[amazinglove]

Wonderful post and so happy for you!
I hope I can get to a place like this- I recognize so many of these feelings! Looking back at my own marriage I do wonder if it was as good as I thought. There were so many hard times I went thru - a close friend’s death, COVID, an huge job decision etc and I felt alone in it.
I wonder if I could meet someone better than this. It’s been nearly 2 years and I wanted him back for so long- but I can’t imagine it anymore.
Your story gives me hope.
I worry about my daughter and her dad too. It’s easier for my son to accept him. But I’m doing my best to try and mitigate what damage I can.

[UrsaMajor]

Glad to read you again!

Ah yes, when the "end of semester "Oh $#!t! My grades are crap and I need to get to work' panic" sets in.... How many sets of poor little puppy dog eyes did you have to endure this year?

Sounds like you have a keep there with your "special person," especially with that event and him still going, even if D was not able to do it... Showing up is 2/3 of the battle really....

As far as xH goes... well ..... what can I say?

[MourningDove]

This summer has been a series of ups and downs. I am not even sure if I am up or down at this point. In limbo on many fronts, not a place I like to stay for too long. It is really quite triggering, tbh.

The ups have been moments of having someone around that just has been showing up continually and just spending time around them brings me a sense of calm just being nearby. I have had amazing adventures that perhaps some might consider adventures at all. Last weekend along with nights out and special events, perhaps some of my favorite moments were when we were out walking the dog for hours and letting her play in the lake. Or taking a walk along a path behind the house my grandparents owned and where my mom grew up. I could see the back of the house and lawn, which have been modified some, but are left very much in tact, like a planter full of flowers in the "urn" my grandfather made. I found out later what the flower pot was made out of and it made me laugh, as that is so like my grandfather to have been so creative and he was all about repurposing. It doesn't look anything like what it started out as, but once I found out it was the tub from an old fashioned washing machine, it makes complete sense.

All in all, it was a short weekend, but I had a full weekend the weekend before, which is unusual for us. It is in fact odd this weekend to not have anyone around.

There have been fun moments with my kids and my family. I have spent some time with friends on and off. I have learned about who some of my real friends truly are - the ones that know when I am putting on a brave face and check in and ask "what's up" without trying to pry if they know I am not ready to share or am processing. The people who step up and offer to help you in ways that you never imagined and not asking for a thing in return. One is someone I have only known a short time, but I stopped in their place of business today and they shared a secret with me that I know only their spouse knows. An idea and they wanted my input. It was nice to feel wanted and not needed, which has been one of the struggles this summer.

Being needed is on one hand a wonderful thing. That aspect where someone trusts you in their time of need to be there for them. Yet, it also is hard to maintain that all the time. My M and her many appointments is draining. My sister, her kids and my kids all pitch in, but the bulk falls on me on a daily basis. It lead to a mess in my own life because I have not made my own things a priority. It is being sorted out and who knows what the outcome will be - which is part of the limbo.

The bigger part is trying to give my dad a break and being the primary caregiver in essence is now weighing on me. I am not always as patient as I have been in the past. I find myself getting mildly irritated when my M behaves like a toddler in this new state she is in. It is not a constant issue, but it does occur and still shocks me. Then there are the moments that catch me completely off guard, when she starts tearing up at random points of the day and expresses sadness or being aware that she is not able to do things she used to.

My M was always very level headed and her moods were pretty consistent. She was very compassionate and could also express anger, but never extremes. My sister has mentioned this new more emotional side being shocking. It is a symptom of what is going on and we know right now the only thing we really can do is try to manage it and understand that it could stay at this level for a long time or we could see a change at a quicker pace. The doctor agrees with us that most likely when something dramatic in life happens it will trigger another slide, as has happened when she experienced a death of someone very close to her that was unexpected. WE know right now the goal is to keep her home as long as possible and work with her doctors to maintain where we are at for the moment and to keep her physically active and socializing, which help immensely.

