[KayDee]

Wow, Treasur's reply really sets out the landscape brilliantly. The trying to build something on the rubble, that is something we have to remind ourselves of, but I do believe it will become less important to us as we move forward. Oh, and clearly, the issue was not with YOU, because OW was asking YOU for R advice. That you gave it, makes you St MoS in my eyes. 

I'm jealous of the intact families I see and wonder if I will ever have someone who loves me and choses me and wants to be with me.  I want a partner who will love me but am terrified of trying to get back out there.  I don't want to be hurt again. 

I really get this, I am sifting over this at the moment and I really responded to what you wrote. It made me wonder if I was thinking about trusting a new partners in terms of 0 - 60 mph in 3 seconds, when in reality, I know that trust is built slowly. I guess I just won't know until it happens and it won't happen instantly. And then I thought of all the things we do that have risk. Well, pretty much everything really. But we still do them, because benefits outweigh the risk, they enrich us. When I get down, thinking I may have trouble trusting someone again, I look at all the other models for trust in my life - with friends and with family. In this crisis, they've truly shown me I can trust others, because at times, I put all my trust in them. They are also evidence for me that people want to spend time with me. Chose to do that with me. And love me. I would imagine the same is true for you. Keep the faith.... his crisis is about him. Not your lovability.

[forthetrees]

I read somewhere yesterday that when you are feeling low to think of someone who loved you dearly and how they showed their love. Then, go and do that thing for yourself. So for me, my Dad was always up for taking me out for breakfast and in my case I would go take myself. You basically are in a low spot and need to find a way to metaphorically wrap yourself in a hug. Please let us know what form that hugs takes.

[KayDee]

I read somewhere yesterday that when you are feeling low to think of someone who loved you dearly and how they showed their love. Then, go and do that thing for yourself. So for me, my Dad was always up for taking me out for breakfast and in my case I would go take myself. You basically are in a low spot and need to find a way to metaphorically wrap yourself in a hug. Please let us know what form that hugs takes.

I will post in the shared resource page, this amazing podcast episode about forgiveness with Dr Fred Luskin - who advocates this exact same thing, for when we are feeling pain caused by someone else's actions.  He tells us to take a deep breath, and remember a time we felt loved. I found the whole podcast empowering.

[MadLuv]

[quote ] I guess I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself today and feeling incredibly alone.  I'm jealous of the intact families I see and wonder if I will ever have someone who loves me and choses me and wants to be with me.  I want a partner who will love me but am terrified of trying to get back out there.  I don't want to be hurt again.

I'm not sure what I am looking for, probably just understanding from someone who understands the pain.  [/quote]

This is so normal for us to feel. It has changed for me. I used to see everyone together and be mad at XH and now I am more mad at myself.  For my choices in a spouse. I hate ny kids are struggling and we no longer really celebrate thanksgiving or Christmas together because . It is still so awkward for them and D33 has just really taken a bad turn on the damage felt.

What has helped me is that I bo longer miss my XH because now I see who he is now.  I hate that, but I do and I would never spend a day with who he is now. I used to be jealous of their vacations and life together, but no longer. There is absolutely no way someone that walks out of their family and erases people and a life like it never existed  can be happy. 

I firmly believe they are st first, but that fades and they are in the same cycle of avoiding and distracting, but now with a heavier burden to bare. You just can’t escape yourself. I have learned also to really enjoy myself alone. I now am trying to push myself out to engage in life again and meet new people as I was extremely isolated Due to XH. It’s not where I want to be and sometimes I resent my XH for putting me here still, but when those moments happen I say out loud “ what an a$$hole” then I laugh and move on.

Holidays are hard and so is dreary winter . It truly does keep getting better. My problem is that I am almost at a place where it feels like the marriage never existed. 30 years. Thats comforting and sad, but also a ln acceptance that they don't exist anymore. It truly is a living death of a person.  Keep moving forward. Time is our friend, but we don’t want to wish it away to heal either.

[Trustandlove]

 A little late to the party -- I just wanted to agree with what the others have said, and add from my own situation:  my former H told me years ago at around BD that the whole problem was me, and that the solution was to find someone else.  He has had many someone elses; he married no. 6 (of the ones I definitely know about), and I've learned that he is no longer with her either.  And that he very quickly had someone else again. 

