[Flummoxed]

Just attaching the following TED talk on radical acceptance- I feel like I’ll be watching this video daily until I regain my strength:

https://youtu.be/O1qQW3bZztQ

Thank you for sharing the term with the broader group, amazinglove!

[Reinventing]

Just have to say that it is downright weird that OW wore your clothes and used your products. I shouldn't be surprised, but that seems really odd.

You just did a hard thing and it will get better.

[Treasur]

I remember listening to a psychiatrist who works with trauma and abuse victims say that one of the simplest things she encourages professional trainees to ask themselves is ‘what kind of person would do THAT?’ Bc it helps us distinguish red flags from pinkish ones, it trains our eye about the disordered.

And ow’s wearing your stuff is a huge tell about what kind of person she is, and what your h finds acceptable too tbh. Can you even imagine doing that? Way past weird imho. And not about you of course. Again jmo but life is better without much exposure to these kinds of weird folk. Imho the only useful thing about this kind of tell is that it can forewarn you a bit….idk where things stand legally,but you should probably expect that ow wants to (literally and metaphorically) climb into your shoes and will try to exercise her own agenda in any legal process. So it’s a good reason to focus hard on your own best interests. In a (weird) way, she wants to BE you and acquiring your h is her way of doing that….not uncommon with ow types but of course she will be disappointed eventually bc most LBS come to realise that most of the good stuff of their old married life was created by them. But for you perhaps, forewarned is forearmed - and I’m assuming you left nothing behind that matters.

Congrats on taking your own big leap forward to new pastures. That is sane and smart and wise. How are you feeling today?

[KayDee]

not uncommon with ow types but of course she will be disappointed eventually bc most LBS come to realise that most of the good stuff of their old married life was created by them.

So true Treasur. I was joking a while back that the OW doesn't realise that a big part who she has fallen in lurve with is me 

And the clothes thing - reminded me of something. When I was at University, I had roommate who I became friendly with. We once swapped a sweater or something, but that, in her mind, gave her unfettered access to my wardrobe and I would see her out and about wearing my clothes. Like, all the time. It became very weird (plus she used to leave them stained and smelling of patchouli oil  ) (she also ate all my food, and drank all my coffee, but that's a whole other crime  ).  When I politely requested her to ask me before taking my clothes, she got disproportionately angry and stopped speaking to me. Then, one day, she bagged this guy who she thought I was interested in (I was not) and told EVERYONE, all my close friends and beyond, that I was angry with her because she got the dude and I was envious.

THAT's who does that...

[Flummoxed]

Thanks so much, Reinventing, Treasure, and KayDee! 💗

I met with my therapist for the first time in three weeks yesterday and even she had to step out of her therapist role to admit how absolutely weird it was. 😂

100%- this behavior absolutely highlights the kind of people they both are right now. My mom wants to give H the benefit of the doubt- she could likely have been using my things when he was out of the apartment or busy with work (she never wore the shoes outside, just wore them indoors enough to cause creases in the leather and scuffs all around the sides).  As much as it would make me feel better, I feel like I can’t go forward with my guard down so will not be taking that to heart.

I agree, Treasur- I need to move forward with my best interest at heart because they for sure will be doing the same, respectively. Legally, things have paused for now- I think he’s on a high now that they’ve (I’m assuming) moved into the home together. I haven’t heard a peep since so will likely be moving things along shortly. I didn’t involuntarily spend thousands of dollars and move out of my home out of the goodness of my heart.

I also agree that the LBS is often the one who created the good things associated with their married life. I didn’t realize how much I had invested in our home until the movers picked my things. Now it’s just a condo with rudimentary furniture and an Xbox. By all means, enjoy.

KayDee, my goodness!! It just screams low self-esteem, doesn’t it? I’m so sorry you had to go through that chaos in college. I did as well, though to a lesser extent. Interestingly enough, my ex-roommate tried to go after my now ex-boyfriend too. How do you avoid these people? My mom always said I should think of it as “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery (that mediocrity can pay to greatness)”. At the end of the day, only KayDee can be KayDee and only Flummoxed can be Flummoxed. No clothes, relationships, or rumors will change what’s on the inside.

How am I doing today? I have my ups and downs- I still wake up trying to come to terms with this being my reality. But I’m working on practicing radical acceptance. “So that happened… now what?” After an initial couple of days of wallowing, the pain of the triggers are lessening and I’ve been able to focus more and more on myself. My productivity has increased, I cooked properly for the first time in two months, I started attending a virtual art class to learn a technique I’ve been interested in for a year now, and I’ve been joking with friends and making plans for my upcoming weekends. I think no longer having that physical connection has helped me root down and find my center again.

I’m making plans for the future, short and long term goals, and I know I’ll be just fine if not fabulous. I’ve learned that, due to childhood trauma, there is a part of me that thinks I’m not worthy of love and care, which is why this has hurt so much and why I’ve been worried about experiencing an MLC of my own, but I have a plan with my therapist to heal and move forward.

I accept wholeheartedly that this crisis has never been and will never be about me. It is painful as hell to lose someone who I held so dearly, my best friend, practically a part of me, but he has decided to go his own way and I won’t give either of them the satisfaction of seeing me hurt or down. I’ve always been the resilient one out of the two of us. I wish him well, I truly do, but I’m ready to move forward and I know I will better off for it. If we meet again down the line, both healed from this mess, that will be the icing on the cake.

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Not much of an update from the MLCer, but I feel like I’ve had a shift in perspective. Not drastically, but quite a shift internally.

