[Inanna]

Little update... I haven't replied to my H's long message.
It does cross my mind from time to time, and my mind seems to want to "rehearse" what I would like to say in response, but I always seem to conclude that it's better not to reply and just leave it be for now. There's nothing I can say, I feel, that would make any difference at this time, so why bother?

I just practice GAL at this time — spent a wonderful day with family yesterday, and I'm now having a few calm days to rest and spend more time with my animals and do some household chores because I've been away a lot in the past week. And apart from GAL, it's an interesting "experiment" to just be silent. This is actually the very first time I haven't responded to one of his messages yet, so it's new to me and it's new to him, too.

And you're right, Treasur, this is really not the time either. I want to stay in the positive energy of the Holidays for now. It's definitely doing me a lot of good, even though it was a little challenging coming home from church on Christmas Eve and spending the evening on my own. And I'll probably do the same on New Year's Eve (spending time with my family on New Year's Day, though) — my therapist told me to maybe do a little "letting go/detachment" ritual that evening because of the nature of that day, before going into the New Year celebrations. I'm thinking about it now — maybe write some things I want to let go of on little papers and burn them in the fire pit outside and enjoy some time by the fire; maybe even invite my neighbors to toast on the New Year, as they are also supporting me on my journey.

Interesting is that I have a lot less stress with not having my H around. Of course, the trauma and grieving process did add an extreme amount of emotional stress in the past months, but apart from that, living on my own with the animals — although it's a lot of work — I do feel more at ease, more "myself," and there's a lot less stress of having to consider my H's wants and needs, which have been rather extreme and selfish in the past years (probably due to the fog and depression coming up).

[Inanna]

I just wanted to add that Standing feels a lot like GAL right now.
Due to detaching more, I got confused about whether I was still Standing or not, but now I see that Standing also means that you GAL and carry on without focusing or worrying too much about H and what might be in the future. I know I don't have to make that decision yet. The person my H is right now is not the person I want to be married to. So, I just go about my life and the way I Stand now is not about my H or my marriage, but about me GAL. And that feels actually good, correct, natural at this time.

[Inanna]

My MLCman was sending a few practical e-mails (accountancy and stuff) this afternoon (I won't make assumptions, but he might have been checking in to see if I'm still alive after not answering his message from a few days ago, hehe, because I usually ALWAYS respond and quite quickly) with some questions. My usual auto-pilot reaction would be to immediately reply, but I'm holding myself back for now... it's nothing urgent or needs to be handled right away. So, I'm just taking a day or so to reply when I feel like it. I'll be brief, business-like, but friendly 
And of course, I actually have other things to do now than jump up every time he bursts into my inbox. This is my new and improved LBS attitude 

[Reinventing]

This is my new and improved LBS attitude.

You sound good and these strategies will help you when there are more emotionally charged communications. So it's nice to practice a change in pace with things are are more routine.

[Evermore]

This is my new and improved LBS attitude.

You sound good and these strategies will help you when there are more emotionally charged communications. So it's nice to practice a change in pace with things are are more routine.

I agree you sound good! Love your attitude.

[Inanna]

Thank you, Reinventing & Evermore 
I actually have to give a lot of credit to Acorn !!!
I'm in the process of reading her entire thread (I'm now in part 8 of her journey) and truly felt inspired by her amazing attitude, mastery of detachment, and self-reflection 

[Inanna]

Thought this was going to be a very boring thread with just me detaching and him more like a touch-and-go these days...
But... I was reading some of our old conversations, because I have been printing everything in case I would need it during divorce mediation (more if he would send a lawyer)... and I just discovered that my H recently slipped up. I caught him lying!
He has always said that the AP's relationship ended before the affair even though she still had to divorce him. Now I know, due to his slip-up that I didn't catch the first time I read it, that her husband is in the same boat as me! They both decided that their marriages were over before he (her H) and I knew about it!!!

This may sound weird but this feels actually like a relief (although I really feel for her H, also because they have children together) because I now have confirmation that my intuition was right once again and he has been lying the whole time.
It feels like a relief because it validates the fact that I'm the one who has all the clarity and he's the one in the fog.

I know it isn't much but detaching has been going well these past days. And this has not thrown me off at all. On the contrary, it's just sad to see him like this but it is not my problem. He will have to deal with that, look at himself in the mirror, sleep at night.

My sleep has been wonderfully improving in the past week. I even slept through the night last night, which hasn't happened in a very long time (unless I would take a sleeping pill that completely knocks me out, but that's a different kind of "sleeping through the night").

I don't know what it is but I feel empowered lately, even though I still have moments of grief and anger. "This, too, shall pass" is my mantra and I don't feel like I'm a victim anymore: I feel very confident about this life on my own for now, that I will thrive again and have many moments of joy. I already have moments of joy, and sometimes I think: wow, am I over him already? But I know it's a process, not a straight line.

I still love him but at this time, I'm at peace with a life without him. I think I'm still Standing but I'm Standing more for my own life and my integrity now than for a reconciliation. Time will tell what it is going to be and I'm not attached to any outcome other than foremost, my own thriving.

Wish you all a wonderful end of the year 🙏🏻

[Reinventing]

It feels like a relief because it validates the fact that I'm the one who has all the clarity and he's the one in the fog.

Yes, after so much turbulence and realizing lies from before BD, during BD and after BD, it does feel good to know that you're not crazy, something was wrong, and that you can figure things out with time.

