missed the xw. We'll always be parents no matter how old our kids are, but it's not the same when they're grown-ups (nor should it be!)

Right now is a season of grief, but I don't think your future is bleak at all. I think once you figure out what you want from the rest of your life you'll come up with a plan and make it happen.

I'm glad your kids are doing so well.

[forthetrees]

Bleak is you´ve got a terminal illness or a serious chronic illness or you´ve lost your job or are being sent to prison or have had your house foreclosed. Your future is NOT bleak. Jeesh. When you stop growing you stagnate- think of water. What is keeping you from pursuing new interests? Why not travel solo or travel in a group tour? Solitude does not equal loneliness.

Congrats on S getting a full ride scholarship - all that band time has paid off. Maybe if you show him how the compounding of money works he will opt for the full ride instead of having to work to be with his buddies.

Perspective counts- now you get a lot of "me time". This is your reward for having done the lion´s share of the child rearing. Maybe a gratitude journal would help you get over the feeling of doom and gloom. Check out the local Meet Up in your area- not for dating but for hobbies and interests.

[Thundarr]

Thank you MadLuv, PJ and FTT.  It’s great to meet you, PJ and ML and always great to hear from you FTT! 

I have thought about activities I want to do such as home remodels and having more time to do things I want to do, plus it will be nice to have someone over and have the house to ourselves for once.  Having the kids live with me full time has made dating challenging at times.  I also have several friends and my best friend who is also a single guy lives next door so options are there.  It’s just that for the past almost 30 years I’ve had kids living with me and derive great joy from spending time with them and just listening to them interact.  It never occurred to me until S17 got the college invite that those days are numbered.

I’ll still keep their rooms for them to stay here on the weekends and during breaks but S17 says he will be so busy he will probably only be home once a month.   Not sure about D21 but she may be home more often.  Of course that’s not counting if they get significant others there plus jobs which may make them less inclined to come home.  Luckily the college is only 45 minutes away so I could always visit them.  I guess my biggest concern is whether they will still want me in their lives at all after they no longer need me, and the train of thought of “no longer needed —-> no longer wanted —-> no longer welcome”  is heart-breaking to me.  It’s likely that comes from both XW’s abandonment and maybe to a lesser degree my failed engagement a couple years ago.  Toxic thinking, for sure, but having loved ones cut you out of their lives affects a person.

[OldPilot]

I’ll still keep their rooms for them to stay here on the weekends and during breaks but S17 says he will be so busy he will probably only be home once a month. 

Just wait until your kids start keeping a room for you in their house.

Sooner than you think.

[OffRoad]

You never know what life will bring you. Just as I was settling in to being alone and doing my own thing when I wanted, my D asked if she could move back to save money for a house of her own. Of course I said yes, and now my house is complete chaos again. It's been great, though. Turns out we are great roommates. 

As a thought, just take each day as it comes instead of worrying about what the future might be. Seems like we plan for options a through p and we end up with option z anyway.

[xyzcf]

Just wait until your kids start keeping a room for you in their house.

I have been totally on my own for 13 years.  Right now, I am in Florida with my daughter, SIL and his mother for Mother’s Day. During COVID, I did not see any of my family for 17 months.
We plan ahead so I always pretty well know the next time I shall see them. We plan fun things. Tonight my daughter loves mini golf so we’ll head out to do that .
Perhaps work on these feelings that you think your kids “ will not want to be with you when they do not “need” you anymore”. If your relationship with them is healthy, they are not going to abandon you.
Yes we have history with one person who did that but there is a whole wide world of terrific and loyal people who will not do that.
Do not let this one experience prevent you from living.
Life changes. Nothing stays the same. Accept that and you may be surprised at how feeing that is.

[Thundarr]

Thanks OP, OR and X and it's great to hear from you all again!

My relationship with my kids is healthy and very strong at the moment but I know that with S17 graduating next year and them moving out the dynamics will change as their lives do.  I haven't mentioned it but I'm also dealing with my elderly mother having dementia and the fear that each time I see her she will no longer remember who I am, so the abandonment trigger is there as well.  In the case of my kids I've recently been wondering whether seeing how my ex-fiancee's relationship with some of her kids was such that they moved out soon after graduation and how she went over three years between seeing two of them and had a third only contact her once in the year he moved out and that was when he came by asking for money.  I know her case is much different and how her alcoholism is likely a factor in her relationship with them but I've also recently had other friends mention that their kids only checked in every several weeks or even months after moving out and that's scary.  I guess at this point the only thing to do is enjoy the time they're home and try to reinforce those relationships as much as possible.

[Thundarr]

Yesterday was the 11-year anniversary of my BD and I spent the evening at my son's last band concert of the year sitting with D21 and XW.  XW and I are cordial but she's not the woman I was married to and honestly not someone I would be interested in going out with if I had just met her for the first time.  She dresses about as gawdy as she can and wore a pair of rainbow colored Crocs with her outfit that stood out like a sore thumb.  She honestly reminds me either of a kid whose parents allowed them to dress themselves or an escaped mental patient.  Each time I'm around her she makes a point to bring up her current boyfriend who apparently makes her "the happiest she's ever been" even though he's only met the kids less than three times.  They have no interest in him being in their lives as they've been witness to him insisting that XW check in with him everywhere she goes and him calling her every name in the book over the phone because she forgot to get Manwich (yes, Manwich) and he didn't have any to eat when he got home.  The last time D21 saw him was when XW took her to her house and he started yelling at XW for not checking in with him (she left her phone in the car at her parents' old house) and XW had to repeatedly say, "Please forgive me.  Please forgive me."  But I was the controlling one that she had to abandon her kids to get away from. 

Sorry, just venting a little.  11 years ago yesterday I sat hugging the youngest two tightly and crying as I saw our family breaking up and was in abject fear of what would happen to them or if they would be taken from me.  They've thrived and we are fine, and sat in that same living room after the concert last night.  We are fine but XW is still on Planet Mars and doesn't look to ever leave there.  Very sad and will always be part of our lives.  Not sure why I was more triggered yesterday than in years past but oh well.  As painful anniversaries pass, just like X's old thread title.

Peace to you all.