[angelgirl]

wow! All the replies made more sense than my therapist's remarks and well-meaning friends and relatives combined. I will seek out a better therapist for myself, perhaps one that uses EFT like readytofix suggested. I also need some time to read all of the articles in this site. The articles I've read so far seems as though someone watched my life and wrote about it. I agree my MLCer's brain is not in any condition to benefit from MC right now. (On another post someone said her H twisted what was said to justify his actions.) My H's two small sessions early on in the MLC were like that as well. I have told him I'm researching the issue however so that when the time is right, we pursue it. For now, i will invest time in reading the rest of the material on this site, which still amazes me. I am now rather secure and at peace (through Grace), a quality my H admires (contrary to what he now realizes was Alienator's desperation). Did I say admires? He doesn't/can't admire. He is too self-absorbed for that. I think rather, he gravitates toward my detached security because it benefits him somehow. So be it. My ex-therapist said his brains were scrambled and "you can't unscramble eggs." I told him, well, "i want to see if I can make an omelet." Thanks to you all, i have alot of reading to do!

[LisaLives]

So I am 16 months post BD.  Prior to BD, I had to endure a child's cancer diagnosis that turned out to be incorrect, but it took a year to know, a business lawsuit, BD, closing my business as a result of BD and having to ensure health insurance for my cancer kid, getting a new job, negotiating the divorce, my STBX having a heart attack and getting engaged.   

Then today I went to see my therapist and complained that he still makes me crazy because he thinks we should be friends, and when I explained some of his erratic behavior, she basically told me that I need to grow up and get over it.  She said that we never really had a good marriage and I need to just accept that he left me and be able to co-parent better.  Why is it that so many therapists don't get MLC?  We exchanged 17 e-mails the other day about when he was going to leave for summer vacation, that's crazy but she said that I obviously was not good at being specific and creating boundaries. 

Really, why is this all my fault?  That's what he says, but no matter how horrible I was, did I really make him cheat?  And with someone halfway across the country, so that he would have to leave his kids, and make him have a heart attack...  His family blames me too.  Can anyone be that horrible?  I guess I need a new therapist, but I had to stop to wonder today, at 16 months, asre most divorced people ready to be best friends?     

[Dontgiveup]

Does the other woman know about the frequency of his communication with you?

[LisaLives]

His communication with me is not significant, it's only about the kids, and the problem is, it's not communication, it's me pulling teeth.  I can't figure out if he really is such a poor planner that he really can't do it, or if he's always trying to hide stuff from me.  My only question was really, "when are you leaving on your summer vacation?"  And it took 17 e-mails for him to say July 7... 

The problem is I don't want him to communicate with me.  I don't know how everyone else does it, but I can't handle it.  If he wanted out of our marriage, I needed him out.  I can only deal with everything I have to do if I don't have to think about him.  If I see him or hear his voice, it will make me cry for the rest of the day.  I am facing it all, but I can only manage small doses and only when I can handle it.  On a good day I can sit by myself in a quiet place and envision a day when we could be friends and picture him with his new wife--the OW--and my kids, and start to let the hurt and anger go, but only when I'm in a good place, otherwise I need to just not think about it, so I can go to work, and try to learn my new job, and be the parent I need to be to my kids, and a good friend and all that other stuff. 

I just wrote to complain about my therapist.  Is it really realistic to think that 15 months post BD, I should be over him and ready to be great friends with him and the OW?   

[Rollercoasterider]

I thought it might be a good idea to have a thread dedicated to discussing various types of therapy as well as the your experiences with specific therapists or types of therapy.

The website below is run by William Doherty. The therapists on the registry are not from one specific branch but rather cover many branches. What brings them together is their attitude toward marriage and marriage counseling.
The National Registry of Marriage Friendly Therapists

This is a page on the site explaining the idea.
What is "Marriage Friendly" Therapy
 
He wrote this article which is posted on the Smart Marriages website. I think this was how I found his work.
HOW THERAPY CAN BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR MARITAL HEALTH

 
And here is a link to his book at Amazon.
Take Back Your Marriage: Sticking Together in a World That Pulls Us Apart

[Heart to Heart]

Thank you for this posting this important topic RCR.  My counselor is not well versed in MLC, but he is marriage friendly.  His advise to me from the start has been to "wait", don't rush into anything.  He only met my H for two very anger-filled sessions, but in his opinion, my husband doesn't want a divorce (although he filed 2 months after BD/abandonment), instead he wants space.  He is Christian-based, and I have found comfort in his analogies from the bible.  I do value my counselor's opinion, but not sure I'm getting the degree of help I need. 

