[UrsaMajor]

I see similarity, though my H is very polite and nice to me in general, as soon as i put the time boundaries (being home after work in time) he starts monstering or if i mention that OW situation should stop. Basically as soon as i am trying to control (in his opinion) his newfound "freedom" i see the monster. And of course the part of this freedom is OW.

I believe that what you will find is that ANY attempt to establish boundaries or introduce consequences for his actions will activate Monster Mode. Mid-Lifers do NOT want to deal with or accept that they are responsible for their actions and the consequences resulting form their actions so, if the LBS establishes boundaries AND ENFORCES THEM, the Mid-Lifer gets their knickers in a twist because... well... mean ol' Mr. (or Ms.) Reality is a real buzzkill and the consequences  are usually seemingly unpleasant.  Like the saying goes, "Do stupid things, win stupid prizes."

[Lostinthewoods]

I agree UM and Anoi,
I have noticed this too with him, as long as I so not broach the topic of the OW or any of his other behaviours there is status quo maintained in the house, we live a quiet and separate lives.  When I brought up the money and him not informing us , he spewed and screamed. It almost seemed like I was wrong, I would have even agreed pre MLC, Now I know I'm not wrong and these are basic requirements in a relationship.
I guess we just need the courage to start giving away stupid prizes for stupid behaviour.
Can someone advise me on how to go about starting a conversation regarding what I want ? I am not still strong, tears start rolling down when he talks poorly or screams, not like begging and crying ,just tears.

[Treasur]

Fwiw I think you may have reached the stage where part of you realises certain things are true in your ‘new normal’ but another bit of your mind is trying to catch up and figure out how to turn that into action?

I want to say clearly before I say anything else that your feelings and wishes and frustrations are all completely normal and reasonable and understandable.
And
Anyone can only do their best with the situation as it is, no matter how we feel it should be.

What struck me in your earlier post was that your list was a whole bunch of stuff that you simply can’t control….no matter how reasonable your reactions and feelings are….what your h thinks or says, what happened twenty years ago, whether he comes or goes or tells you about it or listens to anything you say.
The MLC box as you called it.
And we step out of the box when we change our assumptions, which changes our expectations, which changes our reactions and actions.
You step out of his MLC box by doing less and differently, not more and the same.

I am also conscious that, at least for now, you have chosen to not take steps to end your marriage bc of financial reasons, the context of where you live and the impact on your kids’ future wellbeing. I am going to assume that is still true and no one here will judge you for that. We get it and different LBS in different situations make different decisions. If that changes of course our advice might change along with it, but right now I’m going to respond based on that assumption about your own goals.

So - and I apologise if this sounds a bit blunt - if you are not ready to end your marriage, then it sounds as if you need to learn a new way of living despite your h’s behaviour and one that repositions him to the outside edges of your life to reduce the damage, distress or risk he poses. Does that make sense?

How do you do that, based on many experiences here?
You step out of his MLC box.
You focus on other things and other people.
You accept the real practical limits of what you can control and what you cannot.
You keep an eye on your own emergency red lines that might cause you to change your goals and choices.
You let go of any expectation that your h will change his behaviour based on anything you do or say or want or feel….which means you say very little, ask very little and expect nothing much at all from him….which also keeps you out of falling back into the MLC box.

What does that look like?
Perhaps like this…

as long as I so not broach the topic of the OW or any of his other behaviours there is status quo maintained in the house, we live a quiet and separate lives.  When I brought up the money and him not informing us , he spewed and screamed

And you might want to ask yourself, if you take this approach of trying to live a life beside but outside his MLC box, what the real benefit would be of having any conversation at all with him about what you want? And why you would expect any conversation to work differently than the last few you have tried? Which will probably take you towards thinking about what you really want vs what you need, why, what you can control and can’t, and how you might achieve some of what you and your kids need and want without involving him at all.

[Lostinthewoods]

Just an update,
We had a talk, he reiterated that the marriage is over and I can choose whatever I want. I told him he made the choices and if he is going to continue in that path then he can leave as I cannot accept OW in his life.
He tells me he never told me that he would choose her and that in the first 6 months of all this issue he told me that he wants me and did not want the OW.( the MLC brain, or just pure madness). He even justified that I had given him mental trauma and that was the reason he behaved the way he did.
My son reiterated that physical abuse had no justification whatsoever and he seemed to understand. In the morning we had an argument about some missing finances. I asked him during the course of the conversation if he wanted to make this work. And he said he was here because he wanted to make this work.
Later he tells me he is here because he wants to be with me. So many contradicting statements.
I feel so lost right now. Don't know if I am handling this right. If I am talking to him in the right manner. I mean I did not hold back. I told him as long as he has someone else we cannot have anything ( have been barking this for a long time now).
I even told him I will not be any other relationship with him other than the spouse. More later

[Lostinthewoods]

And also for the first time he told me that he brought this upon himself. And that he is not in touch with her for the last 6 months. And that he is not romantically involved with her. I did not accept, asked him for proof of messages, he also challenged me saying that he does not have FB on his phone. This was the way they communicated earlier

[Lostinthewoods]

My messages have been all over the place, I'm sorry, frantic typing. ( emotionally drained)
This conversation happened when money was missing again. I called him out on it.
That is how all this started

[Treasur]

No need to apologise, we get it. It’s a rather sad irony that we LBS have to do some of our best thinking to protect ourselves and our kids at the very time when we are reeling with exhaustion and confusion.
We get it, we’ve probably all been there.
And perhaps it’s why some of the vets place so much emphasis on disengaging enough from the chaos to give yourself time to breathe and think x

[Lostinthewoods]

Thank you for your messages Treasure, was like I had someone looking out for me. In all the chaos I feel so good when I read the responses and insights here. It makes me feel normal.
"You let go of any expectation that your h will change his behaviour based on anything you do or say or want or feel….which means you say very little, ask very little and expect nothing much at all from him….which also keeps you out of falling back into the MLC box."

In regards to the above advise treasure , I have let go of any expectations mostly
The only thing that upsets me is when he is messing with the money meant for building the house and last time was about the children's fund.
I don't know how to step back and allow him to do whatever he pleases. He now claims it is his money and will do whatever he pleases with it.
We don't talk anymore. Only with regards to the house. The children communicate anything regarding themselves directly to him.
Monster happens when I hold him accountable.
Last night he did say that he was going through something. He had earlier acknowledged to my son about midlife crises.
I did raise the fact that he abandoned us for almost a year. His response was yes I was not hear but nothing stopped. ( he kept sending finances)
I just told him that was the most important and how it impacted the children and me.
(He has no remorse as of now , my opinion. He lovea the children. I can sense that. From saying he wants to make it work in the morning to again telling me our relationship is over in the evening just because I called him out on mismanagement of finances. )
I just replied that a MLC is no excuse for irresponsible and poor behaviour.

[in it]

I just replied that a MLC is no excuse for irresponsible and poor behaviour.

And that's it, right there in a nutshell. 

[UrsaMajor]

I just replied that a MLC is no excuse for irresponsible and poor behaviour.