[MadLuv]

Long rambling journal of my thought 3 years after BD2

3 years ago today my XH over text while traveling for work told me he wasn't coming home. After 29 1/2 years of marriage. When I look at where I was  when he left and the mountains of information that has been revealed since I can really hardly believe that I survived all this without ending up in a padded cell of one. This journey has been insanity to say the very least. I have journaled my truth from my roller coaster of feelings to my adamant feelings of survival that cycled  and have not held back.

So, what have I learned in 3 years??

 What I thought was happening or who I married was not who he was at all. He lied to me for a decade of my life. A decade that I will never get back. I feel humiliated by the betrayal not only to me, but our children and grandson, extended family, friends, coworkers…. The list goes on.  I thought I married the sweetest kindest man, ever!!! I married a weak and flawed man. I was not oblivious to this. I knew it always, but all this confirmed to me that he was much weaker than I could have imagined. It is still hard to accept that a person can walk away and just restart their life. That is insane to me still.

I feel I picked the wrong man in life. To have children with. To build a life with. I do not know who he is, nor would I if talking to someone that told me my own story believe that this person could have ever loved them deeply and cause this much destruction and deceit.  I still struggle with what all his issues may or may not be.

Definitely identity crisis, definitely emotional immaturity….but also we lost a child, he lost his father 3 mths later, high pressure job, diabetes, low testosterone, periones disease ( ED needing medical intervention) , turning 50. There are so many things that came about to throw him into turmoil.

So where is he now??
Lied to us all that he married for almost a year. Once that was revealed his relationship with his kids completely started to fall apart. Not due to them, but he pulled way back and has now mostly disappeared.  He hasn’t seen his kids or grandson in 2 years. He was fired from his job 6 mths after he married OW, but only 3 mths after she moved in with him ( they did not live together after they married)  He took a position in another state a few months ago and his wife/OW has not moved with him. She remains with one of her adult daughters back in our condo we bought in another state for his job and he is living alone in a completely different state. They commute on weekends.

He is repeating all the things he did with me as he fell apart. The difference is that it is now in warp speed. He is still spending tons of money. Throwing himself in work. I think getting back to a position of power is his most important goal. We do not talk. I cut off communication 6 mths ago and even then we were sporadic in our dealings. I still have so much financial agreements with him that even cutting off communication has been difficult as I do need to address things with him, but I find that I just don’t want to talk to him at all. So, I am using a lawyer right now. Which he has not responded to. He does this to force communication.

He still has no real contact with his mother and brothers. A text here and there. His mothers recent health scare did prompt a call, but xBIL said they didn’t expect it to go any further. Who knows??? I have been in close contact with his family and mostly his youngest brother, but I have decided to pull back on that as well. It just reminds me of the turmoil.

I still struggle at 61 to decide what I want and where I am going. I was laid off last February in a massive company restructuring and haven’t found a new position. Some how I am still ok, but also a little lost. My family is still fractured. My daughter and my relationship is so fragile and no matter what I do it is too much or not enough. My breathing seems to annoy her. Its confusing. My son and I are fine, but he quit his job after his Dad was fired ( same company) and he has not been able to find a job since and its been almost 2 years.

I think this holiday season I am going to skip it all. I feel I have put everyone before me my entire life and I feel a little used and unappreciated in many ways and I am going to start focusing on ME. Being okay with the loss of traditions and the “perfect” family. That is definitely gone. I have owned all my flaws to my XH, kids, extended family. Now, I just want to focus on me and where my final chapters in life bring me.

Move or not move?? I just can’t truly figure out exactly where I want to be. This is going to be a year of figuring that out. Stepping way outside my comfort zone. Getting out in the world. finding what I want and enjoy again as a single person. I think I will remain single. I do think this has been way to much deceit to ever trust someone again, but maybe??

I just can say that this has calmed me as a high strung person. I do miss my intact family beyond words. I miss cooking and traditions, but there is also freedom in letting go of that idea of perfection and the pressure of that life as well. I feel there is no lower that I can go and only a way up from here.

The most important thing after 3 years is that I know he is not living his best life and nor is OW/ wife. I think they use each other. I have no real insight into how there life is, but when he says he is miserable, feels in constant distress, no sense of home, etc. I believe him. I dont think he feels that 24/7 but I do think he realizes that he is not only not better off, but in a worse position than before. He remains stuck.

As he said in our last interaction, he is doing what he thinks he has to do. In the end that is a selfish place to be when you don’t see or talk to your own kids. I want no part of someone that can continue to hurt our kids and me for that matter. He has not had any real growth yet. I don’t know that he ever will. When BD1 happened in 2018 he said, I can’t talk about it. If I do I will not survive . That continues to be where he is. Run, Hide, Escape.

[KayDee]

Such a thoughtful and (I hope you know this) inspiring update. I resonate with so much of what you have written and you seem to look at things with very clear eyes now. I think you probably know a lot of the whys, but quite rightly don't understand them. If you could understand, then you would be more like your ex and not the resilient you. I often think when I read our stories on this forum, it's a bit like the hare and tortoise, not the race part, but forward movement. The LBS tortoise  but we do what it takes to heal. We get IC, we ask for help from friends and family, we take up mindful activities. We come here, to this forum. We don't flail around damaging people. And slowly we move forward in learning and personal growth.

