[Stillpraying]

The first time H left feo a few days he stayed at SIL's house.  She called and asked me to have a coffe and give her my side of the story.  Once she was aware that I did want to work on the marriage and not simply separate, she felt uncomfortable having H there and told him she didn't want to facilitate our break up.  He ended up coming home.  I didn't know about MLC then.

2 months later H left and this time finally told his mother.  She had a sense there was something she needed to pray for us but had no idea we were in trouble.  It was my mum who babysat the kids when we had counselling last year.  H always found it difficult to break bad news to his mum.

She was really upset and sent him a heartfelt message that marriage is hard work and to think about what he was giving up and to not walk away from the responsibility of his 4 kids.  It was not a nasty message but one you would expect from a caring mother and grandmother.  However, H took it as if she was judging him and setting up a lynch mob against him with his sister (who he hadn't even spoken with yet.)

So H has consequently told his mum it's also her fault for the way he is and he has told her to delete his number from her phone.  He refuses to speak with her.
H also got angry to find SIL at my home helping with the kids one morning and later text her tosay he could have easily broken her neck and not felt any remorse about it.  Such is his hatred.

MIL and SIL have been my greatest supporters and are more willing than my own family to understand what MLC is all about.  I can discuss all I've learnt with them and they are interested.  The love the kids and have been helping me through prayer, practical service and emotional support.   A counsellor who I don't normally see said I couldn't be emotionally conected to them.  We have decided that if H doesn't want us we will still be friends/ family.

H used to be close to his mother before this.  His father passed away 2 years ago and I think that propelled him forward into MLC.  He always talked about how his dad never affirmed him and I witnessed that also.  He also rememberes when he was around 6 yrs old and his dad suddenly stopped hugginh him and started shaking his hand instead.  That hurt my H deeply.

His brother was estranged from the family a number of times for many years.  Little tiff with parents and then he's off and won't speak to anyone but SIL.

Now, H is only engaging with BIL and not anyone else.  H used to always say he didn't trust his brother and now they are connected again.  His brother also told his sister he was glad to have H back and glad he's moved on when he heard about OW.  Now MIL and SIL don't hear mush from BIL unless he wants to borrow money.  Bad news for each other I think.

Anyway, my reply was very complicated but that's their family.  I'm glad my MIL and SIL have the coviction to stand up for the truth and don't compromise their standards.  They's forgive him but he wants nothing to do with them.  His choice.

[limitless]

My In-laws haven't been too supportive of me.
H moved in with In-laws immediately after he left.  He is still there.
MIL is a Narcissist.  She blames me.  She blames my kids.  She blames everyone BUT her Son.  He is there for her and that's all she cares about.  FIL is a milktoast and will do and say anything to keep MIL happy.
So, there it is.

After 30 years of being in their family - I was kicked to the curb quite quickly.

BIL and SIL (H's siblings) are ticked at their brother and have little to do with him.  (As he has little to do with them).

It's pretty amazing.

Next weekend I will attend my H's niece's wedding (his brother's daughter).  ALL of the family will be there.  My girls are in the wedding party.  It should be quite an event.  I am dreading it.  I would prefer NOT to go.....but, I love my niece and my daughters will be standing up.

This situation is really, really crappy.

L

[rediscover]

My in-laws have not seen or spoken to me, or my daughters since August 25th.  Not even his brother's wife, who was one of my best friends.  Recently, MIL started texting D13.  I think she started texting b/c D sent a photo album to her, pictures of a vacation they took last year.

I have talked to his grandmother and kept in touch with his aunts.  It's a little harder to have constant contact with them b/c there is a language barrier and they are in their late 80's, early 90's.  It makes all of us very emotional.

Actually, if I decide to cease standing for my marriage it will be because of my in-laws.  I'm quite happy without them in my life and really have no use for them.  They are extremely shallow. selfish people.

[LisaLives]

limitless, the proper term for your FIL is, I think, an inverted narcissist--someone who provides an NPD with their supply and in turn gains a reason for living!  I love dysfunction! 

My MIL and I had a falling out two years ago when my then S9 was diagnosed with cancer.  She told me on the day that we came home from the hospital after surgery that she and FIL were getting an apartment in my town because I "would not take care of my son."  We had had a hard time forever, but that was the final straw.  She never approved of the fact that I didn't wear enough makeup, did not have regular manicures or pedicures, did not dress to my full potential, did not always serve meals on china, or get a PhD...  H said he needed them here, and I said that considering they were prescribing the worst chemo regimen known to our son, it was very possible one person would not survive the year, if his parents were moving to town, there would likely be two fatalities, but he insisted.  That was when one of my best friends, a PhD psychologist finally told me my MIL was a full on narcissist and I needed a good therapist because I did not have the "emotional toolbox" to deal with her... 

