[hopeandfaith]

 

[FaithWalker]

I'm late to the party but grinning about this milestone passed.  I was also thinking about my first encounter with xh's new wife as well.  I was so glad to read that your first encounter went as it did! 

[Evermore]

I'm late to the party but grinning about this milestone passed.  I was also thinking about my first encounter with xh's new wife as well.  I was so glad to read that your first encounter went as it did!

Thank you FW. It was weird but I coped. And there’s been a second encounter now as well. On this Christmas Eve, where for the past few years myself and D22 have gone to eldest D’s house (with my mum and D25’s partner’s mum too) I told D25 it was ok if she wanted to invite her dad… etc ( ). It was a smaller gathering than her Bday but she did invite a few extra close family members too and M came with me of course. It was still weird but it was ok. As at D25’s BDay, xH made extra effort to engage M in conversation (this time it was me getting up to use the loo and xH taking my seat! Haha). My girls seem very happy with this new development (it makes things much easier for them).

I’ve had a very lovely and peaceful Christmas all round. I didn’t have any FOMO about not attending in-law-Xmas celebrations! That feels odd. I still feel like I’m ‘transitioning’ to a new life. But I feel like I’m on the ‘other side of the hump’ now. I really feel that if xH came to me and said ‘Omg! What did I do?! Let’s try again.’ I would genuinely be able to tell him ‘sorry, you took too long’. Of course that’s unlikely to happen. And there’s no guarantee I wouldn’t feel more torn than I think I would be. But now I’m hoping he really is content enough in his new life that he doesn’t attempt a return. I think. Yes, still a little split I think. But I think that wish is one originating from muscle memory because I hoped for it for so long and I still feel connected to xH. It’s fading all the time (the hope, but not the feeling of connection strangely). Which feels peaceful and sad and happy all at once. Bitter sweet!

Sending merry Christmas thoughts to all. For those still struggling, hang in there. It will get better. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

[Evermore]

Oh oh and, funny… on Christmas day I posted a pic of Fred the woofer sitting under the Christmas tree to FB and wished all ‘our’ friends and family a happy Xmas and NY; and I tagged M. XH commented: ‘Merry Christmas pet-name-for-Ever and M, have a bloody great day xx’

It’s like I’m living in a new different bizarro land than the bizarro land I have been living in for the past 5 years! Soooo weird 🤣🤣🤣

[Reinventing]

Evermore, I'm glad for your freedom in moving about and attending your family's events. You sound unfettered.

I also find the comments and overt attention from your xH to be strange. And a bit patronizing, for lack of a better word. I can't put my finger on what to call it.

You, however, sound great. Which is the most important thing.

[KayDee]

I also find the comments and overt attention from your xH to be strange. And a bit patronizing, for lack of a better word. I can't put my finger on what to call it.

Overcompensating?

You, however, sound great. Which is the most important thing.

Here, here!

[Evermore]

I also find the comments and overt attention from your xH to be strange. And a bit patronizing, for lack of a better word. I can't put my finger on what to call it.

Overcompensating?

You, however, sound great. Which is the most important thing.

Here, here!

Oh yes, overcompensating is the reason I’m sure. He has big guilt and this is his way of relieving that guilt for himself (‘see I was right, it did all work out for the best, she’s happy with someone else now and I will make sure everyone knows I am happy about that’). It’s also a genuine display of approval I’m sure. He is still a very nice man who loves me and wants to see me happy. I’ve always maintained that he just wanted a new life and hated having to hurt me to go get it. For right now things are working out ok. Let’s hope they continue to do so for both of us!

[xyzcf]

Just wanted to send a word to you...sorry, it's been really busy here. I am very happy to hear how your life is evolving. The time spent with your family is more comfortable than you had imagined and I think it is good for all. 

He is still a very nice man who loves me and wants to see me happy. I’ve always maintained that he just wanted a new life and hated having to hurt me to go get it. For right now things are working out ok. Let’s hope they continue to do so for both of us!

For many spouses, they do not hate us. Acceptance of their choice for a different life is a very healthy way to move forward in your own...yet still having feelings for him and caring about what happens to him......it's not always easy but as you and others have shown us, it can be done.

Enjoy the end of this year and a bright New Year ahead!

[Evermore]

Thank you XY. Your well wishes are much appreciated. To be honest, it’s a bit unbelievable that I’m where I am currently.
I’m glad to read that you also had a great family time with more to come. Xx

[xyzcf]

I really appreciate your coming back to tell your story. There was a great deal of apprehension and "advice" given to you concerning seeing your xH but you followed your intuition about what would be the right thing for your daughters, your family and for him in many ways.

I do not think we can shut off the love we shared because they ended up having a crisis.

I am dismayed by so much advice given that the only way for healing to occur is to stop any contact with them, to look at everything they do as being "monster" towards us and the lack of empathy and understanding for what they are going through.

Thus was not the philosophy of HS, certainly not in RCR's articles. There was a emphasis on understanding the crisis and I know that helped me a great deal to accept what was happening.

I am thrilled to hear how vey happy you sound in your posts and wish you and M the very best.

Yes, our times together are quite comfortable, the family times are wonderful and I have no "fear" as I once had that seeing him would somehow "harm" me or prevent me from moving forward.

I do not see myself in another relationship. I am 69 years old, have lived alone for 14 years and of course have always believed that marriage is a life long permanent commitment to one another. Each of us are different, each of us come here with our own values, beliefs and understanding of ourselves, our marriages and what MLC is about.

I am happy that peace and joy are very much back in my life and that came without closing all doors to him, without shutting him out of my life. I could have done so, people told me I should..but that was not and never was in my heart.

Other posters here have written about spending time with their spouse over the holidays and have been pleasantly surprised that it was ok...better then they expected.

That of course is not possible for everyone. We don't really have control about what our spouses are doing, some have been violent and abusive but there are many others who I see as being "lost"....they don't seem to end up being terribly happy from my observations..unless of course they come to terms with what happened to them to change them in so many ways.

it’s a bit unbelievable that I’m where I am currently.

None of us know what is in store for us in the future. I hear peace in your posts, not anger, rage and bitterness that some carry with them for years which will not help ultimately in their growth and healing.

Again, my 2 cents worth

Have a wonderful New Year Ever!