Something that struck me:

I feel humiliated by the betrayal not only to me, but our children and grandson, extended family, friends, coworkers….

This is how you feel, but he actually humiliated himself.

Thank you for sharing this from further down the tortoise path 

[xyzcf]

Rebuilding my life, a life that is more difficult than the life I had when we were married is a work in progress. I do not have any family living near me. I have good friends, they care about me and I can rely on them if I need something…but I tend to be totally independent, trusting myself more than I do anyone else. My friends are all women, there is no male energy in my life.

I have contact with him but I prefer not to know anything about his life. So our conversations are mainly about the times we spend together as a family and superficial fluff. It is better for me not to give my thoughts to if he is happy or not, if he regrets or not, at this point, many more years than you, I really cannot make those assumptions. He has had way too much space in my head and my heart, I limit that greatly now.

The destruction of our family was terribly hard. Everyone in the family is hurt by this, including extended family and friends. For each of us, trying to figure out how to create a “ new” family, new traditions…and during this holiday season, it is even more difficult to feel the “spirit” and the loss of those traditions, those moments when we have that family unity, sometimes just taking for granted until it is lost…..of course it is a loss….and the emptiness is there.

All the decisions in life, that we made together, are now on our shoulders alone.
To move or not to move is a big decision, many pros and cons. Some people wants a new and fresh start, some find the familiar to be more comforting…..each time I contemplate moving home, my inner voice tells me to stay.  I find listening to that inner voice is my best compass.

As we so often say, it takes time. It took me a very very long time to get my life together…but I do not thinking it can be rushed. It will take as much time as it takes.

I like what KayDee wrote:

I often think when I read our stories on this forum, it's a bit like the hare and tortoise, not the race part, but forward movement. The LBS tortoise  but we do what it takes to heal. We get IC, we ask for help from friends and family, we take up mindful activities. We come here, to this forum. We don't flail around damaging people. And slowly we move forward in learning and personal growth.

[Reinventing]

He has had way too much space in my head and my heart, I limit that greatly now.

Yes, that limiting headspace helps us heal. Back in the day when I was working on retraining my brain--redirecting it from its habit of thinking about him--I would say out loud, "you aren't paying rent, so I'm not giving you room in my brain right now."

Of course I had to say that many times over since retraining the brain takes a lot of repetition. The brain is apparently a very stubborn organ.

[MadLuv]

Thank you Kaydee, XY,  reinventing 

Quick journal.

I have been trying to find where I want to move. I found this amazing place a kittle over 3 hours away. It just had the feel I was looking for, but still can’t seem to know what to do and my home of 35 years of belongings is overwhelming thinking about sorting and downsizing it all. Parting with it and the loss of hope and memories the house holds ( including the last place our 14 year old daughter lived before her unexpected death)  I have a friend/acquaintance that is also my realtor
And kept thinking I should call her.

Well, I booked a hair appointment and she called me. Last time I talked to her personally was 2 years ago. I she asked how I was doing and what all has happened since we last talked. I went through all that has happened and to hear myself tell the story and hear her reactions was something. It’s funny( in a not so hahah way) that she said. “ you know last time we talked you told me. I had to divorce him and secure what money I can. Save as much as I can of what we built, because he has lost his mind. He is going to blow through money, probably marry someone quickly and disappear” she said, “you know him. You were spot on. Even in his confused state you still knew him” 

Anyways, she I shared the house I was looking at. We made plans for her to come to my house and see about putting it up for sale and also I told her what I want and am looking for and if that is closer to where I am that would be amazing. She is going to start looking for me. She said, “ we are going to get you your freah start for 2024!”

So, we shall see where this leads. I love my house and I dont feel trapped in the memories, but I do feel moving will help me feel like I am moving forward from what was to what is.

[MadLuv]

It has been a couple months and felt a need to journal a bit. Next month it will be 3 years since his divorce and right now I am 3 years  2 months since BD2. I have been NC with XH since last May, so 8 mths. He got a job promotion in August and moved to a new state without OWife, but he recently bought a very very nice 2700sq ft house. He has not sold the condo that we had and they had been living in another state.

 I have been pretty detached, but still feel a little loss on direction in my life and I have to say it is hard to know that with all the destruction he is able to move up in a new company and  have multiple Homes and cars. Seems like he is  not living any consequences for the pain he has caused. His SD26 is pregnant with a son due in April and so he will be a new grandfather even thou he is not one anymore to his own. He bought a 4 bedroom house. Enough for each SD to have a bedroom when visiting , but still has no relationship with his own.

I sometimes feel like I am in a lifetime movie that is ridiculous and surreal. I have a friend from  the age of 14 ( we are now 61) that lost her husband to death. She just sold her house and is in a new relationship and she contacted me as she was struggling on if she was in the right relationship and was it fair to him because she would never love him as much as her husband of 40 plus years.

