[FrenchHusband]

Thanks B1 for your nice comment.

I would like today to ask about some words that I am not sure I understand well. Please correct me if I am wrong

the hero's spouse : this is intriguing for me, I guess there is a joke but I don't get it. Who is the hero ? the LBS or the person under MLC ? Is the word hero ironic or a way to describe the stander ?

the "rope" is for me a symbol representing the relationship. Detaching means symbolically detach the rope from myself and allow slack so that I am not reacting anymore to the emotional shocks coming from the other side of the rope. I understand there are different levels of detachment.

drop the rope = last step of detachment = let go and let God = not initiate anything regarding relationship with spouse

to be done = give up with hope of rebuilding the marriage = definitely drop (throw ?) the rope

to move out = willingly seek or enter a new relationship with another person

Then a bit of journaling
Nothing special at this time. My detachment is increasing, and after some weeks the "no snooping policy" is beginning to make me feel better. In the first days I felt a huge temptation to look inside W's bag or W's computer, each day it is less difficult to resist this temptation. Yesterday I had an IC and I continue to dig deeper inside my FOO wounds. I understand now why I have had some hurting behaviours towards other people that are dear to me, and I know better how to not reproduce this in the future. I understand that I was a pleaser, and I see that I become rigid when I am under pressure. More food for the work in progress I am.
There are positive things IMO with being a pleaser and being rigid and I don't want to give up with these, it is not a 180°. What I want to practice more is listening : listening to other people and accept new inputs even when I believe I have planned everything for the best. Listen to me, my needs, my wants and set up boundaries when I decide it is necessary.

In the last days, W is reconnecting more with our children, I see it is very positive for them : children need the best possible parents. The way W is reconnecting is through food with D16 & D14 and songs with S5, that sounds familiar to me because both are love languages* for W, and in the last 8 months I have cooked several times with our children (a 180 from previous-me who cooked alone) and I have taught songs to S5. Two days in a raw W has asked our daughters to cook with her. Too bad they preferred to do something else. Until 3 months ago I would have intervened when W asked our daughters in order to facilitate the reconnection. I am not this person anymore.

*For the record, in the worst times around BD W did not cook for us during one month, instead she cooked 2 times meals that nobody liked, saying one time she was bringing a part with her for dinner with a female friend's mother : I figured out later it was a lie.

[Treasur]

Well done on not intervening with the cooking situation with W and daughters - that’s for her and them to figure out. Or not bc I guess these things change with teenagers normally. But it’s a big positive step away from people pleasing and rigidity for you, FH, so well done indeed 

[FrenchHusband]

Well done on not intervening with the cooking situation with W and daughters - that’s for her and them to figure out. Or not bc I guess these things change with teenagers normally. But it’s a big positive step away from people pleasing and rigidity for you, FH, so well done indeed 

Thank you for your compliment Treasur, and thank you for the humorous way you write it. Is that British humour  ?

I see that we are discussing the Christmas times. Next weeks until New Year's Eve will be interesting for me. First my niece will come in our house from December 2d for a 1 month professional internship. The question of her living arrangement will need a solutio : we have 5 rooms in the house, normally we have a guest room, too bad W has taken possession of this room so all rooms are occupied ! I won't raise the topic with W until the last days, D14 told me that W asked D16 to leave her room, and she refused  . So I know that W feels concerned. Let's see what happens, in the last months I have been the one to initiate discussions with W for this kind of topic, now I limit the topics to the minimum (children, basic logistics) and I don't ask questions.

Then for Christmas this year, my 2 brothers are coming with full family. Big Brother (B1) has 4 children (from 9 to 22 years) and Second Brother (B2) has 6 children (from 7 to 21 years). So big family gathering and full of stakes for me and W : one of her blames at BD was that she felt not welcomed by my family 20 years ago, and I recognize there is a truth in her words. My mother has been often mean and unfair with both my SILs & for my W, the fact she is a black African woman was even an aggravating factor. After the struggles I made a clear decision between my mother and my W and gone NC during one year with my mother. SIL2 is the one who has suffered the most from my intrusive mother, mainly because B2 did not protect her. In my family, SIL2 is also the only one with whom I have discussed W's MLC, mainly because she has been herself in 4-year MLC/T, but I have given no details to her regarding W's MLC.

I have told my 2 brothers few days after BD that W is still angry towards them, I know B1 has sent a letter to W to beg her pardon. He likes to joke with people, his jests are hurting sometimes, he has also hurt very often our SIL2, but he is not anymore the man he was, he has grown.
Funny thing about B1 : few days before BD, I had asked my brothers and other people to pray for W and me, and B1 told me immediately : "oh, it is a midlife crisis". I immediately answered "no it isn't" : I did not believe in MLC a this time...

