[Dragonfly33]

You are right UM, my xh always had low BP because he is very sporty. That’s what I told him too and with the morphine they have him, it got even lower that’s why he fainted. You seem to be very active yourself. I think sport is good for as long as you do it in moderation. I like doing winter Sport myself. Once in a while I go swimming which really does me good esp my back.

Journaling:
As for my xh, he apparently ended up going to his parents after he was discharged from the hospital. He thought he would go home and just be back to normal. But he told ne he was in so much pain and can barely walk for more than a couple of minutes. He couldn’t even put on his socks. So I said well you overestimated yourself when you told ne u didn’t need any help from anybody and you will manage it by yourself. He said no I didn’t overestimated myself because I realized it right away on the day I was discharged from the hospital. Still too proud to accept he was wrong. Well, somehow I‘m happy I don’t have to deal with these things anymore. He is his parents‘ problem now. They are not very young anymore. The dad will be 90 next year and the mom is also in her 80s. That’s not easy for them either but the bad side of me is telling myself they deserve to suffer with their son after what they did to me. LOL

That’s for now. i wish everyone a great weekend!

[Dragonfly33]

I thought it might be a good idea to write some updates here. Most of the time, I am just reading the posts here.
So it will be 5 years since BD this May and 2 years since D was finalize. Time indeed flies. I didn't even notice it anymore not even anniversaries as I've been busy moving on with my life. Looking back, I cannot imagine that life would get better after BD, that finally I stopped crying. When you are in the thick of it, it is so hard to imagine that the pain would go away. It does get lesser and lesser and up to this point I don't feel it anymore although, there were times I miss having my xh in my life but these moments were just passing. I guess I won't be able to truly forget my xh, who knows. My work and my dog have kept my life occupied. I've learned to love going on hikes with her. My mom  and my sister and her family came over here to celebrate Christmas together. It was wonderful. We were finally complete at Christmas and New Year's after so many years. We finally have a new family picture. I missed my xh though. I guess I will always miss his company.

As for my MLCer, we remained in contact once in a while and sometimes we joke. I haven't seen him though in more than two years since that terrible day in court during our divorce hearing. Im writing an update today because the only thing that's connecting me to my xh at the moment is the alimony he's paying me which will end soon. Today I noticed I had suddenly a noticeable increase in my bank account. When I checked it, I realized it was my x. So basically he paid off the remaning amount of alimony he has to pay. After this, I feel like this is it, we will be totally disconnected which I think is maybe good for me. It's a chance for me to stand on my own without his support anymore.  5 years ago I was so scared I wouldn't be able to support myself. But now that I have lived for 4 years by myself, I realized there is nothing to be scared anymore. What happened made me realize that I can survive and even thrive by myself. This experience was truly an eye opener for me that I can rely on myself. I am just happy where I am now. I've made friends at work and outside work. I found new hobbies and I learned to trust myself in making decisions. I learned to travel by myself. So many positive things came into my life after those painful years I had to go through. For those who are still in the thick of this whole MLC thing, there is life on the other side. It might not be what we wanted initially, but it's really something you will be proud of.

On another note, my x apparently had no more contact with the people he used to have a good relationship with. I don't know if this is an MLC thing but it still surprises me that he is really a walking example of a typical MLCer. Recently, he told me that a co worker of his who was known to be a really hard working good guy. Overly hard working in fact, as he spent most of his life working and even at home with his family he was still working and entertaining business calls. So apparently, my x told me recently he got divorced. His wife, I guess also in her late 40s or maybe early 50s (night quite sure), wanted the divorce. She hired a lawyer for her and mader her h pay for her lawyer. The guy was so nice that he agreed to pay but didn't get a lawyer for himself. They didn't go to court and they just settled the divorce with her lawyer and himself. The wife demanded him to pay her half of his salary, until his retirement and she claimed not being capable of working because she's not mentally able. They have a son who is 11 or 12 years old, and she decided to leave the child with her husband as she is not interested anymore in taking care of him. So she went on travels abroad like in the Maldives and Dubai to do some yoga and went on a shopping spree of more than 20k dollars all charged to the husband's credit card. I'm not sure though if the shopping spree happened after the divorce or before. But anyway, the co worker of my ex paid the whole amount. He said, he's life is done and he just wanted to make sure the son will have a good life and then he can die. It's a really sad story as I know this guy is so nice. The only problem with him is he couldn't say no. So the ex wife abused it. Now he has to work full time and take care of their son, while the ex wife is living her best life. I do wonder if the wife is going through some crisis. She never worked and the husband provided her everything.  I told my ex good people like his colleague will have a good karma while his ex wife will be run over by the bad karma bus sooner or later. 🤣 He never reacted.

He told me he doesn't want to worry about life anymore and he just wants to enjoy his life. My ex never asked me how I am everytime we had contact. I always asked him though. I guess he is still in MLC world. I'm glad I'm out of that chaotic world.

