[Lostinthewoods]

Hi madluv,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I understand this is soo unimaginably crazy.
I don't want to live like this given a choice. I also know making the choice is in my hands and the abuse can stop.
There are many ifs and buts. I know i will get to a place of healing. Right now priority is the house , sons college.
Update: I've gone dark grey like I told you'll earlier.  He behaves himself,  he is also mostly to himself.  Both of us extremely busy with work.
I'm studying and completing certifications to help my career. Even though I have a tough boss she is happy with my work. Spend Lots of energy at work. I actually enjoy work. Have lots of fun.
( completely God's grace).
I watch q movie or some program before hitting the bed.
Am I over it? No. There qre tears some days  sandness comes and goes, I manage.  I am doing better than I thought. Except for the loss of this part of my life I'm ok.

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi Everyone,
OK Journaling,  it has been week since we.had the talk and arguments.
I've gone completely dark. He asks questions ( very rarely) I just respond. I do not volunteer any conversation.
He is still here even though he is sure our relationship is over and that it will not work between us.
In the last conversation I had I was clear about what I wanted. I'm not compromising.
MLC has taught me not to run behind him. I've always been the pursuer.  Not anymore.
Iin the first 2 years after MLC I wanted him somehow. Now not so  much . I can live without him. In fact given the way he is behaving it would be better he was not here. I would.like.to think of it as some progress.
I wonder why he is here even though it is all over in his eyes? He is extremely sure because he cannot be transparent with me.
He told my son whenever he was transparent it came back to bite him.
I asked him to give me one valid example or scenario and he had none
He also said he had exited the marriage long back
Why is he here and irritating me?

[KayDee]

Wow, seems like you have turned a really important corner Lost. And in answer to  the 'why is he still here' question, I evoke my favourite MLC answer of 'who knows'? Keep the faith in you. You will see, more and more, you are the one holding all the good cards.

[Songanddance]

Hi Everyone,
OK Journaling,  it has been week since we.had the talk and arguments.
I've gone completely dark. He asks questions ( very rarely) I just respond. I do not volunteer any conversation.
He is still here even though he is sure our relationship is over and that it will not work between us.
In the last conversation I had I was clear about what I wanted. I'm not compromising.
MLC has taught me not to run behind him. I've always been the pursuer.  Not anymore.
Iin the first 2 years after MLC I wanted him somehow. Now not so  much . I can live without him. In fact given the way he is behaving it would be better he was not here. I would.like.to think of it as some progress.
I wonder why he is here even though it is all over in his eyes? He is extremely sure because he cannot be transparent with me.
He told my son whenever he was transparent it came back to bite him.
I asked him to give me one valid example or scenario and he had none
He also said he had exited the marriage long back
Why is he here and irritating me?

Oh this is all so familiar.....
Clinging Boomerang - stay at homer. He is in crisis and you are his anchor.  Yada yada.......
You're doing a great job in your own progress.
Unfortunately there is the acceptance that this behaviour and being still around is "normal" for a clinger.

Live your life and at some point you will know what to do.

It took me a long time to decide; your timeline is your own to choose and navigate.

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi Everyone
Thank you kayde and S&D
Yes I feel I've turned a corner too. I think it's a little more than a month since the last big fight.  I've lost some more of my love. So many things he does does not make me weep. I don't feel much towards him at all.
I have posted my sad days here. This is Victory in my eyes as I have been able to deal with the new reality better now.  He does talk regarding the house or the kids, i do not initiate any conversations and my answers are few words to a sentence max. I love talking and laughing. That is who I am.now I do not. It requires some amount of self control and the hurt after last time has really sunk in. ( first time in 25years of knowing him , I have not pursued or tried to fix anything) I do not question anything. I'm just letting him go. All this is not my natural previous self.
I'd like to tell something that happens today.
We were in our garden as I wanted to make some plants ready for the new house. He kept talking about the fruits and vegetables, and then he tells me " when we make our garden we must do .
........." ( do not want to bore you).
I thought to myself what the f... how can someone think it's OK to continue to live like this and after telling me we are over he is building some sort of future. I do not understand. 

