[Treasur]

Well done!

At this stage, Peg, small successes feel like mountains so it’s important to pause and give yourself a pat on the back imho. And all those small firsts add up to more solid boundaries so almost without your noticing you will find it gets slowly easier to say No or to not take the bait.

Fwiw I would try to stop asking him for things you can’t enforce. Why? Bc it shows him your weak spot, your kids, and right now he’s a bully who will use any weakness against you to try to get you to do what he wants. And there no upside for you in that. On a side note, I suspect playing ft childcare for 11 days is not going to feel like a walk in the park for your ex and he may change his mind about contact with your son when you drop your daughter off.

Typical MLC self-centred delusionality (is that a word lol?) that you should give a stuff about how OW feels about anything. She’s not YOUR ow; she’s his….so his problem. If she doesn’t like how it’s going, maybe the big life lesson is not to make a move on a man with a small child and pregnant wife, right?

On your question about if these folks feel regret/remorse?
Anecdotally some seem to…but not for years and not until the effects of their own choices start to slap them in the face. Sone  may, but we LBS may never hear about it. And some seem not to. What most seen to do is respond to any discomfort they feel by getting angry and blaming others though. Usually the LBS lol.

It’s a normal question to ask. Most of us have asked it at some point. But it tends not to be a very useful question or one that has a predictable clear answer. What really matters is what is behind the question - and sometimes that’s complicated too. I can remember lots of discussion threads here about it but of course the missing voice is the MLC spouse.

So, you might find it useful to ask yourself why the question matters to you? And what it means for you if you knew 100% that the answer in your situation were No? Would you do anything differently?

[KayDee]

It’s a normal question to ask. Most of us have asked it at some point. But it tends not to be a very useful question or one that has a predictable clear answer. What really matters is what is behind the question - and sometimes that’s complicated too. I can remember lots of discussion threads here about it but of course the missing voice is the MLC spouse.

So, you might find it useful to ask yourself why the question matters to you? And what it means for you if you knew 100% that the answer in your situation were No? Would you do anything differently?

For me the helpful question is - would I want to have any kind of relationship with someone who did NOT regret it? Me? No.

[UrsaMajor]

Hi PegSJ,

I am going to relate a story that you will probably not want to hear - I am the LBS father. My MCLxW has primary custody of our kids and I get them 1/2 of the school holidays. Since her D, I have moved on and am in an LTR with a very lovely person.  My MLCxW knows this, knows the person, and has no real issues about it. After all, it was MLCxW's idea to blow up our family.

When we went on vacation with my kids (my partner has 3 of her own, all of whom are older than mine), MLCxW gave D (now 13) a smart phone so "D (then 8, now 13) and S (now 17 - then 13) could contact her if needed." Well, that turned into at least an hour a day every day for the entire 3 weeks. D & S would start the day off happy but as evening would draw near, they  (especially D) be more and more nervous, withdrawn, and sad as she needed to go "fill mom in" on what had happened during the day. That constant checking in and contact basically put a major damper on the vacation.

I am a perfectly capable father and am more than capable of taking care of the kids and their needs. I had lots of practice when MLCxW was busy partying like it was 1999 before BD. My partnr and I had lots of plans for the vacation -  canoe trips, sightseeing (to the extent that Corona at the time allowed), in-line skating, swimming at a local lake, etc., etc., etc.  MLCxW, on the other hand, prefers to sit on the beach and let the kids play on their phones. MLCxW's insistence that D (and S as needed) contact her whenever they felt like it (and the obligatory at least daily) was nothing more than a power/control play and a way to ensure that D (and S) didn't enjoy themselves too much. MLCxW would give a sob story about how much she missed them, how the dog was doing, how the birds were doing, basically everything she could to ensure that they were homesick the entire vacation. SHE needed the contact to validate her choices more than the kids needed contact.

I'm telling you this as a way to encourage you to consider what it is about contact that is so crucial - especially YOU contacting the kids while they are with their father (even if he is acting like a walking Richard Cranium with ears) - as long as they are not in physical danger or being abused somehow - he has the right to have time with them uninterrupted.  Make sure that the kids know that they can contact you if they need to but I would really discourage initiating that contact during his time with them. He made the decision to go off into La La Land. He can also deal with the consequences of being a parent in that time. He fired you from being his support so let him deal with said consequences. Again, as long as you kids are not in danger or being abused somehow, there is no real reason to insert yourself into a triangle that you really do NOT want to be a party to.... It just opens you up to more of his "anal orifice" behaviour.

FWIW - my D13 has just been released from 3 months of a daily psychological clinic that was needed to break a very unhealthy symbiosis  from MLCxW and for D13 to learn that she is NOT responsible for her mother's mental well-being..... She will repeat the 7th grade next year because she missed over 1/2 of the school year being "sick" to "watch over her mother and make sure that mom was OK by being "Therapist 1.0 for mom"" (D's words) -  (NOT the job of a 12-13 year old but one that MLCxW tacitly encouraged).  MLCxW has not and will not engage in any kind of therapy as she doesn't have any problems 

I am not suggesting that there are parallels but rather encouraging you to look at the motives behind the need to contact the kids rather than letting them contact you if they need to.

[WHY]

Reading your story Ursa terrifies me.

Is there a way to regulate contact legally, in a custody arrangement?  And if so, whats the best way to do it so that it's fair to all parties involved.   The kids, the MLCer and the LBS?

Whats the best way to handle this legally?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

At this stage, Peg, small successes feel like mountains so it’s important to pause and give yourself a pat on the back imho. And all those small firsts add up to more solid boundaries so almost without your noticing you will find it gets slowly easier to say No or to not take the bait.

