[Keyser77]

Thanks again everyone for your responses. 

Its hard reading some of your posts.  The thing is, I want this to work out even with all of the damage done.  I almost wish that I didn't and I could just move on.  Where are the success stories of people that were able to work it out?  I know Hearts Blessing's story but it seems like person after person has went through a divorce.  The return stories are old and nothing recent. 

[thissucks7788]

Keyser77--  You asked for a success story-- so we will see if mine is long term but here it is... My H did return, but I think he may have had more of a midlife transition since he returned after about 7 months. (He has been home/back together for about a year now) I don't know if I'll be in for another BD in the future, but for now all is well.  I think the best thing I did was let him go.  My H had an EA and he was sure he was going to ride off in the sunset with her.  I helped him leave and found him an apartment because I wanted him out of the house (I know some people prefer and try to have them stay but I know for me, I wanted him out).  I was pleasant and short with my interactions and almost never initiated them.  I started to work on my own things (got a new job, started playing tennis again with a group, made a few new friends).  Of course, I cried rivers especially in the beginning and the whole thing was so very painful. Try to portray strength in front of them even when you don't feel it.  They don't have too much feeling/empathy for you at this point.  The self-absorption is off of the charts.

But- reconciliation can happen (although you should try to move forward like they're never going to return).  Getting back together does have its own set of pitfalls, but that is a different story.   

Keep posting here and know this group understands. It was a total lifesaver.
B

[xyzcf]

The thing is, I want this to work out even with all of the damage done.    Where are the success stories of people that were able to work it out? 

Many success stories are archived and not available unfortunately...at least I don't know how to unlock them.

Divorce does not necessarily mean that there will not be reconciliation later. Heart to Heart was divorced, had an annulment, both she and her spouse were in other relationships...he returned after 7 years and they remarried several years ago and are doing great!

However, as much as it is tempting to read return stories, each situation is different and there is no way to predict which couple will still be together down the road.

Here are the links to return stories that people have posted since 2010.

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

I almost wish that I didn't and I could just move on.

I have been able to "move on" and still have hope that one day we shall be together again. That does not hold me back from following my dreams, engaging in life to the fullest. I don't date and for plenty of reasons....but as my friend Heart to heart found out that did not stop her husband from finding her.

Often people do not post much after several years so it's impossible to tell how many posters reunite...the main thing...is not to focus on that as the only thing that will bring joy back into your life.

[9393roo]

Keyser,

Here is my story in a nutshell.  I'm 7.5 years past BD.  My H stuck around in replay for a good 3-4 years causing a big path of destruction along the way.  The last 3 years have been a cycle of some sorts of some back and forth behaviors, the last year has been a solid attempt to reconnect from both of us.  My H never moved out.  He was a "roommate" of mine for years (more like a crazy uncle on an extended visit most times) It took me a good 2 years to let him go and start living my own life.  He was there in the background but I did my best to detach from his insanity.  Most of his replay antics happened in a town he had to travel to so it wasn't always in my face.  I questioned him plenty and all I got in return were lies.  For the first few years he told me the EA was not a PA until I got and STD. (A whole other layer of trauma and healing-please keep this in mind)

Our marriage as I knew it 8 years ago is completely gone.  We are building a new marriage, somedays I think it will work and others I don't.  You will never get the relationship back as it was.  You both will change, some changes are good and some we struggle with.   Whatever happens the advice you are getting here is spot on.  Look at your finances and protect them but most of all protect your children.  I have an amazing relationship with my D (The only one of 4 children left in the house when this hit) because I chose to focus on her and not on my H.   

It is incredibly hard, all of it.  The choices to stay or go each have their drawbacks.  You will be a completely changed person after this.  You will shed any co-dependencies you may have built up in your marriage and you will come out stronger. 

I'm sending all sorts of hugs as your story breaks my heart as it sounds close to mine.  I completely agree with thissucks, this place is a lifesaver, take from it what fits you.  You don't have to have all the answers but freedom will come when you let go. 

[FrenchHusband]

Thanks again everyone for your responses. 

Its hard reading some of your posts.  The thing is, I want this to work out even with all of the damage done.  I almost wish that I didn't and I could just move on.  Where are the success stories of people that were able to work it out?  I know Hearts Blessing's story but it seems like person after person has went through a divorce.  The return stories are old and nothing recent.

You asked for success stories, and you got examples and people who have "succeeded" or are "succeeding". I would like to challenge the definition of a "success story". What do you mean by it ? Does that mean there is no separation and no divorce ? Or is it a success when the LBS has grown, has healed, and is happy ? Does the success equal "getting back the spouse" or "getting back yourself" ?

For sure what we all hope after BD is "go back to previous situation". But we all observe quickly that it is impossible to go back to the past, and in some cases (for example mine) we understand that the previous situation was not so well. 

So what would be your definition of a "success story" ?

