[MomOfSteel]

Treasur spot on as always.  As to why I don’t shut down the call? Probably partially because there is a certain sense of vindication or justice in knowing it isn’t all sunshine and roses.  Also, I’m still working on setting boundaries in some situations. 

I haven’t had the kids this year as it’s their dad’s year for Christmas.  While it’s been fine overall, I’ve been having recurring dreams about the ex every night.  It’s getting a bit old but I suppose with him getting remarried there is more processing my brain is attempting.  I wish it would finish because I would prefer not to wake up everyday from these stupid dreams. 

I flew out to visit family and yesterday just started to feel alone, to really want a partner and a person who is my person who knows me and I know and the comfort that comes from knowing they are your person.  It’s unpleasant when those times of missing companionship hit.  I also realize that with my kids, it really isn’t the right time to seek that out which is at odds with my desire to have that again. 

[Treasur]

“As to why I don’t shut down the call? Probably partially because there is a certain sense of vindication or justice in knowing it isn’t all sunshine and roses.  Also, I’m still working on setting boundaries in some situations. “

There you go. Commendably honest of you.
When do you think you will feel that enough, do you think? What more do you need to know?

There’s a point - unfortunately none of us quite know when we’ll get to it, but it does come - when we realise that what is lost is lost, and no amount of karmic vindication fixes that. That our ex spouses’ good, bad or indifferent lives actually don’t add or subtract much any longer from the day to day reality of our own. In its way that’s a bit of a weird feeling after such a long and close attachment when it DID matter, isn’t it?

Jmo, but I think it’s a bit of a psychic connecting rope in a way…we unravel it strand by strand as LBS usually. And that takes a bit of time and unpicking. Whereas our ex/spouses seem to sever it with a swift hatchet or, perhaps worse, try to weave in an ow or two 😝

Please be nice and gentle with yourself; it’s not easy to fly solo around the Ho ho ho stuff of the festive season. Not easy to be without your kids either through no fault of your own. Pretty darned suckilicious actually. And it’s a lot easier to put boundaries up when you realise that someone else’s silly s&it is getting in the way of you putting more good stuff into your days, when it’s a tedious distraction rather than an agonising challenge, when even cleaning an oven seems more productive lol.

There’s a psychological glitch called triangulation which is pretty common with the disordered….you can read about it…but the triangle falls apart as soon as one corner, in this case you, refuses to play. And I think you’re getting there my friend….the fact that you see how ridiculous ow is in using you as a kind of free therapist bodes well. Well for you, I mean; for her and him, not so much. Sucks to be her, let her lie in her own suck lol.

Besides, we usually clear out our closets, metaphorical or real ones, to make more space for nice new stuff, right? Every minute of energy you give to ow/xh nonsense is a minute not available for the really good stuff. The kind of good stuff you want as part of your future life. Think of boundaries as more like cleaning out your closet and taking out the trash! You’ve got this, MoS, look at how far you’ve come already xxx

[Reinventing]

.....or, perhaps worse, try to weave in an ow or two

If we allowed it, I think that's what many would really like to happen.

Besides, we usually clear out our closets, metaphorical or real ones, to make more space for nice new stuff, right?

That's a good point I hadn't thought about Mom of Steel's situation. Mom of Steel, the OW calling you for relationship advice is one that you can't make up and if I saw it in a movie I wouldn't believe it could be real.

[MadLuv]

I think OW calls you because she is seeing that he isn’t the prize she thought he was and who else would know that better than you. Thats something a high school girl would do and not a grown woman however.  Also, I think it can’t be stated enough that an LBS with kids vs NO kids is a big difference in ever being able to let go completely. You have kids together and no matter if they are 1, 10, 20 or 40 what affects them affects you. I think quite often how much easier it would be without kids in this mix and mine are adults. They are going through a lot from this and it does affect me. It’s a mom and a dad thing.

[Reinventing]

They are going through a lot from this and it does affect me. It’s a mom and a dad thing.

MadLuv, sorry I don't think I was clear. I agree that children change how the LBS sets boundaries and navigates contact.

What struck me was that the OW was calling the LBS to talk about the OW's relationship with the MLCer. That in and of itself is what I was trying to wrap my brain around.