[Treasur]

Glad to hear you are doing well, you sound good, DF.

I wonder too if you might find life smoother if there is no reason for ongoing contact, just as you say.

Time is a funny old thing, isn’t it? I watched a BBC programme yesterday talking about the 5th anniversary of the pandemic. Didn’t realise that this was also pretty much your BD date - what an extraordinary act to BD a spouse at the beginning of a pandemic. A time when most other people were doing everything they could to protect and cherish their friends and families and neighbours from this awful scary life-threatening thing. How hard it must have been for every LBS here dealing with MLC or BD at the same time as a pandemic that turned life upside down too.

What struck me watching the documentary as it talked to people who had lost loved ones is that they are still grieving, living but changed by their loss. And how reasonable that seemed to me that they should feel how they do. But quite a few said that they feel the wider world is impatient with their reaction to loss and seems to want to just act as if Covid never happened…but to them, sometimes, it felt like yesterday, so it was easier to talk to other people who had lost people too. Bc they get it. I guess this forum is a version of that kind of place too, a place that understands we can survive a kind of hell and move forward from it, but also be changed profoundly by it years later.

Hug from here xxx

[Dragonfly33]

Thank you Treasur, you're one of the people that helped me through it. It was indeed right before the pandemic when my H BDed me. I remember very well how hard it was to be alone during the lockdown here. It was a scary time, but luckily the government allowed us to do outdoor activity for as long as we were alone or together with the people in the same household. In my case, I was of course alone. I think I was deep in my depression back then. After all I have been through, I think I am in a good place now. I'm not the same person anymore. I've tried dating but I guess it was not the right time or maybe I am just scared to be in a relationship again. That kind of pain was just brutal. I would not want anybody in my family or my circle of friends to experience it. Even until now, I cannot fathom how a person could hurt their spouses like that. I still can't wrap my head around it.

I think the MLC grief is harder than losing a loved one from death because you know they are still there and yet they're not there. And that for me was hard to accept. I remember when I spoke to my therapist, I told her I considered my xh dead so my brain could catch up that he was gone. But it was hard to convince myself that. With the help of the people here who never got tired of reminding us that it would all get better with time, I slowly moved forward in my own pace. I have changed and I'm not the same person anymore. I've finally stopped blaming myself or comparing myself to the OWs which was the worst thing to do.   I guess I would never trust someone like that again.

The only thing I wish now is that I will finally reach that stage of indifference towards him. That I won't be affected anymore not even a bit. Funny today, my ex replied to my question after 4 days. He was injured again in the knee from doing all these exercises with his physio therapist probably in preparation for another triathlon. And I told him, it seemed like injuries are chasing him. He answered and said, no athlete doesn't have any injury and he said every injury is a setback is a set up for him to come back stronger and that he always made it and came out of everything stronger. To which I replied or it could be a reminder to slow down. He then said, he is very grateful with the goals he achieved  and he learned to be resilient mentally blah blah blah. So normally in the past, I would continue to prove him otherwise but this time I just said, you do what you do best. I learned how to back up big time not just with my exh but with everyone. I just let them. And it's a huge relief.
From what I gather through the message exchange with my ex, he seemed to have found his happiness and the recognition he's always wanted trying to prove he was good at something. The triathlon gave him the recognition he's always chasing. Whether he is still in his crisis or towards the end, I do not regret that I asked him to move out from my apartment. I could not imagine how damaged I would be today had I kept trying to hold him back. Some people in our lives do not finish the journey with us. They were never meant to walk with us till the end, they were meant to walk halfway. I look at it this way now. My xh purpose in my life had come to an end.

[UrsaMajor]

The only thing I wish now is that I will finally reach that stage of indifference towards him. That I won't be affected anymore not even a bit. Funny today, my ex replied to my question after 4 days. He was injured again in the knee from doing all these exercises with his physio therapist probably in preparation for another triathlon. And I told him, it seemed like injuries are chasing him. He answered and said, no athlete doesn't have any injury and he said every injury is a setback is a set up for him to come back stronger and that he always made it and came out of everything stronger. To which I replied or it could be a reminder to slow down. He then said, he is very grateful with the goals he achieved  and he learned to be resilient mentally blah blah blah.

You will know when you have reached indifference when the parts above in italics are no longer a part of your discussion.... and you just go straight to

I just said, you do what you do best.

when he starts his pity party...

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Good to hear from you. I feel that you are continuing your path to recovery and finding yourself.

 

They were never meant to walk with us till the end, they were meant to walk halfway. I look at it this way now. My xh purpose in my life had come to an end.

This is acceptance. Everything else is all about control and in reality, perceived control. Because in reality, we can only control ourselves and possibly influence others. In fact it ties in with my new quote on life:

I drink coffee to help me accomplish the things I can change,  and I drink bourbon to help me accept the things I can't change.

It's a paraphrase, but I like it.

