[Reinventing]

I think that with the enormity of the pain post BD, it is hard to completely remove the fear of that level of pain. It is tied to a person, so perhaps hard to dissociate from that person even though their actions no longer cause pain (except through S and D).

[Treasur]

I think, in the same spirit as The Body Keeps The Score, some of us took so much damage that our system instinctively sees that person as a dangerous thing. Our head may know that this is probably no longer true, but our gut feels as if it is. And that’s uncomfortable but not unreasonable imho. Bc some of these MLCers waged a kind of war of attrition against us for years…in their efforts to ‘escape’ they attacked all the things we treasured most and the core parts of who we are relentlessly.

It’s not very rational but tbh even the idea of seeing my xh on the other side of the street makes me feel a bit queasy in my stomach even now. I am very grateful that he vanished lol. It isn’t rational, it isn’t a real active current fear, and my brain knows that, but it is sort of hardwired in me now even years on. It’s a kind of survival impulse I suspect…a ‘don’t go near the tigers’ thing. It may even be one of the markers of just how big and extreme and plain WTF this experience was…a million miles from a ‘normal’ divorce once the heat dies down imho. Can’t really explain that to anyone who hasn’t lived through it tbh, so I don’t even try. In my bones, whilst I don’t know if my then h actively wanted to kill me, it certainly felt that he was ok if that was the effect. Bizarre then, bizarre now. But I think that bit of my hind brain is simply doing what it thinks best to protect me from tigers lol. And that’s weird but also ok if that makes sense.

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor, Reinventing, Treasure-

The trust is not there - that is for certain. It might be in part because I haven't really spent enough time with Xh to believe there is any reason to believe it is possible. I drew my boundaries and that is okay - it has taken me a very long time to realize it is in fact okay to draw those for myself.

It is in part why there is not a "one size fits all" response when it comes to being the LBS. There are similarities in behaviors but then there are the variables amongst the MLCers and the LBS. We come into it with our own abilities to cope or with our own issues, etc. I had an MLCer who became a monster and while I didn't fear he would lash out physically, his words cut and his ability to gaslight was awful. His treatment of the kids has proven this was never just about the marriage.

While his monster seems to have retreated and I probably would be better able to cope with it if it appeared now, I don't want that in my life. And the monster was not always some horror story monster that appeared. Some of the worst monster moments came in the form of horrible stories spread and lies. It came in the way he no longer cared about anyone he once loved. He was out to destroy. That was worse than any yelling or screaming. Those moments left surface wounds, but the other moments cut way deeper.

It is hard to say if I would have hung in there longer if he had been a wallower or one that never left. I don't know how I would be now if he had been a vanisher. I used to believe that would have been easier, but in some ways, having seen the continued behaviors maybe helped me heal.

IDK if he will come out of it. I took my time and the longer it has dragged on, the more I wanted distance from the situation. It doesn't mean I don't have compassion, but it is also difficult to have the same compassion for the man he is now. He isn't the man I knew or was with - that person no longer seems to exist. If he reappears, I am not sure how I will feel. I do know I have moved on.

It comes back to that irrational fear. By the way, this is not same fear that requires the moat surrounding my house that I once wanted. It is just that I am really very happy with the way life is going. I have this desire to protect what I have and Xh blew up the happiness in the household with his crisis. Yes, there were problems here and there, but nothing insurmountable at the time if the crisis hadn't been part of the equation. At least from my perspective and others that were around at the time. Of course, that is not from Xh's perspective. Hard to say whether or not he felt that way. My guess would be that the desire to run really was crisis driven. Him driving by the house last week would suggest he hasn't really been able to let go completely, even if it is sheer curiosity.

I think it bothers me and upsets me because every time I have any knowledge of Xh or there are those encounters, it makes MLC still pop up, when I am trying to push it back in the past. I realize I will probably never be able to fully bury the MLC time period. The trick is to remind myself it no longer impacts me the same way. I wasn't rattled by his drive by. I shook my head when I realized it was him. It was a blip. What stayed with me longer was knowing how I protective I suddenly felt of my new relationship. If I mess it up or something else does that is one thing, but the MLCer does not get to disrupt my life the way he did before.

That was last week though. This week has been just a whirlwind of activities. This morning I woke up and looked at my calendar  and paused. Up until today, both my physical calendar and the calendar on my computer were a sea of different colors, indicating different color coded meetings, etc. Today, it has only one thing on it and that is for the college gallery noting who is the attendant for the day - since I am responsible for scheduling at the moment. I have things I should do and can do, but I have no place I have to be for the day.

It is a breather for me before the next couple of weeks. Next week will start off with a tiny bit of insanity in terms of more meetings and appointments, but then I will be getting away for several days. When I return, D is going away for a mini vacation and then she will be packing and preparing to move in.

