[MadLuv]

I get it. I was laid off and have no insurance at all now and recently severly hurt my back, but decided to wait it out and aee if it would repair on its own . I also found myself cursing my XH for not having insurance and for not being able to go back to my original position in the company we both worked as he had to many EA with subordinates and so cant go back therre.

I find that I just keep saying to myself that it is what it is and atleast I am not him.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor & MadLuv - it took me all day to chase after answers and that was probably part of my aggravation about all of it. Having to deal with an automated system to get me even remotely close to talking to someone and having music on a loop as I waited did not help me at all.

When I first connected with anyone, they informed me they had no record of my forms being received. Then tune changed when I told them someone has them because I sent the forms yet again last week. I also mentioned that my mail was express delivered and a signature was part of the deal, which I confirmed had in fact happened. Then I told this person that I realize they are simply there to answer my questions, but my frustration level was really very high at this point and I have documentation, including emails, with notes from back in November. Then I added if this wasn't resolved then I would be contacting their state's Attorney General's office to report this activity, since they sent me this letter about how if I didn't pay the month's premium, the insurance would lapse and I would forfeit any right to funds due back to me. I added this statement is for an account that should have been closed back in November - per the signed forms I had now sent twice. My guess is the words "Attorney General's office and reporting an issue" might have been motivation enough for them to miraculously tell me that they found the paperwork and that I had a check coming which they sent on the 28th of January. Hmmmmmmm. That was Sunday. Perhaps that is true. 

Yesterday, I received said check. Sent in an overnight package. SMH. Unbelievable.

It is hard to convince me at this point that this is the game this company plays, hoping most people don't realize that if they paid into a whole policy they should get something back after a certain amount of time. This policy had been in place since before the divorce, so well over 7 years. Suspicious at the very least. I wish I could just chalk it up to human error or some bad business practice other than something that now feels like it was done on purpose, but the whole thing feels like it is more than just bad business.

I think why this rattled me more than usual and brought me back a bit to the MLC era is that I don't like conflict. I truly don't. I will fight if I need to, but this made me feel like I had to needlessly protect myself, much like when I was dealing with the divorce, etc. I don't like calling on that part of me to "do battle". It is so against my general nature. It brought up some really uneasy feelings in me, much like when I was accused of things by Xh or when I had to produce documents to prove something I knew the other party full well knew was some BS they already knew was false accusation. It felt like wasting my time.

It lead to me having to eat a quick dinner, shower and then go back to work on what I really needed to finish up for the day - my actual work. I was up until 2 am prepping for my Tuesday class and addressing the other classes, such as emails, etc. I was up by 6 am yesterday and had a full day. Even after going to bed early last night, the after effects today are there.

The after effects are more than just the late night. It is that feeling I felt when I as dealing with the MLCer BS - that type of physical and mental drain. It was not some kicking and screaming behavior on my part. Maybe that is part of the stress. Inside I wanted to just yell and kick and scream, but I had to control my inner feelings and channel that anger.

Fortunately, I know how to better deal with recuperating from these moments than I was back then. In part it is allowing myself to be okay with being angry and frustrated. It is being okay with me protecting myself and having to go outside of my usual demeanor and be more forceful. I still will never feel comfortable having to go to that part of myself. Maybe it scares me a bit - that I have it in me to feel so incredibly angry and frustrated. IDK

No matter what, today is a different day. 

[UrsaMajor]

Unfortunately, it seems that some companies seem to have decided that fleecing consumers is a good way to inflate profits and keep their shareholders happy and, hey, as long as no one screams so loudly that it garners official attention, they have nothing to loose. Therefore, I'd suggest that the hint of the state's Attorney General probably scared the bejeezuz out of them because, once an investigation like that get started, it tends to uncover a whole multitude of issues - can you say "Class Action Lawsuit" or "criminal investigation for embezzlement?"  Doesn't look particularly good in a companies portfolio.....  They expect that people will either pay up or simply drop the matter and count it as lost funds....

I am glad that the check showed up finally. That is one less thing that you have to worry about long-term....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor- I really was trying to chalk it up to some human error or oversight, but it is hard not to see it as exactly as you describe. I am going to let it go on my end, but I certainly won't be doing any business again with that company or its affiliates.

This week seemed to just be a never ending week. I put in very long days all week long trying to get ahead of the semester. With last weeks hiccup on the one class - a tech issue, it seemed to just muck up the works all around. Today, I THINK I finally at least caught up enough to breathe a bit this weekend. It doesn't mean there won't be other long days or exhausting moments, but I am back on track and ahead in a couple of instances. Next week, at the very least, I shouldn't have days that start at 6 am and end at midnight or later, or at least not an entire week where it was like that.