I was granted an opportunity to attend a plant medicine retreat and went for it. I had never explored that arena before and did not know what to expect; it’s not something I ever considered seriously before either. But the experience truly helped me gain some perspective on all this chaos. It sounds unreal, but I released so much childhood trauma I didn’t know I had stored in my body- it was just layers and layers of sadness from various phases of my childhood. I could feel them passing by, regressing all the way to the toddler years. And my teenage self held it all together, kind of like a chaperone, until all the littles had expressed themselves and she could finally release her grief. And I was drowning in it, but it had to be released. I completely let go to the experience and, speaking to more knowledgeable people, experienced what they refer to as an “ego death”. And I feel like I’ve come out of it understanding- sometimes you truly need to destroy what you think you know to open up space for the creation of something better.

I am thankful to have had the opportunity to experience this unbelievable journey in a safe and secure environment. I was supported, I did not impact anyone else, and I was able to self-destruct and reconstruct without impacting other lives. And what is truly sad about the MLC experience, is that I feel they are going through a similar process, but in a painfully chaotic and public way. If they had been able to release the grief and pain in a safe environment, if they had been open to it, maybe the MLC could have been more of a transition? That being said, this experience has given me a bit more compassion and understanding toward H. He doesn’t know what’s going on; he is involuntarily in this journey. He has no control of the ship and although he is in there somewhere, there is no finite amount of time by which his experience will end. That’s purely up to him and the work he has to complete consciously and subconsciously. And he’s wildly clinging to anything that makes him feel better during this ride through the roaring rapids. It’s uncontrollable chaos and it’s got to be terrifying.

So even though he stuck to his guns with his tiny counter offer, I feel comfortable finally serving him papers and wrapping things up on the legal front. I have work to do on myself, but I learned from my experience what I am fully capable of if I just trust myself and know and believe that I love myself. I’ve truly got my back, I am enough simply as I am, and I do not need external validation (even from H) to feel whole. The right people, those who truly align with me, will come into my life and those connections will form. I will be more than fine, whichever direction this goes. It will still hurt from time to time- MLC truly is awful and heart-wrenching. But I know I will come out of this not only good, but great. I’ve released my repressed grief; this is just his turn.

Although I hope H comes out of this someday, I’m not waiting for him. I have my own journey to go on and I’m looking forward to it. If he doesn’t come out, the world would have lost a sweet man. I have grieved for that man. But, if he does (and I still pray that he does), he will grow into a fully integrated version of himself. And I’m so excited for him for that. I wish him well.

[KayDee]

I just wanted to say what a reflective and inspiring post this is Flummoxed. Thank you for sharing your journey forward!

[Flummoxed]

Thank you so much, KayDee! 💗 I will absolutely continue to share- it’s a whole process, isn’t it? And we’ve only just started, it feels like.

Journaling:

Although I feel overarchingly optimistic with regard to my own life, it’s one thing to look at the big picture and another to look at the day to day. I’m doing my best to keep busy and find joy in the moment, but I will admit it’s a little bit of a challenge after being so used to being able to walk over to my STBXH for a quick chat or a hug (all pre-MLC, of course). Now I’m generally, fundamentally alone and it’s an adjustment to say the least.

I’ve registered for a couple of races in the new year, so I should probably start getting back out and running soon. 😅 And I’m thinking of maybe fostering a couple of kittens or a puppy until I can determine if I’m willing to make the commitment for a long term pet.

I broke out a puzzle I started when I was still on the other side of the country, before BD2. I figured it would be a good way to stay grounded and present, while listening to some tunes. STBXH had broken apart my puzzle and tucked it away before OW2 had come over for the first time. But it seems that, despite being in the throes of MLC, he still tried to keep as many of the intact pieces together when he put them in the box. I’m hoping all the pieces are still here as the bag for the pieces is gone, but that little bit of care took me by surprise. And I’m making the conscious decision to appreciate that for what it was.

A little lower in energy today but I’m working on turning that around. Does anyone have any tips of small little activities or processes that have helped them ground or become more present and grateful? I’m meditating with intention and need to restart yoga soon enough. Yoga Nidra has been a blessing.

I’ve listened to this song on repeat today- I hope it helps someone else as much as it’s been helping me:

“The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head, you feel left out
Or looked down on

Just try your best
Try everything you can
And don't you worry what they tell themselves
When you're away

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything'll be just fine
Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

Hey, you know they're all the same
You know you're doing better on your own (on your own)
So don't buy in

Live right now
Yeah, just be yourself
It doesn't matter if it's good enough (good enough)
For someone else

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything'll be just fine
Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything'll be just fine
Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head, you feel left out (feel left out)
Or looked down on

Just do your best (just do your best)
Do everything you can (do everything you can)
And don't you worry what their bitter hearts (bitter hearts)
Are gonna say

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything'll be just fine
Everything, everything'll be alright, alright

It just takes some time
Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything'll be just fine
Everything, everything'll be alright

[Flummoxed]

Oh! Also something I’ve noticed- my MLCer seems to have a pattern of reacting on a certain day of the week. Don’t know what that’s about and I know there’s no point reading into it, but just something I’ve noticed after the past few flareups. Odd.

[Flummoxed]

Started rewatching Buffy today (‘tis the season) and a quote by Giles jumped across at me:

“You listen to me. Jesse is dead. You have to remember that. When you see him, you're not looking at your friend. You're looking at the thing that killed him.”

No, MLCers in progress aren’t vampires, but they sure as hell aren’t who they used to be. At least they have a higher recovery rate.