I agree completely. In the early stages, finding small moments of bliss are just as important. Then try to find more and more until you have days of bliss. It takes time, but mostly, it means you focusing your energy on yourself and not your ex.

Every time my son and daughter are there, I feel so completely lost. I remain afraid that they would rather be there, because he manages to be the fun parent and do fun things. Sometimes I really wonder if I'm such a terrible person. Apparently I wasn't good enough as a partner and now I only matter as a mother on the days he doesn't take care of them.

This is still your head feeding into your head. It only keeps you from moving forward. Please don't think of yourself as a terrible person. You are far from being one. You have persevered with your children on your own while dealing with betrayal. Terrible people don't do that. Remember, fun all the time doesn't make good. Let's put the cards on the table. He does the fun things with his kids to show how good he is for OW not because he wants to be good to his kids. Otherwise, they would come back to you rested and fed. That's what good parents do. And you are a good parent and a good person. You have just had some terrible things happen to you.

Keep going and do some things just for you while the kids are gone. Have some fun. Get some rest. As you recover from the trauma he inflected on you. You will get stronger-physically and mentally.

Hugs to you and make today special,

(((Ready)))

[PegSJ]

You can share anything, anny advice and sharing experiences is more than welcome!

Nice to read that you have a nice relationship with a new partner. I hope that your daughter is doing better now and that she will ultimately not be affected by it, as far as that is possible. I also sincerely hope that my children are never left with anything because of my sadness, fears and/or insecurity. I took all the help I could get.

From the moment OW came into the picture, my ex has put aside almost all care tasks and only did the fun things with our son. He was very angry for a period, especially at me and sometimes at our son. Fortunately, things have been going well since we started living separately, and him moving in together with her.

I no longer exist for my ex, not even as a “parent of”. He hasn't had any respect for me since OW came into the picture. All his comments and threats about losing the children keep me on edge and scared of everything that is to come.

I don't expect there to be contact every day, but I do expect that we can reach agreements together. I showed our app contact to my psychologist about this. She thinks that he really thinks that he is consulting by giving me two moments and giving me some say in when that contact can take place.

I hope the children feel at home with him and that they enjoy themselves, even though I am sad about the situation. I never say that I miss my son, because that is not something I want to burden him with. I think he knows that I don't find the situation easy. Maybe I need contact more than my children, but I don't know whether that is really the case. I just really hate my life right now…

During the previous holiday, my ex told my son that he could always contact me if he wanted, but on day 2 he was told no. It's not like we call for long when he calls, usually 5 minutes at most.

May I ask which triangle you mean?

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

He is referring to the triangle of you, your ex, and ow. It is often called the love triangle. Right now, your MLCer is at the apex because he has the attention of two people.

no longer exist for my ex, not even as a “parent of”. He hasn't had any respect for me since OW came into the picture. All his comments and threats about losing the children keep me on edge and scared of everything that is to come.

Don't make decision based upon fear and living in a state of fear. Fear disrupts sleep patterns, eating habits, and impacts relationships with friends and family.

He's not Dirty Harry, you can stand up to him. I know this from experience. During the first months, I was afraid of losing everything. Fear was everywhere. I gave my ex all the power and it made her more unbearable. You are not going to lose the kids. I don't know where you live and laws are different all over the place, but courts frown on giving sole custody to one parent (except in abuse situations). They also frown upon fun "dad" or fun "mom" if they feel it is a manipulation to turn the kids against each other. Plus the kids see it as well. You just need to focus on your mental health and let them do whatever makes them happy- just as long as they stay out of your life.

They are not better parents or for the fact of the matter, better people.

Have a great day, take back your power, be brave, be strong!

(((Ready)))

[Songanddance]

All his comments and threats about losing the children keep me on edge and scared of everything that is to come.

And he says this because he can.

My children were young adults when I was given BD and all H wanted was money.  He kept saying " I can force you to sell this house" (our marital home which we jointly owned but I paid the mortgage out of my salary).  I just said " you can try and you will lose because legally - you can do no such thing"

It was his mantra for about 3 months and then when he realised I wasn't bothered by it - he stopped.

This is where you have to be clear on your rights.  He will try everything he can think of to defeat you and all you need to do is to have right and correct information on your side. Then you can answer him as simply and as repetitively as I had to.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

He will try everything he can think of to defeat you and all you need to do is to have right and correct information on your side. Then you can answer him as simply and as repetitively as I had to.

This is exactly what I was trying to tell you. SongandDance posted a great reply!

Have a great day,

[PegSJ]

Today my son was picked up from school by my ex and OW. I am a teacher at school and I stand at the same door with my group as my son comes out. It always takes me so much effort to keep "smiling" and not let myself be known. I'm broken inside... I see my son walking away with my ex and OW...

Normally I always looked forward to the school holidays, but now... Today is my last day at work and tomorrow my holiday starts. My son has to go to school for the last time this friday and then has holiday for six weeks. My ex will pick him up on saturday morning. Pff, how I'm dreading it! This is so not the life I envisioned and what I want. He cheated, messed everything up and is living his life. I think it's so unfair! The three of them are going to Disney. Something I would have loved to do with my family, and my ex knows that. They go for three days and what they will do next, I have no idea. He will go to my ex for 11 days. In those 11 days he can call me twice...

Somehow I want my ex back, because of the life I miss now. But, in a way, I don't want him back at all, because of everything he has done and how he now behaves as a person. Yet I still spend so many moments thinking of him, every day. Whether he doesn't miss me, whether he doesn't miss the family, whether he has no regrets, whether he is really happy with her, why he has changed so much...

He has lost weight, eats healthy, has tattoos, does many things... Everything that wasn't with me before... Is it MLC?