Needless to say, they are all happy he found someone so much more suited to their family.  She has a PhD in their field, was some kind of beauty queen and is willing to do anything to please... I always thought I got along well with his siblings, but I have only heard from one of them.  She is a people pleaser, though and she is also the only one who has hosted OW, several times.   I also didn't get any holiday cards from anyone in their circle--not family or friends, which leads me to wonder what he has told them.  It is true, blood is thicker than water, but my kids know that it's not right and I wonder what it will do to them in the long-term.  You know, what will happen at HS graduation, college graduation and weddings?  How will this all work out for them?   

[ForeverHopefulOne]

I never said a bad word about my H to his family.  I spoke the truth and how I was feeling, but I never threw my H under the bus, so to speak.  I only answered questions that my SIL had for me; I never volunteered any information.  Trying to turn his family against him would not solve anything and possibly make matters worse in the long run.

I have only spoken to one SIL; the one that I was fairly close to when my H and I were together.  She says that I will always be a part of the family and that her kids will ALWAYS call me auntie.  She is very sweet and I love her.  BUT, blood is thicker than water and I expect NOTHING from them as far as support.

[Still]

My MIL has been very supportive of me. My FIL passed away a couple months ago. I think that put her in "high gear" to keep in touch with me. She always addresses me as her DIL, though she knows that H has filed. She believes H needs time to collect himself and all will be okay.

[limitless]

limitless, the proper term for your FIL is, I think, an inverted narcissist--someone who provides an NPD with their supply and in turn gains a reason for living!  I love dysfunction! 

Lisa - thanks for clearing that one up.  I always thought the correct term started with a "p" and was another word for cat.

My MIL and I had a falling out two years ago when my then S9 was diagnosed with cancer.  She told me on the day that we came home from the hospital after surgery that she and FIL were getting an apartment in my town because I "would not take care of my son."  We had had a hard time forever, but that was the final straw.  She never approved of the fact that I didn't wear enough makeup, did not have regular manicures or pedicures, did not dress to my full potential, did not always serve meals on china, or get a PhD...  H said he needed them here, and I said that considering they were prescribing the worst chemo regimen known to our son, it was very possible one person would not survive the year, if his parents were moving to town, there would likely be two fatalities, but he insisted.  That was when one of my best friends, a PhD psychologist finally told me my MIL was a full on narcissist and I needed a good therapist because I did not have the "emotional toolbox" to deal with her... 

Wow.  Your MIL and mine are almost identical!  My MIL cared about shoes and purses (didn't you know that the first thing anyone looks at when they meet you are your purse and shoes?).  She cared about whether or not you were thin enough (I wasn't) and if you were pretty enough.  If you weren't then - you weren't worth ANYTHING.  Superficial snob!  I truly don't miss her.

Needless to say, they are all happy he found someone so much more suited to their family.  She has a PhD in their field, was some kind of beauty queen and is willing to do anything to please... I always thought I got along well with his siblings, but I have only heard from one of them.  She is a people pleaser, though and she is also the only one who has hosted OW, several times.   I also didn't get any holiday cards from anyone in their circle--not family or friends, which leads me to wonder what he has told them.  It is true, blood is thicker than water, but my kids know that it's not right and I wonder what it will do to them in the long-term.  You know, what will happen at HS graduation, college graduation and weddings?  How will this all work out for them?

  A PHD, a beauty queen and a kiss ass!  Wow!  What a combo!  If she had so much going for her - why did she need someone else's man?  Couldn't find one who was free?

[LisaLives]

Lisa - thanks for clearing that one up.  I always thought the correct term started with a "p" and was another word for cat.

A PHD, a beauty queen and a kiss ass!  Wow!  What a combo!  If she had so much going for her - why did she need someone else's man?  Couldn't find one who was free?

I love you, I would marry you tomorrow, and we have so much in common, too bad I really like guys because I have met so many amazing women since BD...

I am going to bed happy tonight even though I spied on her FB page and am not happy with what I found.  Then I swam a couple hundred laps to burn it all off, that and a glass of wine will make everything better!   

[Tsunami]

My h didn't have any contact with his family through the entire marriage.  I was always the one going to town taking them out to eat, hauling fresh salmon from Seattle, sending them homemade jams, goodies, etc.

He would NEVER call home when I tried to pursade him to talk to his family.  He has been isolated from them for many years.

Now, he's best of friends with all family members, and refuses to talk to me.  Confusing because all these years he has hated all of them, but now I am being blamed for keeping him away from his family.

What a sick....never mind!

[kikki]

Tsunami
My H who always had a distant but dutiful relationship with his mother before BD, who said 'she never protected us!' at BD, who couldn't explain what that meant - desperately bonded with his mother following this time.
I'm wondering if that's wearing off, and is that why she phoned out of the blue a few weeks ago - hoping I might give her some info - I didn't and she didn't ask.

H has also reached out to his siblings (in a superficial way) in this time too.  No doubt I'll also get the blame for keeping him away from them all of these years.  They're all pretty dysfunctional alcoholics, and he always disliked their lifestyles.  Hey, he'll fit right in now.
His new 'best friends' all seem to have addictions of one sort or another!  LOVELY!  How dull am I?