[FaithWalker]

Completely understandable how you feel. 

I would feel the same way if my xH were married to a person who was involved in breaking up my marriage.

[Evermore]

I love reading the stories of those who have moved on whether with a partner or not. It reassures me all the time that I’ll be ok too. Thanks for posting.

Thanks DF and FW. I like reading all the 'success' stories here as well. Funny how our idea of success radically changes as we heal isn't it.

I am stable and settled these days and very thankful for that. Still blips though, and sometimes really strange blips!

I was feeding one of my ponies last night (Charm). She's one of the ones I had to give away when xH bailed and we had to sell our property. I gave her to a friend but got her back a few years ago. There was a few other horses I had to give away at the time as well. One was a mare (Em) I'd bred years before that I had planned to keep always (my user name is taken from her registered name ) as she was always my favourite. Soon after BD I loaned Em to a lovely lady who bred a foal from her and then asked me if she could lend her on to another friend of hers. It's ended up that I am now agisting (boarding for those in the US) with the lady that now has Em. It's a large property and Em is in a paddock far away from where I keep Charm, so I don't see her often. I haven't' thought too closely about why I don't have a desire to go visit with Em more. When I think about visiting with her I get the same vague, panicky, PTSD-type 'arghhh!!' feeling that I get when I hear a certain iPhone message ding.   

Anyway, I knew Em had been moved in with Charm over the past weekend. When I went in and visited with both of the mares it was so so nice. They're both such sweet mares. Em especially LOVES scratches and cuddles (she's a real weirdo who backs up to you so you will scratch her butt and udder!  And she drops her head so you can cuddle her head and pull her ears, she'll spend ages just standing in that position, loose in the paddock, weirdo!). But it was also a bit triggering! I know how weird that sounds and it's going to be hard to articulate why, but I will try.

The last time I was in the paddock with both of these girls at the same time was at my 'old house'. Patting and scratching and cuddling Em instantly brought back sooo many memories.

When I bred her we were still at our 'old old house'. So all the memories of her as a foal are at that place. xH was very involved back then. And our kids were very little. Then when Em was about 8 months we moved to the 'old house' and she and a little pony I had were the first ones I move there. We built the house and the horse yards and stables at that 'old house' ourselves. We were so happy there and had such big dreams about our lives there. Em grew up at that 'old house' and I bred a foal from her there. xH was still involved back then. So there are sooo many memories that attach Em to my old life with xH. When I was visiting with her last night, and Charm was here too, it was like all the memories and feelings came rushing back in, flashing through my mind. I felt the loss then so deeply. All those hopes and dreams. All the things I thought about my life and where it was going. All gone now. Such a waste.

I have built something really really good from the ashes. And I am very happy. But I'm not sure I'll ever not be sad about all the losses.

So I guess it's not that surprising and strange really that visiting with Em made me feel that way. I just wanted to cry and cry. But I didn't I rugged Charm up and fed them both and drove home. To my new happy house. Where D23 lives happily with me. And I called my lovely M on the way. Such a bitter sweet feeling. Life is good and I am determined to keep it that way as much as I can.   

[FaithWalker]

Totally get it Ever.  It's sometimes a bit shocking what still triggers, but also completely understandable.  Sending you a bunch of cyber ((((HUGS)))

[Reinventing]

Totally understandable, all of it.

[Evermore]

BD was 6 years ago yesterday. It’s so bizarre, after so much pain for so many years, that it feels quite distant now. It really feels like ‘another life’ now. I feel like I’m ‘through’ now. There will always be grief. I’ll always have sorrow at the loss of that life. But I think I’m through, finally. Such a relief.

[MadLuv]

I won’t congratulate you as it’s not a celebration really, but more a good for you. Good for getting through. For acceptance. For knowing that there is a life again. I also agree that even when we get there it has a funny way of always reminding us it happened. It was real. The relationship and the demise.  You earned some peace after all the stages in the journey. Anger gets $h!te done. Depression lays on the sofa and weeps. Acceptance moves forward. Here’s to moving forward!!

[Evermore]

Thanks ML. xx Yes, I think I've earned the (mostly) peace I feel these days! Forward, always forward. xx

I did have a teary moment on the way to work this morning as I drove past our old house. I was thinking of my extra-kid. It's her BDay today (24!) and I had a very clear flashback to 6 years ago. We were sitting at the table at a local pub with her and her parents etc. The fear and pain and swirling WTAF?!?!? feelings I had that night came back so vividly. It still makes no sense to me. Still seems so crazy.

So even when you feel you are through, the shock of it all can still catch you. 

[Evermore]

I read this today:

"I have one foot
stuck in sadness,
while the other foot
is in the doorway to happiness.
parts of me dance
in the sunshine,
while other parts
drown in the rain.
I am the one in the room
who laughs the loudest
while the grief stings
and pulls me backwards.
I exist simultaneously
happy and sad,
and at any given moment
either one can take over.
don’t try to pull me
one way or the other,
because one can’t
exist without the other."

Yes.

[Treasur]

Well, that spoke to me this morning so a Yes from me too.

Today is what would have been my wedding anniversary. Is it still? I don’t know.
But it’s something. Enough for it to not be just any other day.
And it is full of genuinely happy memories for me, delights that I would not want to erase from my memory. Really, for me at least, a day of big love and joy, mental snapshots of the people who mattered most to me in my life. And how I felt incredibly blessed that day to share something that felt so light and happy and good with the people I loved most.

That one foot in two places is an odd feeling for sure.
All I suppose I do know is that the day, and what came with it before and afterwards, was true and important to me. But, even now with hindsight and a slightly more jaded mind, there is no way I could have foreseen what would have happened so many years later. And I don’t want to throw the old joy away just bc it did bc it was so real to me.

But it’s an odd balancing act on days like today.

[Evermore]

Hello T. Yes, those days are definitely still 'something'; but working out where we place them, and what we can call them now, and working through the emotions they still hold, is hard. I'm sorry. I so know how you felt the other day (sorry I didn't respond earlier). Thinking of you and sending you a big knowing hug.