[Keyser77]

What does success look like - my marriage being saved/reconciled and living happily ever after like some Hollywood script.  I know my old relationship is gone and will never return.  Maybe if we get through there will be a better relationship.  I know that I wasn't the perfect husband.  Understanding MLC a little better now, I feel more compassion and not frustration towards her.  I am angry at the situation, I am angry at the things she has said and done since this MLC started.  But I know the W I used to have was a good person.  The alien W is not a good person.  It's been about 2 months since BD.  Can I deal with this for 2 years or more - probably not.  I'm not making any decisions today.  Maybe my W makes the decision for us both and actually goes through with the D.  I still have my appointment with a lawyer in a couple of weeks.  I want to listen to what he has to say and weigh out my options.  There are some things coming up between now and then that will help paint a clearer picture.  Although we live in the same house, we hardly communicate unless its about the kids so I don't know where she is at with everything at this point.  I don't speak to her unless she speaks to me which is rare.  I don't bring up the R anymore. 

As always I appreciate everyone's responses.  I read each and every response and try to process it all.  Honestly, there is so much information that it sometimes can be overwhelming.     

[Songanddance]

The thing is, I want this to work out even with all of the damage done.  I almost wish that I didn't and I could just move on.  Where are the success stories of people that were able to work it out?  I know Hearts Blessing's story but it seems like person after person has went through a divorce.  The return stories are old and nothing recent.

We all understand - most of us wanted exactly the same in the early days.  To have our spouse back - to keep our marriage going - to feel as though it was just a blip and that life will continue as it did before - to believe that we were meant to grow old together..... that is real and totally understandable.

To see a "success" story helps you cling onto hope.  To learn that some couples reconciled gives you a fighting chance and sets you into the mindset that you could be one.

There are many on here who did reconcile and yet did not post except for the occasional update.  And so their stories are years on.  The most obvious " success" R is of course RCR herself and it took her and her H 8 yrs to be fully reconciled.

However  I am pasting the link into one person who did reconcile and yet  practised and preached the advice that we have passed onto you - the tough love approach.  Her style and upfront way of speaking didn't resonate with some and she gave extremely tough love but she reconciled. Her moniker is Stayed and her H did all kinds of shenanigans.  They reconciled may years ago.
This is a link to one of her threads and if you search her name in the membership search bar - you will find thousands of posts from her. 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4955.msg315488#msg315488

Read RCR's story too. 

This is a process and unfortunately reconciliation can never be guaranteed but who's to say it won't in your situation.  I am reconnected with my H - but he didn't want back into the marriage.   You cannot push a rope.

[xyzcf]

It's been about 2 months since BD.

What does success look like - my marriage being saved/reconciled and living happily ever after like some Hollywood script

Honestly, there is so much information that it sometimes can be overwhelming.

Good morning Keyser77.

I have been turning over the word "success" since I read your post and I know that many will give you lots of different views about what success means....and actually, IMHO, at 2 months post BD, of course what we all wanted was our marriages to be healed...that somehow this was all a big mistake and that the love we have for our spouse would get us back together again.

So yes, there are many views of what "success" means regarding our families and marriages, and for some, that becomes a personal quest for success regardless of the outcome of their marriages.

But 2 months in, it's pretty darn hard to make that switch.

What I have been thinking about, with your question....this is perhaps key to me.....I did not want this....there was not one cell in my body that wanted this and that lack of having any say in things took a very long time for me to comprehend.

So.....these early weeks, when nothing makes any sense.....when your thoughts twirl around and one day you think one thing and the next minute you change your mind...this is all part of our journey and our mind and body's way to cope.

But I know the W I used to have was a good person.  The alien W is not a good person. 

This stood out to me. This is reality and the hard part is accepting who they have become.

[Treasur]

What does success look like - my marriage being saved/reconciled and living happily ever after like some Hollywood script.  I know my old relationship is gone and will never return.  Maybe if we get through there will be a better relationship.

Ok, so that sounds like - at the moment - if you break that down (and drop the sparkly Hollywood version which doesn’t even happen in Hollywood lol), you are not ready at the moment to file for divorce which probably means checking out how you can protect yourself and your kids legally, emotionally and financially the best you can without filing. And as if success at the moment - bc you can’t save your marriage solo, it’s like clapping with one hand - sounds like finding a do-able way to keep your own marital door open (or at least on the latch)

Experience here would suggest the more you can emotionally detach from her behaviour, reduce your expectations significantly and the more you can focus on other aspects of your life, the better able you will be to do this. Whereas the more attached you are to a specific outcome, and therefore the more distressed or frustrated you get when that’s not what happens, the more likely you are to slam the door shut completely if that makes sense?

