[OffRoad]

We each have to find our own way. When I first got here, I was told keep him at home as long as possible. That was, for me, a bad choice. I was unable to heal until he had moved out. That is not true of everyone, though. Some people can do this for years or possibly forever. You have to discover what does or doesn't work for yourself. I knew I was NOT moving out though and had to wait him out. (It was only 18 months, but felt like forever). I felt like a stranger in my own house.

There is something to hope for, though you might need to change your perspective a little. The thing I hoped for was to find my own balance. I got a job, I hiked some trails, I joined meetup groups and went coloring and off roading. Quite honestly it was about 6 months after he moved out that I felt human again. I just let him go and invested in myself and my son. I, personally, could not do that until he was gone, but others have managed it.

Full stop, invest in you right now. What does LostintheWoods like to do? What do YOU want that you can control?

[in it]

Hi Lost from the sounds of it this isn't the kind of relationship you want. Does t sound like many people would.

Sounds like he's doing the big old rug sweep to me after this much time.

Are you afraid to end this?

 Can you express you don't want this kind of relationship and it would be better if he moved out?

You deserve better.

[Lostinthewoods]

We each have to find our own way. When I first got here, I was told keep him at home as long as possible. That was, for me, a bad choice. I was unable to heal until he had moved out. That is not true of everyone, though. Some people can do this for years or possibly forever. You have to discover what does or doesn't work for yourself. I knew I was NOT moving out though and had to wait him out. (It was only 18 months, but felt like forever). I felt like a stranger in my own house.

There is something to hope for, though you might need to change your perspective a little. The thing I hoped for was to find my own balance. I got a job, I hiked some trails, I joined meetup groups and went coloring and off roading. Quite honestly it was about 6 months after he moved out that I felt human again. I just let him go and invested in myself and my son. I, personally, could not do that until he was gone, but others have managed it.

Full stop, invest in you right now. What does LostintheWoods like to do? What do YOU want that you can control?

Hi offroad,
It is true that the healing is not happening at the pace I would have liked. It is extremely slow because he is here at here. Maybe if I had cut ties I would be much better I don't know. I remember the months he was not at home, this was in 2022 early in the BD, I remember have some level of quiet and calm , except on days I had to message him for finances and till he transfered the amount. I wanted our relationship to work then. Now I no more care. His affair is one thing, but the way he behaved and treated me for years after is what deteriorated my emotions for him.
I also realise that it is not worth it.
I will not be able to continue this for too long. I want to shift to my house and then I want to ask him to leave or start a separation.( this is what is running in my mind for the last few months.) Don't know how it will change.

Init - to answer your question,  yes there is some amount of fear of the unknown, don't know how it will play out in the court of law, have checked with 3 lawyers , my uncle is one too. He also advised me to stay till the kids are settled as the law is not really strong.
I will ask him to leave but right now I have to get this house completed as the rental agreement for the house I am staying in will expire by this year end.
My emotions have changed from unconditional pure love and respect to wt.... how did I miss the red flags.
I am dependant on him financially only ( emotionally it is only sadness of a loss of something that I cherished, it's like loosing something precious.
Got to go.

[in it]

I'm sorry Lost it was more your love that made him special, he's not putting  effort into it.
Yes this will be a challenge one you will be okay with. Being dependent on them financially isn't a good position to be in.

 You can review the red flags later. Some of us ignored bombs going off.(raises hand  )

[Treasur]

Fwiw, I think the feelings of loss are much the same regardless of what happens. Life is not the same post BD and it’s normal to feel sorrow about that bc it usually affects the things we care most about - our kids, our home, the day to day priorities of life. I found it painful but also freeing when I could see that, regardless of what I did, I had already lost the things I was grieving over. The future could be good or not, but the past was in fact lost.

What matters perhaps is to reach a point where we get in our bones that today’s actions can’t save those losses, but they can help us shape our next chapter.
It’s all about acceptance really. But it’s easier to see that with hindsight than it was at the time.

Based on what you said, it sounds as if you believe that you do not have full control over building a new life that does not depend on him for anything important? Hence your ‘asking’ him to move out as opposed to either having the power to tell him or moving out with your kids yourself or being able to set up a legal separation where both of you have to live independently. Is that right?

I’m not sure how much of that is about the law where you live, how much of it is about other peoples’ opinions or how much of it is about your own fears or hopes. It’s all very well for someone to say you should do nothing until the kids are ‘settled’ (and how long is that whatever it means?) but it sounds as if living this way is hard, painful and draining.

What is really honestly stopping you taking whatever actions you can control to establish an independent life that does not depend on him?

Bc imho putting your finger on what that is, the real barrier, can help you plan a path towards options that might work better for you.

Is it money? In which case, how can you move towards being financially self supporting where you live?
Is it the law or culture where you live? In which case, could you choose to live somewhere else? Or find a way and other women who have found a way to navigate this?
Is it the opinion of family/friends? In which case, why does that matter if they are not living in your shoes or prepared to help you find other shoes?
Is it your own fears/hopes or a lack of confidence? In which case, how can you build your confidence and tackle those fears and put those hopes in an appropriate box in baby steps?

