[Is your MLCer High or Low Energy]

Is your MLCer High or Low Energy

High Energy

18 (39.1%)

Low Energy

17 (37%)

I don't know, he seems kind of in-between

11 (23.9%)

Total Members Voted: 45

Voting closed: June 27, 2011, 01:28:35 PM

[LoveMeMyself]

I voted, "don't know for sure"

Male, age 47
BD - Oct. 09, Moved out Dec. 09, Filed for divorce Feb. 10, divorce final, Oct. 10
Got the typical "ILYBNILWY" speech and he was unhappy, crying, didn't know what was wrong, felt used and unappreciated
Moved in apartment (alone).
Affair with OW#1 started as EA (Oct 09) then went PA (after he moved out??) - ended around Feb. 10
Affair with OW#2 started March 10 (lived in different State) - ended June 10
Still alone as far as I know
Has said he is done and just wants to be alone
Went on a major spending spree the first 6 to 8 months
He expressed confusion and angry at everything
He has expressed his regrets in many of his decisions and actions other than the divorce

Back and forth with contact.  He always initiates (now).  Goes from emails, text to phone calls.  Most recent contact through phone calls (over the last couple of months).

No children

Has told me about two or three months ago he still loves me and always will.

We both attended Church together and prior to our marriage. He questioned his belief in the beginning after BD, now states he reads his Bible. Still not back in Church.

He drank heavily leading up to BD and continued after.  Picked up smoking habit with OW#1. Hasn't stopped

Has been under doctor's care for social anxiety (about 2 years prior BD) and continues with therapy and a number of other meds (antidepressants, etc).

[trusting]

OP,  he has never expressed confusion but his behavior seems to indicate he isn't sure exactly what he wants. 

[limitless]

My H expressed confusion at BD and the 2 1/2 month prior to leaving our home.

During that time, he went for counseling by himself.

Back in November of 2010 - he wrote me an email about his confusion and trying to figure out "who he was" and that it would take him "many months" to become the man he wanted to be.

Back in February of 2011 - after the affair was revealed - he emailed our kids to explain - and wrote about no longer being the "man who wrote" those emails to his ex-wife and not really knowing who he is.

He has shown Overt depression (or maybe it was just guilt and shame) when in front of me - but, apparently has Covert depression when around other members of his extended family (brother, sister, parents) - as he appears to be "happy."

L

[Buggy31]

This is a very interesting topic for me as I've been thinking about it lately. My H was NO DOUBT a low-energy MLCer from BD #1 until BD #2.  He became HIGH energy when he left the home.
Gender Male
Age at Bomb Drop 31
Infidelity: Emotional, Physical, None, brief, still ongoing, not anymore...EA originally which he ended but rekindled and became physical when he left the home
Are they home? Not now but stayed for 1 year-1 1/2 after BD
If not, where are they living (in particular, are they living with the alienator?) Lived home then at parents then to alienators
Kids: Yes/No ages and where are they living?Yes S1 year D3 and D8 living at home with me
Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: who is the pursuer versus the distancer--now as well as pre-Bomb I was emotional pursuer and sexual distancer but that changed right before BD when I felt something pulling away in him.  I became the emotional and sexual pursuer at the time.  He currently initiates all phone calls (mostly kids) and conversations. 
Here are my current ideas about low energy MLCers ?The cases that I have read the low energy MLCers just seem to take longer and end up doing what the HIgh energy MLCers  do initially leave, or file.  It seems to me perhaps they are more fearful ...and very withdrawn.  I give those that have lived through many years with an at home MLCer.

[eternity]

Hi
I would like to have the definition again on Low/high energy MLC or the link where to find the info
TX
Eternity

[arp1]

Good idea for a thread.

Gender: F
Age at Bomb Drop: 48
Infidelity: EA with ex-bf from 30 yrs ago and ongoing AFAIK. Have there been other EA or PA? Who knows!
Home? Yes
Kids: Yes – Boys 12 and 15 at home
Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: I am (was) the pursuer.

The depression is mainly covert in my wife’s case, though I think she’s cycling and has shown signs of overt depression.

I have doubted it is MLC, still do to some extent, but a lot of the classic triggers and symptoms are there: bereavements and job/career problems, friends aging/dying, EA, blaming me for her unhappiness, re-writing history, coincidence with perimenopause, etc.

She is not confused or has a problem according to her. This is why I’ve doubted MLC as a ‘diagnosis’. She seems totally rational and clear. When I made the mistake of saying I thought she was having some sort of MLC she said she must have been having one for 9 years or so and didn’t like the inference. She did struggle with turning 40 and shortly after that she had a mini meltdown that lasted a few months then we reconnected (was that BD #1?) and is obviously having physical symptoms associated with menopause

I know she has wanted to ‘run away’ as she put it and I know she looked at rental properties on the Internet a few months back, but has never done anything. She says she ‘can’t’ leave and ‘won’t’ leave the boys, but expected me to leave for her sake to give her ‘space and time’.