The care is consuming and draining at times. I am not going to lie. I have had moments where this summer I have thought about how enticing it would be to just have that MLC moment myself and run away from it all. Of course, that is not in my nature and I would regret avoiding some of the hard stuff. It is just part of life. Yet, I also am realizing that need to allow myself moments where I can escape just for even half an hour to catch my breath is so important.

I am finding though that even in those moments where I try to grab some peace, I don't often get an uninterrupted moment. While at work today, dealing with an issue that needs a resolution and has involved a summer of phone tag, another emergency arose. I was able to deal with it and solve it, but in that moment, I felt like asking the universe when was I going to get some relief. And, just as I had that fleeting thought, my M called and left 3 messages in a row, wondering why I wasn't home yet. I finally called her and had to explain that I was safe but had to work a bit later. It didn't affect her day, as she was out with my F, but she has a need now to know where I am. It is draining.

I ended up meeting them for dinner, which has become a Friday night ritual now. I am apparently now "a regular" and the waitress knows exactly what I am going to order because it is consistent and when I go with my parents to this place, it is just easier to keep it simple for everyone. In prior years, we would go out different places, and I might be a bit adventurous, but my M gets anxious going new places now. IDK, maybe it is also just a point where I am too tired to think by the time Friday rolls around. And, the meal is always consistent. I just laugh thinking how I have joined the ranks of the other older people who are there by 4:45 pm. LOL

D finally got her car back after 2 months. It was another part of the summer stress. Between negotiating with the manufacturer and ordering parts and having to borrow money from my F to pay for it at the time, it was a bit much. It was hard to ask him for the loan, as D was stuck waiting on her scholarship to clear and had to pay for her tuition. She had money saved up, but I also knew she would have living expenses and she couldn't go to work without transportation. My F was more than willing to loan the money and let us pay it off without interest. He knew neither D nor I wanted it to be given to us.

All the while, Xh was aware of what had been going on, as he was quick to comment when S was on the phone with him one night. We were in the kitchen and Xh commented to S that we should mention this or that when we called. Now, I know, one might argue Xh was trying to be helpful. Perhaps. And as I have said before, it is not about the money. That is not what gets under my skin. It is that he told S that he doesn't have a daughter. It is that he knew the predicament D and I were in and he made no efforts to reach out to her. D has told me that she won't accept him just showing up and brushing it all under the rug. She is not beyond repairing things, and she is not about punishing him, but she has been very clear that she needs to have some very frank discussions. Two years of not speaking to her is not going to just magically get wiped away with a phone call. The fact that he refused to go to a picnic this summer because she would be there was very telling. He made sure everyone knew "he was doing it for her, so she wouldn't be uncomfortable". I know him well enough to know that is a BS answer. That was him playing the "aren't I a great guy" card. It is a side of him that appeared full on in MLC that is not one of his finer qualities. 

And then tonight, he played that card again and it did not go over the way I am sure he thinks it did. My F has been kind and he ran into Xh a couple of months ago. He made small talk and was pleasant. They were insanely close in the past. My F has closed that door and has expressed his fondness for the new man in my life for a variety of reasons. My F is very careful to not say bad things around S or D for that matter about Xh. He knows Xh is not who he was and the fact that Xh treats D the way he does is not going to somehow be wiped away by some seemingly generous action on Xh's part.

S met us after dinner to say goodbye to my parents before leaving on a week's vacation. We were at the ice cream stand and S has been working on helping my F do some repairs on his classic sports car. S mentioned as he was doing some of the work that since he had to pull the engine to get to other parts that perhaps rebuilding things and replacing gaskets etc while it was apart might be wise. So, my F agreed and S found out from Xh that there was someone who specializes in race car rebuilds who could do some machine work and replace the head gaskets. So S brought it there a couple of weeks ago. The part is ready to pick up and it is not a cheap endeavor, but my F asked how much he needed to give S. S paused and said Xh is paying for it. The look on my F's face must have mirrored mine with a "excuse me, say that again" look. S was not jovial about it, which means he has the same feeling as we do about this, as in WTF is that about. After S left, my F quietly said to me that while he would like to think it was sincere, he isn't so sure, but he also is bothered by it because my F doesn't need the help but hey, Xh has a D that does need her F. My F has been the surrogate F figure for both kids now for 10 years or more. He doesn't ask for anything in return and he loves the kids. This gesture of Xh's is curious.

