How’s the new job going, Allie? And are you getting the legal support you need? How are other things going? How’s your daughter?
I’m going to encourage you to stop looking at FB and trying to read too much into it. Not a criticism- we’ve all done something like that at a similar stage. But it’s rarely helpful and rarely useful; tbh it usually raises more questions than it answers, just like you posed here. It’s a very natural and normal trauma response though…our brains instinctively feel that if we could just figure it out somehow, we will feel better or know what to do. Or we hunt for signs that seem encouraging or comforting bc we want our pain to stop. So normal, so it’s important to be kind to yourself about those impulses at the same time as being as clear eyed as we can be about the real limited benefits of it. Even more important if - like you, like me - you have been essentially ghosted after a long marriage. For most normal humans, that’s a pretty profound psychological wound and it causes some brain glitches for a while in even the most emotionally healthy of us.
The important data you have is that - although it’s incomprehensible to you - your h is not there, that he is not communicating with you and (I think) he has initiated a legal process. That may or may not change, but for the moment, that is how it is and all you can do is try to deal with that current reality the best you can. What your h is doing on FB or elsewhere does not change that current reality and one can get distracted from what is necessary for your own survival by running down those cheerless tunnels in search of answers that are not there. We learn, slowly usually, to stop hunting for answers that don’t come or trying to guess what someone who has ghosted us is thinking. But it is a hard and odd process after a shared life of decades, I know. It is hard to live with big ‘I don’t knows’ about important parts of your own life.
I found - and it took me a good while - that it was helpful when I found my head having all those circular mental conversations to say to myself ‘well, I just don’t know’. That was honest and somehow with practice it helped me put the questions to one side temporarily and get on either side my day.
At a high level and put simply, we humans do what we do usually bc it either makes us feel better in the moment or helps us avoid something we think might make us feel bad. Not always, but often. And particularly if our emotions are running the show. Probably as true for the MLCer as for we LBS. So, the most simple and straightforward reason why our ex/spouses ghost us imho is not bc they hate us…it’s not about us at all…it’s bc for them, for reasons beyond our comprehension, they find it easier than the alternative. That isn’t right and it isn’t fair, and it causes profound damage, but that’s how we humans sometimes roll when life gets difficult. That’s how they have decided to deal with the situation as they see it. And often, of course, if there is an ow/on in the mix, that’s a good short-term distraction along with other stuff like revisiting past friendships or new material stuff….it’s all about trying to make oneself feel better or avoiding things that make you feel worse.
The challenge as an LBS - bc we are often driven by a similar need - is to find the healthiest and most constructive ways we can to do the same. And imho part of that is reaching a point where you can accept that just as their crisis is not about you, your healing is not about them. Tough to do after a long shared life, I know, but with time it becomes easier to see that you are not the problem or the solution, and vice versa. But that kind of acceptance involves a kind of loss too, doesn’t it? And that hurts like a MF….which is why our brains spin round for a while looking for signs or meaning that might be comforting.
I am so sorry that this awful thing has happened to you and that your h has chosen to deal with it the way he has. Nothing easy about it, as we all know, and no simple fixes that we can offer. All we can say from experience is that it is possible to get to the other side of it, even if it feels like it is not and even if you can’t see what the other side looks like yet. This too shall pass and you just have to keep slogging it out day by day until it does; your job is just to keep going for long enough to see it, my friend. But we know it will come bc that’s how life tends to work. And why it’s so important to focus on the small things of the day that might make you feel 1% better and try to avoid the things that experience tells you make you feel any percentage worse.
Is there hope for your marriage? Idk. But there’s hope for your future regardless and that’s worth holding onto. Xxx
T: 18 M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg
Any hope once spouse files?
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