[PJ Ames]

I've been thinking about your post and hoping I could think up some brilliant and helpful response. But unfortunately, I don't have much to add. You seem to be looking at things from every angle and weighing things carefully. There's probably not an easy answer to any of this. But I do think you're going about it the right way. My only advice would be to make decisions about B from a place of serenity and rationality if you can. But that's really difficult.

Am I having my own MLC? Am I depressed and still dealing with the grief of my marriage ending? Or is it really a matter of B and I not being suited to each other?

Wow. I've wondered this about myself more than once. My first year post-divorce was a little on the crazy side. In my case, after 3 years with a wallower, I felt like someone who was just let out of house arrest. (Hello, Ladies!  ) I dated a LOT and jumped straight into a relationship with a wonderful but damaged professor (you may remember Professor Foxy ). It was great at the time, but I increasingly realized it wasn't a relationship that was built to last. I totally bungled the breakup, but I was right to end it.

There were times that year I wondered if I was having an MLC of my own. Or if my relationships were a form of pain relief.

Have you ever been stuck in traffic for a long time? You feel like you're wasting your life. And then, when the traffic breaks up, there's this strong temptation to drive like a maniac to make up for lost time. I think a lot of us LBS feel like that. We've invested years or decades on someone. And now we feel like we have to drive a million miles an hour to get back on track. That's how I felt at least. I don't think I was having any MLC since I wasn't trying to resolve issues from my childhood or youth. I was just driving like hell to catch up. I'm not sure if that's what you've been feeling or not, but I think it may be common amongst folks like us.

Like I said, I have no brilliant advice. Sorry. But I'm confident you'll come through this stronger. Keep in touch!

[PJ Ames]

Attaching.

[Milly]

Joining your new thread, Music. Understandable you're feeling a bid sad. The kids growing up and leaving is hard on us. As long as the kids are around, I find I'm distracted by their noise and their company. Also having to face a house change is big, so no wonder you are feeling the weight. But as everyone said, you'll do just great. You will get your mojo back.

[Standing Strong]

Following along 

-SS

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching....

[One day at a time]

Happy New Year to all the LBSs out there, I hope 2022 brings healing, growth and peace for all of us!! We all need it  

I haven't updated my thread in a few months, not much has happened or changed.. I think this is the way it goes a few years after BD, specially if you have a semi vanisher like mine.. Life moves on, the new reality takes over and every now and again I hear little things "from the other side"

I was trying to look back and see the contact I had with H over the last couple of years... 9 different mail exchanges, most of them initiated by me to sort practicalities out as H seems to be happy living his fantasy life with OW and not dealing with the reality of the mess he left behind.. The 2 exchanges he initiated were:

- Aug 2020 when he told me he was filing for divorce.. He clearly thought it would be gut wrenching for me but at that stage I thought there was no point in hanging on to a marriage that didn't exist so it felt like that logical thing to do and I pretty much said that to him..

- Jan 2021 where he asked me for property valuations at the time of separation. He completely forgot about the fact that we never got official valuations, he asked me back then to talk to the auctioneers and ask for the ranges (he couldn't even be bothered doing that) - We had a whatsapp conversation at the time in which I said what the values of the 2 properties were and that's what we used as the basis for our financial settlement. In my mail response last year I included the whatsapp conversation we had at the time of separation which went with the updated profile picture which included OW... That was the first time there was a clear understanding that I knew about her... the same OW that "had nothing to do with the end of our marriage and meant nothing"  

Since that point he has vanished even more.. he only responds to my mails (which haven't been many), sometimes needs a bit of pushing to do that.. I would say that once the divorce is done and we sort the rental property, I will never hear from him again. If I'm very honest, I don't know how I feel about that... Right now I get 0 from any contact with him so I only contact him when it's necessary.. But I do know we still have things to sort out so limbo is still there. Some time ago my IC said that despite the fact that I'm in a new relationship, I'm not divorced and we still have pending business so I don't have the sense of closure.. and I think she might be on to something. Over the past few months I realized I'm not as far as I thought I was in the healing process.. I think about H, I still miss what our relationship felt like, I miss getting up in the morning and never doubt H for a second.. betrayal and hurt were not even on my radar... Will I ever feel like that again?
And that's when things get confusing for me, do I miss H or do I miss that sense of safety that I had before MLC? I think back and we had our differences, I felt very frustrated at times with him but I guess the love I had for him allowed me to get through those moments without thinking "is this relationship right for me?" To me, the decision was made, he was my H and we were going to grow old together,  whatever he did or said didn't cause any doubts in my head.... This is not the experience I'm having in my current relationship... There's constant doubt.. "is he good for me? Should I tolerate this? Am I better off alone?" It's exhausting!