It felt good today being able to see my college checklist completed by noon, after having had a week where it felt like nothing was lining up properly. Today, the loose ends that I couldn't complete due to a variety of almost comical bureaucratic hurdles. Things like forms being changed for different things and I would fill out the first form, only to find out that there had been additional forms added to the process, but those forms are in a completely different place than the first form. It all fell into place today and I was almost not believing that I had actually been able to truly close out each of those incomplete projects. I kept thinking I forgot something, and even funnier is I was able to jump onto the project for next week and get ahead on that as well. Of course, next week I could go in and find out that I forgot something - LOL

As a whole, I am honestly really excited about this semester. I picked up an independent study with a former student of mine who graduated and now has come back for a second degree. My students are really enthusiastic over all and that makes it so much more enjoyable. The make up of the classes have several students who are just hungry to learn and it is contagious. Other students often feed of that level of energy, so I am pretty excited. I am also prepared for those off days or frustrating moments, but my rosters have some of the best students we have in terms of overall work ethic.

However, I must admit, I am ready for a break this weekend, at least part of the weekend from academia. 

D went out for a bit tonight and S is still at SIL's. The dog has decided I need cuddling and I am good with that. I am grateful for the quiet tonight. 

[UrsaMajor]

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor - aside from my dog being an English Lab, that is exactly how she behaves. LOL

I find myself letting go more and more of what was. I am not getting rid of my entire history, nor do I regret any of it. I had to go through a whole lot of hurt to get where I am now. I sometimes wish that weren't the case. I sometimes feel like I lost years. I sometimes wish I didn't have the triggers that still linger. Yet, I also have so much that I now can be grateful for.

I am fortunate to have someone in my life that brings me a sense of calm that I now find need. It is not a case of they fill a void or complete a puzzle. It is simply that they enhance my life when they are around. There are moments that I wish I could have met them years ago before the whole MLC fiasco unfolded. Yet, I am aware of the fact that there are things I now look at very differently then maybe I did back then. I have learned a great deal.

I also am embracing the excitement of learning new things.

Life has taken a strange turn as of today. I spent 3 hours helping my mother balance her checkbook. That has never been something she struggled with at all. The fact that she asked me for help at all was a huge deal. It sort of threw me into a reality that this may happen more and more.

I may be having to make a choice about the gallery if my additional course gets approved at the college. It is a temporary assignment and one I will enjoy, but it means in all reality I would have to give up some of my hours at the gallery or perhaps take a break or quit. I am not all that conflicted about that idea, which is surprising. Maybe it is life telling me to let go of it - IDK. I am not making any decisions yet.

In the past, all of these unknowns might have made me really nervous. It is still scary, but perhaps that is part of the gift of MLC that has emerged. That was such a huge change in my life. It felt like the earth completely gave way under me and I was just dangling from a cliff never sure if I could climb back up or if I would lose my grip. I really am not sure how I ended up where I am now. Some of it seems like a blur, TBH.

Xh, or my "was-band" as my sister is now referring to him as, really has obliterated his relationship with D at this point. His relationship with S is not a whole heck of a lot better. It is there, but not in the same manner it was. I realized a long time ago that while I am sad it is the way it is, there is absolutely nothing I can do except maintain the relationship I have with the kids. I have bitten my tongue many times when I have sometimes wanted to say something to the kids out of frustration about their F. I don't most times.

I have destroyed some of the documents that were part of the divorce proceedings. I considered keeping them. Part of me wanted to let the kids see to what ends I went to protect them and keep them in the house, but I realized that it really was just a need I had. It would bring no positive changes to the situation. It would potentially open up old wounds or recreate the dynamic my in-laws created in their divorce, which I believe is largely part of Xh's FOO issues.

I strangely feel like this year, now into the 8th year since BD #2, I am ready to let more of that history go. I will keep my wedding photos and important moments so that the kids have some history. I find those photos feel almost like a lifetime ago. They don't make me sad or nostalgic. It feels for me as if it is someone I dated in high school or a long ago relationship that ended. For me, grieving it and treating it as if Xh died honestly was my best course of action. Certainly at one point I wanted something different - a different outcome. Maybe I just didn't have it in me to wait it out. IDK. Yet, I also am realistic about how things were unfolding. I would never have survived the financial aspects of what was going on. Digging out of that alone has been difficult. Xh didn't care that if I lost the house, etc. He was of the mind that I could just move in with my parents and the kids would be fine. He was hellbent on making some new life. At some point I had to wrap my head around that and quit thinking about the wishes and dreams I had. It was hard.

