[forthetrees]

I would start budgeting for day camp for next summer. Read reviews this summer and ask your kids if they have a special interest type of camp like nature, science, dance, art, sports, etc. As for the SSID, yeah, I would change it bc that´s just mind firetruckery to have to type that in. I´d be tempted to go snarky but in the end would opt for neutral.

[TheShore]

Yoooo11 people,

Not too much to write about today.  Solo weekend was pretty good.  Got to play some pickleball, went out to dinners, ran into people I knew, did some shopping, went to the mall, did laundry for the fam (not STBXW’s though lol), cooked dinner on the flattop, drank a lot of iced coffee.  Fun fun.

STBXW came home with the kiddos today.  Surprisingly she said a few things to me.  Maybe her and the AP are on the rocks lol.    She just got a nose ring before she left for the weekend if that means anything.  I didn’t mention it or point it out.  If I had to guess, tattoo is next.

One thing I read over the weekend… why chase someone that doesn’t love you or is interested in you?  This line helped put my mind at ease the last few days.  To me, the hard thing is that I still think deep down inside her heart somewhere is that she still does.  But what do I know.  Her actions don’t show it.  I will act accordingly.

Got a new phone - switched from T-Mobile to Xfinity to save some $$$ and got an upgrade deal.  I had a iPhone 8+… almost a decade old so it was time.

Hope to hear from anyone soon.  The replies are therapeutic.  I just joined the facebook group and there is a lot of activity there.


Later

[JohnnyBravo]

STBXW came home with the kiddos today...  She just got a nose ring before she left for the weekend if that means anything.  I didn’t mention it or point it out.  If I had to guess, tattoo is next.

Ooooooh yeaaah, the nose ring. My ex-wife had a little side nose piercing, and tattoos. I found one of her tats sexy, but the others were like putting bumper stickers on an expensive car: Messing up the natural beauty. The friend who seemed to help her plan the divorce had a full septum piercing, so there's my opinion on THAT. 

As we get older it's harder to find people to do things with. I took music lessons for a few years after my ex left, and a few of my classmates have started bands for fun, and have been playing some local bars. I went to see two of them over the past two weekends, and it's a lot of fun to see people you know on stage. They're trying to talk me into joining, but I'd have to buy a real drum set, and a vehicle to lug them around in. Sadly, the couple that I'm closest with might have to move out of state for work, but that's TBD.

I was on the Hero's Spouse facebook page for a while; I eventually found it to be somewhat unhinged, and found much better advice here. Glad you're at least getting out and doing things. It does take some getting used to. Keep on keepin' on!

JB

[Arcticfox]

Hi TheShore,

Good to hear your solo weekend was fun. I also have nothing much to report, these things take time… but GAL is good! I was helping a divorced friend renovate their new (old) house, that’s therapeutic and there will be things to do for years to come and then the garden

I also have the feeling that H has not stopped loving me completely, somewhere deep inside. But what is that worth? I think like you, that their actions mean the most.

The nose ring sounds a bit much, not knowing your STBXW.

[TheShore]

@JB / AF

The put a bumper sticker on expensive car comment is sooooo true.  Seems like there are more and more people who do this these days to stand out or change their identity or whatever.  They don’t do it because it looks good.   On my STBXW and my opinion, it’s ok, it doesn’t look bad, but I feel unnecessary.  She looks good with or without it (I lean a little more to without).

Whatever, can’t control it.  No matter!

[OffRoad]

RE: Kids. I second day camps. I was able to shift my work schedule to manage almost anything. Sometimes I had to find a neighbor or one of my son's friends parents to to  help with morning drop off or afternoon pickup for school, though. I didn't get a lot of sleep for a couple of years, though.

RE: SSID, Just say you need to replace the router, do so and rename it. Unless your router is a year old, a new one won't hurt and might help (I had no idea how bad mine was, but it was 15 years old....state of the art back in the day). You can always BS that you can't reuse the old name if you want. Your choice.  You can always get funny, like calling it PININIT.

RE: Things to do. I joined several meetup groups and found some like minded crazy people who liked to drive off road. For a day or weekend I had a group of people who would not leave anyone behind. It was awesome. Plus I drive a stock 4 runner and had to pull several of the big boys out of their stuck spaces. They always let me go first because if I could make it, they thought anyone could make it until they figured out it's just as much how you drive as to how tall the vehicle is. Lots of good memories for me there. I went Ghost hunting, had coloring groups, found bizarre attractions to drive to. Step outside the comfort zone a little. Heck, I built a fake tree in my living room. It's still there. I love it.

I can't speak to nose rings or anything. I don't find them attractive on anyone, but that's just me. I do like a quality tattoo that's not obnoxious, but not my thing personally.

