[Father5]

HI Guys,

Its time for a new thread. I haven't been writing much but I am following along the best I can. If someone could link my old thread please.
Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11655.150 - UM

I was triggered today and would like some input. Is it me?


    As some of you may know I have been struggling financially for some time now. I have been put on Food Assistance and Health Insurance assistance for the first time in my life. I carry a lot of shame with that.

  My son got injured and might have to be seen by a doctor so my EXW asked for his insurance card. I reluctantly gave it to her a little embarrassed.

  She sent me an email today asking me to cancel that policy and she will put him on hers and pay for it. I am responsible for my son and she is responsible for my daughters health coverage per our divorce agreement.

  She then adds that all of them will be put on Om's policy when open enrollment comes up. She says this will save some money.

   I am a little more than furious! Though it has only been a few minutes before I started typing this. I won't respond for a few days to mull it over and not make any rash decisions.

  I do not and will not have any interaction with the OM, Period. I realize I can't control what policy she puts my daughter on. That being said, the thought of him having to sign a paper or a doc if there is an emergency really bothers me.

  Just seeing his name mentioned in the text was enough to make me see red. The audacity to ask me to put my kids on his policy is an even bigger smack in the face.

  I wish after all these years I would feel different but I don't and I don't think I ever will. I want to find peace in my life and I am doing so but doing so requires me to talk to her as little as humanly possible.

  Does she not think before she says anything? Am I totally out of line here?

  I want to tell her in no uncertain terms that this is not happening. God forbid something happens to my kids and I have to wait for that POS to come and sign some doc about my kids. that anything requiring him is a NO before you even ask. So please do not ask again.

please let me know your thoughts? Am I being unreasonable?

[HeavenlyFocus]

Hi Father5,

I am sorry to hear about your situation and can empathize with you.  I was laid off recently and was looking into adding my kids to my XW's insurance.  This was literally days after the D was final.   Fortunately, my severance covered insurance (I was told wrong it would end at the end of the month by HR when I was let go).   Although I was able to cover my children, there was a chance that I may have needed to move them.  I did consider the possibility of adding them to my XW's insurance.

If she is offering to add your S, the key factor is will it save you money.   If it does, then I would do it.   When you are able, you can offer to pay the difference for covering your son meeting your responsibility.

I can see where the OM can be frustrating but is something that you may need to let go in time.  I don't know if the OM is still in the picture as my XW continues to keep things hidden if he still is.   I just have taken the approach that I don't need to give any thoughts about him in my life.  I will be cordial if he ever enters the picture but have no plans to give OM much acknowledgement. 

Hope your son's injury isn't serious and he heals soon.

HF

[OffRoad]

Are you being unreasonable? You are justifiably angry and it's not unreasonable to be angry.

Sadly, you cannot stop your W from putting your kids on any insurance she wants unless your kids are not eligible for that insurance. She may not be able to put them on OMs insurance unless they are his dependents. If your son is your dependent and you declare him as such, his eligibility for insurance from OM would be questionable.

Which brings to mind, If your son is your dependent, keep the insurance on him otherwise, she will claim your son is HER dependent (ask me how I know this) and you will have to prove what you provide. If he's double insured, no harm.

If he isn't your dependent, let him have the best insurance he can have. It's about him, not you.

You have every right to be ticked off, your life has been turned upside down and mlc xw appears to have everything going her way. Give yourself time. I believe the Universe provides what we need, we just have to be ready to seize the opportunity.

She does not, however, get to DICTATE to you to cancel the policy. I wouldn't. I didn't. My son is still on my policy and thank goodness since my exh no longer has insurance. You still get to choose what is on your side of the street no matter what is on her side of the street.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching:

I'm going through the insurance issues as well at the moment. xW wants my S on her insurance because mine isn't covering outpatient psychotherapy (which he needs) so I can understand it. However, she hasn't asked the pertinent questions to HER insurance like exclusion clauses or what, if any, the premiums will be. She just points to her "friends" that tell her it is easy and no problem. Due to the differences in salary (xW earns MUCH more than they do) the circumstances are different but xW was famous in our time together for only providing the information that she wanted one to know (including with her own IC <facepalm>) and then plays the victim when things are different than she had planned/expected.

The short story is that, when S finishes his current orthodontics treatment (on my insurance, we will move him to hers, I will pay her the amount I was paying for his insurance in CS and she will have to bear the consequences (as will S unfortunately) because once he is moved off of mine to hers, he can not be reinstated when she finds out that he had (with the one exception which is, unfortunately, important at the moment) far better coverage under my insurance.

[forthetrees]

Lots of people have primary and secondary coverage through two plans. If you remain the primary and their plan is the secondary, will that work? It seems that part of your anger is coming from feeling some embarrassment about the plan that you are on and there´s no need to feel that. You got slammed and did what you had to do to cover your son. Embarrassment would come from NOT bothering to cover him.

[Father5]

Thank you all for the replies.

   Our decree clearly states that I take my son she gets my daughter for insurance coverage. I think you are right about the write off for taxes but that is also spelled out. I have decided to leave her a book of physicians that will accept my insurance and she can decide who to go to from there if she needs to take him in.

    Off Road you are right. She didn't ask, she demanded or stated. Then stated again to get her the info. I haven't responded but I will. I'll tell her that per our decree I cover our son. Here is a list of doctors you can use if you need.

  I have a state funded premium. It costs me nothing to have at the moment. I am embarresed about that for sure.

 I am starting to finally feel a lot better about things. If I could finally get my finances figured out I would be doing much better.

  The brain fog has finally lifted for me. Thank God ! I thought I was literally getting dimensia. I think that is a good sign I am healing.

[Ready2Transform]

Thank you all for the replies.