It's all about acceptance. Understanding yourself and the power of self. Finding bliss even at the worst of times. I am on vacation right now and I am having a great time. However, I will be back to work ready to go for the next couple of months before the school year ends. During my journey, I have walked with others, sometimes we stay together, sometimes we separate, and meet again, sometimes we never meet again. Just like you, I thought the same would be with my ex, but it wasn't to be. Since our divorce, I have seen her a handful of times and now I am at a state of indifference. Not a "I don't care for her a bit" as I have concern and connection with any person. However, the emotional connection of this person is part of my life is gone. She left at a station of the train journey that is my life.

You will get there too as well. It takes time and focusing on living your life without that person.

So the ex wife abused it. Now he has to work full time and take care of their son, while the ex wife is living her best life.

Is living your best life, really living off of others, accomplishing nothing day after day, year after year? Buying things is a high. But it doesn't last forever. The things become old and you find the need to buy more things. Our entire system is created to keep you buying. Yes, the husband will work hard, but he will see his son grow and become a man. He will live his life on his own and find joy within. So will you. Remember, the people that run, that abandon others, do so because they feel empty inside. All the stuff they buy, the people they sleep with, the new pursuits are all just temporary fixes. The emptiness returns and they have to find another fix. I don't think that's the best life. I don't even think it's living...it's existing.

Having purpose, setting goals, moving forward, and enjoying your life as it is now is far better than pursuing a fantasy of how life should be. A carefree life of no responsibilities and having everything you want. It may start as Utopia, but it becomes hell.

Is that living the best life? No, but when you look back, you will find that now you are the one living her best life possible.

Keep moving forward,

(((Ready)))

[amazinglove]

thank you for that reply! that helped me so much!

[Dragonfly33]

Ursa and Ready thank you for always being there. Ready I hope you are enjoying your vacation.
Acceptance is the keyword here. It was a slow process but I finally accepted that it happened and there’s no undoing of what happened. I guess for me, it was easier to let go once I accepted that. I accepted that I could never fix it and just let it go. With the very few contacts I have with my xh, I only get a small glimpse of what’s going on his life based on what he’s telling me. I don’t read between the lines anymore. I just take it for what it is.

Ready how long did it take you until the emotional connection was gone? Was it the moment you met your lovely wife? I do believe that it helps when you meet someone else. I am not looking for anyone else but I am also not closing my door if I would be given a second chance to have a partner in life. But right now, I guess I’m just even more cautious after the whole experience. It’s that kind of pain I hope I don’t have to go through again.

AL things will get easier for you too. It will be my 6th year BD anniversary this May. Time just flies and I can say I am Ok where I am now. I learned so much about myself. That’s a good thing I guess. I realized that I have so much strength I never knew I had before.

A bit of an update with my xh: yesterday was my birthday. My xh greeted me with a very short text message saying happy birthday (all lowercase and no punctuation marks). It looked like a forced greeting but he did remember my birthday. Just txted him back thank you. Later in the evening, we texted back and forth a bit. And now I know he wanted to go diving again in different parts of Asia. Last time he went diving ( he was already in his crisis but I didn’t realize it), he was airlifted to the hospital due to decompression sickness. Then he said later on maybe it was fish poisoning and not decompression sickness. I asked myself why do these MLCErs like to do risky sports. Is it the need to feel pain? I just really don’t get it.

[zartheit]

why do these MLCErs like to do risky sports. Is it the need to feel pain? I just really don’t get it.

I remember being curious about this as well. A random thought that occurred to me some time ago (with no supporting evidence or anything) was that coming close to death really focuses your attention. Sometimes soldiers will have a hard time integrating back into "boring" routines and almost long for the simplicity and clarifying focus of staying alive. I also seem to remember hearing from people that do extreme sports that it's the only time they feel "alive", which I also interpret as a great way to focus your attention. Perhaps when you are completely absorbed in a task the outer world can melt away. Maybe the extreme danger can bring on some kind of flow-state where all your anxieties and regrets are absent as you are completely occupied. I don't know!

[MadLuv]

What a great thread to your update. I’m not on here much. Try to check in here and there. Your responses to your update were so good. I don’t know if it is of any comfort, but your XH checks in. I think that he may be gone, but he isn’t totally absent. There is some minor comfort I would think in that. My hardest thing to get past is that my XH exists on this earth, but  he really is like he is dead. He has a new wife and her adult daughter and a grandson from one of them and has totally left behind his own kids and grandchildren . I think if I got a bday text stillnor email I would have some comfort in knowing that a part of him still shows a small acknowledgment that any of us existed . Thats me though

I loved this reply below ready!!!

Remember, the people that run, that abandon others, do so because they feel empty inside. All the stuff they buy, the people they sleep with, the new pursuits are all just temporary fixes. The emptiness returns and they have to find another fix. I don't think that's the best life. I don't even think it's living...it's existing.