Or are you truthfully not yet at the stage where you feel ready to take action and begin to carve out a new path independently?

Whatever the answer is, no judgement, we get it. Most of us here have probably struggled with at least some of these barriers. Tbh the impossible tends to become strangely possible when/if we teach a stage when we just cannot bear to stay in the situation we are currently in….we LBS can be surprisingly resilient and creative when we must lol.

As an aside, you mentioned the house (which I assume is being built?) vs your current home, and that this needs to be arranged by the end of the year? Fwiw, unless the new house is solely in your name, or legally secured as a place for you alone to live with your kids,  and I’m guessing it’s probably not, the house is irrelevant in any independence plan…it’s just a frying pan to fire change of scenery probably. Just a thought.

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you init and treasure for your messages,  it helps me understand I'm not going crazy after all.
I had posted earlier that if I have to walk out today I can take care of myself,  but only myself.
Treasure your message was like a therapy session with all the questions,  I've been trying to answer them to myself , honest reflection. It's not that I am not ready but there is a sinking feeling and I get terrible headaches and palpitations when I think of leaving ( real physical symptoms)
I do not want this sort of relationship at all. It is awful and very painful.
He left on Saturday.  Has not called us since. I have not initiated contact or called . He did message me when he boarded and reached , that was it.
Strangely I have not broken down and cried or miss him. But he crosses my mind. And the million dollar question if he went to see her.
I also know it's not in my control. I also realise it's upto him to live the way he wants to. It's not my monkey like they say here in the forum. I have also realised I cannot respect him like the way he is. So my option logically is to let go and move on in whatever fashion. Life will lead me.
Why am I waiting to move to the house of my own is because it will be our own and I do not need to worry about Rent even if there is financial trouble from him. And no one will ask me to move out. Some form of Stability I guess. I still have not been able to come to an honest conclusion about why I'm not leaving.i am definitely ready to not be treated this way.
I've run out of patience and trying to justify his actions , emotions and behaviour,  it's only the last few months that I'm able to accept that this person is not healthy and I should have nothing to do with him in the state he is in. A year ago in I would have called or texted because he is in the OW"s country,  I do not feel the urge nor do I miss his calls. I strongly feel this is part of my growth journey and me being able to draw some boundaries for myself.
Once again I'm just putting down whatever came to my mind.
Your insights about my chaotic mind is always welcome.

[Treasur]

I want to encourage you that you are making real progress by not calling him or even wanting to do so. That might feel small in the greater scheme of things, but imho in the first stages of unhooking ourselves from them, progress is made in a series of baby steps. Sometimes so small they can almost seem invisible until we look back at our path. So, well done you!

Minds that are traumatised and feel unsafe are normally pretty chaotic. I was exhaustingly bonkers for quite a while! And actually you don’t sound as chaotically-minded as perhaps you feel fwiw. Which again is progress.

My sense is that - and it’s pretty common - what you want to feel most of all right now is safe. As if you are standing on solid ground, even if it is only a few inches. I’d encourage you to take the time while he is away to think very practically about what that means to you and what you see as the necessary first steps might be. So, for instance, is waiting for a house jointly owned with him more safe or less safe than finding somewhere sooner to rent in your name alone? Is doing something different more or less safe than staying in the same situation? No perfect right answers, just giving yourself time to think slowly about what you believe is best for you. And what you are prepared to trade in to get that sense of safety.

Please take care of yourself. A lot of us here have experienced the physical symptoms of living with this kind of distress and uncertainty, so we know they are real. Talk to a doctor if you think you should. Focus on all the small basics - sleep, fresh air, light exercise, food that is easy to digest, drink lots of water. Xxx

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you for your encouragement Treasure. I am calmer now , now that he is not at home it is not so bad actually. My elder one seems so much more communicative. We had such good conversations about his future, GF ..
Now I need your advise on a situation
We need to pay college fees for my son when I messaged him for the amt he sends me a screenshot of his bank balance and tells me that he has no funds and we have to use the CC.which he will pay after he gets his salary.
I want to so badly tell hum that this is why we should have saved not thrown the money thinking he was rich.
Should I say ( txt) anything to him or just stay quiet.?

[Treasur]

What do you think you would gain by saying that? Would it change anything today about paying the fees?

If not, tbh I’d keep your thoughts to yourself but make a mental note about what it might mean in terms of your longer terms plans to protect yourself financially.

Again fwiw as UM says these folks tend to spend money like water without thinking much about the consequences. Which is why one can’t assume they will make the same choices as they might have done pre-BD and why protecting yourself from financial risk or any debt they build up is so important

[forthetrees]

I would ask the bursar for more time instead of adding to credit card debt. You can explain your situation and make your share of the contribution.