[MomOfSteel]

zartheit, I agree, the kids are just not his priority.  It's sad to see.  I guess if he wants something to change he can take me back to court. Somehow I think a judge would not be too impressed with him.  How these MLCers can just be so selfish at the cost of even their kids is so sad.  When he communicates about the kids, somehow it is always about him and what he wants, it's never really about the kids.  The worst part is that the kids feel it.  They know they and their comfort isn't a priority to him.   

[MadLuv]

It is so hard to understand their rationale and priorities. My XH pays my alimony, but we have community obligations in memory of our daughter and he no longer contributes to the maintenance of them. The daughter who passed that caused his crisis. That he feels guilt over??? It makes no sense. So, it is crazy that your H makes plenty of money, but OW must be bleeding him dry. I know my XH’s is. The OW or OM is running the show.

I love the red lipstick and sunglasses and standing firm and strong!! YES!!!!!  That is the strength that will get you through and I love it!!!!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Sorry you are going through this. I paid both child support and alimony for five years. She also got 1/3 of my 403b and 9.25 credit years of my pension. It stinks but that is the way things happen. I made all my payments and was on time for everything. I never balked at child support or anything my daughter needed. She didn't ask for the divorce; she was just part of it. So I never balked or complained about her support.

Your h made a choice and needs to live with the consequences of those choices. He can cut corners if he wants, he just chooses not to do it. They are his kids as well.

The OW or OM is running the show.

Just like many things in our world, I think OW and OM run a spectrum. So are very manipulative and controlling. They definitely run the show. Yet others are gaslighted and lied to just as much as the LBSer. Some feel that they are saving the MLCer from a terrible situation. It's all about how the alienator enables the MLCer to escape and avoid. Regardless of the alienator, they serve to meet the self centered needs of the MLCer.

Be strong and to the point. It's about your children and their lives and activities should not be disrupted because of his choices.

Have a great day,

(((Ready)))

[MadLuv]

Absolutely Ready. They use each other. Thats why the relationship should not be given value from the LBS. It is not based on anything of real substance!!

[MomOfSteel]

MadLuv and Ready, I certainly think their priorities really get messed up.  It leaves me wondering if he was always this bad or it is a new thing.  I feel like I keep having these episodes where I cry and am sad out of the middle of no where.  It's like my body is purging bits of grief at random times.  I really don't like my ex, I don't want him back, so why am I still grieving?  I guess it's the loss of what I thought my life would be like, the loss of time with my kids, the loss of help and a "normal" family life that didn't involve dealing with all these big emotions constantly.  I had a random thought that the tears are like purging the poison and toxins from my system.  I feel drained each time after but somehow better and lighter. 

We were at my kids ball game the other day.  Ex and OW were sitting on the opposite bleachers.  My son was pitching and ex wasn't even paying any attention because he and OW were all snuggled up looking for concert tickets.  (Once again, no money for the kids extracurriculars but he can spend endless amounts on front row tickets).  As soon as the inning was over (which was only 4 batters) my son angrily stalked back to the dugout and said, "Mom, Dad couldn't even watch me pitch, he was looking at his stupid phone the whole time and didn't even pay attention."  It makes me mad that even when the ex is there, he can't just be there with his kids.  Of course he couldn't hear being on the other side of the field, but several other parents did.  It makes me upset that he can't even be present. 

We had a showcase type event for two of our kids at school where they show projects, writing, and other work they have done over the past year at school.  Ex actually came which was good.  It struck me as sad though that he was almost like this outsider.  The kids and I were talking to parents and the teachers.  He didn't know anyone.  The pictures and writing my children did were pictures of the family, minus him.  My little's favorite things were lions and me.  My older's hero was me and in the essay it said I would always be there and help make it possible to do the things she was interested in even when her dad refuses.  (He didn't see that as I saw it first and made sure he didn't).  It was odd watching him.  He seemed on the verge of tears.  I feel pity for him, for the choices he has made, for the fact his children see what he's doing.

[MadLuv]

MOS- I just had this convo i. My therapy( which I now only go to once a month) I said, I don’t like who he is. I am fine by myself, but I find I have moments where tears will flow and I don’t totally get it as he is not someone who would turn my head in personality or physically. I said, I think like you said it is more just the loss of having my life play out as I wanted.

To make so many sacrifices to just have it end with no real explanation. It’s not like we are playing barbies here and you can pull barbie out and replace her with midge for Ken and all is good. The way they leave also leaves us with so many things to question which makes the future with someone else harder to view.