And just as I'm trying to force myself to focus on my current life and really try to leave the past in the past, I see H looks at my LinkedIn profile.. Ok, maybe he just got curious.. We met and worked for the same company for years. He used to say to me I would never have the courage to leave the company as it was a "safe bet".. And probably I would have never left if I was still married to him.. I was a very different person then, too afraid to make decisions that could backfire... But a year and a half ago I left my job of 20 years and ventured out into the world.. I guess the silver lining of getting the rug pulled from under you is that eventually you learn that you can get back up and you are stronger than ever.. I do feel that way in many aspects of my life.. not so much in my love life. 

A few more things have trickled through the past few days.. I heard that H's brother doesn't like OW. He thinks H is obsessed with her and she's very controlling. BIL has not been able to have one conversation with H without OW being there. I read that in many threads here, it seems to be part of MLC and I guess I shouldn't be surprised.. I also heard that H and OW are coming home for 2 weeks' holiday next week... I don't expect to hear from him or have any interaction but I remember I felt very uneasy the last time they came over 2 years ago... This will be another test for me to see where I'm at... I'm not looking forward to it.

[marvin4242]

Happy New Year and thanks for the update. And thanks for sharing and your insights.

You are so correct, healing (and as I would past a point it becomes growth) is a long term process, but in my opinion its a good thing. I related to a lot of what you shared. I used to feel the same way about my W. But now I question whether that "unconditional trust" was ever a good idea. I am not saying this from a place of fear of hurt, rather from a place of growth. I too miss that naive almost childlike trust (I am saying this about me, not about how you felt to be clear). Maybe I needed that back then, but I know I don't need that now in my life.

I am not sure if its a bad idea to always ask "is this relationship good for me?" or "should I tolerate this?" I don't mean the answer is to just bolt, rather to make corrections and put up boundaries as needed, and ultimately if something just can't work its something we are better off to acknowledge. Obviously this all changes a lot when there are beliefs and specially children involved. But otherwise it allows for natural and organic growth (or lack thereof) of a relationship. I know that all the times my friend and I have had difficult but frank discussions it has led to more trust and more intimacy because we both showed we can talk through these issues, that we are in this with both our eyes open.

I think it already is great that you are ready for the visit next week. I hope it shows you how much stronger you are and that maybe his visit (or the idea) won't have the depth of effect on you that it may have had before. Two years is a lot of time for change.

[sachat3]

Happy new year lovely! Glad to see your update.

I think things like the visit will show you just how much you have grown. You’ll be able to have a definitive point and say “this happened 2 years ago and I felt x, this time I felt y”. It does help you see that things do change and we do grow. I have no doubt you’ll shock yourself

[MadLuv]

  I think back and we had our differences, I felt very frustrated at times with him but I guess the love I had for him allowed me to get through those moments without thinking "is this relationship right for me?" To me, the decision was made, he was my H and we were going to grow old together,  whatever he did or said didn't cause any doubts in my head.... This is not the experience I'm having in my current relationship...

I so get this!!! I miss that sense of peace knowing that no matter what you ate in it for the long haul. Those moments of doubt come and go and you just appreciate that you have made it through so much with this person. I think for the LBS we lost all that sense of security in knowing someone loved us and only us. The MLCer doesn’t have that sane loss, do they? They get to move on and still have that security in the love we had. I think I miss that the most. Knowing you may never get that feeling and security again with someone. I hope that is not true.

Happy New Year!! Wishing you the best in this New Year!!!

[UrsaMajor]

One Day,

I can attest as well to the recurring feelings of doubt and questioning... xW's D was final in August 2019 so that "closure" of sorts is there although I have regular contact with her due to co-parenting minor kids... Add to that the "Once bitten, twice shy" thing (OK, how about more like "Twice bitten, 4000 times shy" in my case) and it does make for an occasionally exhausting slog... which, of course, feeds right back into the "Would I be better off alone." I can honestly say "No, I wouldn't be" in my current situation but that doesn't mean that the trigger isn't there or that the thoughts don't creep in once in a while....