Now, looking back, I realize how strong I have become. It is not always perfect. Maybe it is the simple things like the dog snuggling me that makes me grateful for those simple moments.

[MourningDove]

I found out some news this past weekend that has me in a bit of an odd mood. It is really hard to even pinpoint a label for the emotion.

Last week had been a good week, albeit very hectic. I had a wonderful weekend leading up to last week. Combine that with classes going well and some other decisions I have made in regards, to my life, I was honestly in a really good place. Aside from fighting a cold that is still teetering between taking hold and behaving as if it is on its way out, I have really been feeling good. Tired, but a sort of exhaustion that comes with having accomplished a great deal. A satisfied type of tired.

This past weekend, I was making really good headway on projects I have been wanting to put to rest. The dog and I had gone for several walks with the nice weather. D was in good spirits. I saw S, briefly, as I had to run some errands and he was off to work on a side job. I saw him again before he left to go back to former SIL's house to continue his stint house sitting.

D had been working extra hours the past few days and it has been good for her. She needs the distraction, as she waits for replies from graduate schools. I was relieved to hear that she had been accepted to one program she had pursued, but had turned it down. I am grateful she opted out of that one, as I could hear the hesitation in her voice every time she spoke of it. There were too many things that didn't mesh with what she wants. I am hoping that she gets into this second program, but I am also glad that she has said she will be disappointed if she doesn't get accepted, but realizes that it may just mean a few more months off and working while she reformulates a plan. I will be surprised if she doesn't get in, but I am also realistic that it is a highly competitive program and they only accept a very small percentage. If she does get accepted it will mean she moves out in June and won't be far from home, but she would not be able to commute. It's a big leap. We will see.

She was on her way to work and had only been on the road a very short time, when she called. I could hear in her voice this wavering and that told me she was on the verge of tears. I thought maybe she had been in an accident. I took a deep breath and really did not expect to hear what she had to say. She was going to continue to go to work and try and distract herself, but BIL 2 called her to let her know that the other former BIL - #4 was in the hospital and it is really not sounding good at all. She didn't have details nor does BIL 2 at this point. Tests to be run, etc. D was grateful that BIL 2 let her know, but that comes with complicated emotions. Why hadn't her F called her?

I hung up and reached out to BIL 2 via text and simply told him everyone was in my prayers. S didn't know at that point, as I had just spoken to him right before D called. He was having a great day and enjoying the sunshine and warmer weather. He would have been a wreck had he known the news, as he is close to that uncle.

I found myself feeling very odd. BIL 4 and I had our issues after he had his own MLC and left his W. However, prior to even when the kids were born, he and I were actually very close - for years. I haven't seen him since my divorce. He was the first B of Xh's I met and we always got along. His W, I really liked as well. Xh and I spent many times with them both and their kids who were similar in age to my kids.

I am feeling bad for his kids and grandchild. I am also not really sure where I fit in this scenario. It is the first time in a long time that I feel like a true outsider and the only place I fit in this case is to be there for my kids.

I know this is going to send Xh into absolute orbit is my guess. He has not dealt well with his parents' passing nor his other two siblings. Jumping up and down on the grave the last round sums up where he is and from what little I do know, S has expressed concerns.

It is tough. I don't want to reconcile. I have feelings of compassion and sympathy for all involved, and yet, I know for most of Xh's family - I am still considered enemy camp. I don't want to be caught up in the crazy that comes with this. I think part of it is that I know the kids are going to be really having a hard time with this particular event. The other two uncles passing, while upsetting, were somewhat expected. There were long term illnesses and neither took care of themselves. This is different.

D stayed at work and it was good. She needed to keep busy. Last night the flood of emotions came out in some sadness, followed by anger, which made her lash out a bit at myself and her BF, who came late at night, even though he had already spent time with her. He was worried she would need a shoulder to cry on. We both pushed back. D was mad at me at first for reaching out to BIL 2 without telling her. I understand why, which is a complicated story and not worth retelling.

I explained to her rather firmly that she has to understand that I had a connection to this uncle way before she and S were even a wish. I had known this BIL since Xh and started dating, and S didn't come along until 4 years after we had been married, so it had been already 10 years of knowing BIL. By then we had formed a bond. I told her that it is hard for me to know what my place is. I didn't know if Xh knew or S and it wasn't my place nor did I have the full information to tell them. I told her I understood it was complex for her emotionally, because Xh should have been the one who had called her. I can't fix that. I excused myself for the evening and told her I loved her, but I was not the enemy and while I understood she was angry, I wasn't going to put up with it and her BF told her the same thing. She calmed down, but I excused myself and went to bed.