For one, it comes on the coattails of some other developments in his family dynamic. It also comes after Xh is fully aware that I have had someone around and am enjoying life. Mid week last week, before my company arrived, S was at Xh's. He had forgotten to tell me he was staying there for the night and we were talking about the upcoming weekend. I mentioned my plans and I could hear Xh in the background making comments that indicated that he was clearly listening intently. Things like, "oh tell your M to try this restaurant" but the comments were shared in such a manner that indicated that he was digging for information.

Is Xh coming out of the tunnel? IDK. I once hoped for that. Now, I spend little time wondering. If he does, I hope he figures out how to work things out with D. I realize more and more that I moved on a long time ago. I had a conversation with my person, and we both have ascertained while having each other in our lives certainly makes it even more reason to not want to go back to our respective X's, the truth is, we both have moved on and changed. The relationships that were are gone and starting over with Xh for me certainly is not something I want nor could really embrace. I am realizing more and more that I am a person who gives people many chances, but once a line is crossed, I don't allow access. I won't be mean nor will I seek revenge. I will be civil, but I don't allow someone to get terribly close if they cross that line. It is not about forgiveness or allowing someone to change. I can accept maybe people grow and learn from their mistakes, but once the line has been crossed (and it takes me a long time to get to that point) then I just put up a protective force field. It is something I know is deep in me.

I am fiercely loyal, but equally stubborn when it comes to lines being crossed.

I am not going to waste hours trying to analyze it. It is odd.

[UrsaMajor]

That whole xH thing going on there is .... well ....... "interesting."

But, you are right that it is not worth wasting the energy to even try to figure it out... Easier to taste green with your elbow 

[FaithWalker]

I'm sorry about your M's struggles MD.  It's so tough isn't it?  I feel you on that one for sure.

Reading about XH and the paying for your F thing, seems here from the cheap seats that he's throwing money at the "problem" and trying to worm his way back into your F's "good graces", only money is not the way to get back into your F's good graces, again, my view from the cheap seats.

[MourningDove]

It is funny, I have been thinking about when I first posted here many years ago. At the time, I was just treading water on good days. I didn't want a divorce and had all intentions of hanging in there - how long could Xh be in crisis? Slowly, I came to realize I had to save myself and the kids because Xh wasn't climbing on any lifeboat. He was on some journey to who knows where.

My one aunt told me that I needed to grieve my Xh as if he had died. She, if anyone truly understood. Most people I befriended here also understood. I realized for me, it was no longer about standing, it was about how to survive and if Xh came back around, perhaps we would someday reconnect. That was, unbeknownst to me at the time in my power as to whether or not I would hold out hope or move on. Accepting I couldn't control what Xh did or didn't do was a big step in taking control of my own life.

The divorce was finalized nearly 10 years ago and now I cannot imagine a life with Xh. Not the version I see before me now. I have seen him and heard from him, although frankly, I wish I didn't. It is a difficult dynamic, as S is in contact with him and I do not want to create issues for either kid. I tolerate the contact from time to time, but it leaves this tiny "gossamer thread" as my one LBS friend used to call it. I do have more control though and I don't engage deeply because it isn't healthy for me in the long run. And quite frankly, while I am in a very secure relationship now, I refuse to let Xh insert himself into my new life.