[toomanytearss]

Well a success story I think depends on what each person considers a success.
I’ll make this as short as possible.
I’ve been in this group since 2014. That was bd for me. Married 29 years at the time.
If you’d have asked me back then what success was in this process I would have said emphatically restoring my marriage.
But time goes on and goals change and several years after 2014 success for me was facing a divorce (that he never finished btw) and letting go. I achieved that and I felt that was a success.
Traveling forward my goal was to make a good line for my daughter and I feel I’ve done that so that was a success.
I hoped to be able to deal with xh ( that’s what I call him ) in a calm cool manner when I had to deal with him. Accomplished for the most part.
And now- well we are and have been reconnected for several years and he would like to reconcile.
That is his goal but I haven’t decided if it’s mine. But we get on well and have put a lot of this behind us. So whether we reconcile or not we are kind to each other and respectful and good to our kids. I’d say that’s a success.

[KayDee]

I think I know why you are asking this. I was searching for these successes in the early days (I am still early days, but not early early  ). But, from my perspective, now that the dust has settled, and I am not fire-fighting so much (otherwise know as desperately holding on without looking up), I am able to reflect much more. We all share similar events, but we are all so different. No one crisis the same. And there are so many moving parts to this situation, so many feedback loops. I suspect many people, not just on the forum, but all those out there in RL, find it too hard to endure the trial by fire that is MLC. It takes a long time. It take patience, detachment and compassion. And real grit. I, for one, think, despite the moniker LBS, we are actually the ones moving the most. We change. You will probably change. I've changed a lot. And I like it. In terms of my once marriage, I am in the 'Don't know' phase for now. I didn't imagine I would be here, but the idea of divorce, or life without my H, it is now conceivable to me. I know I will be OK. But for now, because I don't know, I am doing the very active thing of doing nothing. That's very novel for me. Took me some time to get used to such a thing.

UM did update the reconnecting/reconciliation thread a while back. And, I bet you, as time goes on, you will start to be alert to these stories in RL. This has happened to me lately. Four MLC type stories and counting. Reconciled 2 Divorced 2 - a draw thus far. Maybe I will post one on the return thread.

[KayDee]

PS... before someone hits me with a plank of wood, I am not saying the odds are 50/50, just sharing stories shared with me. And, as FH and others have said, success comes in many forms.

[Treasur]

The thing is, I want this to work out even with all of the damage done.  I almost wish that I didn't and I could just move on. 

Do you see that saying this is at odds with your previous ‘PA is the absolute line in the sand’ pov? No criticism intended by the way….just to highlight that our feelings move around and we sometimes learn that our lines in the sand are not where we thought they were. Or a bit messier. Or that our actions are not in line with our thoughts.  Every one of us here has had at least a time when we experienced that, so we get it. It tends to winnow itself out imho with time and events.

What you want right now is not happening. What you want right now is not entirely in your control or gift bc any healthy relationship is built and maintained by two people. What you want right now, based on anecdotal evidence here, is unlikely to happen, not impossible but highly unlikely. And even if you get some of what you want right now, based on experiences here of reconciliation, it is unlikely to come in the kind of ideal packaging you want.

So, what do you do with that?
Feelings are not facts. Or fixed.
Which means that some choices open to you may change some of the facts but not necessarily the feelings. Which also means that how you feel today may not necessarily be how you feel in a months time or a year or five.
So, what do you do with that?
Imho, the best that any of us can do is a) accept that the current situation is as it is and lay down the weight of trying to change it or deny the reality of it and b) figure out what one’s own version of ‘success’ (that is in your hands) might look like? And that’s a very personal thing which tbh usually takes a bit of chewing on to figure out. It tends to rest more on your own deepest values about who you want to be and how you want to live and what you see as your biggest priorities. Which is why perhaps versions of ‘success’ here vary…..looking back, mine was to not hate my former h or to allow other peoples’ actions to suck me into being vindictive or nuts. And to not do things that I would feel ashamed about longer term. And to live with a sense of personal peace again. Others here might define it as being able to maintain some kind of stability for their kids or a different kind of ‘family’ connection that still brings joy and comfort. Others might have more specific goals about financial survival or returning to education or living in a different way than they could before.

The good news about that it seems to me is that it is possible to have a different kind of ‘success’ on the other side of this experience and that it isn’t a one size fits all/pass or fail thing. The bad news is that you can’t pick the answer off the shelf so you need to dig a bit deeper than is normally comfortable for most of us to figure it out. The good news is that it has very little to do with your wife. The bad news perhaps from your pov is that it has very little to do with your wife.

So, what does your picture of ‘success’ look like, given that one can only start from the reality of where we are?

[forthetrees]

Yes, please reread Treasure´s post a few more times. For me, when I finally accepted that a reconciliation was not in the cards, my mantra was, "Better, not bitter." I did not want to have to live with the regrets of having treated him the way he treated me. It was more of a desire to be able to look myself in the mirror years down the road and know that I did the best I could to save the marriage and that I did not lower my values in the process of going from a we to an I.