[StandandDeliver]

Right after BD H and I saw 2 marriage counsellors (the first one was nuts - she spoke for my husband saying things even I knew he didn't believe i.e. he is sorry, he will never do it again and now you need to forget about the affair and concentrate on your marriage... H did say he was sorry to hurt me, NOT that he was sorry about he affair and he also said  he "couldn't be sure he wouldn't do it again"  ..and to she told me: "I think you need to concentrate on making him romantic candlelit dinners" Me thinking, "yes that will save our marriage from his infidelity, indecision, desire to run: some candles, flames and food, why didn't I think of that?"  Then she pulled out the tarot cards and I knew that she was a quack.

Then saw someone who was very good, wanted us to work it out but saw that H was in a "crisis of some sort", told me I was the strong one and I think knew on some level that his attendance was to make it look like he had "tried" - she was a more traditional psychotherapist.
Then each of us saw individual therapists. I believe that she basically told him that our marriage wasn't making him happy and he had to do what was right for him. Great, tell a man with a wife, two small childre (one under 18 months at the time) that he should do whatever makes him happy. If I was to always make decisions based soley on hedonistic ideas that I thought would make me personally happy, regardless of my responsibilities our children would basically be left with no parents a good portion of the time, being a good partner and parent is about compromise, serious responsibility and sacrifice. Stupid fool. Not that I think he would have stayed without her input, but she certainly did not have our relationship as her central interest. I also think she had a personal agenda as she told me at one point about the fact that she was her partner's second wife and that he spent weekends with his ex and their daugther  and ti was all so liberated and fee etc, (so obviously that is the solution for everyone???)
My personal psycho therapist felt that my husband had really betrayed me and family values in a shocking way. As I was seeing her after he had already left, her guidance was really about giving me the tools to rebuild without him and to move forward. I thought she was amazing, although I don't know if she thought that a marriage could be properly rebuilt with this sort of baggage as its foundation and I share her concern regarding that tbh....
So a mixed bag for me, that is for sure...

[limitless]

StandandDeliver,
Your post made me smile.
I think it was the line about the therapist being a "quack."
In my sitch, my H started seeing an individual counselor right after BD. He, apparently, had kept her name on a piece of paper in his pocket for a year before he went.   He chose her, because she was on our health insurance and just down the street from his work address.
Don't think that she helped.  I guess that's not true.  She helped him validate his feelings "out the door."  He heard what he needed/wanted to hear from her.  He deserved to be happy.  Why had he married me in the first place?  He always took the path of least resistance, doing everything everyone else wanted him to do.  Not what he wanted to do.  He convinced himself that he wasn't a man and would be one, until he left me.  Great counseling, huh?  I'm not sure if this is exactly what she had said, but it's what he heard.  My only true knowledge of what his counselor is like is based upon what the kids told me, after my H took them to see his counselor with him.   Apparently, he cried through the whole session, telling the kids that "no one had appreciated him."  My D20 said that the counselor looked pretty confused and lost - that she didn't really know what to say or how to handle the session.  My D20 said that she didn't care too much for his counselor.
My counselor is pro-marriage.  She listens to me and makes suggestions on how I can build a bridge to open communication between my h and me.  She doesn't necessarily agree that my H is in MLC.  She says that he is definitely in crisis and believes that, due to his drug and alcohol issues at a young age, my H never truly matured.  She feels that he is going through the maturing process now.  She believes that he will take no action regarding divorce or moving forward.  She suggests that I continue to try to build a bridge toward communication - so that, sometime, we could move toward reconciliation.  As I said, she is pro-marriage.
She has asked about this forum quite a bit.  She thought that the trip to LUX was a great idea and felt that it really helped me.

L

[Mermaid]

My therapist is in favour of supporting her patients views of marriage; in other words, if they want to stand, she doesn't tell them not to, and to give up.

She recognises that men (especially) of a certain age often do through a crisis of some sort.

She has taken a reflective role, on how I interract with H, what I expect of him, on the way I protect myself, and work on my own goals in life. She has sometimes suggested alternative ways of looking at things, but has never taken a dogmatic approach.

[justasking]

After BD I attended a counsellor to help me get my head straight.

She sat there and was as as sad as me that my H had gone and said 'he doesn't sound as if he wants out of the marriage does he?' I had one more session and felt I had more support from my friends so never went back.

xx