[Flummoxed]

Thanks, Baxter1 and UM!

Baxter1, thanks so much! I still fluctuate a lot- my mind is currently trying to ruminate on mutuals calling me “brave” for reaching out and telling me they “hope I get all the nourishment I need” at home. I have no idea what my STBXH told them; they all cut me off without a word, so I imagine it isn’t pretty, but I’m not digging in deeper for my own well-being. Working to focus on my own path and I think you’re right- maybe the point of all this is to get us back on track to growing into brighter, stronger, truer versions of ourselves. It’s a less than ideal way to trigger the journey in my opinion, but I guess you need to light a fire somehow. The little dude’s been a gem, but I feel like I’m falling back into old caretaking patterns that I need to actively get out of right now.

UM, you’re completely right. I don’t think I have much in terms of written documentation but I’m saving all I can in the interim and I have witness testimony if needed. Thank you!

[Flummoxed]

Journaling:

Hello hello! Back for my weekly update. Honestly, not much to report this week. I’ve hit the ground running with GAL activities once again. This week, I got dinner with an old friend, started my 10K training prep, paid my favorite local bakery a visit, and volunteered at a community event. I actually had a blast volunteering- I’m hoping for more opportunities in the new year!

I’ve also started to dive into my own shadow work. It’s a process, but it’s been helping me face my self-limiting beliefs head on and really burst outside of my “comfort zone”. I’ve been focused on enforcing my boundaries, listening to my inner voice, standing up for my needs, and embracing vulnerability. It’s also been helping release quite a bit of repressed emotion, which has been so beautiful. I am so thankful.

No update from the MLCer and I am thankful. Much like last week, I hope he’s cooking in spite of all the running behaviors.

I’m really focusing on letting go and embracing what’s next. I do have moments each day when I get a bit bummed or nervous about where he’s at in the process and what he’s up to, but I’m doing my best to reframe my perspective back to my own journey. When the choices are either to move forward on my own path or wait for this guy to get his life together, I’m on the side of making progress in what I can control (me).

I’m working to heal from so many patterns and beliefs that simply aren’t serving me anymore and it feels really good. Honestly, there were days this week when I didn’t think about him at all and it felt amazing. Slowly but surely, maybe two steps forward one step back, I’m making progress toward a more authentic and whole life. Granted, it won’t be linear and I’m saying this as a person who is getting a much appreciated break from Monster, but I appreciate the progress all the same.

I’ve had Sabrina Carpenter’s “Feather” stuck in my head all week and it sincerely fit the mood. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know if he felt insecure or that I was too good for him before (per Heart’s Blessing’s assessment), it’s only going to get tougher for him the more I continue on my path forward. I hope he heals and finds the peace he’s in search of- I truly hope he busts out of this terrible depression as he’s living completely in contradiction to what he used to believe was right. I don’t know how he’ll be able to live with himself. However, I am continuing on my path forward. Perhaps it will provide some lighthouse-like guidance, but that’s not my point of focus. I can only control one thing and that is myself.

Hope you all have a beautiful week ahead! 💗

[Flummoxed]

Taking a break from the forum to focus on staying present in life but just wanted to send out an extra push of positivity to everyone (I know I need it)- wishing everyone a very wonderful holiday week and holiday season. This is my first one in this predicament and it’s been tough with everyone I know spending time with family through the new year. Just finished making new ornaments for my tree. Trying to keep an upbeat attitude with my birthday too- one day at a time.

Sending love 💗

[Flummoxed]

Any advice on how to fill the silence on one’s birthday? The significant reduction of well wishes is so loud. The MLCer with his lies and the idiots who believe them. He’s the one with the identity crisis- what’s their excuse? Going to head for a run to clear my head.

[KayDee]

Happy Birthday Flummoxed! Hope the run gave you some feel good endorphines.

Is it possible that some people have just forgotten. I confess to being a bad 'birthday observer', although I am trying to improve. I get what you are saying, because we are very raw after what we have gone through, and I had to remind myself I was often looking at the world through an oversensitive lens.

My advice on birthdays may not help this year, maybe for next - I invited people for drinks and nibbles at my home. I unashamedly announced my birthday. I had a lovely evening with some nice gifts    My experience as a newly single, was to be a bit more proactive with people. The social circle may have you pinned as you were in a couple. I've been surprised how many people want to do things (walking holidays, museum days etc). Put yourself out there a bit.