S is housesitting for SIL again, but he has not been there every night. He has been here on and off. I had called to ask him a question on my way home and I heard a dog in the background. I wasn't sure if he was at our house or what. He was at Xh's, who decided since S was in the area, he would be out late and S was checking on the dog for him. Whatever - LOL. S asked me if D had any more news about college. I had just heard from D and they finally sent her move in time and date. When I shared it with S, he paused and asked wasn't that Xh's and my former anniversary. It is and we both laughed. Oh sure it is perhaps a coincidence, but there is a certain feeling of the universe having a bit of a sense of humor. A few years ago, that would have gutted me. Now, I wonder if it is a new memory to replace that date for me.

D will move in and my guess is, Xh will stay hiding from her. I will help D move in, like I did with both kids throughout their college experiences. I suspect this time, D's BF will come along and help or possibly S. The difference this time is D is better able to handle the dynamic with Xh. She no longer expects anything from him.

[UrsaMajor]

D will move in and my guess is, Xh will stay hiding from her. I will help D move in, like I did with both kids throughout their college experiences. I suspect this time, D's BF will come along and help or possibly S.

this is a good way to start a new phase in life - a send off of sorts with people that one loves and who love them.

The difference this time is D is better able to handle the dynamic with Xh. She no longer expects anything from him.

And THIS is simply sad. Another (and one of the likely last) bridges being burned. I suspect that, at some point, xH will regret his choices... He may not ever express it or make amends but he WILL regret it. I saw it with xMLCFIL when he died..... He couldn't communicate but he could hear what his kids were telling him and he had tears coming out of his eyes (although closed).

[MadLuv]

  And the monster was not always some horror story monster that appeared. Some of the worst monster moments came in the form of horrible stories spread and lies. It came in the way he no longer cared about anyone he once loved. He was out to destroy. That was worse than any yelling or screaming. Those moments left surface wounds, but the other moments cut way deeper

This is something I struggled with. The covert narcissist monster. Finding out things so out of character to what I would ever believe he would do or say. I had to come to the fact that they spew and dig in to anything to not be the monster that they have become. I also try to find compassion in that. I think they love everyday being them and thats their karma

I also believe no matter what, if you have kids it never truly can end. You can never move on in total. Even if they move, become vanishers.. the absence for your kids is ever present and as the remaining parent it is a heavy burden to try and some how be everything they need and thats impossible, because you cant replace that missing person for them in yourself .

I also believe my kids have no ecxpectations  of XH, but  the loss and pain is real for them.

[amazinglove]

I agree with you MadLuv but I have a slightly more positive spin on it.
Sometimes people are moved out the way.
Toxic, selfish, deceitful people may be better out of their lives.
No, we cannot replace them as a parent - esp if they were once kind and loving and our kids love and miss them- BUT we can rescue our kids and raise them away from that influence, modeling strength in the face of great adversity and showing enormous resilience like a BOSS.

[FaithWalker]

I am getting caught up and your XH is a douche canoe for thrifting that artwork of your F's.   

I am so glad that you were able to get it back!

Definitely his drive by seems purposeful.  I'm sorry that he is roaming your territory. 

[UrsaMajor]

I am getting caught up and your XH is a douche canoe for thrifting that artwork of your F's.   

OK, I am SO stealing this as a new term for various MLC'ers.... "Twatwaffle" and "Walking Richard Cranium with ears" were beginning to loose their punch....

[MourningDove]

UrsaMajor, MadLuv, amazinglove & FaithWalker - 

D seems to be holding her own at the moment. She was on my last nerve the other day with the stress of unknowns. They just released the loan information and I encouraged her to go meet with BIL who works in finance. I could walk her through it, but I knew she and I were at a butting heads point. My BIL has such a clear understanding of those big financial questions D might have and she would be better served with his more neutral approach. The truth is, I also was not in a mindset to deal with those questions without some agitation. I admit I have had a week of having to deal with some residual MLC BS on the finance end and I am not entirely sure I would have been able to hide my aggravation, even if D had no idea what it was over.

It was a good thing D went to visit my sister and her family anyways. They all wanted to see her before she moves and it gave D a renewed sense of knowing that there are so many people in her corner.

I am excited for D and I will miss her, but it is important that she follows this path.

[UrsaMajor]

I am excited for D and I will miss her, but it is important that she follows this path.

And it will be good for your own well-being too I think.... Kids are great to have around but at some point, they need to fly on their own. There is a German phrase that says that the parents are the bows and the kids are the arrows. We shoot them out and sometimes they loop around to see us once in a  while but they have to find their own path....