[xyzcf]

I am sorry that you have suffered cardiac damage from COVID and I wish you a complete and speedy recovery.

As I once was an infectious disease nurse, your post sparked an interest in the role of COVID and heart disease which is well documented. So many people thunk that COVID is rare these days or that it is "just a cold", but that is not true. Your message to get yourself checked out is an important one, thanks for sending that message out to our group.

Vaccination is also important as it can decrease the risk of severe complications.

I hope you have a great medical team.  For sure, the stress that we are under, takes it toil on us.

Get well soon!

[Helpnewc]

Thanks xzycf,

I am glad I live in a country that has always embraced vaccination and I do confess I have always struggled with the conspiracy theorists.

I had three COVID vax and might have been behind one. I do regret that I missed it and I am unsure if the outcome would have been different.

I do think two years of very difficult circumstances really did not help. And I should have had a GP and had regular checkups. It is a hard lesson.

But I have two little girls I need to see grow up. And although I am a slow learner, I do learn.


Help

[Baxter1]

Help-

So sorry to hear about your illness. Glad you are ok but I’m sure the stress of all this didn’t help
Matters much.

[Helpnewc]

Thanks Baxter,

I am slowly becoming a man with nothing left to lose.

It is an odd feeling losing everything you loved.

Well, not my daughters they keep me going.

[Helpnewc]

It’s funny how the narrative changes.

Now I am no longer the devil incarnate and I did nothing to deserve the treatment I endured. Marriages just end and it is sad.

What a load of unaccountable hogwash. I just politely said I accept your decision but it was a choice and you chose the path you have. And I choose to not believe the hogwash and recognise you made the choice.

And then I was selfish when my daughter wanted to go to her when she was sick and I sorted it out so she was happy to stay. I just simply said don’t come at me about being selfish after the choices you have made for the last two years.

But it has become easier to see the person I loved is gone. The idea she is in there still is a fiction.

I wish her well. But she is an amoral, inhuman and valueless shell of the person she was.

[Helpnewc]

So she is angry at me. Despite all the criticism of me, I have been too critical of her. She just want to be left alone. I said no worries and have not had contact since.

The whole thing is so odd. How do you land in this place where someone you loved and loved with for 15 years can’t bare to look at you and won’t say hello. Perhaps I should not have said she was amoral or inhuman but the reaction speaks to it hitting the mark.

I just need to continue to heal physically and emotionally. I have been alone for two years and parked any women who are interested in me. I know that is the right thing. My solve focus is too little girls who I love to the moon and back. There have been too many tears.

I got busted sobbing in my bed my littlelest late at night. She asked to sleep with me as she was afraid of what would happen next in her family. There pain kills me. I miss them each day. But I am slowly gathering strength. Becoming stronger. Less afraid. Realising I can do this. Realising there is nothing more than can be done to me and that I matter to people.

Finding yourself again is interesting. And becoming a better version of yourself. A slower and softer version. Less reactive. Even kinder than you were before. And to still believe in love and repair but know it won’t be there for you.

What a journey. A trip to somewhere you never thought you would be.

[Treasur]

With a little more time and distance, my friend, you will no longer feel the need to respond to whatever the self-justifying hogwash of the day is. (Tbh doing so —bc I had a time when I did it too - reminds me of those news reports when they try to fact check politicians who say extraordinary deluges of things that are just not factually accurate. There’s a point when it just gets a bit silly and one can shrug and even laugh a bit at the ridiculousness of it)

Right now, a bit of you still thinks that what you say matters, that there’s an issue of insight with her. Or you just feel the need to speak and be heard. But you will come to see that it’s like apples and pears - as the kids books say, this is not that.

I agree so much with you about being slower and softer now. Kinder too but in a different way. I don’t know what your future holds but please don’t listen to the bit of your brain that says love and repair won’t be there for you. Bc unless you are a time traveller, you don’t know. And imho love and repair wear lots of different faces. These are hard days but I promise it will not always feel exactly how it feels right now. We LBS who are further out and on from the f**kwittery know that bc, with all our different shaped lives and stories, we have survived long enough to see it. Life is different, and for most of us there are some scars, but there will also be joys and loves and deep gratitude for all good things bc we know what the dark flip side of these things is like to wade through. X

[Helpnewc]

Thank you Treasur,

You are right as always. There is no point shouting into the storm.

It remains one of the most extraordinary things I have witnessed. The disappearance of a person. The catastrophic implosion.

I do feel fortunate it did not happen to me.

[Treasur]

Me too 
But at the same time, my own version of PTSD and grief as a combo wasn’t for sissies either

[zartheit]

And to still believe in love and repair but know it won’t be there for you.

This hit me hard. It is tragic to have so much goodness to give and it being nothing but wind against the rocks in the mind of the one you want to receive it. I can very much relate to this. It's hard.

For myself, the thought I've had was "not there for me [right NOW]". As Treasur says, the future is big and unknown. All we can do is be open to receiving the moment however it might arrive.