Xh is still on some strange path. Maybe it is the path he was meant to be on - IDK. I don't quite believe that. I really believe in God having a plan and life tests us along the way, but I also have come to believe in God giving us free will. When Xh refused and continues to refuse to face his demons and creates more issues, it is hard to believe he is facing any of life's tests and just engages in his own free will, no matter how destructive it is. He has not spoken to D in nearly 4 years and has told S he doesn't have a D. S has been troubled by the comments and has pulled back significantly in his own time with Xh. There have been so many moments that have been easy "ins" with D and Xh instead just repeats with her, his own dynamic he had with his F. D has created boundaries and has grieved him as if he has died, but it still hurts when her birthday rolls around and he is sending me pics of S on a trip they are on together, with strange commentary, as if he and I are buddies. It is very hard to not lash out and react with Xh, but I know it is better to just say "thank you" and leave it at that. I don't engage beyond that.

Over the years, the relationship I am in unfolded in ways that make no logical, "on paper" sense. So much so, that I believe the universe kept throwing us back together beyond just being friends along the way. Because their situation seems so similar, it was what drew us together. I had so much to be grateful for during those hard years, as he was one of the few people who understood and would push me. There were times along the way that were not easy, as we both were figuring out what came next in our own lives. Somehow, the universe or God intervened in some odd ways and we have found ourselves knowing that life without one another is not something we can imagine. If I were to have said that 10 years or more ago, I would have told myself that wasn't possible. Six years ago, I would have not completely believed I would trust and feel so secure.

It hasn't been all unicorns and rainbows. The past few months in particular have been difficult. My M required more care. While she was not dealing with full memory loss and was at home, the day to day care fell primarily on me to help my F with. Little things that took so much time and energy. The saddest part was that she knew she had a form of dementia that was a bit more unpredictable in that it sometimes affected her memory more and other times it might be physical. Some days we laughed about it, but based on the initial diagnosis, I knew in my heart some event was going to be around the corner. The doctor had warned me that my M would probably be fine and stay stable for some time, but there would come an event that would probably be significant. I was preparing myself as best as I could.

January, I had to have surgery that involved my achilles, so I was already out the gate frustrated with knowing recuperating was going to be a slow process. Today was the first 4 mile walk I have been able to take after loads of PT. It is better than it was last year in terms of pain, but it didn't start my year of exactly on a high note. Yet, there was this man who just adapted and took me places and helping me waddle along with a boot and being mindful of how many steps I could go over the past few months.

March would bring the event that changed everything with my M. Ambulances and then ICU for a week, followed by the hospital for an another and then rehab for another couple of weeks. The changes were so noticeable. Part of me was grateful she no longer realized she had dementia. She was never coming home, that I knew, no matter how much improvement she seemed to show at times. And then without warning, one morning they called while I was teaching to tell me that they were rushing my M back to the hospital. It lead to a week in hospice and a day before my birthday, she passed away. The sadness still hasn't really hit me and for a long time, I didn't know if it was guilt or some trauma response or if it is that I have been slowly grieving. I struggled to reconcile who she became the past few years with who she was. Similar to crisis in that regard. It is slowly coming back - the memories of what she was like. My focus now has been my dad and helping him with this huge adjustment. He is very self sufficient, but he just turned 89 and M dying has left this giant hole in his life.

My kids were devastated. S is planning on moving into my parent's house and that is helpful. D is still finishing her PhD, so she has been pushing forward. It hasn't been easy on either of them. When M died, Xh reached out to S and to me. D heard nothing from him via text, etc. He sent me this long "heartfelt" text and quite frankly, it didn't bring me any peace or stir any emotions in me. It was honestly very odd for me. I suspect it was sincere, but it didn't bring me any comfort at all. Then when I realized he hadn't even sent D a text saying "so sorry about Nana" - I thought how hard can it be to do that? A text was the easiest form of communication he could have sent and yet, he avoided that as well.

Meanwhile, in all this time my own relationship seemed to be just on this weird plain, because I think I have been a bit numb. Yet, the thing that struck me is this man was there at every bump. He took my dad places while I was at the nursing home with M. Sat with me at the nursing home. Has been there no matter what and just being there at every turn. I realized that it has been that way over the years and he has been the one who shows up consistently. He is the one that puts up with my crazy spur of the moment adventures. We laugh all the time and even when we had a what I guess could be called an argument, although that doesn't quite fit, the thing was we both took some time and then worked through it. No running. No blaming. Just met each other midway and worked through it. It completely solidified for me what I have known for quite a long time now. I trust this man and feel a security I am not sure I ever truly felt with Xh.