Family gatherings are joyous moments and the cousins and parents are very happy to spend time together, but it happens regularly my brothers can go regressing (me also sometimes) and the warm atmosphere becomes heavy and painful for the Ws and the children. Last Christmas together in 2021 W did not join us, in hindsight it was pre-crisis. So I will make my personal duty to check that the atmosphere stays good for everybody and we all spend good time together. And - quis custodes ipsos custodiet ? -  I intend to ask either SIL1 either D14 to check me in case I become heavy or deaf.

For W, the big gathering of "my" family in our home is a challenge : there are the wounds from the past, the MLC, the living arrangements to settle for 4-5 days together : the rooms are big, the living room is huge, we have 2 bathrooms so normally there is no issue for anybody if everybody has good will... I am pretty sure that W will not take holidays during Christmas holidays, so she will continue to work every second day, meaning she has to wake up at 5:30 am. Let's see...

In September, I asked W to tell me clearly whether she wanted us to cancel this Christmas settlement that was planned 2 years ago. I made sure also she was agree to receive at our home my niece. She raised no objection, she only told me "I won't maybe be here for Christmas". At this time I assumed that W would travel in her country for holidays, but in hindsight I believe I was totally wrong : she was considering to abandon me, our children, her work, our house. In hindsight also, I am glad my assumption was wrong and I have not asked questions that might have pushed W out of the house. Now I still don't know whether W will still be in our house for Christmas : I don't snoop and I won't ask, I see no leaving preparations ongoing, I get ready for all scenarios. As usual, I will do my best so that we spend good time together ; my "rigid pleaser" skills may help . For the rest, let's see what happens.

[Baxter1]

FH-

Having family over is always a great time, growing up we always had large family gatherings.
If W won’t be there maybe that’s ok, if she feels more comfortable going back to her home country then that might be the way to go. If you have room for one more at the table let me know!

[FrenchHusband]

FH-

Having family over is always a great time, growing up we always had large family gatherings.
If W won’t be there maybe that’s ok, if she feels more comfortable going back to her home country then that might be the way to go. If you have room for one more at the table let me know!

19 in the house is a big number, but for sure we would find space for you !


Hello all,

something happened last Satturday that I would like to journal here. One of the gifts that MLC brought to me is that I have changed. In particular I am more open that I was in the past, more seeking company and good discussions. Before BD after I picked up S5 at school I went to park with other children and parents, and I talked sparsely with few parents. Since January I opened myself and now I speak with many parents. These discussions can be very deep sometimes and they make me feel good, they make me happy. Some mothers told me that they can see I worked on myself and they entrust me with their daily issues, sometimes also with their couple issues. Amongst many topics was discuss also spirituality, I am known to be a practising Christian and some mothers talk to me about their faith as they are willing to receive baptism or Christian education for them or their children. Part of GAL for me is not doing something new, but doing it with a new me, more present and attentive to the others. I am glad that I am becoming more the person I wanted to be.

There is one particular mom whose first child is one of the BF from S5. We are becoming closer with the time, in May this mom entrusted to me many details of her life, her divorce and the difficult relationships with her XH. She is now 28 yo, has two sons 5yo and 3yo, and she initiated divorce when her second son was 6m yo. Not a MLC IMO. In May I felt a strong desire to confide to this mom the status of my marriage and W's MLC. I resisted to this temptation : this is a red line for me.

Last Satturday I invited this young mom (YM) and her children to go in a park together with S5. We have spent a wonderful afternoon together, she confided to me many very personal and interior things. She has worked a lot on herself with an IC, she knows well her FOO wounds and is dealing with them. First time for me to meet someone IRL who is doing the work and is a grown/growing person as many of you LBS fellows in the forum. I am proud of myself because Satturday I have not crossed the red line even if the desire was big.

So what happened the next days ? I am thinking a lot of time about YM. I have had a big desire to send messages to her, to call her to see her, even to cross my red line. So I took time to see within myself what I want and what I am ready for.
At the end I recognize that I am not ready to move on. I want to continue the relationship with YM as a friend. She is making me feel good, I enjoy our discussions.

How does YM feel about me ? I don't know and I don't want to clarify. She is giving me many hints that she may be wanting a relationship with me, she is talking also what she wants/doesn't want in friendship/love relationships (in French the words have same root : amour-amitié->aimer)

In parallel I give less thought to W so my detachment level is increasing. Now it seems to me I am finally DROPPING THE ROPE. Yes !