This morning, she apologized to me and gave me a hug. I told her all we can do right now is wait for more news and I told her that if need be, I would pay for her to go fly to be with BIL 2 and to be with the family. She thanked me and said obviously she has no idea what will happen, but she knows I am in her corner.

My feelings continue to be sort of that of shock. I am no longer Xh's person to come to for comfort, and that is not upsetting me, which is a feeling I never thought I would have. It isn't that I don't feel for him and it is sad. I would hate to think anyone is left with no one in their corner, but that is his own doing - and that is not some stubborn response on my part. It has taken me a long time to detach from that reality. And, I know I don't have it in me to be that person for him any longer. A very strange reality.

I think my feelings are that of how that BIL also upended his life and for what? His now X has moved on. He has 2 wonderful kids and a grandchild. IDK where he is in terms of the MLC trajectory. I know for a long time the relationship with his kids was very strained but it seemed like some mending had begun. Perhaps it is that part that is bothering me. I see my own D who has this non-existent relationship with Xh and it is his doing. No one kept him from the kids, which is a very different scenario. D has tried over and over and finally has set hard boundaries for her own mental health. I am here looking from the outside and seeing how someday this could be her own scenario where Xh is not well and nothing is resolved. Maybe it is seeing FIL's fate again that is stirring these emotions. He didn't make things right with Xh before he died.

IDK - it is just one very mucked up situation. I pray former BIL pulls through this. He was always at least a little more in touch with his emotions and I would like to have some hope that this is a wakeup call for him at the very least.

In the meantime, I am focusing on what I can control in my life. I walked the dog today and put up with her wanting to smell every blade of grass. Oh, sure it took double the time it should have, but maybe that is what I needed to clear my own head.

Part of my new or renewed promise to myself with some of my decisions is to build in time for things like walks and just time for myself to be creative and be inspired. The walk today really helped me to recharge. My feelings- those I am accepting are just in some weird, unexplainable area at the moment. And that is okay.

[FaithWalker]

That is tough MD.  I know I still very much care for many of my x-inlaws, but it is a different dynamic after divorce then it is for a death of our spouse, especially since we weren't the ones to want to separate from them all in the first place.

[MourningDove]

FaithWalker - I think I was really thrown by the strange emotions I was feeling. I was in shock, for one. Being a bit of an outsider in this situation was rough, but it was more of seeing how D was affected. She would not have known a thing had it been for BIL 2. And BIL 2 kept me in the loop as well, so that was thoughtful. It was never a case of him giving me specifics, but he did take the time to address me separately from the kids. It was never a group text situation, which I must admit in this instance, I appreciated.

The dynamic has D drawing more boundaries with Xh. She admitted she lashed out at me and her BF the first night. She had every reason to be hurt and angry and confused. I understand the situation was difficult for Xh, but he didn't have to call. He could have texted her. He told S, and S has not been around, so he assumed Xh had told D. I am grateful both kids know that it is not either of them creating the issues and they don't take it out on one another. For that, I am grateful, as I do not want to play referee. It is also different than what happened in Xh's family when his parents divorced. So far, neither of my kids have taken "a side". The kids and I often joke that the whole thing was a "effed up experience" and there were times when I certainly didn't not behave in a perfect manner. I will own the times when I reacted or behaved in a way I would be embarrassed to admit during that time period. I may have had my reasons, but it doesn't mean it was okay. And, I will admit to being human and imperfect overall. I am certainly aware of my own shortcomings that have nothing to do with MLC. They maybe were just more prevalent during that time.

The good news is, BIL made it through the surgeries and is at least out of the hospital. I don't know the prognosis. I suspect no matter what, there is going to be a long journey to any sort of real recovery, whatever that may mean. I am not pressing for those answers. I don't have that type of relationship with the in-laws at this point where it is really any of my business. I have to remind myself to treat this a bit like a caring friend, who is not necessarily supposed to be made aware of specific details. I have made my peace with that. I was grateful that BIL 2, at least was willing to talk to me and he certainly understands that I am not some horrible monster and I genuinely do care.

Beyond that, it has been busy with school and other matters.