You're right, maybe a middle school level thing for her to do. For me, it really highlights what RCR keeps telling us about the dysfunction of the OW (wanting to be the LBS or wanting the life they perceived the LBS had).

Something that if I saw in a movie, I wouldn't believe an OW would do. Although not much they do surprises me anymore after hearing about things on this site. I'll add asking the LBS for relationship advice to that long list.

[MadLuv]

Reinventing-oh,nooo!! Not at all. Not a response to you at all. Just my thoughts on kids vs non kids. Yes!!! I totally agree on OW/OM !! You know what they say. You are who you hang with.  I think that has really helped me. If my XH truly is happy with OW then we are definitely not compatible anymore. That is a very eye opening and helpful thing to realize!!!!

[Reinventing]

I totally agree on OW/OM !! You know what they say. You are who you hang with.  I think that has really helped me. If my XH truly is happy with OW then we are definitely not compatible anymore. That is a very eye opening and helpful thing to realize!!!!

I like this way of framing things. That is really helpful.

[Treasur]

As a non parent (and I often caveat my thoughts on kid related issues with that), I agree that it’s different as an LBS parent. I also think it’s different when threats or violence are involved, or in situations where LBS are in financial peril.

Some of the things we experience are the same, but not all of our situations are the same.

But MoS wasn’t talking about that - she was talking about OW calling her looking for supportive relationship help with what is now I think her xh. I can understand that if you have kids who spend time with an ow or have one that wants to show up at kid events, you may feel it is better for your kids to treat ow with some polite civility and to not share the range of your feelings with them. And I can understand that your priority is to support your kids as they navigate whatever relationship they have with your ex spouse. I can only imagine how hard that must be as a parent. And I can understand that complete emotional detachment or reducing contact might be much harder as a co-parent, particularly of small humans but maybe older ones too.

And imho this also does not mean that one has to be a hostage to an unwanted intimacy with an ow, or even an xh. One does not have to accept an active role in someone else’s s$itshow just bc they send you an invite. Mum’s can say ‘no thanks’ and have sensible boundaries too; in fact, decent parents do, don’t they? It’s how one helps one’s kids grow up into decent adults who treat themselves and others with respect and grace rather than become MLCers lol.

But yes, I can see that it brings different challenges. Having said that, particularly at this time of year, finding oneself a childless LBS without a family of one’s own isn’t a stroll in the park either tbh and I sometimes envy other LBS who at least got some great kids out of their marriages; some of us got no more than financial ruin and some photos 😝

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

As to why I don’t shut down the call? Probably partially because there is a certain sense of vindication or justice in knowing it isn’t all sunshine and roses.  Also, I’m still working on setting boundaries in some situations.

Yes, I totally get the justice and the ease of mind coming with the knowledge that not is all happiness in LaLa land and that the demise of your marriage wasn't really about you. However, part of reclaiming your own esteem is just to trust and accept that it was him and not you. That takes trust in yourself and I strongly believe that NC with the situation is far better with conversations only concerning the kids be allowed.

Remember while your conversations with her provides you with vindication, they also provide her with vindication as well. Trust me, your conversations with her are not confidential and she shares everything with him with her twist. It keeps the pick me dance going and she feels more and more like a winner every time she speaks to you and so does he. Communication means you still care and NC means you are done and no longer concerned with the position that he fired you from.

You have come a far way and your next step is to cut all the ties you have with your ex and his OW. This will clear a lot of emotional space for your healing and your ability to focus on the children and your life.

I am wishing you a Happy New Year and looking forward to hearing how well you establish and hold the boundaries. It is hard, but you are MomofSteel. I believe in you!

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Treasur- so true. You’re advise and writing is always well  articulated and that is just a talent that has help so many here. Kids are a blessing even when they bring heartache or it ties you to pain you wish to escape in full. I think the LBS age and years invested also change the dynamic at play. Im in my 60’s . Not an easy time to start over, but you have LBS with new marriages or small children and that is hard also. We only know our journey, but when we can look at the positives and negatives it is what helps us move forward. I thought losing a child would be the worst it could get and I was wrong. I now just look at things sooooo differently.
The mind set of, “ well at least I have this or at least this didn’t happen” being grateful for what you have and not what you don't is a MUST in this situation. That’s how I have survived and it has served me well. That and dreaded TiME!!!