The kids…ugh. First what they do to their own children is unfathomable. Also, the new OW/OM being in full view right away causes so many issues that it makes it even harder for us to even consider a relationship with someone new as the kids haven’t  come to terms with the parent that has put their life in an upheaval. I do think it is painful to them. They do see the destruction and damage, but they are to weak to handle it and to be accountable. They are emotionally immature.

[MomOfSteel]

MadLuv, I don't like who my husband (well, I really should get used to saying exH) is now either.  It makes me question if he was always like this to some degree or it is a new thing.  It really has ruined my whole view of our marriage.  Two of our children had promotion events at their schools in the last couple days.  He missed all three events for our children but made it to the one for the Ow's daughter.  While dropping our daughter off he commented that he thought the promotion events were dumb and not worth taking off work for.  How he can view it that way and not realize that when every other kid has their parents there, it isn't about the event, it's about showing up for your kid, letting them know you support them and are proud of them.  He could tell by the look on my face I wasn't impressed with him and he basically questioned my disagreement.  My kids notice.  It makes me so sad. 

At the one promotion event today, I was alone.  I was sitting there in this sea of families by myself.  It was one of those moments you just can't stop the tears from flowing.  I'm in a state far from family, I've made some friends here but I was alone and was quietly trying to not embarrass myself by crying. It should have been happy, my exH should have been there.  It also marked the end of the last two years that have been a living Hell because of my exH.  Two years that this child struggled and got in trouble, his grades dropped, he lost his confidence and motivation.  It was just a horrible reminder in some ways that we may have survived but we are not yet thriving in this new life.  We all carry the scars of exH's actions in our hearts and minds on a daily basis.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to go even a day without thinking of exH at all.  I still think about him and what he did often.  I don't want to be stuck reliving this for the rest of my life.  How do we heal enough to just move on and not care and not think. 

This load is heavy.  It hurts.  I'm so tired of hurting.  I wish he would leave us alone completely.  His continued presence hurts because he is here, he feels like home and yet he isn't my home anymore.  He chose to burn that to the ground. 

[forthetrees]

Sending you a cyber hug and shoulder. The contrast of being in the audience as a supporter of one instead of two would be hard to handle. Treat yourself to a hot bubble bath, some good tunes- maybe honor Tina Turner with a sing along of What´s Love Got to Do With it? But avoid numbing the pain with alcohol or sweets. Tomorrow can you treat yourself to a cup of coffee outside in the sunshine and then a walk with a good friend or your kids in a park? It does get better though I cannot promise you won´t have this cross your mind every day from here on out- it´s just too monumental to fade into oblivion.

[xyzcf]

Hi MOS,

I just looked back and saw that your BD was Sept 2021..less then two years.

Unfortunately the hurt can last a long time. Not for everyone but it sure did for me.

A great therapist helped me deal with what really is trauma because our whole world has been blown up...and quite honestly, I think infidelity is a deep deep wound that is hard to heal from...and so yes, I still think about my husband many years later. I liked my life, it was "easier" in many ways than now but over time, I accepted that he is not in my life..other than on the edges.

Sitting at the school event amidst families is terribly difficult. No wonder you felt like crying!

Sometimes it is better not to have to see them...but when you have children, that is not always possible.

The hurt they cause our children also makes things worse....trying to comfort the children when our hearts are broken is exhausting.

I wish there was an easy way to forget them, to get to a better place quicker. It happens, but it happens in small steps and when you look back a month ago, 6 months ago, a year ago...perhaps you will see that you are moving forward.

I had trouble "feeling "joy". I knew what "joy" was but I could not feel it. Again, the therapist I saw helped me to let go of the physical manifestations and emotional distress that his leaving caused me...and I feel joy and comfort now....it does take a great deal of time.

The biggest thing  for me was acceptance that the man I loved is no more. I cherish the memories I had of our life together and I have built a life that is good for me...I pray that you will find that sooner than later.

Take care.

[MadLuv]

MOS~ I am 2 1/2 years out from BD and everyday my XH comes into my thoughts in one way or another. I think for me the hardest thing has been accepting that he is the total opposite of who I knew, but once I did then my days have been mostly good. Yet, the damage is great. To us and our children. i feel cheated on having a marriage and family. I’m good alone, but feel still a little frozen in where to go in life. I can definitely feel with time it does keep getting better.

There is also a sadness in losing love for someone you have always intended to love forever. Almost scary, so we have so many things to reconcile with ourselves. We were dealt some pretty bad cards, but I do like to be that person that believes something better is coming. This can’t all be for nothing. So, keep the faith. Better tomorrows are ahead. I survived my mothers horrific MLC and your children will also. One very supportive parent really can be enough. I thank the lucky stars for the Dad I had. Your children will be ok, because they have you!