I did love Xh, but now looking back I also always had this realization that he had some baggage that he wasn't addressing. I knew that the moment we started dating. I just had no idea he would avoid it to the point of becoming this odd version of himself. This version of him is here to stay, according to D's assessment. She believes he is going to keep following the same path FIL took. Even if I wasn't in a relationship, I know Xh, even if he came back would not be an option for me. I have changed too much and I don't trust him at all. Based on the things I do know, he is still chasing things and trying to put a bandaid on his issues. OW is still in the picture from what I gather. Maybe they are blissfully happy - IDK. Even if they are, it is not something that bothers me in the great scheme. He made his choice.

Most days, I don't think at all about Xh, TBH. Instead, I smile when I know this new man is at work and sends me a text just to say hello. My M would giggle when I would get those texts because she always knew. She said to me right before she went into the hospital she was glad I had someone in my life and knows he is a good man. D has warmed up to him immensely in the past few months, which has been huge. D would have given any man a hard time. S, he has always been a fan and a couple of weeks ago asked me when I was going to have him move in with me. I was a bit shocked and S said he wished I would. The cats have accepted him and well, the dog - she sees him and it's like I don't exist. LOL.

Twice last week, my F ran into him while they were both out and about. They had coffee the one day and my F has said over and over how much he enjoys spending time with him.

Ten years ago, I was a puddle on the floor and didn't see this outcome. Now, I am asking this man and I are having conversations that are all about our future together and making plans. I would have told someone 10 years ago that they were crazy and I would never be able to love or trust anyone else ever again. I was so wrong.

[xyzcf]

I am sorry about the loss of your mother. My mom also had dementia for 12 years. She passed away 4 months after BD and I was such a mess back then that I feel I never really grieved her...or maybe that grief was mixed in with the grief of my marriage ending. She deserved better than that from me.

I was very happy to read about your relationship and the ability to trust someone again. I wish you both continuing happiness! He sounds like a really "good man".

I nodded while reading your post. The person my husband became was not at all the person I knew. Although he did keep in touch minimally with our daughter, it was not a very good relationship....and her wounds will be there...she has healed some of them, but I think we both carry something that changed us, and will always be a part of who we are.

Thank you for writing your story here. Not many people understand what we have gone through or how it has affected us.

My therapist uses the term "post traumatic joy"....

"Why Reconnecting With Joy Matters

Joy doesn’t take away trauma, but it eases its hold. It opens space for healing, growth, connection, and self-discovery. Joy isn’t a luxury — it’s essential. It helps calm the nervous system, build resilience, and bring meaning back into life. Survivors deserve more than just surviving. They deserve rest, love, beauty, passion, and moments that make life feel full again.


Reclaiming pleasure does not mean forgetting the past. It means expanding your emotional world so the past no longer steals the richness of the present.


Healing is not fast, and it is not linear — but it is deeply possible. With support, intention, and compassion, the capacity for joy can return, slowly at first, and then more freely.

You deserve not just to survive, but to feel alive again."
Maria Diaz is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in NY, NJ, and CT

The past year, my husband returned to our home very sick and he passed away in Dec. Although I will never regret the 6 months he stayed with me, and I feel it was a gift to be able to care for him, unfortunately it has caused me to return to the darkness and depression that I suffered from for many years post BD. It takes time, I know that ....and life is always going to have both joy and sadness.

This community has always been important to share our lives openly and honestly. Thanks for sharing yours!

[Treasur]

I am very sorry for the loss of your mother for all of your family. I always liked the sound of both of your parents and your mum sounded like a peach of a human.

[Nas]

I also am sorry for your loss, M. Your posts have painted a picture of your mother over the years that makes me happy for you that you had her and she had you.