D was accepted in to both programs she applied for. I frankly was not surprised. She heard from the first place, which at one point had been her top choice, but after several things kept bothering her about that particular place, she made the decision that it was not the right fit for her. They had nothing to do with the school per se, but more about what she wants out of her choice of schools. So, then came the waiting to hear from the other school. She was a bit of a wreck for a time, but she had decided that if she didn't get in it wasn't the end of the world and she could either reapply or apply to other places in a year and work more to save money. It was shortly after she had made up her mind that it was going to be what it was going to be, came the acceptance letter. Again, she is approaching it in a manner which I have to admit is really remarkable, considering she is so wired to have things be very planned. This plan she has come up with, is not her usual approach and it shows growth on her part.

She initially was nervous, because the program starts rather quickly. She decided to take some pressure off of herself, by making the deposit, which in this case is not a huge amount. She said if she starts to feel too much anxiety, she could defer for next year. The anxiety comes with how her student loans would fall into place. That in mind, she has scheduled her open house for those people accepted.

I was laughing when the next request came up. I immediately thought of Mark Twain and his quote -

“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

― Mark Twain

It would seem I have learned a great deal and suddenly D is requesting my assistance with this process.  LOL . D suddenly acknowledged that for one, I know a great deal about how colleges and universities work. After 35 years of being involved in academic settings, I should hope so. And, then OMG - she asked if we could go to the city where this university is, because I know that city very well - since I lived there while I was attending a nearby university. I just about fell over.

What all of this tells me is that D is planning on starting and she is ready.

The past few days though, there has also been another shift with D. She has always liked who I am with. That has never been the problem. The problem has been her abandonment issues have made it tough for me to find the right ways to merge this person into my life. I have not had them at the house for any real length of time. I am so grateful they are understanding and know that forcing D to accept things is not necessarily the approach. I have had to sometimes push back with D, but I am also keenly aware that she has fears, even when I am out with say people from work or my sister, she still worries I am going to pull Xh's MLC behavior. She realizes logically, that is not the case, but the triggers are there. I have had to remind myself of how long it has taken me to shake the triggers from that time period. So, it has been delicate. Those who have never experienced this type of divorce, just have told me to tell D that it is my life and my house. I know what their point is, and sometimes I have had to learn to be firmer, but not at the cost of creating a situation where D resents this person in my life either. It is not fair to them for one.

But ever since the university responded and D accepted, she has been bringing up this person. Regularly. I haven't reacted, only because I am not calling her out on this shift. It is an organic thing going on and it doesn't need me asking her to discuss it and dissect it with her. I think honestly, she is accepting she is going away and doesn't want me to be alone. She likes the reality that this person is good to me and she seems to indicate she feels a sense of security about it all. It may be because she is the one leaving and it is not abandonment. I will still be around.

Even when I discussed the upcoming weeks, where I will be away for a weekend. There has been no push back at all. She has happily said she will be with the dog and make arrangements if she has to work. She has in turn asked if there is a weekend she might be able to go away before she leaves.

In all of this, I am just shaking my head about Xh and this is another big decision in D's life he has missed. I will, as happened with both kids when they left for college be the one helping D move in. I will be the one who gets to have the headaches associated with it all, and on the flip side the joys that come along with it. The saddest thing about it all is that it is because of his own choices. No one has kept him from being involved but himself.

It brought me to thinking this morning, as I was in the house alone making my breakfast. I liked being married and in a committed relationship. I held on to such hope and wanted that reconciliation for a long time. I quit wanting that and this morning I wondered a bit as to why - and it was not because I am questioning where I am now, only because frankly I am really very happy with my relationship now. The truth in my case though was that Xh was such a monster and then the continued damage to his relationship with D in particular makes it so difficult to see any way where that would even be remotely possible. The other conclusion I have come to is that the MLC time period nearly shattered me. I was left to try and figure out who I still was, all the while trying to hold together things for the kids. The situation forced me to fix some of my own things - mirror work 101. It made me have to do things I never wanted to necessarily do. It boiled down to the experience has changed me. I am no longer who I was and the changes in my case, I don't see how they would ever work with Xh at all. My own changes would make that no longer a viable option, even if I were to factor in changes Xh might theoretically bring to the table.

I found it to be a comforting thought, tbh, this morning. I think because D going off again to pursue her education brought back the first time she left. That was a very different time period. I newly divorced and thrown into her last educational pursuits to deal with completely on my own all while trying to just stabilize the rest of things. Life is not perfect now, but I don't have that same feeling of chaos. It may be chaotic still, but if there are times where things are crazy at home, they aren't because Xh is leaving MLC landmines in our path.

[Reinventing]

Great post.

Is D getting a specialty masters in her field?

How is S's GF? Is she still in the picture?