[Keyser77]

It all makes sense.  I confess that Monday when we had a "normal" family outing, I got sucked in.  I showed her affection, we talked about the R and for a fleeting moment things seemed good.  Then bam!  I got hit in the face with reality.  She went back to alien mode and I am angry at myself for breaking the rules.  Since then, I have totally detached.  I have not tried to be rude but I think its somewhat of a delicate walk.  I speak only when spoken to, I don't respond to her text right away if at all.  Especially ones that don't require response.   

Question - my W is constantly sending me text messages regarding our kids and telling me to talk them about their behavior, clean their rooms, things she wants them to do, etc.  She is their parent too but doesn't seem real interested in taking on those responsibilies at the moment and more focusing on herself.  What is a good way to respond to these text?  Do I just do what she ask of me or do I push back?  Any advice? 

[Songanddance]

What is a good way to respond to these text?  Do I just do what she ask of me or do I push back?  Any advice?

Validate the text.... " I hear you"   but gently push that back to her responsibility "  It would be better coming from you if .....(whatever it is) frustrates you. You are still their mum."

However the best way is to apply the rule of 3 - wait 3 minutes, 3 hours - whatever and then simply reply " Noted".

That doesn't mean you have to do anything but you have taken note of her text aka validation.

You cannot logic or emotionally engage with these texts.  Just step back and see them for what they are - escaping and avoiding taking on the responsibility of being a parent herself.

[Treasur]

Do anything you think IS necessary re the kids. No more, no less.
Acknowledge that she feels concerned about these things. Even maybe say that you are happy to discuss any major changes she wants to make in how she handles these issues with the kids.
But don’t take the bait.

Remember, normal parents don’t parent by text instructions, do they?  She’s just  venting like a big emotional vomit and trying to get you to pick up the blame stick. Don’t.

I don’t know if this was an old pattern of hers….it’s a kind of ‘jump when I say jump’ sort of behaviour, isn’t it? It always strikes me as funny that it seems to take these spouses quite a while to realise that once they drop the bomb, we have much less obligation to be interested in what they want just bc they want it. To be fair, it takes we LBS a time to realise that too 

[Reinventing]

Her moniker is Stayed and her H did all kinds of shenanigans. They reconciled may years ago.

Yes, and what is interesting is the letter her reconciled MLC husband wrote suggesting what the LBS should focus on while the MLCer is in lala land. Other MLCer's have written similar things on here.

The former MLCers write that we should live as if they are not coming back.

The way we say it is to "put your own oxygen mask on first" and take your eyes off of them as long as you can. The objective is for you to heal.

[Baxter1]

RE-
Thanks for the tip, I’ll  have to look up Stayed, I would like to behind the curtain of the MLC mind. From the outside it looks  like anger and a lot of confusion.

[FrenchHusband]

It all makes sense.  I confess that Monday when we had a "normal" family outing, I got sucked in.  I showed her affection, we talked about the R and for a fleeting moment things seemed good.  Then bam!  I got hit in the face with reality.  She went back to alien mode and I am angry at myself for breaking the rules.  Since then, I have totally detached.  I have not tried to be rude but I think its somewhat of a delicate walk.  I speak only when spoken to, I don't respond to her text right away if at all.  Especially ones that don't require response.   

Question - my W is constantly sending me text messages regarding our kids and telling me to talk them about their behavior, clean their rooms, things she wants them to do, etc.  She is their parent too but doesn't seem real interested in taking on those responsibilies at the moment and more focusing on herself.  What is a good way to respond to these text?  Do I just do what she ask of me or do I push back?  Any advice?

First point : avoid any R talk or M talk. Even if your W is up, my advice would be to enjoy the moment and nothing more. You are right to detach I guess. Reality is striking hard in the first months.

Then, about disconnection. Yes it is crazy. My W also disconnected totally during months around BD : she disconnected from me, from our children, from our home, from all the domestic duties. At this time I decided to step up and take the lead : do everything that I saw necessary. And  it is crazy to see a (good) mother not taking care of the children. But it is as it is. Also, I asked the children to help more at home "because mum is tired". It was also a way for me to prepare to a potential divorced life as a single parent.

And, to give you hope, it did not last so long. After a while she reconnected to our home, she reconnected to the domestic duties. And she reconnected progressively to our children. Now it seems to me that she is very slowly reconnecting to me, baby step by baby step. There is still one thing that I have completely taken and W is not showing will to take back : I am doing all the medical appointments for the children. In the past W was doing everything for the children, now it's me.

Finally, to answer your question about the children texting, take the best decisions for you and for the children. If it helps you, imagine your W is divorced and you are coparenting with her. How would you react ?