[Trustandlove]

I voted in-between; he seems to have traits of both.  High-energy at the beginning; then more overt depression showed, then he spent several years bashing it down; didn't come clean about As for a long time; went through several jobs, has always had his high-adrenaline hobby/business, which he had long before BD; now has overt OW, seems to be more high-energy again. 

I guess I always classed him as high-energy, but I've seen the lows as well.  Not a clinger, although did come by here more often in the first years.  Feels huge guilt, says he's just not going to feel it any more. 

Seems to be putting on a great act. 

If you want more from me I'll write it....

[Mermaid]

My H is low energy.
•Age at Bomb Drop:51
•Infidelity: EA, but has never accepted that it was more than "just very good friends"
•Are they home? Yes. He's moved out to our country cottage a few times but always finds a reason to come back.
•Kids: Two daughters, now aged 15 and 20. Both live with us, but D20 spends the week away at university.
•Pursuit & Distance Dynamics: I'm the pursuer, and H is very much a distancer, even early on in our marriage. He is introverted, and says he needs his space. This need reached a high point at BD. But I am not a controller by nature, H is, like his mother.

Prior to BD he was very depressed. His way of trying to resolve his problems is more in his head than anything else, although he did have a period of suddenly going out a lot more to concerts, theatre and cinema. (First with me, then with OW.) His biggest activity now is going bicycling.

He has always known that he is confused. Since BD he has spoken about this a lot, and I have posted a lot of his thoughts here, as it seemed to give insight into the mind of a MLCer.

It has taken a long time. BD was January 2009, although the year before he started emailing OW. There were several years before that when he seemed to be intolerant of me and the girls. Although he is back home, he sleeps in his own room, and lives his own life. I have no idea whether this is permanent, or temporary. Only last weekend he was talking about buying more stuff for the cottage.

[eternity]

I voted high energy, although H seems to be mild, no extremes, except for moving out

Gender: male
Age: BD1 (EA) 42 :  with a lot of monster > did not leave then although he distanced himself completely for months
        BD2 (PA) 45 : is physically gone now but much less emotionally than with the EA;  less monster but I recognized the  same characteristics from the EA - > I did not have a clue about MLC at that point)

Infidelity: PA, still ongoing
(started 9 weeks before BD2)

Living at home? NO, lives together with OW19 since BD2 (Oct2010)

Kids: S17 living at home

Pursuit & Distance Dynamics

Pursuer: before BD : me
              after BD : me : much less pursuing
Distancer: before BD :H
                after BD : ? , If I ask questions I get subtle monster, If I don't,  H ask questions

H confirms he blocks everything, does not think about the future and avoids permanent decisions in  either way, for me as well as for OW (lease for a house with OW was cancelled, as H did not want to rent a house, wanted  to buy a house and stopped this as well, rent of the studio has been renewed)
H admits that he fears this will come down hard on him some day

H cycles between replay heights and overt depression. Replay heights have diminished (or he doesn't brag about them to me  anymore)
Has clear moments. I have the impression H knows this is not the way to go for himself but he won't/can't  give up his new life now.

H drinks heavily for years already. Told me some time ago when I asked about this that he drinks to forget
H uses coke on a regular basis, I am not sure how much he uses or what regular  means.
His drinking and drugs does not seem to affect his job.

H visits us every couple of weeks and apart from that  the contact goes by text and email on a weekly basis, also with S.
Sometimes he calls
Eternity





 
           

[OldPilot]

Hi
I would like to have the definition again on Low/high energy MLC or the link where to find the info
TX
Eternity

This is the original Low Energy thread.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=303.0

Here are my current ideas about low energy MLCers
 

• Less likely to have a long-term affair.
• An emotional affair is more likely than the affair going physical
• Often the affair ends quickly, maybe even before Bomb
  Overt Depression.
• Though they may try to escape and avoid these behaviors are more internal. They are less likely to move out of the home--or if they do eventually they remain at home much longer than high energy MLCers
• They may be more aware that they are confused--though I'm merely guessing and you can tell me more
• The crisis seems milder than those who are high-energy--when you compare to other stories on the boards
  The crisis may take longer (or not, I'm not sure) because without the high energy of in-fatuation they do not have as much to work against.
• You, as the LBS, may question of it is MLC since high-energy is more to the sterotype.

I do not think that you can be both a high energy and a low energy MLC'er.
It is one or the other and you may see different characteristics with in the crisis that can swing over to either side.
My wife was higher energy during replay, but overall she didn't ever pull the antics of someone with an alienator.
I would think that the alienator part of this is the big key whether it is high or low energy.
A physical affair vs an emotional affair.