Living in the same space with a disrespectful MLCer is hard. Mine went from drooling over my Halloween costume to turning sideways so he wouldn't touch me in the hallway. Crazy making. Everyone gave you great advice, keep it business like. As if it's your third cousin twice removed staying with you. Polite, but don't go out of your way to be extra nice. At least that mostly worked for me until it didn't. Mine eventually made up things to be angry about. He couldn't stand that I was so reasonable. But as long as you keep to what is right for you, you'll be OK.

As a suggestion, if you or your kids might like an escape room and there is one around, you might try taking them to one. Leave your W at home. My kids and I had a blast at several rooms and it's something they will remember. Take them geocaching. Get some rocks and paint them, then leave them on a hike somewhere, Do a puzzle with them. Run through the sprinklers. Have a water fight. Make your own pizza on Friday night. Play Yahtzee. Read a book out loud. Your oldest is growing up fast. 

[TheShore]

@Offroad - thanks for the reply, good stuff.  Appreciated.

Life goes on today… got some activities planned for the weekend.  Pool with kids tonight.  Lions game tomorrow down in the D (got tickets, actually going).  Fun fancy back to school dinner on Sunday - kiddoz go back on Monday, so will be interesting to see how the home dynamics are now we are back to school session.

I’ve subbed to the wife expert… her take is a little different compared to the advice here.   In general, it’s fairly consistent but the encouragement to engage seems to be always present.  Not in a sense to go looking for it, but more details on how, no mention of no contact, and a few other topics about hugs and intimacy are the differences I see atm.

I sent a text to STBXW the other day about kid stuff… it expanded into a longer texting back and forth.  I said f it and I engaged.  We went back and forth for ~5 hours talking about things to do over the weekend, fun banter actually, like the real person was there at that moment in time.  She actually agreed to go with us to the football game on Saturday so there’s that… no expectations. 😀

She did have to go down to the basement yesterday to grab something and saw all my books on cheating, MLC, etc… I got a text from her saying, “ Cool books just out for the kids to see. That’s nice”.  I didn’t reply back anything at all - but if someone thinks I should reply, lmk. 

Later, best wishes all.

[OffRoad]

I’ve subbed to the wife expert… her take is a little different compared to the advice here.   In general, it’s fairly consistent but the encouragement to engage seems to be always present.  Not in a sense to go looking for it, but more details on how, no mention of no contact, and a few other topics about hugs and intimacy are the differences I see atm.

Just a note here.
A) You have to do what is right for you
B) There is wife expert and MLC wife expert. Which do you have? A REAL wife, encouragement would matter. An MLC wife, maybe, maybe not. And when an MLC wife heads deep in to the tunnel (where nothing you do is right, it never has been and your whole life together was a mistake), you can encourage and engage until the cows come home and it will not matter one bit.
C) No contact, dim, dark contact are for YOUR sanity should you need to go there. If you can have a normal conversation without her blowing a gasket, go for it. See A above.
D) As long as you realize that anything that happens regarding hugs /intimacy, etc mean absolutely nothing real while your W is in MLC and you can handle it, once again see A.

These stories are full of "We slept in the same bed, do you think he/she is coming out of it?" or "she/he smiled at me what does that mean?". My XH drooling over my Halloween costume meant nothing. His bringing Ice Cream for dessert while the family watched movies meant nothing. HIs wanting me to be involved in his "new business" not only meant nothing it was a set up for him to scream at me when I did exactly what he asked me to do, but it wasn't "what he wanted" (as if I am a mind reader). He KNEW he was wrong. He had to leave the house, but it didn't stop him from doing the exact same thing on another day. When I told him he could not yell at me that way, according to him, I'm the bad guy for mentioning he was yelling (?!?).

You need to do what you think is right for yourself and your family. But keep in mind a person in full blown MLC only cares about what they are getting out of anything. JMO and my experience. I don't want you to jump through all those hoops like so many of us have only to find your W holding that last hoop and it has a giant hole on the other side and you are somehow surprised it's there. Because someone in MLC doesn't really want you making it through those hoops. That would require them to actually try and make things work.

The above is JME. You need to do you, but as a...warning, maybe.... don't take it as your own failing if you do everything you think you should and it is still not enough, if it comes to that. I always encourage people to head down their own path. If their spouse's path converges with theirs, great. If it doesn't, still OK. (See Standing Strong's thread. He's going his own way and if she catches up, great. If not, he's still going his own way.)

Back to school so soon. I swear we didn't go back to school until AFTER Labor day. I hope you have fun with the kiddoz.