And, if people do take sides, they aint your people, alas.

[Baxter1]

Please fill the silence with our well wishes, Happy Birthday! Birthdays and holidays are tough, it’s hard to not take it personally. Just know that he is out of sorts, that’s what’s been helping me at least. Enjoy your day, you definitely deserve it!

[Flummoxed]

Thanks, KayDee and Baxter1! Much appreciated! 💗

KayDee, my issue is that these same people would message me directly every year without fail with well wishes. I’ve made toys for their kids, sent them care packages after their pregnancies, organized our social calendars to hang out with them, supported them in lieu of doing what was best for me (100% should never have done and am setting boundaries in place to not do this again)… so I don’t think they’ve forgotten. They just believe his lies- and no one had the balls to talk to me to hear my side. I’m getting a little fiery, but you’re right- they chose sides when they didn’t have to and it wasn’t mine. They’ve honestly proven what I always feared was true- I bent over backwards for people who truly did not deserve it. What a waste of my time. At least I’m learning now from the experience and preserving my time and energy for the people who deserve it.

I will absolutely organize something to celebrate next year. It’s a bit tough when my birthday is so close to the Christmas holiday, but maybe something a couple weeks in advance or something. Food for thought for 2025- thanks for the suggestion!

Baxter1, thanks so much! As much as I’m disappointed I haven’t heard from him, I feel like I understand. It’s not what I want but I’ll take the moment of discomfort and enjoy my day my way. I don’t understand the behaviors of others who are in their right mind, who decided to take one person’s side of the story as gospel and not even question or reach out to the other party. I’m trying not to take it personally, but clearly I have an opportunity for growth there.

Why waste time on people that don’t matter on a day when I should celebrate myself?

Returning to the cake and tea- thanks for the pep talk, team! Feeling loads better!

[KayDee]

By strange coincidence, after I wrote my post to you, I saw an article pop up, heading 'Cancer ghosting can be more painful than treatment' and I thought of your situation. It seems a thing we humans do, for whatever reasons, when confronted with others in distress and pain. I'm not making an excuse for it, I just suspect it is common.  It could also be this. Or, what you suspect. And I guess you don't know what your H has said, but if he has said negative things and those mutual friends blindingly believe them, then they surely didn't know you in the first place, right? I guess the facts at hand are that they did not reach out to you on your special day and that is extremely hurtful.

I'm sorry, this is another layer of pain. I think we, here on HS, get it. There is a lot of fall out. A LOT. A silver lining is that we usually learn from it, and that knowledge enriches our relationships moving forward.

Happy and restive Festivities to you and Team HS 

[Flummoxed]

Thanks so much, KayDee! The cancer ghosting comparison, as awful as it is, makes sense. My family experienced it when my mom was diagnosed, actually- maybe I shouldn’t be as surprised. It could be that or it could be where my mind took me- worst case scenario.

You’re completely right; one silver lining is we do get to learn from this experience, often in more ways than one. For example, not jumping to conclusions and letting my negative thinking lead me to catastrophizing 😂

I don’t think I understood how lonely it can be during the holidays. I tried to plan for it, but you can’t really prep for the things that surprise you. You can’t really prep for a lot of things in life, I guess. I think that’s one thing I really learned this year- control truly is an illusion. All we can do is the best we can in the present moment. There will be ups and down, we’ll have wins and make mistakes, but when we’re really present and grateful for this moment that we’re alive and living, that’s where the beauty is. Needed to remind myself of that.

Happy holidays, HS Team! You are all such beautiful and wonderful people and I wish you nothing but joy, scrumptious treats, and festive cheer! ✨ May the magic of the holidays bring an extra pep to your step- you deserve it and so much more.

[OffRoad]

I wanted to second what KayDee said because I know for a fact that many people, not having any idea what to say or do, say and do nothing for fear of saying or doing the wrong thing.

Your real friends will be there. No one really needs switzerfriends, not imo. You can keep them at a distance so you don't burn any bridges in case you get back together.

The Holidays are difficult until you find what suits you. It's still rough for me when my kids come to visit, but disappear to "big family Christmas" with their father at his parents house. I set myself up with a craft or catchup project. Or find another friend.

Happy  belated Birthday!  Tough to have that so close to the Christmas holiday. But Happy Holidays, Merry un-Birthday! Do something you love, for you.