I have no idea of the specific circumstances, but I would wager that "wherever you go, there you are" played a role.   He may well be continuing to look elsewhere for solutions that need to come from within, but it appears that it is easier to just keep getting something new to distract from himself. 

And yes, I was left with all the heavy lifting of parenting, but the huge upside is that I have a wonderful, natural relationship with all my children, and he has none at all with two of them, and a very occasional and superficial one with the third.  I wouldn't trade for anything. 

[MomOfSteel]

Like always, such wise advice, thank you. Sometimes I feel like just having a safe space with people who get it really does help.  Sometimes, you just need to know you aren’t alone and to be heard.  I’m feeling a bit better the last couple days and bought myself and the kids a puppy.  Ha! I get to pick the little nugget up in a couple weeks right before my kids get home from their holiday abroad with the wasband.  I think the call from the OW because they were fighting this week was a mercy to me.  A reminder of all I don’t have to deal with anymore.  With my lenses newly cleared, I definitely don’t want back on that ride. 

As I’ve been thinking a bit this week and examining myself, my feelings and my own progress, I was thinking of one of my lasts couple visits to my therapist last month.  I still go, just not as frequently, especially with the holidays.  During the session, we were talking about the kids, how they struggle and aren’t better off for not having a father in the home.  She pointed out to me that it was the first time since this whole nightmare started though that I said that I was better off by myself without him.  Truly, I am.  There is a certain peace to not dealing with his swirling emotions. 

Sometimes I wonder if the ex is slowly progressing out of replay and skirting the edges of something new.  He seems to be increasingly depressed.  Hopefully his therapist is actually doing him some good. 

Like has been said, the down blips are getting less frequent and in general take less time to get over.  Here’s to continued progress in the new year.

[Treasur]

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. And you’re right, learning to observe how these feelings wash through more quickly than they once did is encouraging, isn’t it? Oh, AND a puppy, yay! A friend of mine and her family just got their first puppy, a little caramel coloured cockapoo - what type is your puppy? Little girl or boy?

Did I understand you right that OW calls YOU when she’s having trouble with the kids? Is that ok with you? After all, isn’t that just the reality of choosing to poach a married man with young kids, sucks to be her? And isn’t that their father’s job? Besides,, not sure what she expects you to do about it from miles away. I must admit I’d be tempted to shut that s&it down, bit too sister-wife triangle for me, but I guess you have your reasons if you’re ok with it. Or did I misunderstand?

Back to the good stuff - a puppy Christmas, nothing not good about that! And I’m sure the kids will be thrilled when they get back. Much nicer than an OW 😝

[MomOfSteel]

Treasur she calls when she’s having problems with him  it’s so ridiculous.  I just tell her she has to decide what to do and I told her that I'm probably the last person she should get advice from because he left me.  The whole thing is ridiculous.  I’m getting a boy bernadoodle that is a midsized one.  So not huge and hopefully not shedding.  I think it will be therapeutic for all of us. 

[FrenchHusband]

Treasur she calls when she’s having problems with him  it’s so ridiculous.  I just tell her she has to decide what to do and I told her that I'm probably the last person she should get advice from because he left me.  The whole thing is ridiculous. 

yeah it looks really ridiculous. What does OW think you are ? Her mum ? His mum ? Looks like you are the only adult in the story and they are behaving like children who are lost and don't know what to do.
Happy Christmas holidays !

[Treasur]

Treasur she calls when she’s having problems with him  it’s so ridiculous.  I just tell her she has to decide what to do and I told her that I'm probably the last person she should get advice from because he left me.  The whole thing is ridiculous. 

yeah it looks really ridiculous. What does OW think you are ? Her mum ? His mum ? Looks like you are the only adult in the story and they are behaving like children who are lost and don't know what to do.
Happy Christmas holidays !

It seems ridiculous bc it IS ridiculous. And inappropriate. And I can’t see the benefit to you in it. Which begs the question why you continue to engage in it even a little. Do you know?

Imho you really can’t talk rational adult to either the delusional or the staggeringly self-centred. If you have said no and why not once but it happens again, words are not sufficient. You need actions like a hard ‘I’m not having this conversation as I said before’ and putting the phone down. Followed perhaps by blocking this person on your phone. People tend to believe actions more than words. You might want to muse on why you are not doing this? After all, she’s not YOUR ow and her problems with your xh/kids/life are simply not your problem surely.