I totally get this, while also feeling sorry for her H and the children.

[Inanna]

Thank you for your response, Reinventing.
Feels good to get that confirmation that I'm not crazy, hehe...

—

Reasons why I'm sometimes conflicted if my H is actually in MLC:

* he doesn't seem to spend money — he actually spends a lot less than pre-MLC;
* he wants me to have what I need to continue my life without losing too much of my usual life standard — he recently agreed on one of my financial proposals for the next 5 to 10 years (still has to be finalized in divorce settlement, though);
* he wants to continue working together in our business (where we both have our separate occupations) for a number of years, so that I can keep my steady income;
* he seems to have no issues keeping his mask of "normality" on at work, with friends, with family — I'm the only one witnessing his craziness and selfishness, apart from people knowing about the affair (which in his mind is a relationship because in his mind, he ended our relationship — okay, that's more like MLC, lol);
* he asked me today if he can get our oldest dog (his best buddy) to go for a walk on the beach tomorrow — and this is the first time he asks to spend time with one of the dogs since BD (and even since beginning of MLC, because he didn't pay much attention to the animals anymore when he was sliding into depression);
* he seems to have moments of clarity, is still very clear about not wanting to be with me but he doesn't blame me for his unhappiness in our relationship (anymore; there were signs of that in the beginning but he seems to hold his peace now — or is that because I don't discuss M/R anymore?) — sometimes I wonder if he truly felt like he wasn't in love with me anymore and wanted out for a very long time but just didn't have the emotional maturity to do so: is that MLC?

Yet, there are so many other signs that are so typically script MLC.

I'm concluding for myself that it doesn't really matter whether he's in MLC or not. It's his life. His decisions and choices. His process of whatever. And the only thing I can do anyway is detaching and GAL for myself, find joy and happiness, and live a fulfilled life, no matter if he's part of it or not, no matter if I stay alone or find someone new in the future.

MLC just makes it a little easier to let go of the pain of how he treated me and still treats me (because I'm still very low on his priority list in life, which really hurts, after being "my person" for 23 years), but it isn't essential for my healing and thriving.

On the other hand, I do often wonder if it is the limerence that he's in at this time that adds some kind of veil, and, if he wouldn't have been in limerence, he would be monstering a lot more because of feeling depressed and frustrated and wanting an escape. Now, he has the escape and it's all wonderful and he doesn't really need to hate me, I sometimes think, but when he's confronted with himself and what he is doing and trying to escape, maybe that's when he's truly projecting all the ugliness on me like he probably did during those years in depression before Escape & Avoid really hit.

Because, how he treated me and how I felt in his presence before Replay hit was awful. I felt worthless, I was constantly second-guessing my own intuition and awareness, I even felt depressed, not knowing where that came from, and it felt like nothing what I did was ever good for him.

I still felt like that when he was already in Replay, having the affair, because he was probably frustrated that I was still there while he just wanted to live his fantasy life. But now that he IS living his fantasy life, he seems to be a lot "nicer" to me, apart from the child parts that come up from time to time that get frustrated with me trying to hang on to him and our M/R. But now that I'm not holding on anymore and am emotionally detaching more and more, he seems to be more content and even wants to take out our dog for a walk — what are the odds, right?

Still, there is this big elephant in the room: the betrayal, the cheating, the lying, the fact that he is probably really scared, deep inside, that the affair with the AP might fail and that he will end up alone. Don't know, it's an assumption based on how well I know my H combined with what stories and experiences I've read about MLC from MLCers and LBSers.

It's interesting stuff... Only time will tell.
I try to approach it like a psychological case study, lol.
To be continued...

[Nas]

“MLC just makes it a little easier to let go of the pain of how he treated me and still treats me”

It does. On the other hand, it’s a little bit like putting a Band-Aid on a melanoma and just hoping it heals. in order to actually heal, we can’t just cover it up and pretend it’s not there… the pain, I mean. it does hurt to be rejected especially after so many years, by someone who knows everything about you. Sitting with that pain is excruciating. But it will still be excruciating, probably more so, way down the road if you try to explain it away (MLC, Limerence) and then none of those reasons lead to him turning back towards you. I know they say time heals, and to be honest I kind of scoff at that because I think deliberate, purposeful healing heals. Time can lessen the pain, or it can just prolong it depending on what we do with that time.

The other thing I would just want to encourage you to take a step back and look at is your statement about the way he is “still treating you.“ Because you just laid out a whole bunch of reasons why it might not be MLC and those reasons were that he is not treating you badly, he’s not blaming you, he isn’t trying to be unfair with finances etc. i’ve said this before but sometimes we continue to feel like they are treating us badly when they are really just acting indifferent, which is so hard to accept from a person who has been our go to person. When they’re not treating us the way they used to, it feels so bad, therefore we say they are treating us badly. It also helps us to feel like they are still connected to us, like they are actively doing something to us, treating us badly - in a strange way, believing they are actively treating us badly feels better than not being considered by them at all. Because treating us badly at least means they’re interacting with us, we’re on their mind, we are still part of their inner and outer world.
Just something to think about, is he treating you badly or do you feel bad? Because feeling bad is normal, and very justified, and actually feeling it and calling it what it is will make it easier to heal from it.

Edit to add: of course someone having an affair is treating their spouse badly and with disrespect. It’s completely unacceptable. My statement is about ongoing bad treatment and compounding deception. And again, sample of one, and you don’t have to listen to me, I’m just presenting one possible lens.