She contacted me because she said, you are the only one that would understand because you lost your H. Not to death, but in some ways worse. She said we are forced to change direction and let go of a past in such a shocking way and it doesnt feel right moving forward with your past unresolved. I said, your husband left but not by choice and thats unfair, but he left and loved and you have that. Mine left and has made a choice to harm and disrespect his life and family and it is not something my worse enemy would do. Yet, we both have to accept the loss and find a way to move forward as they are both gone.

My XH told me at a little over a year ago “ I’m the worst person I know”  I told him at the time that he had made some bad choices, but wasnt a bad person , but I have to say MLC or not he is the worst person I know now. I don’t know anyone that I have ever associated with that would do the things he has done to me .Identity crisis or not. In the end it is just extremely painful to know someone you loved for decades could harm you for so long.

But… I have lost a daughter to cancer, a daughter and grandson as she has been not allowing communication since she detached from her father. So it is just my son and I. So, much loss and  the only thing I can say is that I continue on. I know I cant control it, but the LBS is just such a loving and compassionate person and  it continues to be hard to understand why we were dealt these cards.

Probably a lot of rambling, but it has been a slight dip in the road . It continues to be hard to pick a direction to travel when you cant fully let go of a life you thought you were going to live and I do think at  61 it plays a huge factor on feeling like life is passing you buy and you dont have time to waste, but you cant rush or ignore your healing .  For me the hardest part is that he has done so much damage to our kids and family. I think that if we were all in tact his absence really would be ok, but my D32 has not handled any of this well and we all continue to be the fall guy for her pain and I am mad that he left me with his damage.

What I will say is 99% of the time I stay positive and have fun and just try not to look back, but there are still these moments that sting and I think in some way they may always come back to bite us here and there to remind us that this happened and we are human because it hurt.

[xyzcf]

Glad to hear your update MadLuv.

I am so so sorry that your daughter has distanced herself from you. I hope she soon comes to realize what a good mother she has.

It is hard for our kids, no matter how old they are. This destroys a part of them as well.

I have not met one man in 14 years who I have been attracted to or found interesting...lol...I think it just wouldn't work for me and so they do not appear, although I have some male friends..I .have never gone on a dating app as I have heard too many horror stories and really cannot imagine meeting someone that way.....it is lonely at times and most of my friends are married...but I have a good life...quite busy actually. I am also 69 years old...and really had 35 years of a complete and loving marriage so it would be hard to top that.

And, I do have a "relationship" with my husband We do things as a family so that is precious to me and we see one another at times, get a text from him once a week and once again, very grateful for not all situations turn out this way. Quite honestly, I have never stopped loving him.

May this New year bring you peace and clarity...an time to let go of the concerns and issues that clutter your mind and heart.

[MadLuv]

Thank you XYZCF- You really are so fortunate to have that relationship and I am sure sometimes that is also a painful reminder of what is lost since you still love him so. I would have loved that and I tried to be his friend, but  who he is married to has made that impossible.  I did tell him if he every left her then I could be his friend. I think your XH still shows love and respect to you and that is not a small thing. I think mine financially did right by me but emotionally has not dont right by his family who has already had a devastating loss.  That makes it hard. With that said, the house purchase was hard to see, even though I knew it had to come. So, it gave a dip to my head. Most of the time I am fine alone and dance and sing in the car. II have had men approach me and I can see where I may at one point be open, but then when I think long term I am also like you. I made a choice and a vow and not sure I can do that with anyone else.

[xyzcf]

I would not have this relationship with him if there was any hint of an OW, certainly not if he married someone else. Each person is different but that would hurt way too much.

There are all kinds of relationships that posters write about and I think that is important for newer members to see that there is not one set way to proceed. Most of all, to follow what is right for you, your situation and your family.

We actually get along quite well and I am much more relaxed about being with him.

I have to say it is hard to know that with all the destruction he is able to move up in a new company and  have multiple Homes and cars. Seems like he is  not living any consequences for the pain he has caused.

Sometimes the message on HS is that what they have done will catch up to them and they will "pay" for what they have done. But that is not always the case. My husband continued to be very very successful...this did not have the impact on his career or finances that it did on mine.

But, I still have a comfortable life, living in my home with the birds, the rabbits, the squirrels and the occasional coyote. Aging is giving me some times of sitting up and doing things now, because as you said, there are less years left than more.

Your positive attitude will and has always got your through. I sometimes get "down", especially the loneliness...it's much better now that I can resume the activities I love which I could not do during COVID.

One day at a time...we really do not know what the future holds.

[MadLuv]

I should correct. He did have consequences. He was fired from his job of 35 years and was unemployed for 9mths, but since  a year ago he has bounced back with his new job and financially. I do think that he probably is throwing everything into rebuilding his new career as they do need that for their ego. I felt sorry for him for so long, but I don’t anymore. He seems to be doing just fine, except the company he keeps.  I don’t see much of what is happening with him Not do I ask, so I think this little knowledge coming was just a little jolt, but nothing sticks anymore.