[in it]

It could be because you are being quiet and not bringing anything up ..not asking questions...everything is fine now.

It's called "sweep it under the carpet"and continue the way it's been.

There's no understanding it, it's "future faking" and he's in denial over how bad this really is.

For him to say it's over then mentioning a future together..confusing at best.  not to mention emotionally abusive. Stay detached.

You get to make decisions too.

[Songanddance]

I thought to myself what the f... how can someone think it's OK to continue to live like this and after telling me we are over he is building some sort of future. I do not understand.

Agree with In it - it's denial pure and simple.  Pretend it hasn't happened and it will go away.

Detaching is hard with a stay at home MLCer because you feel as though you can't detach.

Your feelings of wanting to laugh and enjoy life will return.  Many of us on here have noted that for months if not years some of us couldn't want watch romance movies - every TV programme that had a couple arguing or the script was about divorcing - we all became armchair analysts, we hated to listen to certain music and we all wondered when we would laugh heartily again. 

YOU WILL!  You will be able to be true to you at some stage.  You will be able to laugh again and to watch programmes with a hmm or meh attitude.  Have faith - this is a long process not just for the MLC crisis but the LBS inner turmoil that exists. 

Look at the thread which is the stages of the LBS - that may also help.

Finally instead of using the word detach use the words "step back". Step back is a physical action and if you practise it every time your MLC says something illogical or hurtful or just plain silly - take a physical step back, lift your head, breathe and say " It's him not me.

Detaching is a process rather than a singular action.  And the fact that you thought "WTF " is a good sign as long as you can see it as completely bonkers and an example of his crisis denial driven mind. 

It's him and not you.

[UrsaMajor]

I think I found a picture of your MLC'er

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi init , S&D,

I agree,  it might be the denial stage and sweeping under the rug. I think this was and is his coping mechanism. Logically I don't care( don't want to anymore) .emotionally it hurts somehow.

Whenever he does something nice, like the other day he cut fruits for me for dinner and asked me to eat it and not share with anyone ( I didn't want to eat the typical dinner, and I normally share some of my portion of anything different or special with my son). It would  loo like he cares on the outside.
But I've learnt to look at him and talk to myself and tell myself that this is not real or true.

Because he has not done a single thing that matters.

Off late the thought that me being in his life is good for him  but him in my life at this point is not good for me has been playing in my mind.
I feel stuck with this character.

The distance between us is definitely there and only growing, I am not detached enough to look at him like a stranger yet( it's a little more than 4 years of this mess)  Thank you S&D for letting me know it is ok for emotions to still be there and that it will get better. From the stories of many LBS I've read the pain gets lighter but does not go away. Maybe the pain is talking so long to subside because I was totally invested in him and loved him like crazy. Maybe he had already checked out so it's easy for him.

I've also realised that he drops crumbs to keep us in the game. But continues to do whatever he pleases.
It is difficult to completely detach emotionally but physically I've been able to.

I got to know he is going to be traveling to that country again from his company He has not told me. It hurt when i got to know.

Should I confront him. I haven't asked or showed him that I know.

Many revelations during this MLC or whatever else , maybe just a narcissist having an affair.

UM thank you , LOL

[Lostinthewoods]

Hi Everyone,
Journaling.
There is no change in my life. I have gone darkest grey, because sometimes I have to answer him or talk some important stuff( I've stopped broaching even important stuff unless he brings up something )
When he was talking about the house He told me that he will be traveling,  I did not say anything,  I feel sad, but I also realised there is no point here. My whole being wants out, this silent treatment and his behaviour is painful. It's like there is no end to this madness. I know I have to make the choice. Having him living at home and behaving the way he does is so so painful. He seems ok with it.
I don't understand how one would want to live like this.
It's been about 4 months now since I have gone quiet, there is no temptation talk or have anything to do with him. Very often I remember what he has done to me and our family. I am not able to consider him a stranger even. I don't know how I will feel in a few more months. There is nothing much to hope for.