   Our decree clearly states that I take my son she gets my daughter for insurance coverage. I think you are right about the write off for taxes but that is also spelled out. I have decided to leave her a book of physicians that will accept my insurance and she can decide who to go to from there if she needs to take him in.

    Off Road you are right. She didn't ask, she demanded or stated. Then stated again to get her the info. I haven't responded but I will. I'll tell her that per our decree I cover our son. Here is a list of doctors you can use if you need.

  I have a state funded premium. It costs me nothing to have at the moment. I am embarresed about that for sure.

 I am starting to finally feel a lot better about things. If I could finally get my finances figured out I would be doing much better.

  The brain fog has finally lifted for me. Thank God ! I thought I was literally getting dimensia. I think that is a good sign I am healing.

This stuff really throws us for a huge loop. It's normal, unfortunately! You will be back in financial shape before you know it, and this stuff with your son's insurance will just be a little bump in the road. I'm with Offroad that nothing should change - he's covered, no matter what, but this power play by your ex is unnecessary (and throwing OM in there to add salt in the wound). I had those shame emotions after my bankruptcy, but you know what? It's just a process. And now I have an experience that I learned from and can share with others in times like these. Not everything is defined by your financial life. Your happiness, your mental health, your FREEDOM from your ex's drama, and being a great dad are way up there. One day at a time, and you'll get to the next level from this.

[PJ Ames]

Sorry you're going through this. The hits keep coming, don't they?

I went through so much humiliation with my divorce. The whole thing is so unfair - someone blows up a family and seemingly suffers no ill consequences. While so often it's the other spouse that gets treated like a loser. It sucks.

I know you'll get your finances straightened out in no time. You've endured worse. Like UM says, "you don't go through hell and back without acquiring transferable skills."

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I know you are going through a rough patch. I pray for you everyday.

Our decree clearly states that I take my son she gets my daughter for insurance coverage.

Keep your son on your coverage regardless of what your ex does. Many people have double coverage and if your ex decides to pay cash for his medical service and doesn't use your insurance, that is her decision and is not a violation of the court order because you have provided medical coverage for your son. End of story.

  I have a state funded premium. It costs me nothing to have at the moment. I am embarresed about that for sure.

 I am starting to finally feel a lot better about things. If I could finally get my finances figured out I would be doing much better.

Don't be embarrassed about anything. Do what it takes and move forward. You are a go getter and very smart so I know things will work out in the end for you. You have put your children first and they are doing just fine under your care. Another victory for you. When this all started, you could have easily dumped the kids on her and OM and left the state. During the divorce, you could have shown bankruptcy and little to no income which would have made your child support non-existent and she would have had to give you some visitation rights. From my perspective, she is trying to get you to throw in the towel.

She went and changed her last name, even went as far as to change it on our parenting app so I would see it. I am not sure why it triggered me so much, it might be worth some digging. I am not out of the woods yet financially, far from it. They are headed to on another tropical vacation next week. It's a very sobering thought to feel like not only where you replaced but also upgraded.

I think she intentionally is trying to get you to quit. You always trade in one set of problems for another. Push her "new" life aside.  I don't care how many trips and new cars she gets, she is intentionally trying to show you how much better her life is. Why? What is her mindset? People that post online every moment of their lives as if everything is roses and unicorns are covering something. So, let her life go and focus on yours. Drop OM as well. In the end, he is just some guy that sleeps with your ex. (I have other words, but they don't meet the language code for Hero's Spouse. )

Now, let's focus and put all of our energy and thoughts on you. You were dating, good. I hope things continue well for you as a good social life will help in the long run. By pushing her aside and her deliberate attempts to bring you down, you can focus on work and your kids. This will help alleviate the dementia that is plaguing you right now.

Above all, know that there are a lot of people that are rooting for you and know you are a man of character, Be that man and build your life without her.

And yes, before you know it, you will be walking.

((((Ready))))

[Father5]

    HI Guys,


    I wanted to journal a littel bit. I had a real blow up with the EXW yesterday. I went a registered the kids for school and while doing so I noticed she put the OM as an emergency contact. We know lot's of people in the area anyone could have been put on that list. It sent me spiraling but I was able to push threw for a day or two.

  Then she picks up the kids for her week and I ask (through the app) when she is returning the kids. She says "Wednesday and then we would be back on the regular 2-2-3 schedule after." I said "I was supposed to have them Monday and was looking forward to taking them to school on there first day." She said "she has already made her schedule based on these days for the rest of the year." I said "but you took your regular three days at the beginning of summer and this was my two extra days at the end."" Putting us exactly on the days when we left off."

  For context for summer we are week on week off and during the school year we are on a 2-2-3.

     She then tells me "we need to communicate more so this type of thing doesn't happen." I said "I agree and also that any emergency contact list should also be discussed and that a certain someone (OM) should never be on a doc concerning my kids." Her response is "well I was trying to do what was in the kids best interest." I said " if you had any respect for me you wouldn't have put his name on anything concerning my kids."" So don't expect any favors from me with that kind of attitude."

   She proceeds to bring up the insurance again and I just stopped communicating as I could see it wasn't going anywhere good. I wish I wouldn't get so upset but I lost my cool this time. I haven't done it in a very long time. I have felt absolute rage for the last few days but am starting to calm down now. this is definitely something I am trying to work on but obviously a slow learning curve.

  I will say that through this last exchange I am tired of being angry and depressed. Maybe this is my bottom and can put the shovel down finally. I have been reading a great book about emotional sobriety. It is actually written by one of my tennis coaches. It has been a real eye opener for me and my feelings. It's called '12 Smart Things to Do When the Booze and Drugs Are Gone  by Allen Berger PhD.

 I have been sober for 25 years but I am realizing that maybe I had stopped growing emotionally over many of those years.

Anyway thank you for reading, following along listening to my rants and  great advice..