[TheShore]

I’ve subbed to the wife expert… her take is a little different compared to the advice here.   In general, it’s fairly consistent but the encouragement to engage seems to be always present.  Not in a sense to go looking for it, but more details on how, no mention of no contact, and a few other topics about hugs and intimacy are the differences I see atm.

Just a note here.
A) You have to do what is right for you
B) There is wife expert and MLC wife expert. Which do you have? A REAL wife, encouragement would matter. An MLC wife, maybe, maybe not. And when an MLC wife heads deep in to the tunnel (where nothing you do is right, it never has been and your whole life together was a mistake), you can encourage and engage until the cows come home and it will not matter one bit.
C) No contact, dim, dark contact are for YOUR sanity should you need to go there. If you can have a normal conversation without her blowing a gasket, go for it. See A above.
D) As long as you realize that anything that happens regarding hugs /intimacy, etc mean absolutely nothing real while your W is in MLC and you can handle it, once again see A.

These stories are full of "We slept in the same bed, do you think he/she is coming out of it?" or "she/he smiled at me what does that mean?". My XH drooling over my Halloween costume meant nothing. His bringing Ice Cream for dessert while the family watched movies meant nothing. HIs wanting me to be involved in his "new business" not only meant nothing it was a set up for him to scream at me when I did exactly what he asked me to do, but it wasn't "what he wanted" (as if I am a mind reader). He KNEW he was wrong. He had to leave the house, but it didn't stop him from doing the exact same thing on another day. When I told him he could not yell at me that way, according to him, I'm the bad guy for mentioning he was yelling (?!?).

You need to do what you think is right for yourself and your family. But keep in mind a person in full blown MLC only cares about what they are getting out of anything. JMO and my experience. I don't want you to jump through all those hoops like so many of us have only to find your W holding that last hoop and it has a giant hole on the other side and you are somehow surprised it's there. Because someone in MLC doesn't really want you making it through those hoops. That would require them to actually try and make things work.

The above is JME. You need to do you, but as a...warning, maybe.... don't take it as your own failing if you do everything you think you should and it is still not enough, if it comes to that. I always encourage people to head down their own path. If their spouse's path converges with theirs, great. If it doesn't, still OK. (See Standing Strong's thread. He's going his own way and if she catches up, great. If not, he's still going his own way.)

Back to school so soon. I swear we didn't go back to school until AFTER Labor day. I hope you have fun with the kiddoz.

Thanks OffRoad for the reply - truly appreciated!

I’m just checking in today, still alive, doing well actually.

The temperature is a little warmer in the house regarding my “roommate” 😀

Trying a little different approach when it comes to my MLCer, seems to be better for my situation… not that there has been some sort of huge change, maybe some normality returning to the household is best said.  So strange as always!

Had a birthday party for S9 - a bunch of his friends and family came.  Petting zoo too!  I did most of the heavy lifting organizing, preparing, etc… but then the roommate came out of the cave to put her touches on everything which was nice and I welcomed it.  It was almost like things were back to normal.  Nothing like your kids to bring you together.

Also, I’m coaching D10’s flag football team - we had practice on Saturday after the party and was a blast.

Sitting watching NFL football today, grilling, life is good.

Best wishes to all!

[TheShore]

Hey all!

Haven’t posted here in a while… I’ve been engaged with the wife expert lately and her material and coaching. 

Temperature in the house is up and down but way up when compared to July when she and Horseface were at their peak.  D is still full steam ahead.  Mediation is done: I can provide details if anyone is interested.  I didn’t get everything I thought I would, but I didn’t get boned either.  Court date is tentatively scheduled for 10/23.  When the D is official, she has 60 days to move out (Yes, I got to keep the house!).  6 month morality clause included, best I could do in this state.  50/50 week on/of with kids, switching holidays.

Personally, been doing fairly well.  Sure there are days when I get emotional, but I process the feelings and soon put that smile back on my face.

Kids are doing well.  I’m coaching my daughter’s flag football team still every Saturday - it’s been a blast!  I picked back up my hobby of playing live poker at the casinos… doing fairly well!  It was like riding a bike.  Sticking with the gym and eating well and cooking so in good shape!

That’s about it for me in general.  Big highlight is the D is almost here for me… I can almost feel a slight excitement in the STBXW which is disappointing sometimes.  It’s so strange sometimes because 1-2 times a week, she almost acts normal/like my wife/like she did in the past.  I cherish those moments because they are soon gone.  Detaching almost fully complete and I’m so close to the point of indifference.

I still browse the forums and keep up with mostly everyone’s story.  My heart goes out to everyone here because it’s a difficult time and I feel for all of you.

Thanks again all, hope to hear from all of you soon.