W is still on her journey. Currently she is calling a lot in her country so she spends few time with our children, even less with me. I understand a bit her country languages so I know W is preparing a comemorative celebration in her country for FIL's death 30 years ago in one month. I observe the compartmentalization is huge : W is not involving our children or me in this ceremony. It seems so clear to me that the person in control of W is currently a 12yo wounded & grieving girl. I am thinking about ordering a mass for FIL in the church and inviting our family to participate. Maybe I will ask D14 for advice before doing it ?

[UrsaMajor]

It is VERY enticing to be noticed, respected, and trusted by someone after being disrespected, unwanted, and ignored......

[Treasur]

I agree with UM that you are wise to see the red flag in your time spent with YM…..if for no other reason than a lot of children could be affected by your choices. But perhaps you see it as more of a pink flag than a red one?……

Talking of children, not sure why you would ask D14 about any memorial service for FiL. Is that not placing adult choices on a kid’s shoulders? And for a man she never knew and who sounds as if he comes with a bit of a minefield for your wife? Is it not your wife’s business alone to decide?

[FrenchHusband]

It is VERY enticing to be noticed, respected, and trusted by someone after being disrespected, unwanted, and ignored......

exactly, very enticing ! You are so right ! and as you and Treasur tell it, there is a lot of danger here even if I don't see what would be the pink flag ?
Yes I see the children could be affected so I won't be hasty, right now the only choice I make is to stay friends with YM and not cross the red line.

Regarding D14, you are right, I should not place adult choices on her frail shoulders (by the way she got her foot fractured yesterday, W spent 5 hours in clinic for her). D14 has been helping in the last weeks giving me good advices, but it is not a valid reason to ask her more. So I will have to discuss with myself to get a decision on this small topic. Since some months we make a weekly prayer in family. I am the one who has initiated, children and W are participating most of the time, sometimes W is telling S5 to lead the prayer and the does very well, no complaint. Within the prayer I make sure to pray for all our FOO (W having both FOO & adoptive family) and our friends, this includes also the dead people dear to us.
 
Organizing the mass for FIL would not be for W, it is for me and the children. FIL was a great man, a pillar of his parish in Africa, he always refused the witchcraft. He is also the grandfather of my children and I want him to be part of their life.

[Biscuit]

personally FH, I'd not make too much of a show organising a mass for FIL. Why not just say a prayer for him on the day with your kids and have a nice conversation with them, privately, about what a great man he was and what effect he had on you and your life. I think that speaks volumes more about how you view him and isn't in any way contentious. I think organising a mass might be seen as too controlling by your W.

As for the mum you've befriended and are enjoying time with, I'd tread extremely carefully. Maybe keep it platonic and friendly because I'm pretty sure you realise you'd be doing yourself, her and both your kids a disservice by treating it in any other way right now. I don't want to be preachy but I'm so glad that I rejected some early offers of female company when I stood where you are right now.

[FrenchHusband]

personally FH, I'd not make too much of a show organising a mass for FIL. Why not just say a prayer for him on the day with your kids and have a nice conversation with them, privately, about what a great man he was and what effect he had on you and your life. I think that speaks volumes more about how you view him and isn't in any way contentious. I think organising a mass might be seen as too controlling by your W.

I guess I have used a bad word with organizing. What I mean is asking a prayer intention so that, during a scheduled mass, the priest calls a specific prayer for someone in front of the assembly. Usually it is done for deceased people (anniversary of death) or sick people. So not a big thing actually.
And thank for your advice, I will take it and adapt it with the children as I see it is right and fits my wants.

As for the mum you've befriended and are enjoying time with, I'd tread extremely carefully. Maybe keep it platonic and friendly because I'm pretty sure you realise you'd be doing yourself, her and both your kids a disservice by treating it in any other way right now. I don't want to be preachy but I'm so glad that I rejected some early offers of female company when I stood where you are right now.

I agree with what you write, and I am resolved to keep my platonic line. Crossing the red line is similar to me to King David calling for Bathsheba : we all know where it leads...
I feel like I am walking in a big mountain. Behind me is a valley of sorrow where lies the rollercoaster, my attachment to W, my snooping, a lot of smog. I see clearly another valley, very tempting and full of visible and invisible dangers. I want to Stand on the ridge, walking ahead. I see a small path on the ridge for the next days, weeks, not so far ahead. Alone I am weak and with help of God and you fellow LBS I feel strong enough to continue my journey. Thank you !